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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge family for looking after their children?

243 replies

upsideup · 15/02/2018 15:46

We are looking after Sil's and BiL's DC (5 children) for 6 days in the easter holidays, It was all agreed a few weeks ago and we have been communicating and organising since however so far there has been no mention of payment, 5 children for for 6 days is going to be a significant amount of extra money just in food and other essentials
As its half term we will be doing days out and actvities anyway for our children but as Sil and biL are not expecting us to do these extra things, it kind of feels of wrong to expecting them to pay and we dont want our children to miss out by sticking to cheaper or free activities.
They live abroad so we dont see them that often and both parents had to go away anyway, so we offered to have the children, so they didnt ask if that makes a difference.
Normally we would go abroad in the easter holidays and we are just staying home this year so thats a saving and I guess our chidlren our benefitting from having fun with their cousins.

Would you ask for payement? and how much? If we going to ask, we are going to have to do it soon.

OP posts:
Someoneasdumbasthis · 15/02/2018 19:26

I think you need to stop using the word charge tbh. I think that sounds commercial and a bit grabby. But a quick message to say "are you ok with covering a few expenses? We're planning on a few days out." would be fine.

CherryMaDeary · 15/02/2018 19:27

They were obviously hinting for you to have the children.

Absolutely tell them you're planning to take the DC out and you will need £100 per child for tickets and treats (or however much it is).

YOU are doing THEM the favour, so you shouldn't be out of pocket.

Would they ever offer to have your DC for a week? I doubt it somehow.

greathat · 15/02/2018 19:28

Five extra kids is a lot to take somewhere! Do you have a vehicle big enough! I struggle to go out when looking after three extra...

bellalou1234 · 15/02/2018 19:28

Goady lot on here! I'd expect
A payment or at least an offering tbh, do you not think when the time comes they'll offer/ give money?

GreenTulips · 15/02/2018 19:28

Who are all these people who 'would offer and pay for their children' on one hand and on the other 'I would never take a penny from family'?

Is there a black hole of piss takers? Ones who won't pay for their kids weeks food or entertainment but would happily take cash when having others kids?

SM2132 · 15/02/2018 19:34

I wouldn't ask for any money but I wouldn't be going to theme parks etc. I would stick to free/cheap activities. Park, watching a film with popcorn etc.

Original poster
upsideup · 15/02/2018 20:36

Thankyou for all the help, its seems that we would be unreasonable to ask, so we are not going too. We wait and see they still may offer to cover some costs, if not then it is our fault for agreeing in the first place. We can afford it and its not worth causing a family arguement over.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 15/02/2018 22:07

Good luck OP. I hope it goes well. I personally think it is a shame that you don't feel able to discuss this with the parents in tactful terms but it's your decision. You must be nicer than me.

To the posters who think my parenting is wimpish: either you're right and the DC will have the most fantastic Swallows and Amazons-style week or they won't ever want to make a return visit, so it's win-win for the OP really, isn't it?

BadLad · 15/02/2018 22:31

Well this sounds horribly mean. But tell them unless they cough up you will be taking turns. One of you stays at home with their DC;s and watches DVD's and the other takes your own DC out for the day. Hope that would be OK.

I think this is the second-worst advice I've seen on mumsnet, beaten only by the suggestion I once saw to get a friend to sit the driving test for you.

bunbunny · 15/02/2018 23:26

Although you were nice and offered to have the dc it does sound like it was a bit of a set up by your BIL and SIL - telling you all about their problems. Not sure if you had already decided to have an easter at home or have done so because you are having their dc?

Did your dh already know they were having problems and get you involved in the discussion so knowing you were nice you would offer to help out?

What would they have done if you'd said good luck, we'll be thinking of you while we're on holiday?

You didn't wake up one day and suddenly think, out of the blue, I know, let's invite 5 dn to stay with us for almost a week over easter, they could easily have a lovely time with their parents, but no, we'll ask them to come and stay and be entertainment for our dc... If you had, then you probably would have been unreasonable to ask for costs or at least to ask for lots.

On the other hand, you were told about sibs in law having problems with childcare and offered to help out - and while your reply might not have been spur of the moment, I bet you didn't have much time to do lots of detailed thinking and planning and working out costs. In which case, it's entirely reasonable to say 'Having just had half term and seen the extra costs compared to going to school, and knowing what we had already got planned and were hoping to do for easter holidays, and now we've had a chance to think about doing you a favour over easter the implications of having so many kids at once, it will be lovely but fab but expensive, so would be really grateful if you could contribute £xx. Look on the bright side, if you hadn't asked us or if we hadn't been able to help, you would be looking at having to pay £££££ for holiday childcare, so all things considered I think it's a pretty good deal!

If they are expecting you to pay too or are trying to justify it to themselves as you wanting to do it then they are definitely CF and have reeled you in good and proper!

nursy1 · 16/02/2018 00:04

I think it’s reasonable to ask for money for excursions, activities. I’m surprised they haven’t already offered this. However if you offered to have them stay can’t really ask for food money.

Aridane · 16/02/2018 08:54

OP - I think you sound lovely and very reasonable from your last couple of posts. Given their age, I would expect they will have their own spending money. Won’t defray your costs much though

Madeline18 · 16/02/2018 09:17

I don’t think you can expect payment when you offered to have them.

On the other hand, I would send my own child with some money so they could pay for things anyway and would probably have asked by now what you had planned and give you some money for this.

fearfultrill · 16/02/2018 10:43

I think they will offer closer to the time or send the children with money OP, or maybe reimburse you afterwards?

purpleanorak · 16/02/2018 12:23

I don’t think you are unreasonable to think about this at all. I would do a variation on what some others have suggested and tell them nearer the time that there are options of activities depending on how much pocket money each of their children will have for the week.

This reminds me of when I was invited to go for a day out with a friend (which on the morning turned out to involve a riding lesson) when I was about eleven. My parents gave me £20 to offer to pay for it, which was a lot of money to them, and I still remember thinking that it was a bit mean of the (much wealthier) mother of my friend to take the £20 when I offered! But that was just a child’s perspective (and obviously a different situation). I wouldn’t now do the same in her position if I invited a child’s friend out for a treat, but there was nothing wrong in it.

NoSquirrels · 16/02/2018 12:33

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to ask for a contribution to costs - it shouldn’t cause WW3 if you phrase it right.

I absolutely wouldn’t be doing any theme parks or high-stakes days out though with 7+ kids. It’ll be super stressful and not worth the expense.

Are you somewhere with great public transport? Just getting places will be a challenge, surely?

manicmij · 16/02/2018 17:30

Surely the parents would be spending on the 5 kids if school holiday so would hope they would offer some money at least for outings. 5 kids are a lot to take on. Even the organising and transportation along with your own doesn't bare thinking about!

Strongmummy · 16/02/2018 17:42

You can’t offer then ask for money. Just don’t go to the expensive places. By your own admission your kids don’t see their cousins v much so I’m sure they’d be happy just spending time together

FluffyWuffy100 · 16/02/2018 17:48

I don't think it would be U to ask at all. Why should you be out of pocket for this, they totaly hinted they wanted you to have the kids.

"Hey, BIL/SIL - just been planning HT for the children and we were hoping to do a couple of days and meals out - any chance you can send a contribution with your five? Thanks!"

PolarBearkshire · 16/02/2018 17:49

All the entrance fees and foods should be covered by own parents - no duscussion. Unless they are super poor and had your own kids over without payments?

Loki1983 · 16/02/2018 17:50

I’d be doing cheap/ free days out, picnics and praying for fair weather. You have stitched yourself up, time to bite the bullet. YABU.

jessebuni · 16/02/2018 18:00

Since they didn’t ask and you offered I wouldn’t ask for money towards food etc but I would mention the days out say you were planning on a day out at X which obviously you don’t really want the children to miss out on so would they be ok with paying for the tickets for their children for at least one of the more expensive days out.

Branleuse · 16/02/2018 18:05

do you have kids? What the hell are you gonna do with so many people? Have you got a massive car?

I cannot fathom why anyone would offer to have so many children at once

XmasInTintagel · 16/02/2018 18:14

I think you need to stop using the word charge tbh. I think that sounds commercial and a bit grabby. But a quick message to say "are you ok with covering a few expenses? We're planning on a few days out." would be fine
This^. You don't really mean that you want to charge them for childcare (which would BU, when its a relative and you offered). You have realised that the expense of having them will leave a hole in your finances, so its reasonable to explain that, and ask the parents to provide the cost of the taking their kids out, and a contribution for their food perhaps.

Original poster
upsideup · 16/02/2018 18:26

We have 4 DC, DH has a 7 seater and I have a 5 seater when taking everyone out we will have to take two cars which isnt too much of an issue. Yes we will do lots of cheap/free activities in the house and garden etc but entertaining 9 kids aged 3-15 for 6 days is going to be difficult stuck indoors and it would be nice to go out somewhere especially as the cousins are not from the UK. We are not a close family and living in different countries it is completely unlikely we will even want them to return the favour. Obviously if we lived down from the street from each other and looked after each others children regularly it would be less of a big deal.

OP posts: