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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is what I'm asking so bad?!

261 replies

Kat160417 · 15/02/2018 09:29

Sorry but this is such a long post!!

So I had to return to work full time when DD was 6 months as I couldn't afford to be off any longer. We are lucky and have family that help with child care 3 days a week and a child minder for 2 days.

DD is now 10 months. Child minder is absolutely fab, no complaints, same with my parents but my in laws are driving me crazy!!

They have DD 2 days a week. Some days they keep her inside all day even if the weather is really nice (I know it's still cold atm but just wrap up?) And just let her watch telly all day. She only ever sleeps for "about 10 mins all day" if that was the case she would be screaming the house down wouldn't She? Considering everyone else that has her tells us she has a good nap on a morning and afternoon. If they do take her out, we are never told and it's as if we have asked something completely bizarre if we do ask what she's done through the day.

We asked everyone who watches her to not give DD any chocolate. We've given her little bits before but she's only 10 months old and doesn't know what it is so she's not missing out if she doesn't have any! Turns out the in laws have been giving her chocolate! I was so upset and angry mainly because they are going against what myself and DP have asked! When we have confronted them about giving it to her, they have argued back and said it won't do her any harm. We know that it won't but to me it shows they have no respect for us as parents.

They have an old Labrador who is as soft as anything and never bothers with anyone. DD was rolling about the floor and went to the dog and touched her face. DP mother found it so funny. Why would you let a baby touch a dog's face when you don't have hold of the dog or baby?! Even if the dog is as soft as shit I don't want to take that risk. You hear so many horror stories and I don't want DD being one of them. Of course the in laws again think we are being crazy because we've asked them to keep DD away from the dog.

When DD is with the child minder we obviously get told what she's ate and done through the day. I know that's her job but it's so fab that we get that and it's the same when she's with my parents. So all I'm asking is for my in laws to say how DD has been and what they have done through the day with her - is that such a hard thing for them to do?!?! DD has so much going on atm - she has hip dysplasia and has to have hip surgery in the summer and will be put in a hip spica cast. She's keeps getting unwell with bronchiolitis and has been referred to ENT for an issue with her throat. I know she doesn't know about this but I do and I'm so so stressed with it all and now I'm stressing about when she's with them because they never tell us anything and then think we're being funny when we ask them too!!

There is a part of me that needs to calm down with my control over the situation but she's my first child and as I've said above she hasn't had the easiest time. I'm haven't chosen to return to work full time it's because unfortunately I have to! I'm much prefer to be spending the days with my DD (I know a lot of parents are in the same boat as me).

Thanks to anyone that has read this mega long post! But I'm just so stressed and wondering if I'm just being completely crazy!!

OP posts:
mydietstartsmonday · 15/02/2018 17:15

You need to pick your battles.
Your child is loved, warm and cared for. She is in a loving home with the TV on. They are part of her family and are doing what they think is best. She is only 10 months old.

The falling asleep on them - do you object due to a medical reason? It seems a bizarre thing to insist on. Surely it is comforting for the baby to be next to a human being.

You have too many rules, decide which are the most important and ask them to stick to those. The dog for me would be an issue & I love dogs but the rest I can let it go.

Oly5 · 15/02/2018 17:24

If you don’t want opinions why are you posting on here?
I think you’re being ridiculous.. napping on a beloved grandparent sounds lovely for your dd and your mil.
Telly won’t harm your daughter.
If you want to lay down all these rules then everyone is right - pay for your childcare.

HorsesCourses · 15/02/2018 17:26

If you want a professional job, pay a professional.
Yes the grandparents should do as you ask about chocolate. No I would not be happy about the dog, however soft it is. Two days at home pottering about watching a TV isn't great- but it's not a disaster either. But if it's not what you want, find another way- childminders and nurseries do a better job because they are trained and put more effort in because they are being paid!

user1487194234 · 15/02/2018 17:30

I think essentially YABU for the reasons put forward by PP,free childcare
However the dog thing would freak me out nd I would get DH to speak to them
It sounds a if you would have liked to go part time,am not going to insult you by asking if there is no way you can make that work,but if you could maybe acknowledge(even to yourself ) that that is part of the issue.
I would have hated to go back full time

MumsGoneToYonderLand · 15/02/2018 17:37

OP going against the majority i think what you are saying is reasonable. There are some lines they shouldn't cross, such as giving her chocolate and junk if you have said no. Its not 'an occasional treat' as others have said if she is there 2 days a week. however if you take her away completely you may risk falling out with inlaws.
Totally agree they shouldn't have tv on all day. thats just what my PIL and parents would do and why i didn't consider them for child care.
but I think you should persevere until september - unless your own parents can have her 2 days a week instead of 1? the other thing you could do is organise regular activities (sing along, baby massage, swimming etc) on the PIL days so they have to take her out. It also may be worth keeping PIL for 1 day a week as its also great for your daughter to have a good bond with grandparents.

sorry if some of this is what other posts have said: I didn't read them all.

HorsesCourses · 15/02/2018 17:42

Nobody is saying you shouldn't give a shit because the childcare is free.
You are saying you are dissatisfied.
You are saying you are stressed.
You are saying they won't change.
Most posters are saying it's because you DO give a shit, that you must place her somewhere else.

isadoradancing123 · 15/02/2018 17:48

I would worry about the dog as it's not fair on the dog to have a baby pulling at him and blaming him if he snaps so I think they are very wrong there. She doesn't need to be taken out, what does a 10 month old do? Plays with toys, crawls around, interacts with grandparents, gets read to, played with, bit of TVs, prob the usual?..

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 15/02/2018 17:59

OP in the kindest possible way, you are confusing your child's grandparents with professional childcare. The child minder gives you a run down of the day/daily diary because that's best practice, a nursery would do the same. But your in laws aren't going to do that. It's the same with outdoor play, it's a requirement in the EYFS that this happens not because your child minder is nice. But again, your in laws aren't bound by these things.

To be honest, our setting isnt out every day either...our outside area is like a wind tunnel and the children hate it. We have to make a judgement call.

However, the chocolate is not good because they should be listening to you.

WhooooAmI24601 · 15/02/2018 18:05

Mil used to have DS2 when he was tiny one day a week. He went to nursery the other 2 days I worked. MIL's care, boundaries and general rules about raising DCs jars slightly with mine. I learned to smile and let it all go when she had him, because one day a week wasn't going to ruin his life if she did things differently.

It's hard when In-laws provide support because you're absolutely forbidden from criticising them or expecting them to do things your way; it's one of those unspoken rules nobody tells you about til it's a bit too late.

DreamyMcDreamy · 15/02/2018 18:07

The not going out and watching telly - I wouldn't get too worked up over that one. I mean, they're looking after your child (presumably for free or cheaper than childcare? ) It's not ideal, but if they're looking after him, you don't really get to say what activities are acceptable for him to do.
The chocolate thing would piss me RIGHT off though, so I'm with you on that one. It''s not the giving of it, it's the blatant disregard for your parenting and decisions and undermining you/going over it which does cause problems when they get older!
The dog, no I wouldn't like that either but you know they have a dog and sent him there, if they were with him in the same room they were him. and watching him.

Lashalicious · 15/02/2018 18:37

I can understand how you feel when it’s your first child. No one was more cautious and precious about it than I was so I can relate. But, I don’t think they are doing anything really wrong, not enough to get so upset about it. A little chocolate is not going to hurt, and your baby not having a full schedule of events like going out to the park etc is not at all necessary right now, she’s 10 months old!!! No need for early music lessons and educational play dates around the clock. Let her relax with grandma and grandpa, cuddled up with them with the tv on a nice baby appropriate cartoon will be just as beneficial to your dd than anything else right now. Why create problems where there are none? It’s two days a week. And the dog, a lab is practically the best kind of dog to be around babies. Gentle and smart. Any dog will bite if provoked but labs are known for being gentle and smart enough to not attack babies and children. I too would have major concerns about a dog about my baby. If you are very concerned about the dog, talk to them about that, choose your battles and choose the one about the dog. I’m not sure what kind of rules or boundaries you want with the dog, but make it clear to your in laws what you expect them to do about supervising the dog around your dd. More likely to listen to you if you bring up this one issue instead of a bunch of other not as important issues.

Also, you may believe that you have to work full time but take another look and see if it’s possible to go part time. We gave up a lot so that I could be with my ds and I don’t regret a single second of it. There are a lot of ways you could figure out something, I could give you some ideas if you want. Good luck and I hope that you and your mil can come to an understanding.

bebees · 15/02/2018 18:49

You are very lucky to get that 2 days a week of free child care. You cannot expect them to act as you would for paid child care ie scheduled activities and outdoor stuff. As long as the child is safe with them then a couple of lazy days are hardly bad - she probably rather enjoys them!!

MuseumOfCurry · 15/02/2018 18:52

We have asked them to not let DD sleep on them but there has been numerous times when DP has been to pick her up after 5pm and she's been asleep on MIL!!

I don't know quite what to say. Are you trying to suck any joy out of this arrangement for your MIL?

dadshere · 15/02/2018 19:12

They will not change, and I 100% agree with you about the dog- no matter how well behaved a dog, they must never be allowed this kind of contact with an infant. Your only option is to use the childminder and tell them thank-you, but it was not working out. Look back in time from a future where the dog has bitten your child, and you saw it as a possibility but did nothing. ZAP! You are back now and have the power to fix it. Think of your child first.

dadshere · 15/02/2018 19:14

Lashalicious, Labs carry out more attacks/bites than any other dog in the UK. No dog can be trusted 100% EVER.

PseuDenim · 15/02/2018 19:15

Yes well we have to pay for full time childcare with no family help. Either accept the way they are with her, or go part time, or find the money to pay for the extra two days with the childminder or a Nursery.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/02/2018 20:12

I 100% agree with you about the dog- no matter how well behaved a dog, they must never be allowed this kind of contact with an infant

What utter crap.

Damnthatonestaken · 15/02/2018 20:36

Stillme1 we all cut our cloth by our means. You still seem to think you know better than everyone else about their own situation Hmm
Op didnt ask should i get rid of a car -andBIG assumption that she has 2 by the way. She asked about tv, chocolate and a dog.

Damnthatonestaken · 15/02/2018 20:42

Cant afford to work? Lets eat air then, shall we? HmmConfused

YellowMakesMeSmile · 15/02/2018 20:53

Book alternative childcare, plenty of nurseries or childminders out there or find work at night so you can be home in the day.

Stop dressing it up as you doing MIL a favour when it's entirely the other way round. You do realise you can't dictate to a child minder or nursery though.

The entitled attitude of I want a chid but need free childcare and done exactly how I dictate is purely selfish.

Stillme1 · 15/02/2018 21:09

Damnthatoneistaken - I am not saying or thinking that I know anything better than anyone else. What I am saying is that we all have to make choices within our own range. I have never had a child minder and I have not made comment on any. I said that I made the choice to try to work during the hours DCs were in education. I have not given my views on how wise my choice was in hindsight. If the free care from PILs results in a child having a piece of chocolate etc and that outrages OP so much she has been given choices by posters other than me on what she can do, either pay more for a childminder or work less or ask DM to do more. It is not very nice to moan about something which saves her huge sums of money. Ungrateful

Skarossinkplunger · 15/02/2018 21:15

You sound ungrateful and entitled, if I was them and I read this I’d tell you where the shove your free childcare.

Bluelady · 15/02/2018 21:17

Gold standard, free child care and you're complaining. Your child is getting cuddles and lots of love. How shocking.

Allthewaves · 15/02/2018 21:26

meh chocolate would annoy me but the fact she's with loving grandparents outweighs the negatives in this situation. She's got two people doting on her, much more attention than childminder. Surely all you need to ask is that she had a nice day. Perhaps give mil a couple of local baby or toddler groups she could go to. Or offer to pay for soft play or swimming

bonnielassie1 · 15/02/2018 21:26

What about getting a swing for their garden?