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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my future child lied to?

434 replies

cjferg · 14/02/2018 18:46

Dh and I agree we won't be lying to our soon to be born child about anything. We both know how much it can fuck any relationships up and undermine trust.

Massive argument with MIL recently about santa. She thinks we are being ridiculous to not want to tell a pointless lie more often than not used to control children's behaviour. I think there is enough beauty and 'magic' in the world already without making shit up. I'd rather teach them about that.

Also our kid is going to get lied to enough by everyone/thing else in life so why would we want to add more?

And lying to avoid awkward questions is just a lazy cop out. In this day and age a kid is probably going to find out about sex and stuff like that pretty young anyway and I'd rather tell them myself if they asked than them find out some half baked version from wherever else.

OP posts:
Fekko · 14/02/2018 19:17

Child of nature running wild, eh?

AssassinatedBeauty · 14/02/2018 19:18

I don't really understand why you'd even be discussing it with your MIL now before you're even pregnant.

littlebillie · 14/02/2018 19:19
Hmm
WorraLiberty · 14/02/2018 19:19

They are now in Secondary School and still believe that the ice cream van only plays a tune when it has run out of ice cream.

I really don't understand how parents get away with that. I tried it once and my kids asked why all the other people in the queue were buying ice cream Confused

Anyway, my dad told me leprechauns were real. I believed it for years and loved the little book of leprechaun's tales he bought me.

I didn't take him to court when I found out they weren't and nor did I spend years in therapy.

I just loved him that little bit more for all the 'magic' believing in them created for me.

Jaxtellerswife · 14/02/2018 19:19

The only certain things in life are death, taxes and the fact that you will lie to your kids. And often.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/02/2018 19:19

I'm just imagining this child all grown up, sitting having a coffee with friends, discussing their childhood.

'What!?!' says the friends with their mouths open. 'You never believed in Santa?'

'No.' says your child. 'My parents made up some lame-arsed excuse about "we promised ourselves we'd never tell you any lies" but in reality they are just a pair of killjoys. Christmas was just a PITA, all my friends' parents watching me warily in case I'd spill the beans. I wish the'd just been normal, you know? Allowed me to have the fun of believing in magic. Fat fucking chance though.'

strawberrypenguin · 14/02/2018 19:19

God you sound like hard work. Your poor MIL

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/02/2018 19:19

The things people on here get steamed up about never cease to amaze me. Talk about first world problems.
Still, the OP has made a good MN start with her MiL - a row about how to bring up baby before it's even born.

Keep up the good work!

LondonHereICome · 14/02/2018 19:20

You could just read HARRY POTTER??

Hmm
RedToothBrush · 14/02/2018 19:20

So this is about your MIL and not Christmas then.

God, to have actual problems... and a soul.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/02/2018 19:21

Do you like my drawing mum? No it's terrible. my head is completely out of proportion.
Why are you sad mum? Your dad is shagging his p.a.
Can I leave my tooth out for the tooth fairy? No it's all bollocks.

Fekko · 14/02/2018 19:21

No fear. Load of drivel.

Original poster
cjferg · 14/02/2018 19:22

Or teach them santa as a fairy story. You can get just as much enjoyment out of something you know is fiction. It's not gonna be a case of 'santa isn't real and anyone who thinks it is is stupid'

I see the point about illnesses and stuff, fair enough.

OP posts:
ohlalalala · 14/02/2018 19:22

Good luck with that OP. Everyone is the perfect parent.... until they become an actual parent!!!
Sounds like you haven't got a scoobie about what's ahead of you. Come back to us in about 6 years and we'll talk then.

stoneagefertilitydoll · 14/02/2018 19:22

I can't imagine that my 7 year old really believes in Santa and the toothfairy, but he probably switches off the critical thought section of his brain (which definitely exists in other circumstances) to go along with the fun. If the idea of people sneaking into his room to give him presents or swap his teeth for money disturbed him, I would stop immediately, but until then, we'll all play along together and I expect he'll feel the same as I did - touched that my parents would go to all that effort when they really didn't have to.

FairiesVsPixies · 14/02/2018 19:22

You're having an argument with your mil about something that hasn't happened yet? Jeez, pick your battles....

Xulishesthepilot · 14/02/2018 19:22

Sounds fair enough actually op, given your update I'm a "wonder in the woods" sort of gal too.

One thought though; are you proposing to stop your mil telling your dc they have a present for them from Santa? Or taking them to a grotto or whatever? Because I don't think that's really okay necessary. I mean YOU don't have to do it, but she can if she likes, right? Because that is a BIG ask of a grandparent and believe me, you are NOT going to want to go there lightly.

Fekko · 14/02/2018 19:23

You do realise that it’s not real and everyone just goes along with it? I worked it out hen I was about 4 but just went along with it (probably for the presents).

If he couldn’t get my bike down the chimney, he wasn’t magic.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/02/2018 19:24

The best parents in the world are the ones who dont have kids. I was a fucking AMAZING parent before I gave birth!

Good luck OP, see you in a few years and I promise not to say "I told you so" :)

Fluffychickenmonkey · 14/02/2018 19:24

Couples planning to have children often make assumptions about what sort of, parents they will be and children they will have. And then the babies grow into children and the parents forget all about their plans.

CaptainCardamom · 14/02/2018 19:25

I get you OP, I felt the same. It just feels to wrong and sad to perpetuate this lie which then leads to more upset when it's found out. And I HATE the way it's used to threaten children, and the way some parents actually get cross with their DC for questioning it and try to make them believe for as long as possible.

BUT, a little practicality did creep in when it came to it. Kids do enjoy it, and the culture of it is so huge that you just can't fight against it without coming over like some strange puritan cult. What I ultimately did was went along with it in a comedy fun way, but never, ever pushed it or made it seem like a big deal. They got it all from nursery, friends, TV etc and I was just suitably gnomic and non-committal, but did what they wanted with leaving out carrots and all that. Meanwhile, I taught them to question things, I'm atheist and was honest about that etc - not in order to be educational but because it's just what I'm like. And resolved I would not lie if they asked me straight out.

They both saw through it all by 5/6 and asked me straight out, and I said it was just a story, but a fun one. They both seemed relieved, and also wanted to carry on with the traditions even when they knew the truth. We have a big laugh about it which is how it should be.

But yes some other parents at school have given DD shitty looks because despite me telling her not to burst people's bubble, she can't help spilling the beans. (They don't believe her though...)

Dustysparrow · 14/02/2018 19:25

I am going to go against the grain a tiny bit here - I don't agree with the OP as such, I love the whole santa thing, BUT my daughter is now 9 and still believes in santa, fairies, easter bunny etc and she has turned out to be the sort of child who believes so fervently and is so sensitive that now I am dreading the day when she discovers none of these things are real, because I know she will be properly devastated. I know plenty of other kids who would shrug and just not get too bothered about it, but she is absolutely not one of them. I rue the day she was given her bloody Fairy Door, what a headache that has been. And rightly or wrongly I am genuinely worried that when she finds out it was all me and her dad she will wonder what else we have 'lied' about and lose trust in us, because I know how her mind works.

Eliza9917 · 14/02/2018 19:25

I think it's terrible to deny kids that magic while they are young enough for it. They will have real life soon and for long enough soon enough.

I got my niece (3) & nephews (3 & 2) a Santa button this year. You pretend it fell off his coat. Both 3yo's were so excited and their little faces were just amazing, both of them wouldn't put them down all day and were so excited to try to give it back next year they are keeping them in a special box etc.

I couldn't imagine not buying into it all for them, that a really shitty thing to do.

CountFosco · 14/02/2018 19:26

Ok. I have sympathy with your viewpoint and your desire to not lie to them. But listen to the voice of experience. You can do what you want but frankly every other person in their world will be talking to your child about Santa for about 2 months of the year so they will probably believe whether you want them to or not (we've been low key about Santa, not saying it's a lie but not making a big fuss). It's not worth fighting with your MIL about. We are atheists but all our kids went through a Godly stage thanks to the proselytizing at their (non-religious) school. Santa is a much smaller lie than religion and at least they aren't expected to believe it all their lives.

As far as sex education goes you may find as I did that being open results in complete lack of interest and boredom from the kids (Mummy's talking science again, bo-ring). And even when they have read all the books and seen all the diagrams they'll ask a question that shows they haven't quite understood the mechanics.

Amonk3ysButler · 14/02/2018 19:26

Op
Hi you sound like me 12 years ago when I was pregnant with my first. I was adamant I wasn't going to lie to my child and there would be no santa, tooth fairy etc but here I am 4 kids later and every Christmas Santa comes with his snowy( flour) footprints and I have a box full of tooth fairy/pirate notes/teeth. Grin By all means be truthful with your child but nothing with ever fill you with Joy more than seeing the excitement your child has when they are impatiently waiting for one of these 'lies' to arrive.