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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is what I'm asking so bad?!

261 replies

Kat160417 · 15/02/2018 09:29

Sorry but this is such a long post!!

So I had to return to work full time when DD was 6 months as I couldn't afford to be off any longer. We are lucky and have family that help with child care 3 days a week and a child minder for 2 days.

DD is now 10 months. Child minder is absolutely fab, no complaints, same with my parents but my in laws are driving me crazy!!

They have DD 2 days a week. Some days they keep her inside all day even if the weather is really nice (I know it's still cold atm but just wrap up?) And just let her watch telly all day. She only ever sleeps for "about 10 mins all day" if that was the case she would be screaming the house down wouldn't She? Considering everyone else that has her tells us she has a good nap on a morning and afternoon. If they do take her out, we are never told and it's as if we have asked something completely bizarre if we do ask what she's done through the day.

We asked everyone who watches her to not give DD any chocolate. We've given her little bits before but she's only 10 months old and doesn't know what it is so she's not missing out if she doesn't have any! Turns out the in laws have been giving her chocolate! I was so upset and angry mainly because they are going against what myself and DP have asked! When we have confronted them about giving it to her, they have argued back and said it won't do her any harm. We know that it won't but to me it shows they have no respect for us as parents.

They have an old Labrador who is as soft as anything and never bothers with anyone. DD was rolling about the floor and went to the dog and touched her face. DP mother found it so funny. Why would you let a baby touch a dog's face when you don't have hold of the dog or baby?! Even if the dog is as soft as shit I don't want to take that risk. You hear so many horror stories and I don't want DD being one of them. Of course the in laws again think we are being crazy because we've asked them to keep DD away from the dog.

When DD is with the child minder we obviously get told what she's ate and done through the day. I know that's her job but it's so fab that we get that and it's the same when she's with my parents. So all I'm asking is for my in laws to say how DD has been and what they have done through the day with her - is that such a hard thing for them to do?!?! DD has so much going on atm - she has hip dysplasia and has to have hip surgery in the summer and will be put in a hip spica cast. She's keeps getting unwell with bronchiolitis and has been referred to ENT for an issue with her throat. I know she doesn't know about this but I do and I'm so so stressed with it all and now I'm stressing about when she's with them because they never tell us anything and then think we're being funny when we ask them too!!

There is a part of me that needs to calm down with my control over the situation but she's my first child and as I've said above she hasn't had the easiest time. I'm haven't chosen to return to work full time it's because unfortunately I have to! I'm much prefer to be spending the days with my DD (I know a lot of parents are in the same boat as me).

Thanks to anyone that has read this mega long post! But I'm just so stressed and wondering if I'm just being completely crazy!!

OP posts:
Pseudousername · 15/02/2018 11:33

I don't think you are expecting too much at all OP but there's not much you can do about it if they are your only option - they're unlikely to change - if they do suddenly do a 180 then they're probably lying to shut you up.

Personally I would be looking very hard for an alternative between now and September owing to the dog though - they're all "soft as shit" until they get a finger in the eye or a pulled tail.

expatinscotland · 15/02/2018 11:33

Jesus wept! If you're this controlling then borrow money to put her to the childminder for more days because again, no, you don't get to dictate when it's your ILs. If that bothers you so much, then pay for more childcare. You don't seem to be able to get that through your head Hmm.

I hate going out when it's cold. If someone told me to 'just wrap up', I'd hand them their child and tell them they need to pay a childminder.

You have tried to dictate, they've told you they're not interested. So you have two options: suck it up and leave her there or find the money to switch her to the CM for more days now.

FleurDeLizzie · 15/02/2018 11:35

Would a 10 month old even watch tv for more than 5 mins?

I've never seen it happen either.

alotalotalot · 15/02/2018 11:37

I think if they were babysitting for a few hours here and there, you could dictate more. But you are asking them to do things differently than they normally would, for two whole days. It's a big ask when they are doing you a favour.

bobstersmum · 15/02/2018 11:42

The only issue I can see is the dog. Instead of letting everyone else mind the baby pay for a decent nursery?

Original poster
Kat160417 · 15/02/2018 11:43

@expatinscotland - I'm not trying to dictate at all. There's certain things I'm asking them not to do (giving her chocolate and touching a dog) - you obviously see that as dictating.

Like I've said all I want is the best for my DD - there's nothing wrong with that.

OP posts:
OracleofDelphi · 15/02/2018 11:48

OP!!!! Stop - you AIBU - general consensus is yes. You have a right to have an opinion, you have a right to be uptight, you have a right to not be happy.... and they have a right to think you are ungrateful.

does it really matter if everyone on here says you are totally right? Even if we did that it STILL wont change what your ILs think.

The majority think that you are lucky and arent being that grateful. You are free to think otherwise. But none of this will make you feel happier with you IL.

Yes we all know childacre is expensive. Thats why many people cant go back to work ft with a baby. Because they cant afford it.

The point is not - do you have a right to feel this way - the point is what can you do about it. Yur choices are talk to ILs, if they wont change either suck it up or find an alternative. There are 5 pages of comments now about this.

Either accept it, talk to them about it, or pay someone else. You being "right" wont make a blind bit of difference to what they think

cantsleepclownwilleatme · 15/02/2018 11:59

I wouldn't leave my child somewhere they were watching tv all day every week. I don't think you're being U. I would find alternative care.

Nanna50 · 15/02/2018 12:09

There is nothing wrong with wanting the best and your in laws probably agree, it's just that their best is not good enough for you. That is your problem so deal with it rather than criticising them.

You really don't value their contribution at all do you?

Loonoon · 15/02/2018 12:22

If everything is done the way you like it the other five days a week I wouldn't worry too much about chocolate and walks. Two days a week of this won't do much harm. I would be concerned about the dog though, even the gentlest dog might snap if hurt or frightened. If they can't ensure the dog and the baby are kept apart then I would be looking for alternative childcare.

MatildaTheCat · 15/02/2018 12:23

In some respects YANBU. I wonder if you can implement a few changes to help things along?

Firstly tell them about a ‘friend’ (me) whose toddler had his lip punctured by his grandparents soppy old lab. My fault and thank god the dog just snapped rather than bit.

Second, provide plenty of stimulating books and toys to use there, rotate them so they are varied. As she gets older include play doh, crayons, fantasy play toys, cars, dressing up. If they have a garden maybe ask if you can buy a sandpit or swing for the gc to use. Say you’d love to see photos through the day occasionally and laugh it off as missing her.

Chocolate is tricky. Ask them to please keep it to a minimum and provide some ‘special’ treats for them to use.

Napping, if it’s not wrecking her whole routine on other days, forget it. If they complain she’s grouchy suggest putting her down in her cot.

TV, difficult but mention that you have read that children who watch screens and stay indoors a lot are far more likely to need glasses ( maybe your paediatrician mentioned this to you?) If they won’t budge just suck it up, it’s not forever.

Lastly, I so understand how worried you must be about the surgery. As a hip dysphasia baby myself can I say that I had the surgery on both hips but much later than your dd ( so possibly a less good outcome). Forty years on my hips are holding out very well. Once she is recovered, keeping her active is really important to build muscle and get her flexibility back...another reason they might want to help her by getting her out and about.

Stillme1 · 15/02/2018 12:26

Here is another idea. It is radical but maybe time for people to think all this through.
OP stated that she had to go back to work for financial reasons. What about reducing your outgoings so that you can be a SAHM. Too many people "need" to have a 4 bed detached house, 2 posh cars, at least 2 holidays abroad and all the latest stuff in the house. Does the child need these things?
Grandparents looking after the children. It seems to be a total mine field. Many threads are about how parents are dissatisfied with the care they give. Many grandparents are exhausted looking after children long past their own child rearing time. Grandparents are people not just service providers.
OP mentioned that PILs look after her DD in order to see her and have a connection with her. Would it be the case that the PILs would hardly see the child if they did not provide free child care. I know of grandparents who only ever see their DGC when babysitting and only see the parent while the child is being handed over. That parent does not pay in cash or do any return favours for the older DGP.
It seems to me that this use of DGP to act as childminders is a situation which is fraught with too much stress in all directions to be able to continue as widespread as it is

CherryMaDeary · 15/02/2018 12:29

YABU I'm afraid, except about the dog.

Maybe the issue is that you are doing all the stressing? Does DH do his fair share?

Peachpie14 · 15/02/2018 12:31

I agree with you OP. My baby is five months and I would have the same concerns as you. Luckily when I go back to work baby will be with my sister (who I know will respect what we ask) and nursery. Yes your PIL are doing you a favour but they should also respect your reasonable requests as her parents (a ten month old shouldn't just be plonked in front of tv all day) or they shouldn't have agreed to be your childcare for those two days, and the dog thing would be a definite issue. Yes dog probably won't ever snap at baby but I'd rather not take the chance than be getting called to a&e. I would have another chat and reiterate your concerns or definitely be putting child with childminder asap

HariboIsMyCrack · 15/02/2018 12:33

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

KarmaStar · 15/02/2018 12:36

Hi OP
It sounds as if they have brought up their dc this way and it didn't harm them ,they know she is clean,fed,safe and happy and can't see things from your pov and think your overly anxious.
Bearing in mind their age,perhaps they are not up to going out in the cold every day?
I'd try to rein in my anxiety until you can afford alternative childcare.If they get fed up with your questioning their ability to look after her they may stop and that will leave you in a pickle.
I appreciate how hard it is,you clearly love your dc so very much,but she's fine and well loved by them.and its not forever.Flowers

ilovegin112 · 15/02/2018 12:44

I would say there is probably something your parents are doing that you would class as wrong, if it’s that bad find alternative care now don’t use them until September

You will also have to be prepared for any fallout over this but maybe that’s what your hoping, just don’t come on here saying aibu because your in laws see your nephews/ niece and not your daughter

Munchyseeds · 15/02/2018 12:53

Would it b such a big deal if it was your DM looking after your baby in this way? Is it more of a MIL issue?
I worked 3 days a week when mine were that age....DM and MIL did all our childcare ( how lucky were we). They both had their own way of doing things but at the end of the day it was ok because I knew my children were always in a place of love. They used to tell me bits about what they had done but no way did I have a blow by blow account....I'm sure they went out more with my MIL
Chocolate won't do any harm....my mum used to bribe mine to walk!
The only bit that I would be slightly worried about would b the dog who might not be able to see/hear so well being an old lady

ilovekitkats · 15/02/2018 12:58

OP. Seriously, I can see your concerns but..... YANBU about the dog, as all dogs can have moments, but apart from that, you really do need to let it go or move your child elsewhere.

You remind me of a friend, who was so uptight with the PIL looking after PFB, that she destroyed the relationship with them. By the time DC's 2 and 3 came along, she couldn't have cared less if they were eating chocolate, watching tv, or eating the dog.

It was too late by then to repair the relationship with the PIL though, as they just felt that she was uptight, demanding, critical. They rarely see the GDC any more and it is all very sad.

RingFence · 15/02/2018 13:05

They don't sound like very caring or responsible grandparents- there is no way I'd entrust my baby to them! Perhaps they don't want to provide childcare. Not taking her out is one thing but feeding her chocolate and leaving her unsupervised with the dog could be harmful.

I think you need to put your baby first. Either drop your hours or find a child minder/nursery who can give her the stimulation and care she needs. I know it's hard when you're struggling financially, but I would sooner re-mortgage/rent a cheaper house and save in other areas than risk my daughter's safety.

Damnthatonestaken · 15/02/2018 13:11

Stillme1, jesus wept,! Op has clearly said she cant afford to stay home. What a goady, obnoxious , sheltered post to assume everyone can just give up 'wants' and stay home. Get your head out your butt

Aridane · 15/02/2018 13:15

So find alternative care or suck it up and unclench.

And stop persuading yourself you are doing them a favour in letting them have her two days a week as they can see her.

stevie69 · 15/02/2018 13:23

So just because I'm getting free child care I shouldn't be bothered about what my child is doing?? It doesn't matter whether it's free or not, she shouldn't be spending her days watching telly etc.

Of course you should be bothered. And indeed you are. However ....if you're not paying your in-laws for looking after your DD, your capacity for dictating the rules is unfortunately somewhat compromised. That's just how it goes Blush

MissDuke · 15/02/2018 13:30

OP I have been on both sides of this as I receive childcare from family aswell as provide it for other family members.

From your op yanbu at all. However I do wonder if a post from the grandparents would read differently. I do find that when I mind my little relative their mother does expect me to adhere strictly to their routine but I have my own children too and so really the wee one needs to fit into our routine. There have been times that my family member hasn't been happy with this (eg a missed nap due to us being out) and I have come very close to stopping the arrangement. The grandparents perception of your demands may well be different to how you intend it? I don't know!

One thing I would say is that I think it is awful to be saying you are unhappy but will stick it out for months until you find an alternative - your dd will be so well settled and I suspect your inlaws may well be upset. You are using them until a better offer comes along. I really think that is terrible.

Finally one other thing struck me. Your dd is only a little baby but has such a busy life, home at the weekends then sent to three different carers during the week. Is it really so bad for her to chill a couple of days?

MrsCharlieD · 15/02/2018 13:31

I would kill to be in your position. Our full time childcare is costing the best part of £1k a month. My parents are close by but have their own lives. It sounds yo be like you are expecting a bit too much from them. I think you need to up the child care hours with the child minder.