Is what I'm asking so bad?!

[Kat160417]

Sorry but this is such a long post!!

So I had to return to work full time when DD was 6 months as I couldn't afford to be off any longer. We are lucky and have family that help with child care 3 days a week and a child minder for 2 days.

DD is now 10 months. Child minder is absolutely fab, no complaints, same with my parents but my in laws are driving me crazy!!

They have DD 2 days a week. Some days they keep her inside all day even if the weather is really nice (I know it's still cold atm but just wrap up?) And just let her watch telly all day. She only ever sleeps for "about 10 mins all day" if that was the case she would be screaming the house down wouldn't She? Considering everyone else that has her tells us she has a good nap on a morning and afternoon. If they do take her out, we are never told and it's as if we have asked something completely bizarre if we do ask what she's done through the day.

We asked everyone who watches her to not give DD any chocolate. We've given her little bits before but she's only 10 months old and doesn't know what it is so she's not missing out if she doesn't have any! Turns out the in laws have been giving her chocolate! I was so upset and angry mainly because they are going against what myself and DP have asked! When we have confronted them about giving it to her, they have argued back and said it won't do her any harm. We know that it won't but to me it shows they have no respect for us as parents.

They have an old Labrador who is as soft as anything and never bothers with anyone. DD was rolling about the floor and went to the dog and touched her face. DP mother found it so funny. Why would you let a baby touch a dog's face when you don't have hold of the dog or baby?! Even if the dog is as soft as shit I don't want to take that risk. You hear so many horror stories and I don't want DD being one of them. Of course the in laws again think we are being crazy because we've asked them to keep DD away from the dog.

When DD is with the child minder we obviously get told what she's ate and done through the day. I know that's her job but it's so fab that we get that and it's the same when she's with my parents. So all I'm asking is for my in laws to say how DD has been and what they have done through the day with her - is that such a hard thing for them to do?!?! DD has so much going on atm - she has hip dysplasia and has to have hip surgery in the summer and will be put in a hip spica cast. She's keeps getting unwell with bronchiolitis and has been referred to ENT for an issue with her throat. I know she doesn't know about this but I do and I'm so so stressed with it all and now I'm stressing about when she's with them because they never tell us anything and then think we're being funny when we ask them too!!

There is a part of me that needs to calm down with my control over the situation but she's my first child and as I've said above she hasn't had the easiest time. I'm haven't chosen to return to work full time it's because unfortunately I have to! I'm much prefer to be spending the days with my DD (I know a lot of parents are in the same boat as me).

Thanks to anyone that has read this mega long post! But I'm just so stressed and wondering if I'm just being completely crazy!!

I wouldn’t feel grateful if they were putting my DC at risk with a dog.

A few of you do not understand that when you bring a dc into a home where the fog has lived all its life and then ostracise the dog because the dc is there then you are asking for trouble! Dogs get jealous, ANY BREED or SIZE. A dog has to be introduced and socialised with child and always supervised no matter WHAT BREED or SIZE. A dog us part of the family abf should not in anyway be treated in a different way because the dc is there! In fact the dc should be trained to respect the dog and be taught in his to treat dog, what not to do etc. But apart from that it is always grandparents who spoil their dgc. Gosh! If my dgc did not get treats or something special when they come round they would be devastated!
Also when they come to mine its my rules and my house. If you as a parent don't like that then don't bring them! If no special dietary needs then no reason NOT to give a treat.
If I was your mil I'd tell you to look after your own kid if you critisised me over such minor details.

I find it amusing that people are advising OP to use a childminder, as you can call the shots with them. Why on earth would you believe that a childminder - with goodness knows how many other charges - will bow to the dictates of their customers. Of course they should do, but there's no reason to think they'd be any more trustworthy than a grandparent - and they're not paid to love them! I don't know what the solution is, OP, but I'd be livid about the chocolate and the dog. The other stuff, IMO, is rather less important. Hope they upcoming appointments and surgery go well. ⚘

Here is a dog whose breed has such a bad reputation, looks highly dangerous dont you think?

I understand dogs very well. It is not respectful or fair to the dog to have babies and toddlers crawling over it or touching it. Especially not when the parents are on edge and the gp cavalier.

Children and pets do need to be socialised but not in a foist them on each other way. I refused to let my friend socialise her dc with my cat. My parents taught us with our pets to be gentle and respectful. They would never let my dc do any different and we all take care to watch them when they interact. Because babies and animals can be unpredictably behaved.

Soft as the dog is, if the gp cant be trusted to keep the baby away from it and is risking the baby screaming or grabbing for the dogs eyes because they are indulgent then who knows how else they are lax? If both op and her dp feel it isnt safe then either the gp respect that or refuse to watch. Not pretend to agree then do it in front of the parents.

@sostenueto get a grip! Anyone who thinks that any breed of dog is 100% reliable or predictable is a bloody idiot.

Looks can be deceiving Sostenueto. Im sure your pup is lovely but my grans cat was a gorgeous eye melter too. Until one day he lashed out and went for my cousins eyes. Because she was sobbing and he disliked it. Never done before but that day he went for her. Gorgeous boy he was and lovely purrer.

Animals are unpredictable like kids. There are many stories of soft animals turning.

I think the threads derailing into defensiveness over dogs and kids. They absoluetely can go together. But that doesnt mean its not something to consider or have as a worry. The op isnt having a pop at the dog. Shes understanding that animals can change and she and her pils son know them well enough not to trust them with the two together. She may be a bit freaked over stories, unsurprising given her other worries

Don't recall saying pets are not unpredictable? What i did say however, was, that pets and dc should be supervised at all times.

And im guessing Sostenueto that you like myself and my parents intergrate pets and babies. Not everyone does that. My friends idea of intergration was to let her baby roll and grab for my boy while she laughed indulgently and too pictures. That is not how we were taught and is fast tracking her dc to bloody scratches or nips.

A couple of posts before previous one I stated above.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Hrtft

When my DD is looked after by my DM she texts me every so often to let me know how she is without me asking, and occasionally sends pictures if they're doing something nice and I really appreciate it. Whereas my PIL will not utter a word and think we're ridiculous if we ask how she is, one time when we left her with my PIL to go for a meal round the corner when she was younger she cried and cried the whole time we were gone and was absolutely unconsolable and they didn't contact us to come back at all as they are of their mindset that they've had lots of children so know what to do. But the issue is my DD is not their DD, so if they can't console her then I'd rather be contacted and come back early from my meal than know she's been left to cry for the past 2 full hours.

We were also cruel nasty parents for not wanting to give our DD any chocolate before she was 1 as they were doing it when their DC were 3 months old etc etc..

There is a lot more that they have done that has made me uncomfortable and so I just didn't leave DD there anymore for a while. I am a SAHP anyway so when they looked after her it was always at their request. Now that she's older and I'm a bit more relaxed with her I've started letting them take her for a few hours again but if I'm honest I still don't have full trust in them. I know they will look after her fine, I just also know that they will never listen to us or follow our wishes.

Unfortunately I think you'll have to look for alternative childcare until she's a bit bigger, can your parents have her more? Or you'll have to get another childminder as they will never ever listen to you and it will only stress you out and upset you, like it did with me.

White walkers wife yes of course I did! I remember my old dog was a year old when first dgc was born. I asked for one of the dcs dirty babygrow and gave it to the fog to have a good sniff at before dc was bought into the house. He never left my dgds side from that moment on. He guarded her when we went on walks with the pram showing concern for her if she cried and generally loved her because she was introduced slowly and properly. Each dgc was introduced in exactly the same way. But for all Hus gentleness and love I never left him in a room alone with the children unsupervised. I am not stupid I know instinct can kick in.

If I was your mil I'd tell you to look after your own kid if you critisised me over such minor details.

But the dog, which your post is mostly about, isnt a minor detail for the op. And while you do the respect and intergrating the op/her dp dont see the pil doing that. So its comparing apples with eggs on tgat front.

The other stuff...minor yes. But the op and her dp are worried for a reason and the pil lax attitude isnt confidance inspiring.so if you were the pil, youd be treating your pets and kids a whole lot different.

Have you considered having the grandparents OfSted inspected?

Thats my point though Sostenueto. In regards to the dog you are posting as if the pil are you. But they arent! They arent doing those things. They are stupid enough to let the baby close enough to upset or freak the dog when parents are there. So when they arent then who knows what happens.

My parents did similar but it was onsie not grow and we did the same for my dc. These pil arent doing that. They are very lax so its totally different

You're joking??? I've had BUGGER all help from my husband, parents or in laws in nearly 9 years. Stop being so ungrateful for pay for a bloody childminder. People like you don't know how lucky you are

Yes is disintegrated a bit so won't mention dog anymore. I understand worry of op, understand need to work but 5 full days a week? I think when you have a child you must consider the child. Surely giving up one day a week work won't be that detrimental to finances? Surely you could make a few cuts? One less bottle of wine, one less meal out, one less pair of shoes, one less of something? I know its hard these days, but it is all relative. I was prepared to go without many things just to make sure I was there for my dc. I did not rely on state but could juggle finances very well on a very low income. Dc grow up so quick and lots if memorable things can be missed while beavering away for money
Old fashioned but true IMO.

Her job may not allow for that. Not all can and will be flexible and it could be that she enjoys her job. Her dp could look into shortening his or they could both just find childcare that suits them.

Though nursery may work better op if you want handovers and more control.

Horsescourses

Isnt there free 40 hours childcare for everyone now?

Sorry 30 hours

Thats getting into a whole other working parent part time vs full time vs stahp. Op will do whats best for her family as will her dp and whats best for one person isnt for another.

My friend was desperate to be a sahp at first and heard lots of 'whats best for child' when she went full time. What they didnt know was how much her mental health, her anxiety and ocd suffered at home. Part time wasnt an option.

Thats from 3 years old and only just implemented now in some places

Only real issue is touching the dogs face to be honest.

My grandparents had my oldest son when I went back to work, and now he's at school they do the school runs and keep eldest after school as well as have my youngest three days a week. I have no idea what they do all day, I ask how he's been when I pick him up but I'm sure they'd tell me if they went anywhere of interest, and if they choose to stay in with him then fine.

I don't like my two having sweets or chocolate but I know my grandma lets then have a piece from her chocolate box after tea, would I rather she didn't? Of course, but I know she's doing me a favour, and it's honestly easier to just reduce what I give them.

Just pay, stop whinging about the cost, did you not find out before ttc how much it would cost?

I was sympathetic until you posted that OP!