To ask for your secret nicknames for co-workers, customers or clients?

[Midge1978]

Just checking I'm not the only one who does this!

Oh god
Mrs Stumpy
She is a peculiarly unpleasant woman with one hand
I'M NOT PROUD

I feel awful about this. But I've been needing to get it off my chest. There's a lady where I work who talks in this awful, sickly babyish voice - she really ramps it up when she's talking to men. For this reason my brain has named her 'sexy baby' like in Drifters, which just makes the whole thing worse, because I'm now cringing at myself as well as her every time she speaks.

Presidential Hair, Al Dente and a slightly strange thing where a group of us refer to each other by the first two letters of our first name and first two letters of our surname so JoJa or SaWa.

DS worked in a bakery/café, and his customers included Tuna Melt Man, Macaroon Lady and Mr Crussssty Rollssss.

My former boss is known as Rumpelstiltskin - she's very short and pointy featured and was prone to stamping her foot and swearing. While I don't have many specific work nicknames, colleague and I have Tool League Table where we will place someone in response to something stupid they just did e.g. "I see X has gone up two places on the Tool Table".

The DemoGordon
Leggings Showdown
Jethro Bodine
The Stench

At work we have BH (bucket head) CBH (chief bucket head) CockFace - a particularly useless BT account manager. Tim Nice But Dim. That Wanker Dom.

school run consists of The PF - a mummy blogger who lists herself as a Public Figure on instagram

our neighbours are Den Perry who looks like the dude from Phoenix Nights and his son Ninja Boy due to his stupid wee ponytail. There is Jimmy Somerville over the back and Adele a couple of doors down.

This has made me wonder 'How many of us are walking around with nick names that we don't know we've got.

My Dh had some great ones and I realise I still only know these poor people by their nicknames.
Smelly Keith
Piss in the snow

Begbie (name is Barry and he's a psychopath).
'Legs' Sally and 'Boobs' Sally (used to help DH distinguish which of my friends I'm referring to)
Keith no teeth
Jabba the Hut (she's short, large and evil)
Johnifer (he's in transition)
Irish Bob
Hot Dan the DPD man
Jack Spratt and his wife
LoveShack (surname Love and has a bit of a rep)
Doctor Dave
Tall Paul, bald Paul and hard Paul (used by DH to distinguish which of his friends he's referring to).

My deputy manager was known as The Hobbit by most people.
I had a customer I called 'The Last Earbender' as she would talk and talk and talk… it wouldn't matter even if you'd already told her you couldn't help, item was out of stock etc she'd still talk at you. Actually, she'd carry on talking even if you had been able to get her exactly what she wanted. She really needed things to complain about!

My former boss is known as Rumpelstiltskin - she's very short and pointy featured and was prone to stamping her foot and swearing.

^

on the floor with this one

You do realize nicknames for people is a very British predilection? Very very funny

NDN is called Mrs Dust as she gets the dustpan and brush on the pavement and you always hear the Hoover going in their house.

As a HR professional I wouldn't dream of anything like this...even when im not keen on people.. they just get known as a PITA.

Johnny Two Cups - one cup is never enough
Cyclops
'A lady is like a fiiiine wiiiine' after Swiss Tony for The Fast Show
Chopper Harris - apparently the rumours are true
Filth
Dom Perig Non

I have a “half-a-job-Julia” at work. Never finishes what she starts!

We also had a “Drunk Sandra” due to dodgy behaviour on any afterwork drinks

I'm freelance but clients past and present have acquired names along the way.

There's 'Hyacincth' ...
Fake OTT loud posh voice, always manages to mention her 'Mercedes' in every conversation, as in "Sorry I did call you back earlier but I had to collect my Mercedes which was in for a service" and orders her poor hapless husband around (they are also business partners) so he's terrified to make any decision without deferring to her.

Then there's 'Gollum' - a slimy, revolting little runt of a man, who kept putting his hands on top of mine on the table at our first business meeting. When I pointedly pulled them out from underneath and then kept them under the table, he started touching my shoulder, arm etc. I was about five minutes away from smacking him in the mouth. I actually refused to work for him in the end.

There's 'Mr Bean' an utter prick of a man who has the biggest ego of anyone I've ever met, but in reality is this Mr Beanesque character and even looks a bit like him. Mr Bean and Gollum are good friends, and I refuse to work for either of them, although funnily enough I still work for the company. Just refuse to have anything to do with those two and the company accepted it!

Then there's Velma out of Scooby Doo - because she looks exactly like her, dresses like her, hairstyle, glasses etc. Velma has an ego nearly as big as Mr Bean's but not quite!!

One of my favourite clients is Captain Mainwaring. He's lovely, but I call him that because he's the spitting image of the Arthur Lowe character in Dad's Army.

Needless to say - I never actually call any of them these names out loud. It's just how I think of them.

I work alone at home now, but in one job one woman was known as Alistair Sim in St Trinians. Cruel but quite accurate.

I have at some point, on a bad day, thought of most of my clients as 'Fucking Fuckface [insert name]'.

Next door are Victor Meldrew and Hyacinth.
Two doors down, Posh Alci (now lives in converted large shed/ manspace in garden, his GF seemingly had enough)
I worked in local pub and most customers were called Ian (not actual name but a common male name) so we had Ian Two Dogs, Ian Rich Bastard, Ian Beer etc. Ian Beer's actual surname was in fact Beer and he only drank a certain kind, we had to get it in for him.
At work (and these are strictly in my head as I"m new and wouldn't dare reveal them...) - Kraken Krankie (shouty Glaswegian Hitler female who looks like wee Jimmy and tries to feel me up.. even though she knows I'm straight) , Hot but Sad Tom, The Goddess (regal looking african lady with an amazing goddess name), Sings in Farsi (lovely to hear), Used To Be Manager And Still Thinks She Is, Sanitary Towel (her name sounds like sanpro but not the obvious one... she's not called Tammy) ,Mr Transphobic, Beautiful Hair But That's It, Hitler Who Shares My Name, Schoolgirl Who Covers Up But Can't Hide Her Beauty, Blue Haired Moany Sloth, Pretty J (male) and also Queen In The Making But Doesn't Know It Yet J (also male) Scared Jamie, Has Name Of A Beano Character But No one Dares Point This Out, (not an obvious one!), Hair To Waist Yet Going Grey In Teens, Sounds Like Cheese, Sounds Like Famous Artist, Huge Arse Customer's Favourite.

I worked with a dickfingers.

As he proudly told me [and he owned the company] he fucked up everything he touched.

alltoo, that's an impressive collection.

Beautiful Hair But That's It
Hot but Sad Tom
The Goddess (regal looking african lady with an amazing goddess name) Sounds a bit like someone from an old workplace of mine, except hers was an ancient queen's name. She wore beautiful turbans and African traditional-style clothes she made herself, in glorious prints. It fair brightened up your day when she came in, she looked so amazing all the time.

Michael, Beaut Hair is the new boss. Her hair is indeed gorgeous, so thick, shiny and long. Mine snaps off once past my shoulders so I have serious envy.
Hot but Sad Tom (I've changed the last name there) - really is going through it , it's awful and nothing anyone can do (very sad circumstances) :(
The Goddess doesn't dress regally (we have a uniform) but she's tall and elegant with an impressive booty (I'm tall but very unelegant and have a merely rather flabby, shapeless booty) She has a very unusual and strong name which I won't say on here for fear of outing , I've never heard anyone else called it. Her child has a God name.

I've got a very vivid picture of all your colleagues, alltoo

I have loads of names for neighbours. Some of these are people who pass my house regularly (Manbag Man, Mrs White-coat-and-hat, Mr Teacosy-hat, Badge Man etc) and some of them are people who live in houses near me (the Home Improvement Family, The American Car Family, The A & Ms (they have a van outside with A & M written on it), The Noisy Kids Family, Julie with the Big Dog, Craig from the butcher's inlaws etc).