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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is what I'm asking so bad?!

261 replies

Kat160417 · 15/02/2018 09:29

Sorry but this is such a long post!!

So I had to return to work full time when DD was 6 months as I couldn't afford to be off any longer. We are lucky and have family that help with child care 3 days a week and a child minder for 2 days.

DD is now 10 months. Child minder is absolutely fab, no complaints, same with my parents but my in laws are driving me crazy!!

They have DD 2 days a week. Some days they keep her inside all day even if the weather is really nice (I know it's still cold atm but just wrap up?) And just let her watch telly all day. She only ever sleeps for "about 10 mins all day" if that was the case she would be screaming the house down wouldn't She? Considering everyone else that has her tells us she has a good nap on a morning and afternoon. If they do take her out, we are never told and it's as if we have asked something completely bizarre if we do ask what she's done through the day.

We asked everyone who watches her to not give DD any chocolate. We've given her little bits before but she's only 10 months old and doesn't know what it is so she's not missing out if she doesn't have any! Turns out the in laws have been giving her chocolate! I was so upset and angry mainly because they are going against what myself and DP have asked! When we have confronted them about giving it to her, they have argued back and said it won't do her any harm. We know that it won't but to me it shows they have no respect for us as parents.

They have an old Labrador who is as soft as anything and never bothers with anyone. DD was rolling about the floor and went to the dog and touched her face. DP mother found it so funny. Why would you let a baby touch a dog's face when you don't have hold of the dog or baby?! Even if the dog is as soft as shit I don't want to take that risk. You hear so many horror stories and I don't want DD being one of them. Of course the in laws again think we are being crazy because we've asked them to keep DD away from the dog.

When DD is with the child minder we obviously get told what she's ate and done through the day. I know that's her job but it's so fab that we get that and it's the same when she's with my parents. So all I'm asking is for my in laws to say how DD has been and what they have done through the day with her - is that such a hard thing for them to do?!?! DD has so much going on atm - she has hip dysplasia and has to have hip surgery in the summer and will be put in a hip spica cast. She's keeps getting unwell with bronchiolitis and has been referred to ENT for an issue with her throat. I know she doesn't know about this but I do and I'm so so stressed with it all and now I'm stressing about when she's with them because they never tell us anything and then think we're being funny when we ask them too!!

There is a part of me that needs to calm down with my control over the situation but she's my first child and as I've said above she hasn't had the easiest time. I'm haven't chosen to return to work full time it's because unfortunately I have to! I'm much prefer to be spending the days with my DD (I know a lot of parents are in the same boat as me).

Thanks to anyone that has read this mega long post! But I'm just so stressed and wondering if I'm just being completely crazy!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kat160417 · 15/02/2018 09:46

So just because I'm getting free child care I shouldn't be bothered about what my child is doing?? It doesn't matter whether it's free or not, she shouldn't be spending her days watching telly etc.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 15/02/2018 09:46

No it's not that easy to pay for childcare which is why you can't really look a gift horse in the mouth!

frieda909 · 15/02/2018 09:47

I think some of what you’re asking is perfectly fair and some of it is a bit unreasonable. If you’re trusting a relative to look after your child then you have to trust them. I don’t think it’s quite fair to expect a full report on everything she’s done and eaten that day when someone is really doing you a very big favour.

That said, I would hope that someone would respect your wishes when you’ve asked them to do or not do something. But I remember part of the fun of going to relatives’ houses when I was little was that they snuck me ‘treats’ that mummy or daddy wouldn’t let me have! But they shouldn’t argue with you about it.

Original poster
Kat160417 · 15/02/2018 09:49

My DP thinks the same as me but I'm getting more stressed with it because I'm stressing more about DD surgery and up coming appointments.

This might be why all of this seems worse for me but yes they are her grandparents but we're her parents and they should respect what we ask.

OP posts:
PaddingtonLoverOfMarmalade · 15/02/2018 09:49

I don't think you're being precious. Sounds like they have a different parenting style to you. If they won't listen to your dp (their son) then it's a case of accept it or decrease the amount of childcare they do. Doesn't seem like they're enjoying it much anyway - perhaps 1 day a week would be a compromise and affordable?

QuantamBaby · 15/02/2018 09:51

You aren't being precious, but this is the 'cost' of free childcare. You pay for it in ways other than money.

Find the money for a childminder and your stress will reduce.

PastaOfMuppets · 15/02/2018 09:51

Sure DD shouldn't be doing that stuff. The point is that your ILs are allowing it. They haven't stopped when you've asked them. So the choice is, put up with it/them, or don't. There is little point in repeating what you don't like because that doesn't get you better childcare.

The real question isn't 'AIBU to want the childcare on my terms' but rather 'what are you going to do to get the childcare on your terms seeing as your ILs are not delivering what you want?'

gamerchick · 15/02/2018 09:52

If you want a detailed list of what she’s done then you need paid childcare. It wouldn’t occur to me to keep a chart for a family kid if I’m honest. They just slot in with family life.

PatheticNamechange · 15/02/2018 09:52

So just because I'm getting free child care I shouldn't be bothered about what my child is doing??

Erm yes. Maybe 'shouldn't be bothered' is the wrong way to look at it.

If you want free childcare, you'll have to suck it up unfortunately.

You trust them to look after your child, or you don't. It's up to you. What do you think will happen if the tv is on all day. I highly doubt she is staring at it from the time you leave until you pick her up.

Original poster
Kat160417 · 15/02/2018 09:53

@frieda909 at least someone kind of agrees with me!!
I probably typed it wrong but I don't want a minute by minute account of what she has done, but I just want to know if she has been out for the day - I don't think there's anything wrong with that?

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 15/02/2018 09:55

Maybe they are tired and find it easier to let her watch telly than go out and about.

If you aren’t happy-pay for a child minder. You can’t get free childcare and dictate all the terms.

Only1scoop · 15/02/2018 09:56

They are looking after your dc for two full days a week??

And you are expecting a breakdown of walks out what she's done etc, to stick to nap times....

Pay for it all the above will be adhered too

It's a MASSIVE ask did they to have your dc. You should be grateful not nit picking every little thing.

Appuskidu · 15/02/2018 09:57

but I just want to know if she has been out for the day - I don't think there's anything wrong with that?

If that’s the only problem-why don’t you just ask them at the end of the day?!

Original poster
Kat160417 · 15/02/2018 09:57

As I've said previously, we will be increasing the days with the childminder but it won't be until September. Again, I know I need to come to terms with the different parenting styles, but it's still annoying and always will be.

OP posts:
nannybeach · 15/02/2018 09:58

I wouldnt give a 10 month old chocolate, I do have 2 dogs have always had dogs, with kids, grandkids, have been looking after them in the half term, collecting them from other grandparents this after noon. They are regularly wormed,flead, (the dogs, not the kids) their Mum always grew up with the dogs, and had her own.HOWEVER, the rest I agree, with my dgc, its their Mum, her rules

FancyNewBeesly · 15/02/2018 09:58

My twins spend at least two days a week where they don’t go out. Make sure they have a good range of toys and don’t worry about that too much.

Original poster
Kat160417 · 15/02/2018 10:00

They're only in their 50's and definitely don't get tired that easily.

They originally said to us that they would have her 4 full days a week but we said no because we wanted her to have some interaction with only kids and they have their other 2 grandchild all weekend every weekend BY CHOICE. So yes they are doing us a favour but it's also so they can see DD

OP posts:
Littlepond · 15/02/2018 10:02

I do see where you are coming from but as a pp said, that is the "cost" of this childcare for you. You need to make a decision about which cost you are prepared to bear - financial or relinquishing some control. FWIW I think the grandparents should be listening to you as a parent, but at the end of the day you have a choice to use them as childcare or not.

Original poster
Kat160417 · 15/02/2018 10:02

@nannybeach thank you!!!
I don't think the dog would do anything because like I said she's soft as shit but I don't want to take the risk.

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 15/02/2018 10:03

I think you need to decide what's more important to you - the free childcare or your peace of mind. I was in a similar situation when my DS1 was very young: I was on a career break so didn't need childcare but MIL insisted on having DS1 for a few hours each week ... no problem, I thought. But after a while problems arose: I discovered they had been feeding him KitKats at 6 months old (no wonder he wouldn't eat pureed carrot!!) and putting him down for a nap at 4pm!!! this was because it supposedly suited them ... spoke to MIL's DH (not my DH's DF) who told me it was nothing to do with me - their choice when they were looking after him. It got quite strained between us all - after all, I didn't NEED them to look after DS. It built up a lot of resentment on both sides. I would advise you not to let this happen and nip it in the bud as soon as possible, whether by accepting it or paying for extra childcare. They won't change.

Original poster
Kat160417 · 15/02/2018 10:04

@littlepond yeah I understand. And I've said that i know I need to realise that I can't control everything but I just want them to listen to us and respect what we ask and especially don't argue about it when we say don't give her something

OP posts:
Hullabaloo40 · 15/02/2018 10:05

One thing you will get from your parents in law and not from a child minder is unconditional love. They will care for her emotionally in a way you can't pay anyone for. Does your daughter seem happy? If so leave her with them, but speak to them. I would just pick the one or 2 things that really bother you rather than have a long list and tackle those so that you can be a bit more comfortable. These days nurseries etc tell you how many times your child has filled their nappy and have apps you can check. This will be completely alien to your in laws. You are probably (I know I am) a lot more at ease with your own parents and tell them unambiguously what you want, and they obviously know you better so know what to say to you that will put you at ease. I can understand that upcoming surgery will be making you feel (rightly so) quite stressed. I do find myself that I am a lot more forgiving of my own parents faults than I am of my in laws. Please just talk really frankly with them, they would probably be devastated if they felt that you didn't trust them with their grand daughter.

OracleofDelphi · 15/02/2018 10:05

So just because I'm getting free child care I shouldn't be bothered about what my child is doing?? Sorry Kat but thats kind of the way it is..... In an ideal world it would be perfect and you would be happy but quite often this is how life is.

If you ask someone to do you a FAVOUR - thats exactly what they are doing - a FAVOUR. Many people would be so grateful to have GP to help. Maybe youre not understanding what you are asking of them. You are asking them to look after your baby daughter twice a week every week presumably until she goes to school.

If they look after her for 8 hours a day / 2 days a week over 4 years that is 3200 hours of FREE childcare they are giving you. So as well as helping you out, and your DD being brought up around her grandparents and developing a bond, they are actually saving you in the region of £20,000. So that is a hell of a big favour to ask someone.

You have two choices. Accept they dont do everything you want, but acknowledge that they are helping you our massively and saving you a huge amount of money. Or pay a professional who does things more the way you like.

You simply cannot accept free childcare and then complain about it. My DC are 15m apart and I paid £1200 a month for years in childcare.

Original poster
Kat160417 · 15/02/2018 10:07

@piffle11 a KitKat at 6 months - no way!!!
But yeah this does sound kind of similar to my situation and the fact that it suits them. We have asked them to not let DD sleep on them but there has been numerous times when DP has been to pick her up after 5pm and she's been asleep on MIL!!

OP posts:
chocatoo · 15/02/2018 10:07

So you just need to keep going till September which will be here before you know it. You are very lucky to have free childcare until then! Your daughter is doing lots on the other days so I wouldn't stress too much.

What about finding a baby gym or baby music class and asking GPs to take her to that? - you could pay up front.

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