To charge family for looking after their children?

[upsideup]

We are looking after Sil's and BiL's DC (5 children) for 6 days in the easter holidays, It was all agreed a few weeks ago and we have been communicating and organising since however so far there has been no mention of payment, 5 children for for 6 days is going to be a significant amount of extra money just in food and other essentials
As its half term we will be doing days out and actvities anyway for our children but as Sil and biL are not expecting us to do these extra things, it kind of feels of wrong to expecting them to pay and we dont want our children to miss out by sticking to cheaper or free activities.
They live abroad so we dont see them that often and both parents had to go away anyway, so we offered to have the children, so they didnt ask if that makes a difference.
Normally we would go abroad in the easter holidays and we are just staying home this year so thats a saving and I guess our chidlren our benefitting from having fun with their cousins.

Would you ask for payement? and how much? If we going to ask, we are going to have to do it soon.

Difficult situation here op. I also think the word charge is inappropriate and expenses is the way to go. Five children over this length of time is an absolute huge ask and I don't know anyone who would have offered to take this on. Quibbling over you offering or them asking is neither here nor there because no matter what happened, the costs remain the same.

I think you are going to have a chat with them because leaving it until they drop them off and drive away leaving you empty handed (except for five kids of course) is not the way forward.

No reasonable people would leave five children with someone for nearly a week without offering expenses. The only issue here is how much isn't it? You don't want them to slip you £20.

Difficult situation but time to put on your big girl pants and deal with it. Don't anyone on here let you doubt your generosity and kindness.

By the way, I used to love spending time with my aunties and my cousins on holiday. I always went with my parents and my lovely dad always gave my aunts money for food etc at the beginning of the hols. Many many years ago and I still have the happy memories. You sound very up for it and a lovely auntie.

They should be offering expenses but I would not ask them for it. I'd just make a mental note not to offer again.

Depending on what country they’re from, it might be expensive for the to pay UK prices for activities? So they have to flow the children in to you to go to work in their country? So that’s already costing them a bomb. Still they shpuld offer spending money plus food.

I’m sure they will give you money when they drop the children off

How can you be sure they'll give money, user?

I suspect they won't give a penny. People who manoeuvre other people into having third children for a week aren't usually generous.

I think the fact that they haven't mentioned any money, and it sounds like they were manoeuvring OP to offer to have them, (after all, who would arrange a trip overseas without making sure you have childcare arranged beforehand?) it's unlikely that they will offer money.

OP, I think you're mad to even consider this, and even with adult SDD and her BF, I wouldn't take them to expensive places. That's going to cost hundreds, just to visit ONE theme park, and having to take 2 extra adults is adding to the cost.

Save the theme parks and meals out for when they've gone home. Do seaside trips, museums etc when they're here.

If someone had offered to look after my 5 children I would definitely offer to give them some money but I wouldn't expect them to ask for payment seeing as they offered to do it?

If they had asked you to do it then that would have been your opportunity to say "sure but we will need some money toward activities and food etc"

You never know though they may surprise you and offer to put some money towards their stay with you.

bridgetoc Fri 16-Feb-18 23:53:08
YABU.......

Why? Surely the unreasonable ones are the ones getting a week off from their children AND making money out of it at the same time by not having anything child related to pay for.

I suspect they won't give a penny. People who manoeuvre other people into having third children for a week aren't usually generous.

This. It does sound as though the Op has been manoeuvred here as well, I agree and advantage takers aren't usually generous.

I think you need to stop using the word charge tbh. I think that sounds commercial and a bit grabby.

Respectfully, why are so many people hung up on charge? We all know what the Op means now, even though at first it didn't sound right. The actual word used, once you've understood context, is irrelevant.

Upsideup, you really should be asking for expenses if they don't offer. I don't see why some say you're unreasonable for asking when the real unreasonableness comes from people who expect childcare AND to have a bumper week of not paying out. It beggars belief.

Please do just ask for expenses, that's not grabby at all, especially since they're all getting a great child-free break, and if you can't ask because they're family, then that equally applies to them, they should pay for their children because they don't want to take advantage of family.

I agree charge was the wrong word, just the quickest way to explain what I meant in the title. We dont mean charge for our time at all, but to ask for a contribution to help cover the costs of looking after their children, not to make us a profit. Anyway to avoid getting some of the responses we have gotten on here we have decided just not to mention money, as pp's have said they may still send the chidlren with spending money.
We have our neighbours 3 DC and they have ours regularly, money is never mentioned as its only been for a short time and the favour is regularly returned, this is different as its 5 children (3, 10, 11, 13 and 15) for almost a week and as we see each other so infrequently and live in different countries the favour is not going to be returned.

If they live away and shipping over the children, what was their alternative for childcare if you hadn't offered... ? I would mention something ... or book in a reciprocal deal.... that would soon bring the issues to a head.

It's still Easter (end March) , I would pop a note along lines of this is what we are planning on doing.. X, Y, Z ..... are you ok with these.. will the children have spending money at these places? And if I can pre book, we can look at package deal so a lot cheaper for everyone.... will only need £X ...
It doesn't even talk about the food and time being on "duty " for the week with cousins ....

Say each meal averages out at £2 pp (including the expense of making it).
15 extra meals a day = £30.
So at least £180 for basic food not including extra snacks etc when going out.

We have 5 DC and would never dream of not giving food/expenses money if someone was doing this for us.
Christ, we even bung our mate (Who doesn’t ask or purport to want and cash) £10 a day for dog sitting.

Fingers crossed it’s not rainy where you are over Easter!

I would say that before you knew they were coming you had planned whatever day out at whatever cost for your children. Then say you can't afford to pay that for the 5 extra children too so would they like to contribute or would they prefer that you did free activities instead. That way it's up to them and you won't be stuck footing the bill.

i think my family would have always offered to cover cost if we were sent of to family.food money etc.or we would be sent with some to pay for meal out,activity etc.
if it comes to you not being able to out right ask could you do a white but not lie and say listen weve been doing up our sums and stuff and didn't realise how short we have become at the minute and would worry to have to pay all extra for kids this week too,so is there anyway you would help cover the cost of having the kids and extra food acitvities etc.
I don't think If this is family that that would ever be an unreasonable thing to ask or receive.
don't be awkward or stand offish or squirm just be matter of fact because it isn't just a few days no one or two its lots extra.

I dont think you could charge for the actual childcare but for 5 children for 6 days it will cost you a lot to entertain them and I would definately ask for a contribution to the entertainment costs.. eg if you want to take them all to the pictures. It would be completely out of order for them to send 5 children, without their own spending money for outings and it is not too late to change the goal posts. For example, it would cost us about £5 a head to go swimming. That's £25 for an hours entertainment, The cinema would cost nearly £40-50 just for them, without all the snacks/drinks on a day out. Why not plan what you could like to do during the week, nothing out of the ordinary and include some reasonable or free things too and just cost up the entry fees and ask them for a contribution to that. They would be spending a similar amount anyway if their kids were at home and its not as if you were asking for food or childcare. It is quite unreasonable for them not to even offer to contribute towards entertainment for that amount of children and makes what would be a fun week a bit of a drag.

It's a lot of work also. You should never have put your name forward. If you struggle at present. How can she expect you to pay for days out, feeding them etc. I think it's very rude to expect you to take on this role. She would have to pay a lot of money for someone else to look after them.

I have a large family, one of my siblings have 7 children, with my three as well when I visited going out together would be like a school trip plus prams.

We still managed it, trips out to the local museum, park, seaside town on the train. Bags of snacks, drinks, sarnies, to keep costs down, card games, paper and pens for long games of hang man on the train. Competition to find the most interesting stone/ shell/ exhibit... It was exhausting but fine. Just make sure to do continual head counts. I had a bolter and a wanderer so needed to keep tabs on my children.

This was a few years ago now as my kids are all over age of 9 and sisters are mostly adult, so I get a bit misty eyed thinking of those trips, chaotic as they were! Just make sure you have wine for once every child is in bed you will want a drink!

Ask them both to send their DC's with packed lunches. You could angle it that you are going to be out and don't have enough pack bags so if they all bring their lunch every day it would be helpful.

I wouldn't fill the week with expensive activities. Maybe one trip somewhere costly, but yes, they should be paying for their DC's.

The rest of the time let the kids make their own fun. They are cousins not siblings, add into the mix more cousins (your DC) and I think that's quite a fresh group for playing together without boredom.

Teens want gadgets, cinema, entertainment, not a day walking along the prom/south bank/ at the local park

I suppose it depends on the teen. Both of mine actually love that type of thing. They have their phones of course, but we do a lot of walking and nature type stuff.

Teens don't want to hang out with younger cousins or entertain them.

Again this depends on the teen. My DD absolutely loves entertaining younger kids. DD isn't fussed by them tbh but he will spend time with them if they want to play Xbox or whatever.

A National Trust membership was a godsend when mine were young. We always visited one or a couple of properties in the holidays, often with their friends in tow. We took a picnic and the kids sometimes/sometimes not joined the free activities available. A run around in the play area (suitable for all ages) wore them out and they often fell asleep on the way home. Perfect!

Where are the parents going whilst you provide this childcare-are they working?

Sorry, just realised my post was made by a PP. I hope you have a great time by the way. As you have adult DC to help, have you thought about doing something where you split up? The older kids could do something with you and DH or with your adult DC, while the younger kids do something else?

Knittingsavesme

Yes spiltting up and doing different activities was our plan but apparently SiL and BiL are not sure they feel comfortable with adult dsd or her bf looking after any of their children alone, just to make things more difficult! Definately not going to be something we agree to do again.

Looking at your last comment if SIL or BIL are not comfortable with DSD and her BF looking after children alone for a short period of time, then I think you suggest that you don't have their children!

Are these your nieces and nephews? You don't see often? I would never expect payment for a one off. I would absolutely love to have my nieces and nephews. I live away from my family. They would do it for me and I would for them. The visit does not have to be expensive. There is plenty to do for free. I think this is really sad. Is it because it is your husbands family and not your side? I think that makes a difference.