Is what I'm asking so bad?!

[Kat160417]

Sorry but this is such a long post!!

So I had to return to work full time when DD was 6 months as I couldn't afford to be off any longer. We are lucky and have family that help with child care 3 days a week and a child minder for 2 days.

DD is now 10 months. Child minder is absolutely fab, no complaints, same with my parents but my in laws are driving me crazy!!

They have DD 2 days a week. Some days they keep her inside all day even if the weather is really nice (I know it's still cold atm but just wrap up?) And just let her watch telly all day. She only ever sleeps for "about 10 mins all day" if that was the case she would be screaming the house down wouldn't She? Considering everyone else that has her tells us she has a good nap on a morning and afternoon. If they do take her out, we are never told and it's as if we have asked something completely bizarre if we do ask what she's done through the day.

We asked everyone who watches her to not give DD any chocolate. We've given her little bits before but she's only 10 months old and doesn't know what it is so she's not missing out if she doesn't have any! Turns out the in laws have been giving her chocolate! I was so upset and angry mainly because they are going against what myself and DP have asked! When we have confronted them about giving it to her, they have argued back and said it won't do her any harm. We know that it won't but to me it shows they have no respect for us as parents.

They have an old Labrador who is as soft as anything and never bothers with anyone. DD was rolling about the floor and went to the dog and touched her face. DP mother found it so funny. Why would you let a baby touch a dog's face when you don't have hold of the dog or baby?! Even if the dog is as soft as shit I don't want to take that risk. You hear so many horror stories and I don't want DD being one of them. Of course the in laws again think we are being crazy because we've asked them to keep DD away from the dog.

When DD is with the child minder we obviously get told what she's ate and done through the day. I know that's her job but it's so fab that we get that and it's the same when she's with my parents. So all I'm asking is for my in laws to say how DD has been and what they have done through the day with her - is that such a hard thing for them to do?!?! DD has so much going on atm - she has hip dysplasia and has to have hip surgery in the summer and will be put in a hip spica cast. She's keeps getting unwell with bronchiolitis and has been referred to ENT for an issue with her throat. I know she doesn't know about this but I do and I'm so so stressed with it all and now I'm stressing about when she's with them because they never tell us anything and then think we're being funny when we ask them too!!

There is a part of me that needs to calm down with my control over the situation but she's my first child and as I've said above she hasn't had the easiest time. I'm haven't chosen to return to work full time it's because unfortunately I have to! I'm much prefer to be spending the days with my DD (I know a lot of parents are in the same boat as me).

Thanks to anyone that has read this mega long post! But I'm just so stressed and wondering if I'm just being completely crazy!!

I have to say I agree that (apart perhaps from the dog - but don't want to add to that debate!!) I don't think what they're doing sounds that bad.

Could you give them a packet of some biscuits or rice cakes or something (whatever you're happy with her having) she really likes and say - she loves these but only as a treat. Maybe they'll give that instead of chocolate.

For TV, I really wouldn't worry - it's not everyday and at her age I doubt she's actually watching. They'll soon want to turn it off once she gets older and constantly demands bloody Bing/Peppa Pig/Paw Patrol - they'll be looking for any distraction just for their own sanity!!

Could you book a class for your in-laws to take her too? My mum has DS while I'm at work and I book and pay for him to go to a music class with her.

Oh well. Then the op has only two choices. Pay for yet another 2 days childminding ( I would not trust anyone bar family with my dc and as I didn't have family so no choice really) or give up full time work. Or ask your dh/p to get a second job.

They are doing you a huge favour regards of what benefit they get out of it.
It sounds like they have done a giod job of bringing their children up so probably to them it sounds like you are critizing and complaining about their judgement - well you are, no wonder they get defensive.
Your child doesn't need to go out every single day. To be fair its been bloody freezing and pouring fiwn lately.I haven't been out.if I don't have to! This may change when the weather gets warmer
If your child seems happy there I would leave her and pick your battles in future. Beware you don't moan too much and parents in law tell you to sort child care iut yourself if you think they are so bad.

One thing I've learnt is that when people do enormous favours for free, they expect to do them on their own terms to some degree. If you don't like this, you have the choice to pay a professional.

Also, you strike me as not seeing the wood for the trees on this one. A bond with loving grandparents is priceless. A bit of chocolate here and there is really not a big deal (and yet I understand the frustration, my DPs drive me wild when it comes to treats for DS). You need to unclench, or come up with different arrangements.

Could you book a class for your in-laws to take her too?

This is a good idea, but you need to position it carefully as a lovely opportunity for everyone rather than a criticism of what they're doing currently.

No answer from op must be busy at work

The thing is, if we all agree with OP that it is not safe to leave her dd with gps, OP would still leave her dd with them because she has no other option.

So following her own logic, OP is knowingly, in her opinion, putting her child at risk every time she allows the gps to care for her. And the only reason she does this is money. OP is therefore potentially putting a price on her dd's life. And that price is two days childcare.

Luckily, we're all a little more pragmatic than OP appears to be.

You sure do have a lot of rules. If I were your mil I’d say to you, “I’m not having you dictate our day with demands then quiz us about it at the end to make sure we’ve done your bidding. Although it would be a pleasure to have her, I’m not going to be controlled by you in my own home when I’m actually doing you a favour. Either trust me with the job or pay for child care. That’s your choice...either is fine with me.”

YABU.

Pictish spot on.

What gets me is surely all matters of childcare should have been thought about before you got pregnant? Was there no thought given to how you were going to sort out care for DC for 5 whole days out of seven? What the consequences would be if childcare wasn't suitable? You knew mil had dog before you were pregnant so why count into your equation if you are so worried about said dog? Why didnt you find alternative care for those 2 days taking into account you may have to pay for care for those days? Obviously these things were not considered before you got pregnant. I really don't know how you can contemplate having a dc if you cannot afford the amount of childcare? You cannot rely on family as anything can happen. You cannot rely on paid childcare because anything could happen.
Don't get me wrong I don't blame you for having a child. I don't blame you for working. I just Blame you for not planning properly about childcare. Just assuming mil doing it for nothing and then pulling mil to bits on mumsnet for not coming up to your exacting standards for looking after your child which is your responsibility to look after.

With a precious first child most parents are a bit anxious about doing everything perfect. But you are getting free child care and your child continues to thrive. Look at your dh they brought him up and can you see it harmed him in any way? It will be hard but a chocolate button will not hurt your dc, be specific and ask they give dc a nap at X time, say you would prefer dc not being licked by dog or touching its face and not having hands washed. If you can't afford formal child care you will just have to suck it up.

Difficult one, you’re wishes should be followed but they aren’t hurting anyone, supplying free childcare and it’s great for your daughter to spend time with the grandparents. My advise... pick your battles, this isn’t that big a deal in the grand scheme of things x