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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is what I'm asking so bad?!

261 replies

Kat160417 · 15/02/2018 09:29

Sorry but this is such a long post!!

So I had to return to work full time when DD was 6 months as I couldn't afford to be off any longer. We are lucky and have family that help with child care 3 days a week and a child minder for 2 days.

DD is now 10 months. Child minder is absolutely fab, no complaints, same with my parents but my in laws are driving me crazy!!

They have DD 2 days a week. Some days they keep her inside all day even if the weather is really nice (I know it's still cold atm but just wrap up?) And just let her watch telly all day. She only ever sleeps for "about 10 mins all day" if that was the case she would be screaming the house down wouldn't She? Considering everyone else that has her tells us she has a good nap on a morning and afternoon. If they do take her out, we are never told and it's as if we have asked something completely bizarre if we do ask what she's done through the day.

We asked everyone who watches her to not give DD any chocolate. We've given her little bits before but she's only 10 months old and doesn't know what it is so she's not missing out if she doesn't have any! Turns out the in laws have been giving her chocolate! I was so upset and angry mainly because they are going against what myself and DP have asked! When we have confronted them about giving it to her, they have argued back and said it won't do her any harm. We know that it won't but to me it shows they have no respect for us as parents.

They have an old Labrador who is as soft as anything and never bothers with anyone. DD was rolling about the floor and went to the dog and touched her face. DP mother found it so funny. Why would you let a baby touch a dog's face when you don't have hold of the dog or baby?! Even if the dog is as soft as shit I don't want to take that risk. You hear so many horror stories and I don't want DD being one of them. Of course the in laws again think we are being crazy because we've asked them to keep DD away from the dog.

When DD is with the child minder we obviously get told what she's ate and done through the day. I know that's her job but it's so fab that we get that and it's the same when she's with my parents. So all I'm asking is for my in laws to say how DD has been and what they have done through the day with her - is that such a hard thing for them to do?!?! DD has so much going on atm - she has hip dysplasia and has to have hip surgery in the summer and will be put in a hip spica cast. She's keeps getting unwell with bronchiolitis and has been referred to ENT for an issue with her throat. I know she doesn't know about this but I do and I'm so so stressed with it all and now I'm stressing about when she's with them because they never tell us anything and then think we're being funny when we ask them too!!

There is a part of me that needs to calm down with my control over the situation but she's my first child and as I've said above she hasn't had the easiest time. I'm haven't chosen to return to work full time it's because unfortunately I have to! I'm much prefer to be spending the days with my DD (I know a lot of parents are in the same boat as me).

Thanks to anyone that has read this mega long post! But I'm just so stressed and wondering if I'm just being completely crazy!!

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 15/02/2018 21:26

Do you provide dd meals?

Sparrowlegs248 · 15/02/2018 21:34

kat I totally get where you are coming from. I rely on GPs for some childcare. Other posters are right though, you need to pick your battles. Personally i'd be picking the sleep one. It's perfectly possible that she barely sleeps all day. Ds2 came home from a whole day with his dad and gps having not slept at all. Despite three being 3 adults to look after him and his brother.

It's the price you pay for free childcare. I'd let the chocolate go. It's what grandparents are for. (Giving treats)

Branleuse · 15/02/2018 22:04

Theyre babysitting your kid for free 3 days a week, and youre expecting them to act like your paid staff

Lashalicious · 15/02/2018 22:56

dadshere

I read that article just now. The Labrador is the most popular breed so there are a lot more of them, so of course they will be a higher percentage, also 1/3 of those bites were postmen, and children were not mentioned as being the usual victim, usually it is someone outside the household. I am very cautious when it comes to dogs and children, did you not read the rest of my post? I said that any dog will bite if provoked and etc. Go back and read what I wrote.

The most dangerous dog here in the US in my experience and from all the news reports is the pit bull or pit bull mixes. They are the ones that will maul a baby or a child or a young woman, even its owners, tearing them to pieces and killing them. I would much much rather have a lab around a baby than a Pitbull. I have been around both extensively and labs here are by far, BY FAR, gentler and smarter. A lab will take a bite if provoked but a Pitbull will go stark raving mad for no reason and kill babies and children. Fact. I don’t even care about the owners fault or the breed debate. I would not have a Pitbull period.

Lashalicious · 15/02/2018 22:59

I have never heard of or seen a violent lab personally in my entire life here in the US but I sure have pit bulls.

A bite on the hand of a stranger when provoked is much, much different than stark raving mad dog tearing its own owner or the baby who lives in the house to pieces. Big difference.

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/02/2018 23:10

My OH has a vicious Lab. She will be fine one minute and then 'turn' and snap or grab onto your clothing. It's quite scary, and she's a big dog...

Unfortunately people think all Labs are fine and go to stroke her...they only do it once. She has to be muzzled for the vet.

FingersCrossedHard · 15/02/2018 23:12

And here lies the problem with free family childcare op.

Kid plonked in front of a TV for 8 hours? Well it's free! What do you expect?

Kid fed chocolate and sweets all day? Well you're not paying, what do you expect?

Family members not considering your wishes for nap times/safety concerns/anything else? Well it's free! How fucking dare you object!

Let the PIL be grandparents and put your dc with the cm for those days. With issues and your rules being broken this early because they think they know best, it's unlikely to evolve into them giving a crap about your wishes IME.

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2018 23:14

This might be why all of this seems worse for me but yes they are her grandparents but we're her parents and they should respect what we ask.

Up to a point (and I look after my DGC).

If you don't allow chocolate (even though you give it to her) then maybe they shouldn't.
If they don't want to take her out at this time of the year then why should they? (I don't, I hate the cold)
If my DGC fell asleep on me and they'd wake if I put them down, I cuddled them for the time - so shoot me. And they don't always sleep when you want them to.

I do tell the parents how the day has been and what's gone on, but two days playing indoors with toys isn't the end of the world.

You are too demanding.

Fairenuff · 15/02/2018 23:17

OP if they said they were fed up with the complaints so they are not going to look after her any more, what would you do. I mean, seriously, what would you actually do?

norfolkenclue · 15/02/2018 23:19

You sound very ungrateful and demanding. And more than a little precious 🙄 Seriously...pick your battles!

JustAnIdiot · 15/02/2018 23:24

It would annoy me too.

When DD was little my mum used to sneak her bits & bobs before meals when I wasn't looking, despite going on & on about eating between meals spoiling the appetite when I was looking Hmm

She did it less with DS but still a bit.

Annoying to feel undermined, isn't it?

Altwoo · 15/02/2018 23:24

It’s because that generation were less ‘child-led’ and didn’t need an overview of how their children were cared for. And I’m guessing their children survived, too.

Besides - you know they’re at home all day, so they’re giving you some sort of update!

FleurDeLizzie · 15/02/2018 23:25

then add GPs being shitty

Taking on 16 hours a week childcare. That's being shitty. OK.

FluffyPineapple · 15/02/2018 23:27

Do your in-laws a favour and pay for a childminder instead!

TwentySmackeroos · 15/02/2018 23:32

Flowers on the upcoming surgery.

If it is imminent, now is not the time to change your arrangements, I think. I hope your DD recovers well. Wouldn't she be better in the 2-1 ratio of her GPs caring for her, than with a minder five days? If the minder has other children to mind, will she be willing and able to take your DD when she is recovering - e.g. changing dressings, taking her to appointments if you can't get off work?

I think building up to a change in September is the way to go, and (I'm not saying you are not doing this) think about how you would cope IF your childminder said, sorry I can't take her for the 1/2/3 weeks after her operation. Keep an open mind and be diplomatic.

hollowtree · 15/02/2018 23:42

we've asked them to keep DD away from the dog.

I used to be a dog walker and dog trainer. If you keep the dog away from the baby it will become jealous. The dog is your in-laws baby and is more likely to be a danger to your child if you alienate it from its own family. Most family dogs love babies and children and see them as their own, unless you deliberately get in the way of this.

If your partner brought a friend over several times a week and wouldn't let you near her and ignored you while she was around, would you like her?

Most cases of children being hurt by family pets have been caused by being neglected as soon as the children arrive so YABU to do this

lonelymelissa · 15/02/2018 23:48

When my children were little I always trusted either set of parents to look after them in the way they wished. After all they did a good job with my husband and I. I knew they might do things I might not, but there was never anything major enough to make an issue of. I always knew the children would be fed and watered, loved, stimulated and most important happy and had a great time.

Now I look after my grandson my daughter and son in law trust me to do as I wish. I generally tell then what he has eaten that day, so they know what to feed him for dinner, and might tell them anything particular he has said or done. I am sure there are probably things I do that they might not do, but nothing dangerous or neglectful - and yes he gets chocolate that he might not have at home. But they know I'm going to spoil him a little and accept that. It all works fine. He's always happy to come here and they know he'll be safe and loved in my care.

Sorry things are not so easy for you, OP.

Megs4x3 · 15/02/2018 23:58

Grandparents are not the same as professional child care providers. Ideally they will have a similar parenting style to you, but most expect to be able to indulge grandchildren somewhat. If you want to treat the people who look after your DC as employees you need to pay them. Otherwise, cut the grandparents a little slack and pick your battles.

sarararararah · 16/02/2018 00:03

My DD (now aged 9) used to go to PIL a couple of days a week from when she was 6 months until she went to school. They used to do many things we didn’t like or wouldn’t have done if we were looking after her including letting her nap on them, feeding her too much chocolate and other things that I honestly can’t remember now. We decided not to stress about it in the name of family harmony. Yes, sometimes we got back a tired and crotchety DD. But do you know what? I’m so glad we just let it go. DD and PIL have the most wonderful, loving relationship that stems from those days they spent together when she was tiny. It didn’t really matter. It felt like it did at the time. But in the grand scheme of things, the relationships matter more.
And re the hip spica. Our DS had a hip spica at 2. For different reasons to your DD (he broke his femur). It’s very manageable and he adapted to it brilliantly. Nappies were a bit tricky to manage and it was heavy so hard lifting him but it really didn’t bother him at all. The hospital were brilliant with providing a buggy we could still get him in and telling us which car seat to get so he could still get into it but it really was ok. I hope that eases some of your worry.

Lashalicious · 16/02/2018 00:32

Zaph, is your OH’s lab a mix?

FleurDeLizzie · 16/02/2018 02:02

Your dd is only a little baby but has such a busy life, home at the weekends then sent to three different carers during the week. Is it really so bad for her to chill a couple of days?

This is such an important observation. At 10 months a baby's world really doesn't need to be all that big. Warmth and comfort and gentle interaction with their parents and grandparents is priceless.
(Or other loving relatives, aunts, uncles, cousins. .)

Being taken out to the park in the freezing midwinter by an unfamiliar childminder (bearing in mind that the child has only been alive for 10 short months so a childminder is an unfamiliar) does not compare with sitting on granddad's lap watching CBeebies and then falling asleep on granny's tum. I'd think that's fecking brilliant! That my baby was so happy and relaxed with his/her grandparents that they could suck a chocolate button and fall asleep on granny and have such lovely warm memories of when they were little and visiting granny. (Not Repeat NOT! that granny was simply being used for free childcare)

I absolutely agree with the pp I've quoted.
I myself was a sahm with my 3 children. I couldn't have my parents care for my kids because they were 200 miles away, elderly, and infirm well before my chidren were born. My father died when my daughter was 10 months old and my mother soon after.

I would give away the final 5 years of my life for my children to have had 5 years with their grandparents spoiling them. Giving them the odd chocolate button and loads of love besides. But as luck would have it, mine lacked any grandparental input at all. And that was very sad for me as their mother.

OP. You are so very lucky that your children's gps are young enough that they might be in your kids lives for a very long time. Celebrate that and, yes, be grateful for it. Not everybody gets as lucky as you are, and they are, and as your dd is.

And it does sound like, at 10 months, with 4 different carers during the week, she is being knocked from pillar to post.
I think her couple of days chill out with granny is a very GOOD thing.

FleurDeLizzie · 16/02/2018 02:10

Yes, any child who has chocolate as a baby is doomed to never have a healthy diet

but it's so troooooo!

My baby was given a chocolate button at 4 months old by my idiot friend, and now she's 32 and 20 stones!

Actually, she's not. She's an eight stone vegetarian.

Apparently, it seems the chocolate button did no lasting harm.

FleurDeLizzie · 16/02/2018 02:21

I'd suggest sitting it out until September

If I was a grandparent looking after my grandchild, and I was made aware that my services were under par and under scrutiny, and that the parents were just sitting it out until they could find someone better than me, I'd tell them to fuck the fuck off right now.
If it was that bad you'd withdraw your child immediately.

There isn't a childminder in the world that will love your kids more that their grandparents will.

lovelystar · 16/02/2018 02:27

There is nothing I would question if it meant I got 2 full days free childcare from my PIL! Ne and my partner both turned out fine so I trust them. I guess people have different amounts of gratefulness/tolerance for things though I guess. Those 2 days would improve life and oppurtunities for me no end so I would I would struggle to get annoyed at anything really. You're lucky you have the luxury to a) be able to afford child minder and b) have parents who WANT to and will help out. I have neither so am struggling to sympathise, sorry OP x

FleurDeLizzie · 16/02/2018 03:44

Some people just don't realise how bloody lucky they are.