Is what I'm asking so bad?!

[Kat160417]

Sorry but this is such a long post!!

So I had to return to work full time when DD was 6 months as I couldn't afford to be off any longer. We are lucky and have family that help with child care 3 days a week and a child minder for 2 days.

DD is now 10 months. Child minder is absolutely fab, no complaints, same with my parents but my in laws are driving me crazy!!

They have DD 2 days a week. Some days they keep her inside all day even if the weather is really nice (I know it's still cold atm but just wrap up?) And just let her watch telly all day. She only ever sleeps for "about 10 mins all day" if that was the case she would be screaming the house down wouldn't She? Considering everyone else that has her tells us she has a good nap on a morning and afternoon. If they do take her out, we are never told and it's as if we have asked something completely bizarre if we do ask what she's done through the day.

We asked everyone who watches her to not give DD any chocolate. We've given her little bits before but she's only 10 months old and doesn't know what it is so she's not missing out if she doesn't have any! Turns out the in laws have been giving her chocolate! I was so upset and angry mainly because they are going against what myself and DP have asked! When we have confronted them about giving it to her, they have argued back and said it won't do her any harm. We know that it won't but to me it shows they have no respect for us as parents.

They have an old Labrador who is as soft as anything and never bothers with anyone. DD was rolling about the floor and went to the dog and touched her face. DP mother found it so funny. Why would you let a baby touch a dog's face when you don't have hold of the dog or baby?! Even if the dog is as soft as shit I don't want to take that risk. You hear so many horror stories and I don't want DD being one of them. Of course the in laws again think we are being crazy because we've asked them to keep DD away from the dog.

When DD is with the child minder we obviously get told what she's ate and done through the day. I know that's her job but it's so fab that we get that and it's the same when she's with my parents. So all I'm asking is for my in laws to say how DD has been and what they have done through the day with her - is that such a hard thing for them to do?!?! DD has so much going on atm - she has hip dysplasia and has to have hip surgery in the summer and will be put in a hip spica cast. She's keeps getting unwell with bronchiolitis and has been referred to ENT for an issue with her throat. I know she doesn't know about this but I do and I'm so so stressed with it all and now I'm stressing about when she's with them because they never tell us anything and then think we're being funny when we ask them too!!

There is a part of me that needs to calm down with my control over the situation but she's my first child and as I've said above she hasn't had the easiest time. I'm haven't chosen to return to work full time it's because unfortunately I have to! I'm much prefer to be spending the days with my DD (I know a lot of parents are in the same boat as me).

Thanks to anyone that has read this mega long post! But I'm just so stressed and wondering if I'm just being completely crazy!!

Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!

I get what you're saying but you need to understand that if the childcare is free you don't get a say, it's as simple as that,they are doing you a HUGE favour.
Their response to your questioning isn't about a lack of respect for you as parents it's them being offended at what they perceive as your lack of gratitude toward them.
If you can't just be thankful then for everyone's sake you need to pay a childminder , then you'll have some control over activities and food etc.
Honestly no grandparent really wants to be an unpaid childminder, they would far rather enjoy the freedom of retirement and see their granddaughter on visits.

I can understand your frustration but if they refuse to change then you will either have to stop the arrangement or put up with it.
Would they listen to dh?
Do they think you are a bit neurotic? I'm just wondering if they ignore everything because some of your concerns are a bit over the top. Maybe if you try not to sweat the small stuff and just concentrate on one or two major bits, they might listen more?
The tv stuff won't hurt her if it is two days until September. If they do more then it involves them actively childminding which they might not be prepared to do or think they signed up for - which leads us back to the, find an alternative if possible. Unfortunately it doesn't sound as if you can afford to have what you would like.

So just because I'm getting free child care I shouldn't be bothered about what my child is doing??

Well of course you want to know she's being kept safe and warm and loved and fed. That's childcare. I'd imagine there's lots of interaction throughout the day. Does she have toys there? Do they talk to her?
If so then 2 days a week isn't going to harm.
If you want some sort of structured activity program with a daily report then it's a bit of an ask when they're helping you out.
I'm old enough to be a granny and I wouldn't relish turning out in these temperatures with a ten month old.
And if my dil asked me what we'd been doing all day I'd be a little nonplussed as well. I'd have been doing what you do to look after a 10 month old. Without the frills. Heh. I like that. No frills care.

I can’t quite believe the flak you’re getting here. YANBU. I would find alternative arrangements in that situation, even without all the serious stress you and DD are under.
You aren’t asking for much - I tell parents after play dates what their kids have done and eaten and it takes maybe 20 seconds.
Unfortunately, if you can’t get alternative childcare, you may have to cope with it till September.
Do your PILs know you’re looking for alternatives, and why? I’d make it clear to them.

I'm going against the grain here, your in laws are being really terrible. They clearly don't really give a shit about you/your GP. They don't seem to care very much about your DD either. Find an alternative arrangement.

The in laws have their other grandchildren (5 And 7) all weekend every weekend by choice and they have done this since both kids were 3 months old and it isn't to help the parents while they go to work. So yes they are doing me a favour but it's also so they can see DD

It’s obviously not working out with your PIL.

I wouldn’t be happy either with a 10 mo not getting out. I’ve changed nursery partly because they weren’t getting my DD out enough. Also spending all day watching TV isn’t what I’d like.

But from your PILs point of view they are doing you a massive favour, and it’s never nice to be criticised which is what you’re doing.

Find an alternative childminder or nursery with spaces now. I know it’s not that easy but it’s not impossible.
Could you/partner swap/reduce hours at work and each cover a half day until September. Your partner would have been eligible for shared parental leave - did he explore that (though it’s probably too late now). Could your parents have her one extra day until September (though that is a big ask - they already do a lot). I don’t know what is possible but explore all options to find something that works for you. The current set up isn’t.

However I would try to preserve a bit of a relationship with your PILs - even though their care isn’t it best it was very generous of them to offer 2 days a week of their time.

I think you are worrying about 'big things' you can't control, so you are deflecting onto worrying about small things you think you can control.

You knew your PIL had a dog when you agreed to let them look after your DD, so you can't really worry now about the baby and the dog interacting. Relax a bit, let them love your DD in their own way, a bit of chocolate and TV won't hurt her (would you prefer they lied and told you she'd been out all day and eating only organic food). It also won't kill her to nap on people, it's just not the way you'd do it. Presumably your DH grew up all right?

Breathe. Let it go. By the time you get to DC number 3 you'll be flagging down passers by to mind them for an hour or two...

I am guessing that you’ve made it quite clear you want/expect her to go outside everyday & therefore when you are ‘asking what she’s done today’ or ‘if she’s been out today’ then they’re probably feeling pretty pissed off that you’re dictating how they spend their day & are checking up on them too.

I seriously doubt a 10 month old is ‘watching the telly all day’, I’m close to your inlaws age & I’ve never known a child that age that would do that.

If I was looking after my grandchild (I don’t actually have any!) and my DS & DDIL thought they could dictate how I spent my day, they’d soon be told that if they don’t like the way I’m looking after the DGC, they can feel free to make other arrangements. Personally, I wouldn’t be giving a 10 month baby chocolate/cake/crap and I’d probably take them out most days, but that’s not the point. The point is that they’re looking after their GC in a slightly different way than you’d prefer, but none of it is dreadful. I wouldn’t be doing a run down of our day either., but I’d tell you how many bottles she’d had, if she’d eaten well or not and if anything unusual had happened in the nappy department.

Everyone saying that just because it's free child care that we don't have a say. Yes we do because she's our DD. Yes she's with grand parents that are helping us but it's also so they can see their grand daughter.

Clearly shouldn't have put this post on as most of the opinions are just because child care is free I shouldn't give a shit what DD does etc.

Thank you for everyone that has seen my point of view - appreciate it.

You don’t want your mil to have cuddles when she’s asleep? That was my favourite part of the baby days.

Yeah you neee paid childcare, you don’t seem to get that they’re not going to do it the way you want them to. No matter how much you say it.

and if anything unusual had happened in the nappy department

Heh. First smile of the day.

I know fine well they aren't going to do what we ask. They've had her for 4 months and they aren't listening to us so I know they won't now. All I'm saying is it's annoying and adding to my stress

...and another rule, they’re not allowed to let her nap on them. Sheesh, how many more rules do you expect them to follow?

Does she love seeing them? Is she happy there?

...and selfishly, would they have her when she’s poorly & the CM won’t (can’t) take her?

Oh and the elderly lab that’s never stepped out of line despite three kids being around it all the time? Far more likely to sort the ‘no chocolate’ rule out for you than hurt your DD.

No matter what you think all grandparents spoil their grandkids whether it be chocolate or and wait for it......let them fall asleep on them having a cuddle.

You need to chill out. I agree with the dog thing because to be fair no matter how soft they are if they have a bad day then they can snap.

Feels like you are nit picking for no reason perhaps because it's your PIL. You get grandparents who don't want to know or who are NC.

You're stressing about your dc's health and taking it out on your in laws.

And as someone else said - what happens if the childminder won't take her because she's poorly or has chicken pox, will you expect them to take her then ?

Really it sounds as if you weren’t ready to go back to work yet and it’s given you anxiety, that along with the bairns health problems means you naturally want to have as much control as possible.

I’m not sure what the answer is to that. If the bairns happy and she’s cared for does most of what you’re stressing about really matter in the long scheme of things?

There is a part of me that needs to calm down with my control over the situation but she's my first child and as I've said above she hasn't had the easiest time. I'm haven't chosen to return to work full time it's because unfortunately I have to! I'm much prefer to be spending the days with my DD (I know a lot of parents are in the same boat as me)

Honestly, I think you need to see what you can do about working fewer days. You are clearly stressed about her health (understandably) and want to be at home with her. Have you looked into all of the options at work? Part time, compressed hours, working from home (shorter days with no commute, less hours at GP’s or not telling them but sending her to the Cm instead). A different job working evenings? Plus possible benefits etc? Mortgage holiday? Extending the years you’re paying it back? Or if you’re renting, a cheaper place etc

I really think you’re over reacting to what they’re doing/not doing simply because you want to be doing it yourself 💐

Op of course u should take an interest in wot ur dd has done and how much she has eaten and I think ur in laws abu there.
she shouldn't be watching tv all day but I bet she's not actually watching tv all day as her attention span won't stretch that far at 10 months.
The dog thing I don't agree with u there unless the adults were right across the other side of the room but she's ur dd so in that they should be listening 2 u.
As for going out I completely disagree as I dont want my 4.5yo going out unless it's nessaccary at the moment partly due to the cold weather (even wrapped up we have been freezing wen we've gone out) but mainly because of all the bugs that are going round at the moment. I as an adult came down with a virus that lasted 5 weeks and almost hospitalised me twice and both my dh & dd have not only had nasty cold after nasty cold but also noro. scarlet fever is also doing the rounds again as well as 'aussie flu' affecting everywhere except 2 places in britain. I know these bugs are around every winter but they seem particularly nasty strains this year and I don't won't to imagine how a 10 month old would cope with any of them.
could ur dh do pick up from now on until september? I'm not suggesting he lies 2 u about anything serious obvs but maybe he might get a bit more from his parents and can leave out the bits he knows will cause u unnessacary stress like the chocolate?
x

You need to pay for childcare if you aren't happy with the freebies. Lots of nurseries don't take children outside. You sound a bit hard to please. Count your blessings instead of whining. A lot of people get no free childcare.

I think you should take up the extra days with the childminder from September. Your in-laws are doing things their way (which is presumably how they raised the man you chose to marry) and you can't make them do things your way. The dynamic is entirely different when you are paying someone £60 a day to care for your child.

Until September, is there any chance your work and your husbands work could let you drop a half day on the day your child is with your in-laws? Half a day of TV and dog licking would possibly be better.

'Everyone saying that just because it's free child care that we don't have a say. Yes we do because she's our DD. Yes she's with grand parents that are helping us but it's also so they can see their grand daughter.

Clearly shouldn't have put this post on as most of the opinions are just because child care is free I shouldn't give a shit what DD does etc.

Thank you for everyone that has seen my point of view - appreciate it.'

'AIBU'?

99% of people - Yes

OP: NO, I'm not! Stamps foot! I'm right and they're wrong!

You do get a say, you say, 'Going to send her to the childminder the days you do.'

But you don't get to dictate to others who are doing you a favour, that's CF territory. Oh, wait . . . .

I think you can’t expect the same level of reporting from grand parents than a CM.
When I’ve left the dcs to my parents or PIL, even at that age, I’ve never had a full report of what they’ve done in the day. Just a ‘on we’ve had fun’, some sommenst about making x or going to y but not as a full on list in they is what we did today.
I’ve never questioned sleeps and naps either tbh.

However, I would have an issue with the chocolate for example.

And I do think that the system doesn’t work for you. So CM or your parents having your dd one or two days more will have to be the way to go.