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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge family for looking after their children?

243 replies

upsideup · 15/02/2018 15:46

We are looking after Sil's and BiL's DC (5 children) for 6 days in the easter holidays, It was all agreed a few weeks ago and we have been communicating and organising since however so far there has been no mention of payment, 5 children for for 6 days is going to be a significant amount of extra money just in food and other essentials
As its half term we will be doing days out and actvities anyway for our children but as Sil and biL are not expecting us to do these extra things, it kind of feels of wrong to expecting them to pay and we dont want our children to miss out by sticking to cheaper or free activities.
They live abroad so we dont see them that often and both parents had to go away anyway, so we offered to have the children, so they didnt ask if that makes a difference.
Normally we would go abroad in the easter holidays and we are just staying home this year so thats a saving and I guess our chidlren our benefitting from having fun with their cousins.

Would you ask for payement? and how much? If we going to ask, we are going to have to do it soon.

OP posts:
Kittypillar · 15/02/2018 16:01

Hmmm I'd feel a little bit uncomfortable with this if I'd offered but...

Perhaps just for the days out aspect, send them a message saying "we were thinking about going to [insert place here] but the entrance fee is X amount. Not sure if we could afford that for our kids + your 5, but what do you reckon?"

That's probably not the best word-for-word it could be, but something like that... Just so they have the opportunity to contribute to the days out at least?

For food and the like, I'm not really sure what to suggest. Personally, I'd probably leave it if it's a one off now as it's a bit awkward to be asking at this later stage (and just plan the most efficient meals I possibly could!) but I won't presume what your situation is. It may be that you have to say that having thought about it a bit more, you're worried you can't afford it for that length of time and ask them. I probably would have offered if it was my 5 kids for that length of time but maybe they just haven't thought about it like that.

CraftyGin · 15/02/2018 16:01

If they were getting free childcare because they were working, then I would have the conversation.

As they are visiting as a consequence of living abroad, I would put it down to hospitality. It must be costing them a cracking amount to travel.

You don’t have to do paid activities. The cousins will be able to make their own fun together. Food costs are pretty minimal if you plan wisely.

Original poster
upsideup · 15/02/2018 16:03

I did mean paying for their expenses (days out) not just in general for having them. I guess when it was arranged, we kind of assumed they would offer to pay something as I know we definately would.

But most pp's are right, we cant really backtrack and ask for money now.

OP posts:
Aridane · 15/02/2018 16:07

No - I wouldn't be asking for money / expenses for having nieces and nephews staying with me. However, if I couldn't afford to have them stay, I either wouldn't have them stay or would just be honest about finances and ask for some cash

Kittypillar · 15/02/2018 16:09

I did mean paying for their expenses (days out) not just in general for having them. I guess when it was arranged, we kind of assumed they would offer to pay something as I know we definately would.

Noted, I would honestly just ask them then. Say you thought it might be nice to go here, but it would cost X amount and do they think that would be alright/kids would enjoy it? As long as you don't book up the week with expensive things, theme parks etc, and maybe limit it to 1/2 at a push activities like that, I think that would be a reasonable request? Not much you can do if they say no thanks of course, but it's worth a try...

ZanyMobster · 15/02/2018 16:11

I wouldn't ask but I would certainly offer to pay for days out/food out if it was my family having the kids. I wouldn't offer if they were staying and providing food at home as none of us would see that as an issue.

Headofthehive55 · 15/02/2018 16:11

Id contact them and say, hey we were thinking about going to visit Alton towers or where, but obviously can't afford to pay for so many chikdren! Leave a pregnant pause and see if they offer.

squarecorners · 15/02/2018 16:11

I wouldn't "charge" them, per se, but maybe tactfully ask "would you mind chipping in x amount for y activity? We were planning it with ours but it's quite expensive for all of them..." I wouldn't ask if I was looking after my in laws kids (and I'd offered) but I guess I wouldn't mind being asked if the boot was on the other foot. I always offer to pay for my son if outings are being mooted.

ZanyMobster · 15/02/2018 16:12

Oh and if family didn't offer I probably wouldn't ask but if I couldn't afford it next time I would either ask in advance or just do free stuff with the kids.

snash12 · 15/02/2018 16:13

There is still about 6 weeks to go until Easter so perhaps they are planning on offering something when you meet?

ittakes2 · 15/02/2018 16:16

I think you should email them a list of activities with the costs and say here are some options - do you want me to take your children to any of these and if yes, which ones.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 15/02/2018 16:18

I wouldn’t ask for money..... but if someone is taking my kids, even for a day out I always offer or try to give money even if it results in an argument.

GinGarden · 15/02/2018 16:19

I would just phrase it like “whilst the kids are with us we are hoping to go to x, the cost per head will be approx £x each plus lunch etc, are you happy to cover that for yours?”
I dont think it is at all unreasonable and they may be feeling awkward themselves as to what is expected of them. So often these things are planned or discussed in haste and not really thought through by either side, dont let it fester, get it out in the open now. Email is my chicken way out!!

Katedotness1963 · 15/02/2018 16:20

I wouldn't even have thought to ask for money for having my nieces and nephews spend a holiday with me.

Original poster
upsideup · 15/02/2018 16:21

I just noticed I didnt make it clear in the OP but BiL's and SiL's children are two seperate familys.
DH's brother has 2 children and DH's sister has 3, both are not with the other parent so I didnt consider they could be my BiL/SiL and look like I was just talking about one family.
I dont think that changes anything though.

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 15/02/2018 16:21

No-I wouldn’t ask for money if you offered to have them.

MuseumOfCurry · 15/02/2018 16:22

I can't imagine, actually, allowing someone to look after five children. That's insane.

Apart from this, I'd discreetly hand over an envelope of cash if I were them. My sister occasionally sends my niece over from the US to spend several weeks with me and sends £500 or so via paypal, which I always reject.

pallisers · 15/02/2018 16:22

It is pretty thoughtless to drop off your 5 children and not hand over some cash for outings/unexpected expenses/extra food.

Surely when they arrive, they'll give you some cash for the kids?

SweetMoon · 15/02/2018 16:22

No you can't charge them as you offered and they are family. Will your children survive not going to a theme park this half term? If it helps, mine have been to one once in their entire lives and miraculously all are still alive.

If yours really can't manage to last a week without expensive days out then you'll have to swallow the cost of paying for the others.

However I think you are very unreasonable thinking your dc's will 'miss out' if they have to do free or cheap activities! Perhaps these cousins are not quite so materialistic and shallow.

I would be surpirised if the parents don't send money with them or transfer some for you for their food and a bit of spending, but perhaps they don't feel the need to spend a fortune amusing their children every half term, so that just hasn't occured to them.

Birdsgottafly · 15/02/2018 16:23

What does your DH say about it?

bunbunny · 15/02/2018 16:24

Howabout something along the lines of 'getting our wires crossed / talking at cross purposes when you were hoping we could help you out of a tight spot when you needed childcare for easter...'

And then add that while of course you are happy to help out as you had been planning to take your dc to do xyz and eat out at abc, which is what you'd been planning as a family/saving up for as traditional easter treat/etc you obviously don't have enough for all 5 to go as well - any chance they could let you know how much money they were planning on sending with the dc for activities and treats while they were with you so that you can plan again for Easter and work out what you can afford - or not - and start to manage your own dc expectations so they don't get upset about missing things they thought they were doing or get their cousins all excited about plans and then have to say it's not happening...

That way you're assuming that they're sending something and gives them flexibility to say lots or a little. And hopefully stops them sending over an expensive unwanted present rather than actual useful money!

diddl · 15/02/2018 16:25

So 2 people visiting from abroad also have to leave their kids whilst here??

It's (hopefully) great for the cousins, I agree-but had they acyually ade any plans for childcare?

MichaelBendfaster · 15/02/2018 16:26

TBH I'm surprised they didn't say when you offered, 'Oh great, thanks – and let us know what you need money-wise' or similar. But as a PP says, perhaps they're planning on offering something nearer the time.

I don't think it's too late to ask now. You don't have the kids yet. Email and say 'We're starting to think about expenses, activities etc for the holidays and are thinking about stuff like eating out a couple of times, activity A and activity B – we reckon we'll be spending about £x on them altogether.'

Hollapallooza · 15/02/2018 16:27

Personally I think they should offer but who knows, maybe they can't actually afford the activities you're wanting to involve them in x

norfolkenclue · 15/02/2018 16:27

How on earth are you even expecting to GET everyone to these activities? Easter hols is two full weeks 'and a bit'. You're having the kids for 6 days. Just pack a picnic and walk them to the park! I'm agog that you'd even contemplate taking yours, plus 5 more, to theme parks 😲😩 Wait until they've left and take your own family as a treat (respite 😂) after their cousins gave left.