Mocked by manager for way I walk

[cannotbelievethistoday]

My manager (think small store part of bigger company with lots of stores) was describing me as forthright in my speech. I was taking this onboard when he then proceeded to imitate how I am forthright and overphysical when I walk and over-acted me walking to the back office and flinging open the door in an over dramatic manner.

I have cerebral palsy. This is how I walk.

I burst out crying and ran out.

Mumsnet I need your wisdom. I think this is wrong and upsetting. Am I being unreasonable?

(Be gentle am still crying)

Before the meeting you need to decide what it is you want. We can help you talk this through.

My ds has asd and problems with his muscles (undiagnosed) and some LD alongside this.
He very obviously loses his posture and his feet start to turn in by the end of the day and stairs are difficult. He takes baclofen and has arm contractures.

Recently at school a small group of boys have decided to use terms such as 'spastic' and 'retard' to him. Teaches just tell them they aren't nice words and not to use them. That approach has had little impact.

So I emailed HOY and quite rightly pointed out that if the terms they were using were racist then DS wouldn't need to complain or have to keep reporting because it would be immediately treated as disgusting and heavy punishment applied. And that because it's disablist language it shouldn't be treated as any less serious.

Do you have a HR dept? He is disgraceful, I'm so sorry. Fuming on your behalf

I’m disabled. I have been through work place discrimination. I eventually involved lawyers. It worked out ok.

But it was very hard and it took a heavy toll on my mental health, which is something people forget when they get caught up in the moment on here.

Obviously you wouldn’t get £40k for 2 incidents and a ‘hurt feelings’ suit (those words appeared on my paperwork st one point, ffs!), and before you involved lawyers you’d need to be quite clear what you wanted out of the process. I had a loss of earnings and disability harrasssment and discrimination suit over several years, and was fighting desperately as I had no choice. I exhausted all other avenues first.

Sadly I also learnt that prejudiced tw@ts don’t become educated by the person that they are prejudiced against. Because, well, err, their prejudice gets in the way.

I was forced into endless awful meetings where I tried to explain why the way they were treating me was horribly offensive and they refused to listen. Hideous.

You cannot explain to someone why their prejudice is predudice if it’s somehow made into your responsibility to change their minds. Imagine a black persons trying to explain why they are just as good as a white personal to a fully paid up member of the kuklux clan? Clearly that’s going to fall on stony ground isn’t it?! The black guy will be dismissed before he opens his mouth. Because he is black.

I’m afraid the same happens when people have these nasty little wormy prejudices about disabled people riddling their hearts and brains.

It’s really not your job to explain to this guy why his behaviour was not only very upsetting, it breaks equality laws, being clear discrimination in the workplace. That’s the job of your work. And if the meeting starts to go in this direction, I’d be very careful to follow this up afterwards and make it clear that you won’t go along with this advocation if responsibility.

Anyway, good luck, hopefully you’ll get good people dealing with this in an appropriately serious manner and stamping it out with one meeting.

I feel this is all about context and relationships in the work place. I'm disabled (have MS) which effects my walking at times. My colleagues take the piss - it's fine and funny. No harm intended and I give as good as I get but these people have know me for 10 + years.

Tbh your manager was a dick but he wasn't actually taking the mickey out of your for how you walk from what you have said, more taking the mickey out of how you march off or whatever. Still a dickish move. The spastic comment I find more offensive because it showed a lack of understanding and a mental mind set.

Bottom line is that it is about relationship as other PP have mentioned and that you are entitled to think and feel however you want to this type of behaviour. Hope your meetings go well.

No.

HR need to be involved. 'mediation' between two members of staff can't be done meaningfully otherwise.

TALK TO HR, OP. And ACAS. Please. Get some proper advice.

He apologised to another colleague but not you?

And this you shouldn't have to work with him until after your mediation with him, and then only if you are comfortable with it. Personally I wouldn't be in a room with the cunt.

But anyway, GET ON TO ACAS.

Yes, I'm shouting. I mean it kindly.

I’d still be tempted to take HR or a union rep with you
(Or a unicorn, should one be available, for trampling-related activities)

And goring. I think he deserves to be thoroughly gored.

If your Union rep isn't a unicorn, and there isn't one available at short notice, there are loads of farmers on here and I'm sure someone would be happy to lend you an enraged bull.

Or a goat.

INeed, the OP said he imitated how she is 'forthright and overphysical when I walk'.

This doesn't read like imitating something specific like the OP walking in a forthright and overphysical way when she's marching off.

It is indeed all about context. And a careful reading of the OP suggests that the context was not just an imitation of a specific small thing, but of the OP's habitual physical appearance and comportment. Which, taken together with the spastic comment, suggests a pattern. And is worth taking seriously.

I think they're going to try to brush it under the carpet. I'd email HR to start a grievance procedure, the minimum should be a formal apology and retraining for the line manager. You'd be within your rights to ask for a transfer too, though I don't know if you could request he is transferred instead? Good luck!

Raise a grievance. In my company he'd be on a final warning or lose his job. It would be taken extremely seriously

What kind of a person mocks a disability actually too that person, what a cunt

I think they're going to try to brush it under the carpet

Me too. HR need to be got in, not this 'manager'.

sorry forgot to add would contact sales manager and say you don't feel comfortable working with him till matter dealt with .

Mediation?? Ffs. It doesn’t need mediation it needs investigated with a view to him being disciplined!

Mediation is the first step of a grievance policy in a lot of organisations.

It is recommended by ACAS

Mediation is fine if there’s a dispute or disagreement. I wouldn’t, with my very many years of advising on employee relations and HR, use that as a first line tool here.

Also I doubt very much they mean proper “mediation” but just some sort of informal meeting with the two employees and another ineffectual manager. That’s not “mediation”.

ACAS talk out of their arse a lot of the time as well.

Even if you are happy with the outcome of the meeting, at the end of it don’t just say “ok that’s fine”, say that you will bear in mind this conversation when you consider your next steps, that you will need a few days to think about it.

Don’t make any decisions while you’re “hot”.

He needs to worry about this a lot more than you.

When I was 16 and in my first job, my manager made a point of walking over to me, mimicking the way I walk and calling me a spastic. I’m knock kneed and I found it so distressing as I was bullied dreadfully for it at school.

I made an official complaint but it was dropped as he apparently apologised. He never did to me!

I know it’s not the same as CP, but I do sympathise. Make an official complaint and don’t drop it, that’s bullying and he can’t get away with it

I doubt very much they mean proper “mediation” but just some sort of informal meeting with the two employees and another ineffectual manager. That’s not “mediation”.

Exactly.

Not me, but a colleague in an old workplace of mine was bullied/disparaged by her manager. HR organised 'mediation' with the manager, my colleague and one of their useless number and it was an exercise in pointlessness. It left my colleague upset, angry and on the back foot. I really don't think being in a room with the person who bullied you is a good idea.

Don’t forget that that if and when you have your meeting, and you feel like it’s ‘too much’ or things you’re saying aren’t being heard, end the meeting. You don’t really need to explain yourself, just say you need to end it for now.
Don’t let them railroad you into making any decisions at all, I’d just say you’ve heard what they’ve got to say and you’ll think about it, you’ll let them know in due course (after you’ve thought about it and had lots of proper advice) - I did this when going through redundancy.
Don’t take any more crap from them!

Did you have the meeting, OP?

Update: thanks everyone for your support.

I did have the meeting. It went very badly. He was slouched in his chair, arms folded, looking away from me. He was very belligerent and would only say a curt “sorry you had hurt feelings” He would not say sorry for what he had done. He did say sorry for using the phrase “spastic” but it was very much the kind of sorry our children do when being forced to apologise!

I basically felt bullied again. He was just rude. The senior manager then backed me into a corner and said you either accept this or raise a formal grievance. I obviously couldn’t accept it. So a formal grievance has been raised.

Please can I have positive stories of how formal grievances have gone well and the company are kind and supportive... i need some positivity!

OP, I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

I had a friend who went through something similar. The important thing is to ensure that everything is documented- so that meeting and wat was said- and how it was said- needs to be recorded in writing. Please ensure they write up/agree with what was said/done. In my friend’s case the manager was put on a final written warning for a much less serious offence. It changed things for the better.

Best of luck.

Corblimygov - thank you so much. That is what I needed to hear. I really love my job and don’t want to leave.

You say the senior manager backed you into a corner - to be fair, that really is the options available. Do you feel like he was fair?