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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is what I'm asking so bad?!

261 replies

Kat160417 · 15/02/2018 09:29

Sorry but this is such a long post!!

So I had to return to work full time when DD was 6 months as I couldn't afford to be off any longer. We are lucky and have family that help with child care 3 days a week and a child minder for 2 days.

DD is now 10 months. Child minder is absolutely fab, no complaints, same with my parents but my in laws are driving me crazy!!

They have DD 2 days a week. Some days they keep her inside all day even if the weather is really nice (I know it's still cold atm but just wrap up?) And just let her watch telly all day. She only ever sleeps for "about 10 mins all day" if that was the case she would be screaming the house down wouldn't She? Considering everyone else that has her tells us she has a good nap on a morning and afternoon. If they do take her out, we are never told and it's as if we have asked something completely bizarre if we do ask what she's done through the day.

We asked everyone who watches her to not give DD any chocolate. We've given her little bits before but she's only 10 months old and doesn't know what it is so she's not missing out if she doesn't have any! Turns out the in laws have been giving her chocolate! I was so upset and angry mainly because they are going against what myself and DP have asked! When we have confronted them about giving it to her, they have argued back and said it won't do her any harm. We know that it won't but to me it shows they have no respect for us as parents.

They have an old Labrador who is as soft as anything and never bothers with anyone. DD was rolling about the floor and went to the dog and touched her face. DP mother found it so funny. Why would you let a baby touch a dog's face when you don't have hold of the dog or baby?! Even if the dog is as soft as shit I don't want to take that risk. You hear so many horror stories and I don't want DD being one of them. Of course the in laws again think we are being crazy because we've asked them to keep DD away from the dog.

When DD is with the child minder we obviously get told what she's ate and done through the day. I know that's her job but it's so fab that we get that and it's the same when she's with my parents. So all I'm asking is for my in laws to say how DD has been and what they have done through the day with her - is that such a hard thing for them to do?!?! DD has so much going on atm - she has hip dysplasia and has to have hip surgery in the summer and will be put in a hip spica cast. She's keeps getting unwell with bronchiolitis and has been referred to ENT for an issue with her throat. I know she doesn't know about this but I do and I'm so so stressed with it all and now I'm stressing about when she's with them because they never tell us anything and then think we're being funny when we ask them too!!

There is a part of me that needs to calm down with my control over the situation but she's my first child and as I've said above she hasn't had the easiest time. I'm haven't chosen to return to work full time it's because unfortunately I have to! I'm much prefer to be spending the days with my DD (I know a lot of parents are in the same boat as me).

Thanks to anyone that has read this mega long post! But I'm just so stressed and wondering if I'm just being completely crazy!!

OP posts:
Battleax · 16/02/2018 04:13

Also, It's not that easy to just pay for another 2 days child care - considering how expensive it is and we're not able to claim anything.

That's the catch 22 with young children. It costs money to earn money. Lots and lots of money, because childcare is expensive.

Which is why lots of low-middle income parents (usually women) get forced into being a SAHP whether they like it or not, and still have to grapple with poverty in that situation.

Do keep one eye on the fact that someone is giving you FREE services to enable you to work and earn.

Sostenueto · 16/02/2018 04:16

Try looking after your child yourself and give up your luxuries instead.

lovelystar · 16/02/2018 05:02

Some people just don't realise how bloody lucky they are

This

WhiteWalkersWife · 16/02/2018 07:30

Yanbu about the dog. I cringe when i see idiots people encouraging baby and dc to possibly irritate and stress animals by climbing on them, touching them and being unsupervised with them.

My friend tried to snap pics of her baby rolling around with my soft arse cat. What she failed to notice was he was petrified of the squalling grabby intruder. Who would suffer there? Her baby and my boy if he scratched.

Id look for a nursery if you want a full breakdown though. Childminders dont have to do that. I personally wouldnt trust anyone who puts dgc and pets at potential risk and if you and your dh feel thats the case then focus on that. The chocolate...thats gp and aunts and uncles and many to some degree. The tv again not ideal but you cant dictate they go out. Though again that would give me more reason to feel sorry for dog if they dont go out to walk it.

WhiteWalkersWife · 16/02/2018 07:33

And id love pil or dparents to be able to look after my dc. Dc would love it and it would save me so much. I know they will spoil with food and not do discipline but they would be safe. Safety to me would be the main thing in leaving anywhere.

Dozer · 16/02/2018 08:05

This reply has been deleted

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Sostenueto · 16/02/2018 08:13

No, I wont dozer. When you have children they are your responsibility. If you have to keep palming them off to other people without paying for them to mind your children and moan about it then either work part time or don't have children.

Sostenueto · 16/02/2018 08:16

By the way dozer everyone is entitled to their opinion. Your foul mouth shows your lack of understanding of that fact.

Dozer · 16/02/2018 08:20

sexist shite.

Sostenueto · 16/02/2018 08:24

Bye bye dozer!Biscuit

Backenette · 16/02/2018 08:25

We have no family around to help us - everyone lives thousands of km away.

I dont think it’s unreasonable to ask for a quick ‘didn’t nap, ate ok today, we went to the park’ recap. I get that from nursery daily.
I do think it’s important to be safer around dogs - that would bother me.

The problem is that they are doing two days a week for free and that’s massive.

I don’t think people who have family close realise sometimes how much harder it is without that help (someone on my fb was moaning she never goes out when she’s out once a week on the lash at least. We’ve been out twice in two years.)

realistically I think pick your battles. What’s non negotiable? For me it’d be the dog. Tv and indoors wouldn’t bother me as much, and neither would a bit of choc. Think about what’s really making you anxious and address that. Try to let go of the rest.

What it comes down to is that if you pay the piper you call the tune.

Dozer · 16/02/2018 08:25

Oh, are you off to work? If so hope you use your pocket money to pay for a handbag!

Sostenueto · 16/02/2018 08:35

Dozer I have looked after my grandchildren for 16 years while their parents work, unpaid and not just 2 days a week. Before that as a single working parent I bought up my children opting for a job that I could do while in school hours. This meant a drastic fall in income and a hard time giving g my 2 dds all they needed. But the sacrifices I did and never using a child minder, having no family to help me was worth it as I saw both through uni, still supporting them by working 60 hours a week while at uni, and now happily married well off and appreciative of what I do for them. Oh yes I too have a dog. My long legged staffie boy aged 17 died last year and guess what? I got another one who my dgc adore too!

Sostenueto · 16/02/2018 08:37

All this dozer I do for love even though I am disabled. Money isnt the most important this g in the world. So go forth dozer and do what you do best........

lifechangesforeverinjuly · 16/02/2018 08:45

I think you sound quite precious about it all to be honest.

If I'd agreed to look after a child for 2 days a week for no money, I'd just count my lucky stars and be happy that child was with family who love her and she's not in harms way.

Not sure why you need a blow by blow account of what's been going on.

LakieLady · 16/02/2018 08:45

I'll never understand why so many people post an AIBU then argue back with the general consensus

Because they're really looking for affirmation, not opinions. Which means they're asking in the wrong place. Grin

Sostenueto · 16/02/2018 08:49

Backeneck agree totally seems to me op does not know how lucky she is. The only family I have is my dds and dgc. They know their dc are safe with me and my dog! I ask for nothing, won't take money but anything I need suddenly and mysteriously appears for some unknown reason.....unless, if course its loveSmile

WhiteWalkersWife · 16/02/2018 09:00

Yes but it sounds like the op and her dp dont know that their dd is safe with gp and the dog. Op says theyve both asked the gp to kerp dgd away from the dog but they keep doing it.

Chocolate and tv not unsafe but the dog could be. If they let dgd roll on the floor and irritate the dog when her parents are there, when theyve been asked not to put her close to it, why would they be confident of how they are acting when not? They could walk out and leave dgd alone. How would op and her dh know?

Paid childcare is the better alternative. No dogs or no poor dog owners. No worry for the baby or the dog.

WhiteWalkersWife · 16/02/2018 09:03

Id love free childcare. It would mean a lot to us. Dparents have pets but i am100% sure that they are good gp and good dog and cat owners. I could trust them easily.

My friend who thought to irritate my poor cat...not sk much trust.

pilates · 16/02/2018 09:03

Op, you do sound very stressed with work, unwell baby and a forthcoming operation coming up 💐. Is there any way you could cut your hours so you are doing 4 days a week instead of 5? The staying in a couple of days a week wouldn’t bother me but the giving chocolate and non-supervision with the dog would.

Countingsheeeep · 16/02/2018 09:08

I don't think that it's crazy you want to know what your dd has been up to during the day.

I also wouldn't be happy with the dog situation or the chocolate.

Having said that, alternative childcare is the only option really, as people like that rarely change. They are cutting their nose off to spite their face by not agreeing to some pretty simple requests, a they will be losing out on time with their grand child if and when you seek an alternative.

Perhaps you should let them know you will be considering alternative arrangements if they can't agree to you requests. Might give them a kick up the butt.

Lizzie48 · 16/02/2018 09:14

I agree with PPs that you're being very ungrateful about the fact that your PIL are willing to look after your 10 month old. Our DDs have 2 Grandmas in their late 70s and there's no way either of them could do regular childcare for us! My DM has them for the occasional sleepover (and just one at a time) and she's totally shattered.

I do get why you're irritated about this, I don't like the way my DM looks after my DDs sometimes. But you're so fortunate to have as much help as you're getting. Either flow with it or arrange alternative childcare.

I would agree with you about the dog, though, they should be more careful as even a very docile dog can snap.

Lichtie · 16/02/2018 09:20

You describe a lovely soft dog who is used to being around children and interacting with them. I really don't see the problem with that. They are not putting your child at risk. The dog is theirs and part of their family.
The chocolate I would be more annoyed about, but I wouldn't make a big deal of it for free childcare.

myusernamewastaken · 16/02/2018 09:23

Op you sound ungrateful....i hope your inlaws terminate this arrangement pronto as i wouldnt look after a child for free and then have the parents nit picking at me...

DustyMaiden · 16/02/2018 09:32

If you relax and just ask if they’ve had a good day, they might tell you.

At the moment it sounds like an interrogation, with you telling them what you don’t approve of.

You can’t expect them to go out in the cold everyday because you demand it.

Try to relax and make sure they know how grateful you are.

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