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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge family for looking after their children?

243 replies

upsideup · 15/02/2018 15:46

We are looking after Sil's and BiL's DC (5 children) for 6 days in the easter holidays, It was all agreed a few weeks ago and we have been communicating and organising since however so far there has been no mention of payment, 5 children for for 6 days is going to be a significant amount of extra money just in food and other essentials
As its half term we will be doing days out and actvities anyway for our children but as Sil and biL are not expecting us to do these extra things, it kind of feels of wrong to expecting them to pay and we dont want our children to miss out by sticking to cheaper or free activities.
They live abroad so we dont see them that often and both parents had to go away anyway, so we offered to have the children, so they didnt ask if that makes a difference.
Normally we would go abroad in the easter holidays and we are just staying home this year so thats a saving and I guess our chidlren our benefitting from having fun with their cousins.

Would you ask for payement? and how much? If we going to ask, we are going to have to do it soon.

OP posts:
SmallBlondeMama · 16/02/2018 18:29

I would never ask! These are your nieces and nephews! Wow.

martellandginger · 16/02/2018 18:34

Just because you offered doesn’t mean you can’t ask for expenses. What’s going on in your conversations if you’re not talking about what food everyone eats and whether kids like rides or farms etc. At that point ask for food money and say if there’s extra we’ll take them to theme park as you obviously cant afford payment for an extra 5 kids. If they’d rather you didn’t do outings let you know.

Italianherbgarden · 16/02/2018 18:41

Well, it’s easy really, they should offer to pay expenses, if they don’t, presumably it’s the last time you’re not busy when they need help.

longestlurkerever · 16/02/2018 18:47

It's a massive favour to offer so a bit outside my realms of experience but if my dsis offered to have my kids for a day (more likely than a week) then I'd consider it her treat to be honest, and would repay in kind at a later date. If it was a week though... I dunno.

longestlurkerever · 16/02/2018 18:50

I think you've offered something lovely and to ask for money would spoil that a bit really. They'll probably be planning to get you a thank you present rather than give you money. I suppose you could say something like "we wondered if the kids would enjoy a particular outing to x... but its £.. a ticket. What do you think?"

caringcarer · 16/02/2018 18:52

Swimming is usually quite a cheap activity providing they can all swim. Most swimming pools do the chutes and flumes sessions in school holidays. You offered and they are your dniece and dnephews and you say you don't see them often, so I would not charge but you could say you were hoping to do x excertions if they could cover cost of additional tickets if you really can't afford to treat them. When they drop off children they may just give you money then so I would not ask but wait and see if they offer first.

PegLegAntoine · 16/02/2018 18:57

You could just casually mention that you hope they aren’t disappointed if you don’t do big trips with them because obviously it would cost a lot. They’ll either offer some help or they’ll say they understand if you don’t do it.

BrendasUmbrella · 16/02/2018 18:59

Honestly it wouldn't cross my mind to give a family member money for having my DC to stay for a week, especially and particularly if they invited them. I would assume they wanted to spend time with them!

GreenTulips · 16/02/2018 19:04

Do your kids not eat then? Bit rude

Mosaic123 · 16/02/2018 19:04

I think they should offer to pay expenses whilst out for their children.

I imagine transport (unless you have your own huge mini bus and two or less children of your own) will be quite costly.

If you are very rich and they are very poor then maybe not but otherwise I think you should keep a note and they can pay for their kids.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/02/2018 19:10

Tbh, I don't think you should be planning expensive days out during this time. You don't know whether they can afford it and it's not really helping them out much, if they end up with costs for theme parks etc that they haven't budgeted for.
I think you have to just accept being a bit restricted for that week. It's really not the end of the world to do cheaper activities for 6 days.
You did offer and I don't think you can now make it awkward by bringing money into it. Hopefully they will give you a contribution towards the extra food etc when they drop off the dc because that is what most of us would do, but they may have assumed you will cover this time and they will reciprocate at a later date.

chocatoo · 16/02/2018 19:19

Surely they will send money with the kids? I would. Maybe just say that you are getting your act together in terms of planning days out etc. and could they give you a steer as to what kind of level of spending money the kids will have with them? Good luck!

UrsulaPandress · 16/02/2018 19:19

I'm sure they will come with some spending money.

kittymamma · 16/02/2018 19:28

I don't see the problem. You are still in the planning stage. Email them and say, you were thinking of activities. That you had come up with a few free ones (list) but think it might be nice to do one or two more expensive ones (list with entrance fees per child). Which ones do they think the children will all enjoy? End with a comment about contributions being appreciated but of course not to worry about food and travelling expenses, you don't mind covering that, you're happy to do it for family.

Or better still... get your husband to do it.

Mummadeeze · 16/02/2018 19:29

So a Mum looked after my daughter for one day in half term to help me out along with her 2 children and one other child. I thought they were hanging out at her house but she texted me on the day and asked if I would mind if she took them to Flip Out which is a trampoline centre. I texted back that that would be great but please let me know how much the entrance is so that I could pay her back. She insisted it was her treat so I bought her a nice bottle of wine to say thanks. I think if you tell them you are planning a day out to a theme park it would be a bit odd if they didn't offer to contribute, especially as there are five of them! As an aside I am amazed at your selflessness to look after 5 extra kids for all that time anyway! It is extremely kind and generous so don't feel bad to bring up expenses.

Booboo66 · 16/02/2018 19:31

Personally I wouldn’t ask and stick
To the cheap/free activities for those few days. Your DC won’t miss out as they will have their cousins to entertain them. The Easter holidays are 2+ weeks long so there will be plenty time either side to do the big trips.

shortgreengiraffe · 16/02/2018 19:35

It's all about how you phrase it.

'I would like payment for looking after your kids' = not okay

'Looking forward to half term. We would like to go for a few days out as 9 kids and 2 adults in the house for a week will be a bit much! Are you happy to help cover the costs of this? We were thinking XYZ which would come to £ per child.' = perfectly acceptable.

Dianag111 · 16/02/2018 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Confusedbeetle · 16/02/2018 19:40

No deffo dont ask

milliemolliemou · 16/02/2018 19:45

OP bloody hell - is your DP helping with this? 7 kids of varying ages, 2 of yours, five cousins .. that needs more than one car for starters unless you're in the middle of town and can walk to the park. You can't even take them swimming in most pools under current rules if some are under a certain age, even with you and DP. Or do you have a nanny who will help? If they're all teenagers, the Lord help you.

Otherwise agree with shortgreen note. Clearly apart from museums and parks everything is going to cost you x5 kids extra. For 6 days.

Original poster
upsideup · 16/02/2018 19:52

We have already decided that we wont ask, we will wait and see they may offer as we suggest what we are planning to do, if not then we will have to suck it up as we did offer but know its not something we would rush into agreeing to in the future.
Of course DH will be helping, we luckily have adult DSD (and bf) who has agreed to help as well.

OP posts:
Aragog · 16/02/2018 19:57

When I have had my nieces to stay (I offered as I knew they would have to use annual leave in the school holidays and it adds up over the year and knew Dd, their older cousin, would enjoy them visiting for a few days - we've done it a couple of times each year for the past 2-3) I have not asked for money at all.

However each time they've arrived we've been given some money towards expenses - not loads, but enough to cover a bigger day trip out. I don't actually use most of it for that mostly - I let the girls choose a souvenir from their visit.

millymae · 16/02/2018 19:58

If I was leaving 5 children for 6 days I would be offering money to whoever was looking after them, family or not.
As parents themselves your SIL and BIL must be well aware how expensive children are to entertain and feed during the holidays and unless you are millionaires I think it’s a pretty poor show that they haven’t offered you anything. The fact that you offered to have them, rather than them asking you is irrelevant to me.
Asking for a financial contribution from them may be embarrassing but I don’t think you would be unreasonable in doing so especially as it seems that they won’t be returning the favour.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 16/02/2018 19:58

9 kids?Grin I think you took leave of your senses.

NoSquirrels · 16/02/2018 19:59

Nine DC? 9! NINE...

[faints]

[recovers]

Ages 3-15 I think you need a divide-and-conquer strategy!

Do mention it as part of your planning- I don’t take/offer money when having cousins, but that’s because it’s repaid in kind & there aren’t that many! In your situation, unless you’re rolling in money, I’d have to. Even ice creams at the park would be ruinous!

Good luck, OP!