Is what I'm asking so bad?!

[Kat160417]

Sorry but this is such a long post!!

So I had to return to work full time when DD was 6 months as I couldn't afford to be off any longer. We are lucky and have family that help with child care 3 days a week and a child minder for 2 days.

DD is now 10 months. Child minder is absolutely fab, no complaints, same with my parents but my in laws are driving me crazy!!

They have DD 2 days a week. Some days they keep her inside all day even if the weather is really nice (I know it's still cold atm but just wrap up?) And just let her watch telly all day. She only ever sleeps for "about 10 mins all day" if that was the case she would be screaming the house down wouldn't She? Considering everyone else that has her tells us she has a good nap on a morning and afternoon. If they do take her out, we are never told and it's as if we have asked something completely bizarre if we do ask what she's done through the day.

We asked everyone who watches her to not give DD any chocolate. We've given her little bits before but she's only 10 months old and doesn't know what it is so she's not missing out if she doesn't have any! Turns out the in laws have been giving her chocolate! I was so upset and angry mainly because they are going against what myself and DP have asked! When we have confronted them about giving it to her, they have argued back and said it won't do her any harm. We know that it won't but to me it shows they have no respect for us as parents.

They have an old Labrador who is as soft as anything and never bothers with anyone. DD was rolling about the floor and went to the dog and touched her face. DP mother found it so funny. Why would you let a baby touch a dog's face when you don't have hold of the dog or baby?! Even if the dog is as soft as shit I don't want to take that risk. You hear so many horror stories and I don't want DD being one of them. Of course the in laws again think we are being crazy because we've asked them to keep DD away from the dog.

When DD is with the child minder we obviously get told what she's ate and done through the day. I know that's her job but it's so fab that we get that and it's the same when she's with my parents. So all I'm asking is for my in laws to say how DD has been and what they have done through the day with her - is that such a hard thing for them to do?!?! DD has so much going on atm - she has hip dysplasia and has to have hip surgery in the summer and will be put in a hip spica cast. She's keeps getting unwell with bronchiolitis and has been referred to ENT for an issue with her throat. I know she doesn't know about this but I do and I'm so so stressed with it all and now I'm stressing about when she's with them because they never tell us anything and then think we're being funny when we ask them too!!

There is a part of me that needs to calm down with my control over the situation but she's my first child and as I've said above she hasn't had the easiest time. I'm haven't chosen to return to work full time it's because unfortunately I have to! I'm much prefer to be spending the days with my DD (I know a lot of parents are in the same boat as me).

Thanks to anyone that has read this mega long post! But I'm just so stressed and wondering if I'm just being completely crazy!!

YANBU
They asked to have your DD. Any decent person looking after a child whether a relative or not follows the parents rules. Anything less is extremely disrespectful.
My dm gave my DD her first chocolate despite me repeatedly telling her not to. ( 1yo ) I was furious. She'd never had sweets/biscuits/chocolate etc so no she didn't miss,it need it,want it, ffs!

DM was not allowed to baby sit again as I knew she fill DD with sweets & sugary drinks etc and think it perfectly fine.

Damnthatoneistaken - My head not at all up my butt. I had to do the very old style thing and cut my cloth according to my means. I was a single parent with several DCs, the only way I could work at all was to fit work round school and nursery times. I was not easy. I was always in a rush trying to get things done. My DCs were clothed and fed well.
OP is saying she financially needed to go back to work but we do not know what she is financing. It could be luxury items or basics but no-one should be expecting free child care and complain the entire time.
This is the choice work and maybe have more money or stay at home with probably little money or try to find a middle of those options.
I do know what it is like to juggle life. Don't assume that I have always lived a gold plated life.

Bearing in mind their age,perhaps they are not up to going out in the cold every day?

They are in their 50s! They could well have school age kids of their own. Now maybe they are not up to going out, but if so it isn't dues to age. In any case they are free to simply choose not to go out.

Stillme1, jesus wept,! Op has clearly said she cant afford to stay home. What a goady, obnoxious , sheltered post to assume everyone can just give up 'wants' and stay home. Get your head out your butt

She has said she can't afford to stay home, but if it weren't for the mere chance that she has free childcare available three days a week it would be more realistic to say she cannot afford to go back to work. Most people don't have the option to say that they cannot afford to stay at home unless they can pay for all childcare. OP presumably did not have this baby on the basis that free childcare was a given as it could change at any time.

OP I think it is very reasonable to be unhappy with the childcare they are providing, especially with all the other worries you have about your dd. But ultimately you can't demand that free family carers do things differently...some would listen to you but as you say clearly for whatever reason things are not going to change with your ILs. So you have to ask yourself if you think dd is safe and ok. If not, change things now even if you cannot use the same childminder. If you so think she is ok there, you have the choice to either get used to it and perhaps keep trying to encourage little changes, or to just put up with it till September.

Everyone saying that just because it's free child care that we don't have a say. Yes we do because she's our DD. Yes she's with grand parents that are helping us but it's also so they can see their grand daughter

Kat.... It's not that people are saying you shouldn't have a say. It's that they are saying, what can you possibly do about this?

Unfortunately when you get something for free from someone you don't get much say in the detail about it. Often the only say you get is to decide whether overall you want the free thing.

For example if I got to a restaurant I get to choose the exact dish I want and make requests about how I'd like it cooking/serving if I so wish. If I was invited to dinner at a friend's house and tried to tell them exactly what I wanted, how I wanted it serving, etc they would be well within their rights to tell me to stick it.

You may not have many (palatable) choices here but they are still choices. You could get your DD into a different childminder, you could get her into a nursery, you could ask your parents to have her more, you or your DH could give up work and stay at home with her. There are upsides and downsides to all those options. One of the upsides (for many of them) is that you get complete control over what happens to your DD. One of the downsides is that it may bankrupt you. With your ILs offering childcare the reverse is true: the upside is you won't be bankrupt, the downside is that you have a lot less control. In an ideal world there would be an option where you got to have full control and weren't bankrupted but (unless your DPs can have her more) there isn't. There isn't an ideal option for most people.

So you need to pick which of the non-ideal options works for you. Either accept the free childcare and accept you have limited control, or accept you are going to be impoverished but will have more control. Your choice.

You've asked the ILs to do things the way you would like them. They've made it clear that on certain issues that is not going to happen. What you do next is up to you and your DH.

IMHO nothing your ILs are doing is that bad. Not ideal perhaps, but (apart from the thing with the dog) not likely to cuase her any real harm. And I promise you, as she gets older and goes to nursery, pre-school, school, friend's houses you will find you have less and less control over what happens when she is not with you. The people caring for her will make choices that are nothing like what you would choose. But she will be OK.

Maybe you need to think about which (one) request that you make of your ILs is the most important to you and ask that they agree to that one and drop the rest. Please bear in mind that these people are experienced in raising children - MUCH more experienced than you are. They raised your DH (how did he turn out?) and they love your DD - they aren't going to cause her any harm. And you keep going on at them to change x, y and z probably makes them feel like you don't trust them and are constantly on their backs.

One way or another you need to let this go. Either make the choice to sacrifice something else and book other childcare, or make the choice to accept this free childcare and get off their backs. Being on their backs isn't working anyway.

Finally, please stop pointing out that your ILs get to see your DD too out of this arrangement. I'm sure you don't mean it to come over the way it does but it comes across as ungrateful. They are her grandparents. They would see her whether they provided childcare or not. If you (or your DH) gave up work and looked after DD they would still see her.

You must be worried sick about the upcoming surgery add to that working full-time with a baby then add GPs being shitty.
You've every right to be angry fed up and pissed off as far as I'm concerned and l don't even know you.
Family members not understanding this are fuck wits. Really.
If she is given chocolate sweets etc by September it's over for you to want a healthy diet.
Good luck. Get your dh to sort them out!

So you want your DD taken out every day, no tv, no chocolate, not around the dog, and not sleeping on gran for the nap you very much want her to have. And to report back on whatever they've done with her. For 2 full days every week? And they're being unreasonable?

She's 10 months old, aasuming she isn't being sat in a buggy in front of tv 8 hours a day, being fed dairy milk for all meals and being babysat by the dog, she'll probably be fine.

I'd love my children to have grandparents who would spoil them a bit, much less provide me with free childcare. You can't expect them to behave like paid childminders, the odd chocolate button won't hurt her, a day of Peppa Pig will mean you can do lots of lovely interactive, character forming activities on the two days you spend with her without her being over tired and over stimulated. If you're that unhappy, move her to formal childcare otherwise accept with some degree of grace your in-laws being prepared to commit to your family to the tune of 16 unpaid hours per week for the next however long.

You may find that even a childminder will give your dd chocolate if others in her charge, or her own children gets it. Maybe not at 10 months but certainly when she is slightly older and can ask or gesticulate for it.
As a pp says, you will lose control all the time as they get older unless you have them 24/7.

I have adult dc and so may well be providing childcare in the not too distant future. My thoughts are that I brought them up pretty well and so whilst I would definitely not ignore their wishes regarding their children at the same time I wouldn't be happy to have them dictate to me what I should do whilst caring for their children.
So if giving them the odd biscuit or taste of chocolate or choosing to spend the day at home rather than providing constant entertainment out of the house was a heinous idea to either my dc or their partners than the truth is they need to fund childcare where they get to dictate the terms instead of the free love and care I would be offering.
I would hope that my dc would appreciate my help and overlook Granny's lax approach whilst remembering I did the same with them and they thrived regardless.

We have asked them to not let DD sleep on them but there has been numerous times when DP has been to pick her up after 5pm and she's been asleep on MIL!!

Gosh. What utter bastards. All that unconditional love and comfort.

I'm not keen to provide regular childcare for my GC if/when they arrive either and would certainly resent too many instructions as to what I can or can't do with them in "my time" that I am giving up as a favour. If easy to implement or there is an obvious sensible basis then yes, but I'm not happy to put myself out for Imo "silly rules". I'm not saying your wishes are silly op, just that in your pils head they could be. May be pick your battles and let some things go.

Children are not stupid. They know there are, and can adapt to, different rules in different places.

OP you do seem to be getting a rough tide from everyone. Yes GP spoil children but it can't happen all the time. I think they should be telling you if anything happens out of little ones routine, but it seems they don't have one. Yes they should listen to your wants and wishes it's as simple as that. I am sort your CHild minder can't have her till September. They are clearly very loving to her, but I think if they are having her with such frequency they should stick by the rules rather than bombing her with spoiling all the time. Is there any alternative child care available to you until September? Daycare? Friend? Other family member?
I know you're worried. You aren't being unreasonable, very cautious but not unreasonable.

Its a balance. Either it matters enough for you to find the extra cash, or it doesn't.t

The chocolate thing would piss me off, but the rest you'll just have to let go and count yourself lucky you are not paying to put her in childcare.

And I say that as someone's whose mil cleaned my baby's bum with Flash wipes

The nap thing would really annoy me as that can cause problems for you at night and other days of the week. They should stick to her normal schedule definitely.

If I were you I would try to change things up so she was only with them for one day as that would have less impact on her overall. Shame your childminder can't have her one more day from now.

Op it would annoy me too and I don't think it's right to say that because it's free they can do whatever they want! Within reason yes but they are not doing her any favours mucking up nap times and feeding her chocolate and keeping her cooped up all day!!

And I say that as someone whose mil cleaned my baby's bum with Flash wipes Ouch!

'Family members not understanding this are fuck wits. Really.
If she is given chocolate sweets etc by September it's over for you to want a healthy diet.
Good luck. Get your dh to sort them out!'

Yeah, get your DH to 'sort them out' so they can do the fuckwit thing of telling you both to sling your hooks and pay for it if you want to dictate what they do for 2 days a week .

Yes, any child who has chocolate as a baby is doomed to never have a healthy diet.

I would tell you to get knotted if you ordered me to go out 2 days/week and just 'wrap up'. I don't like going out when it's cold, don't really give a shit if the weather is 'nice'. Do childminders routinely take all their charges out daily? For walks? Sounds like the services of a dog walker might be required.

The mistake you made was posting about gp providing childcare on mn. Posters here are super weird about it and will have started reading already thinking you were be unreasonable even to ask. My DM has my kids a day a week and loves it, just like my granny had us for her and l will offer free childcare to my kids.

I wouldn't be happy with what they're providing. Kids need time outside all year round and it sounds like there's a general lack of respect for your decisions coupled with poor communication. I'd suggest sitting it out until September (they'll prob be out more when the weather improves anyway) then upping days with the childminder. You'll get some free hours in a couple of years but this arrangement will have trashed your relationship with your pils by then if you carry on.

If a 10 month old doesn't go outside for a day or two it's not the end of the world. A toddler needs to run around. A 10 month old baby not so much, especially if they have a busy social life the other 5 days.

Why do people who can't afford children have them.

I totally agree with Myheartbelongsto actually.

Nothing wrong with asking what they’ve been up to etc, and nothing wrong with asking them not to give chocolate etc.

But YABU to be so upset when they choose to do what they want. They raised your DH, and he turned out well enough for you to want to have a child with him.

Relax about it or keep pestering them and watch as they tell you they won’t do it any more.

All I want is the best for my DD

You'll find 'the best' always costs money.

We had family members looking after DS and they very similar things. Difference is we were paying them, so I just switched to a nursery instead.

You pay your money (or not) and take your choice. It's not the end of the world that your DD isn't taken out on two out of seven days and what she may lose from not doing so, she gains from being cared for by people who obviously love her.

It's your choice if that's not good enough - you can't dictate how they care for her, providing she is in a safe and loving environment. So the alternative is to pay for childcare and if you can't wait until September perhaps you need to check out other nurseries/childminders.

Time to get some professional
childcare