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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my future child lied to?

434 replies

cjferg · 14/02/2018 18:46

Dh and I agree we won't be lying to our soon to be born child about anything. We both know how much it can fuck any relationships up and undermine trust.

Massive argument with MIL recently about santa. She thinks we are being ridiculous to not want to tell a pointless lie more often than not used to control children's behaviour. I think there is enough beauty and 'magic' in the world already without making shit up. I'd rather teach them about that.

Also our kid is going to get lied to enough by everyone/thing else in life so why would we want to add more?

And lying to avoid awkward questions is just a lazy cop out. In this day and age a kid is probably going to find out about sex and stuff like that pretty young anyway and I'd rather tell them myself if they asked than them find out some half baked version from wherever else.

OP posts:
hmmwhatatodo · 14/02/2018 19:28

So you’ll be telling this future child that you’ve had enough of all the massive junk modelling he/she keeps bringing home from nursery and reception and you’ll also tell him/her that the practice they are doing on their first ever instrument is actually quite painful and you love it when they stop? Good for you. Make sure you also tell them who is better than them at football/ballet/swimming. Don’t just tell the truth about Santa and the Tooth Fairy, it has to be all or nothing.

I personally had the best fun ever making up ‘lies’ about leprechauns (kept that one up for years and roped a teacher in too when he was starting to have doubts). Also loved the time he believed that baby giraffes were going to be hatching out of some duck eggs.

Fekko · 14/02/2018 19:29

Do you like my painting mummy?
No, it’s crap

BertrandRussell · 14/02/2018 19:30

I agree that you shiuldn’t tell lies about sex,death and the realities of life. But the pretendy things are lovely. Just don’t keep them going once the child starts asking questions.

You can still have all the fun of Father Christmas, the Easter Bunny and so on even when they’ve stopped believing. We still do and mine are 16 and 21! I assume they don’t believe any more!

UrsulaPandress · 14/02/2018 19:31

Harry Potter is your version of beauty and magic 😂

Original poster
cjferg · 14/02/2018 19:32

And it isn't just about MIL, we usually get on fine. Just didn't think other people would find it such a big deal (clearly am wrong about that)

We have had so many problems caused by lying arseholes and believe that generally it's better to be honest.

Also when kid finds out they have been lied to by parents, how can you reasonably expect them to not lie to you like you ask them to? I just though it was double standards as a kid and decided it was fine to lie.

OP posts:
AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 14/02/2018 19:32

Father Christmas is one of many, many lies you will find yourself telling your children. Other lies will include any version of:

  • the TV doesn't work before/after a certain time
  • chocolate tastes awful
  • yes the clock really does say bedtime
  • X animal makes Y noise (who the fuck knows what noise a tortoise makes anyhow)

You will also have many, many more disagreements with your MIL over your parenting. I cannot express this strongly enough: pick your battles. This is nothing. And your MIL and all of MN and anyone else you start lecturing will be saying I Told You So in no time.

theculture · 14/02/2018 19:32

I always knew it was a story - not real but I still loved Xmas!

I loved trying to stay awake to catch my dad with my stocking until well into my 30's

Alloftheboys · 14/02/2018 19:34

Psssst OP Harry Potter isn't real

C0untDucku1a · 14/02/2018 19:34

AH yes the autobiography Harry Potter

Hmm
Blackteadrinker77 · 14/02/2018 19:34

I have lied to both my daughters just today.

DD1 rang to tell me her partner lost his Grandma. I'm so upset for him, I want to go just go give him a hug. DD1 asked how I am at the end of the call. I lied and said I was fine. She didn't need to hear that I was having a bad day.

DD2 rang and asked me to have DGD for 2 hours in the morning and also asked how I was. If I told her the truth that I'm in pain and swollen she wouldn't let me watch DGD and she wouldn't get the break she wants.

Lies aren't always going to ruin a relationship as you put it.

CaptainCardamom · 14/02/2018 19:35

Also when kid finds out they have been lied to by parents, how can you reasonably expect them to not lie to you like you ask them to?

Yes - this is one aspect of it that really riles me. But you don't have to lie yourself. Just let the whole shebang carry on around you and be there with the truth when they ask.

OTOH I suppose it's part of growing up to get used to the fact that everything in life is pretty inconsistent and most people actually lie quite a lot.

feska5 · 14/02/2018 19:36

Oh for goodness sake it’s a bit of magical fun for children. I know my three DD’s don’t feel lied to or scarred for life. When our youngest DD was three we told her a story that each year Santa left a silver bell for a special boy or girl in their stocking. The look on her face on Christmas morning when she found the bell was priceless. She’s twenty three now and says its lovely, happy memory. She still has that bell.

nokidshere · 14/02/2018 19:40

It really doesn't matter at this stage does it? What's the point in being annoyed with someone about a scenario that may or may not happen? Ridiculous.

And anyway, everyone knows (and remembers) the idealised parenting we had in mind before children actually arrived.

Original poster
cjferg · 14/02/2018 19:40

FFS I'm not trying to say Harry Potter is real but in my childhood I got a lot more enjoyment and fun out of reading it (and playing, pretending we were wizards, etc.) than I ever did from lies about some dude coming into my house at night and leaving presents.
And how are you meant to explain how santa doesn't leave as much/anything for some kids. Or do you just say that the poor kids have been bad so santa didn't come, aye?

OP posts:
Parker231 · 14/02/2018 19:40

I would have kept my DC’s away from yours to avoid the risk of them ruining the magic of Christmas for my DC’s. My DC’s are grown up now and I don’t appear to have ruined their life my lying to them about Father Christmas, the tooth fairy etc

Rudi44 · 14/02/2018 19:41

I like the comment about parenting hypothetical children is easier than real ones.

You don't need to lie to little kids about Santa because they tend to believe it unquestionably until a certain age. And it teaches them that there are different types of lie, well intended ones and the other kind. The magic of Christmas and that belief for just a few fleeting years that all the magic is real is just a wonderful time, and when it's gone Christmas will never be the same. Enjoy it while it lasts, don't spoil it for your child and inevitably other children as well when your beloved little precocious poppet tells them it's all a pile of bull

MelvinThePenguin · 14/02/2018 19:41

A friend in my primary school class, who was also a member of the same Church as my family, was told Santa doesn’t exist from the start. Her parents were worried she would think they also lying about God.

I sort of get that, but even the vicar was Hmm.

Anyway, I convinced this friend that Santa did exist. How else could she explain the snowy footprints in my house?

FingersCrossedHard · 14/02/2018 19:41

Personally I think you sound bitter and odd.

MelvinThePenguin · 14/02/2018 19:42

Oh and I once attended a crib service where the vicar mentioned ‘Rodney the reindeer’ numerous times.

BeHappyMummy · 14/02/2018 19:43

You could incude Santa in imaginative play or fantasy. No need to say Santa is actually real.

UnicornRainbowColours · 14/02/2018 19:44

Santa and the Easter bunny are a bit of childhood fun and tradition. Most kids grow out of believing on their own.

I don’t see it as lying I see it as making a childhood innocent and fun and special.

KittyMcV · 14/02/2018 19:46

Nothing wrong with you making that decision, and I've often thought it odd that we expect our little children to know the difference between being cool about a chap coming down your chimney at night and yet being cautious about the chap who wants to say hello at the playground. I suspect that as your baby grows, you will find a way to compromise. My kids are grown up now, and I hope to be a granny one day. I would like to think that I'll respect their wishes, whatever they decide. Heard someone on the radio the other day saying that they work hard for their money - and when they give their children presents at Xmas, they want the child to know it's from them. I didn't think they were 'no fun' - in fact, I thought 'good for you'. Better than children thinking that Santa gives some children more than others.

Original poster
cjferg · 14/02/2018 19:46

Again I see the point about not wanting to be entirely truthful about illness or stuff like that if you don't have to

But for every kid who just gets on with their life after finding out they were lied to by their parents about something pointless there will be another who subconsciously or not gets trust issues and is actually affected by it. Or what about the kid who thinks santa is real until they are 12-13 (it does happen) and then is mortified in school because of it.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/02/2018 19:47

I hope your future dc aren't the sort of children who will go into school and tell all the other children that it's lies and made up. And they know it's true because their mummy and daddy never ever tell them lies...

You will be 'that^ parent on the playground. (and I don't mean popular)

BastardGoDarkly · 14/02/2018 19:47

Ah the plans we have before we're actually parents eh?

I was going to be quite strict Hmm