Is what I'm asking so bad?!

[Kat160417]

Sorry but this is such a long post!!

So I had to return to work full time when DD was 6 months as I couldn't afford to be off any longer. We are lucky and have family that help with child care 3 days a week and a child minder for 2 days.

DD is now 10 months. Child minder is absolutely fab, no complaints, same with my parents but my in laws are driving me crazy!!

They have DD 2 days a week. Some days they keep her inside all day even if the weather is really nice (I know it's still cold atm but just wrap up?) And just let her watch telly all day. She only ever sleeps for "about 10 mins all day" if that was the case she would be screaming the house down wouldn't She? Considering everyone else that has her tells us she has a good nap on a morning and afternoon. If they do take her out, we are never told and it's as if we have asked something completely bizarre if we do ask what she's done through the day.

We asked everyone who watches her to not give DD any chocolate. We've given her little bits before but she's only 10 months old and doesn't know what it is so she's not missing out if she doesn't have any! Turns out the in laws have been giving her chocolate! I was so upset and angry mainly because they are going against what myself and DP have asked! When we have confronted them about giving it to her, they have argued back and said it won't do her any harm. We know that it won't but to me it shows they have no respect for us as parents.

They have an old Labrador who is as soft as anything and never bothers with anyone. DD was rolling about the floor and went to the dog and touched her face. DP mother found it so funny. Why would you let a baby touch a dog's face when you don't have hold of the dog or baby?! Even if the dog is as soft as shit I don't want to take that risk. You hear so many horror stories and I don't want DD being one of them. Of course the in laws again think we are being crazy because we've asked them to keep DD away from the dog.

When DD is with the child minder we obviously get told what she's ate and done through the day. I know that's her job but it's so fab that we get that and it's the same when she's with my parents. So all I'm asking is for my in laws to say how DD has been and what they have done through the day with her - is that such a hard thing for them to do?!?! DD has so much going on atm - she has hip dysplasia and has to have hip surgery in the summer and will be put in a hip spica cast. She's keeps getting unwell with bronchiolitis and has been referred to ENT for an issue with her throat. I know she doesn't know about this but I do and I'm so so stressed with it all and now I'm stressing about when she's with them because they never tell us anything and then think we're being funny when we ask them too!!

There is a part of me that needs to calm down with my control over the situation but she's my first child and as I've said above she hasn't had the easiest time. I'm haven't chosen to return to work full time it's because unfortunately I have to! I'm much prefer to be spending the days with my DD (I know a lot of parents are in the same boat as me).

Thanks to anyone that has read this mega long post! But I'm just so stressed and wondering if I'm just being completely crazy!!

I don't think ink this he's OP is asking too much

How hard isn't it NOT to give a child chocolate?

How difficult is it to say - yes she's had an hours nap at 1pm ate breakfast but didn't touch her dinner?

We had a nice trip to the farm earlier and then came home for a nap?

And if OP prefers her DD to nap in a crib (as she does at home and childminders) and doesn't want the child to fuss over nap times what's wrong with that?

I don’t think a 10 month old spending two days a week chilling out, not going out much, watching telly etc is THAT terrible at this time of year. What do you expect a 10 month old yo be doing all day? Studying fine art and going to museums?

I’m sure she goes out and gets fresh air on all the other days.

If the chocolate thing is an issue, you’re going to have to more assertive. Your DP should speak to his parents.

OP i totally agree with you, free or not they should respect your parenting choices, she is YOUR daughter. Mine goes to nursery full time but even if she didn't i know both sets of grandparents would do as we asked and have done when they've babysat in the past. I know from reading MN that we're lucky on that front

Fwiw OP I think you are reacting more to other things than to what yu R PIL are doing.
I think your u are reallymworried about yyou ur dd and her health. You are feeling guilty if being back at work when you wouod have liked to stay at home wth her.
Having a clear Clint if what’s happening, knowing that things are done YOUR ways is a way to still feel in control in a situation that feels out of control.
It’s understandable BUT you need to be careful not go over the top with it. In particular, you might want to ensure your PIL can still see your dd plenty (they clearly want to be very involved - which is good for your dd). And not to fall out with them completely.

Im sorry, I know the old 'your baby your rules' mantra - but what do you think a piece of chocolate is going to do to her? No one ever died because they were loved too much, ate chocolate and watched a bit of telly.

If you really dont like their free childcare, then pay for a child minder. They are doing you a massive favour. The choice is yours ultimately.

As a grandmother who loves having her grandchildren I don't think it's unreasonable that you ask them to respect your wishes. Although I don't provide full time care I follow the routines and wishes of my children... to an extent... eg I would not give them chocolate and if they wanted my grandchild to have a walk in the fresh air once a day I would try to do this. If the child had a regular nap time and would settle then I would try to follow this.

However I would not be expecting too many demands as I want to enjoy my time with my grandchildren and cuddle them in for a nap and I have certainly resorted to peppa pig on repeat on more than one occasion. I would expect them to trust me to look after the children, my way may be different than DIL or SILs parents way but it would be their choice.

At age 30 I would have underestimated how tiring looking after a baby or toddler could be in my 50's. I have many friends who regret offering to provide regular day care for their grandchildren as they find it tiring. I listen to younger women at work bemoaning the care that grandparents give. I don't think either side is intentionally unhappy with the situation, I just think it is a dynamic that is difficult to get right.

You keep repeating that they have their other GC through choice and so they do this to see your DD through choice, do you feel you are doing them a favour by allowing them to have your DD and they should be grateful? Either way they are doing you a huge favour saving you a fortune, and perhaps enabling you to stay in employment with future prospects.

You have to make a tough choice for the next 6 months either accept what they do give you, find alternative care for until your childminder is ready or change your hours at work.

I'll never understand why so many people post an AIBU then argue back with the general consensus

Of course you should have a say as she is your DD op. However, I think when people are making comments that it is free child care you may be taking it the wrong way. The child minding from the grand parents isn't a business transaction as it would be if you employ a child minder. What I find a little sad is that actually it appears you would prefer the benefits that went with the business transaction of using a child minder (knowing exactly what your DD has done, have more control when you are not there etc) than the benefits of the grandparents (cuddles, love and affection) which is entirely your choice and prerogative. For what it's worth I understand your frustrations but I can tell you from experience that when your daughter is older you will cherish the relationship she has with her grandparents more than the worries you have now. However I do reiterate what I said before that a frank discussion about your main issues will be beneficial.

Tbh the most important things are is she safe is she loved? If these things are ok I would live with it for a bit. You could put her into nursery for a morning on their days and ask if they would then collect and have her for the pm?

You have mentioned on numerous posts that they look after your dd so they get to see her.

Please don't dress it up as you doing them a favour.

My MIL is going to be looking after my DD 3 days a week when I go back to work. I'm fully aware that she has a completely different parenting style to me and probably disapproves of the way I do things.

But I'm so bloody grateful that she's willing to do it that it doesn't matter. I know she loves DD and will 100% keep her safe and happy to the best of her ability and that's enough for me. The fact that she will do it in a different way to me is irrelevant. I'm going to operate on the basis that what I don't know can't upset me.

You maybe need to pick your battles and let the other stuff go.

You sound really ungrateful, controlling and picky - either you trust them or you don’t

I'm not dressing it up that I'm doing them a favour.

I'm obviously stressing about DD's health issues and as a pp has mentioned, I am completely stressing over all of that and maybe that is affecting how I'm seeing how they are caring for her.

@Costacoffeeplease I'm not ungrateful at all. Yes I am controlling I have fully admitted that and yes I can be picky. I do trust them otherwise I wouldn't leave DD with them full stop its just a case of I don't agree with some of the things they do.

Either suck it up till September or take out a loan to pay the childminder until then. But seriously, a bit of chocolate and a couple of days indoors until September isn't going to result in lasting damage.

I hate to break this to you but you don’t really “get a say” with a childminder either. You ask, and the childminder usually will accommodate your request. But she can also say no to you. Childminders aren’t your direct employees.

What would do then?

Take your child elsewhere and find another provider, who would respect your requests right?

Well that’s the same option you have here.

“ I just want them to listen to us and respect what we ask and especially don't argue about it when we say don't give her ..”

Yeah but they won’t. And you can’t make them obey you and get them to do what you want, as you’ve discovered. So your options are to put up with it or find someone else.

Your PILs looking after other kids has nothing to do with anything, except obviously the other sets of parents are perfectly happy with how they take care of the other kids. And your PILs will just point it out to you.

Why wait until September? Are there no other childminders in the area? What about finding someone who works in term-time only nursery or is studying childcare related field and needs work during summer?

The rule in our family is "grandma's house, grandma's rules". This was made clear from the start. Grandma is not stupid and wouldn't do anything to put children in danger. Anyone who wants free childcare from grandparents in our family knows this and are happy to go along with it.

They'll probably go out more when the weather is better. TBH I wouldn't go out for the sake of it at the moment, for a 10 month old child - only if I felt like it generally. Once they are running about a bit, it's a bit different and worth going to the park etc.

Don't burn your bridges op, remember your child will pick up many bugs/cold/viruses from nursery and school and you'll need those grandparents there to help out. Be grateful that you have that option as many working parents don't.

You're getting a hard time here OP. What the fuck is wrong with some people? Giving a baby chocolate, never taking them out and the dog thing is even worse.

We had this battle constantly with FiL popping round every day with sweets and chocolate. In the end I pointed out quite harshly that FiL had all his teeth taken out at 20 so why on earth was he being such a dick? Did he want my kids to have crap teeth too?

OP. Your in laws are not professional childminders and are therefore not going to behave like one. If that is the sort of service that you require, then you need to put DD with a childminder instead of them.

Yes they should respect your wishes, but you cannot make them, so you either accept what they do, or move her elsewhere.

A child does not need to go out every day, and you cannot dictate to them what they do with her.

I wouldn't be happy either op especially if it was my Pfb. It's not the bit of chocolate, it's the disregard for your wishes, perfectly reasonable wishes. None of the things you want are precious, having a nap, no tv and no chocolate for a 10 month old are hardly unreasonable demands but your pils are taking care of your baby their way and there is not much you can do about it. You will either have to accept it or make other arrangements.

@TinklyLittleLaugh Thank you for understanding my point of view!

I understand everyone else's and that yes some people have the saying of "Grandma's house, Grandma's Rules" etc etc etc, but not all families are like that.

Yes I need to sort out my controlling issue but she's my first child, I'm stressed about her upcoming appointments which is probably contributing to all of this.

I know a little bit of chocolate isn't going to hurt her but the main issue for me there is we have asked them not to give her chocolate and they have ignored what we said and didn't tell us until we found chocolate on her top.

All I want is the best for my DD

So just because I'm getting free child care I shouldn't be bothered about what my child is doing??

You can be bothered, but you can't dictate. They are doing you a favour. I used to use a Childminder and my mum for childcare, I would expect a few more activities and updates from the Childminder. Don't they tell you how your child napped/ate if you ask directly?

My mum now watches my son after Nursery, I can't say 'I would like you to do some baking or arts and crafts this afternoon'. I accept that she might want a quiet day and he will have iPad time, or they need to stay close to home to walk the dog, or they may spend a lot of time at soft play.

Are they actually letting her watch tv all day, how do you know this? Would a 10 month old even watch tv for more than 5 mins?

I don’t think you’re asking for anything unreasonable but it’s true that you pay for free childcare in other ways. The dog thing wouldn’t bother me TBH and as the baby gets older it won’t be possible to keep them separated unless they put the dog in a separate room 2 days a week which personally I don’t think is a reasonable ask (and sounds like they wouldn’t do it anyway).

And of course some grandparents actually want to look after their grandchildren . It sounds like they do too so I’d try and explain as nicely as possible (or get your OH too) that you’re going to up the days with the childminder and see what they say. If they don’t want to look after her like some people are suggesting then they’ll probably be relieved.