To not want my future child lied to?

[cjferg]

Dh and I agree we won't be lying to our soon to be born child about anything. We both know how much it can fuck any relationships up and undermine trust.

Massive argument with MIL recently about santa. She thinks we are being ridiculous to not want to tell a pointless lie more often than not used to control children's behaviour. I think there is enough beauty and 'magic' in the world already without making shit up. I'd rather teach them about that.

Also our kid is going to get lied to enough by everyone/thing else in life so why would we want to add more?

And lying to avoid awkward questions is just a lazy cop out. In this day and age a kid is probably going to find out about sex and stuff like that pretty young anyway and I'd rather tell them myself if they asked than them find out some half baked version from wherever else.

OP just because you didn't like santa as a child doesn't mean you have to deny your child that joy.

You loved Harry Potter, your child may hate it.

Imagine how your child is going to feel at school when all his friends are excited about Santa, and your child has been told he doesn't exist.

I'm glad I'm not your child.

No there's no chocolate buttons left

No Peppa Pig isn't on right now

I expect that little Jake ran out of party invites/ can only have a few children to his party

The battery has run out on the iPad

You just wait, you'll be liars like the rest of us one day!

I resent the assertion that if you don't do the whole Santa thing then your child's life is devoid of magic and excitement. How ridiculous.

I was never a FC believer and nor were my kids but life is naturally full of magic and stories and joy which don't have to involve getting something material whether money, presents or chocolate eggs.

Oh and those of you whose children do/don't beleive in Jesus/God/Allah/ angels whatever. Are your kids sufferring at school because there are others that do believe??

sorry - "that believe otherwise"

bertrand I see your point. In my experience, they still loved it aged 10. Over the past few years, when asked if Father Christmas is real, and i could see that they'd worked it out, i responded with 'what do you think?' DD told me that I should never, ever tell her that he is not real... she wants me to continue the charade as long as possible as she enjoys it so much. I assure you it's not just for me!

No there's no chocolate buttons left. No Peppa Pig isn't on right now. I expect that little Jake ran out of party invites/ can only have a few children to his party. The battery has run out on the iPad. You just wait, you'll be liars like the rest of us one day!

I just said no in those examples. Why would you lie? Children need to learn they can't have everything.

The joy/magic Santa brings to children isn’t matched by anything else. You’re taking away a massive part of their childhood holiday happiness for something totally stupid.

I assume you’re a first time parent by the ridiculousness of the post, but I feel bad for them

“You didn’t get invited because he doesn’t like you”

“You’re being bullied because people don’t like your hair”

“I don’t want you to go to the park alone because I’m worried you will be abducted by a pedophile. A pedophile is somebody who will abduct and rape you”

“Santa isn’t real. We bought you these gifts. Us. We want the credit, not some fat man in a suit”

“We got divorced because we couldn’t cope with life’s problems together and I hate your dad. You know Aunt Kathy? He had sex with her”

Come the fuck on. You will lie to that kid more than you’ve lied to anybody in your entire life - to protect them. Kids don’t need to become depressed by life as a child.

This:

“I think you are making the assumption that your son will feel the same way you do about the world and your traumas maybe? Your son will be a different person than you or your husband worth different perspectives I think because your already making the effort to change things.Try not to worry.I told mine that Santa want real when they asked me but was more than happy to let them believe otherwise till then.smile my mil is/was a great great help to me all my life.I'd advise choose your battles for what it's worth.”

See that tiny bit of fun left in a child’s life after most of it has been taken away by idiots treating kids as mini adults - your have just sapped that away. You’ll get a fucking massive shock on how little you can mould your child, you’ll line your kid up for other kids arguing with them non stop and other parents will think you’re a twat for chinking the magic of Christmas. Your mother in law sounds sensible, hand the baby over and return when 18 when they’ll appreciate your adult perspective more.

Think how many white lies you tell a day.

Friend wants to go you tell them your busy so can't, your really sat in front of TV with a cake.
You told your DP you didn't spend x on something.
in an average day I think we all tell lies, just to help make things easier.
But yes I do agree to not telling whoppers, but Christmas and the Tooth fairy, never did the Eater bunny one don't hurt a child and they mostly find it funny the year they know and they don't let on.
Mine announced at 5 to all her friends that Santa wasn't real her Older Sister had told her, she then pretended to think he was just in case bur said she used to present hunt for 5 years afterwards and said it was way better than xmas morning, as she found loads of gifts and had funny playing without me knowing..

I don’t lie to my children - but the issue of Santa is a tricky one. You can tell a 10 year old the truth about Santa and expect they won’t spoil it for younger children - but that’s not possible for a three or four year old.
It also depends - do you intend to be honest if you child asks if Santa is real... or are you just planning on let them know as soon as you can that Santa is not real? If you intend to do that - that’s pretty mean. Do you also intend not to read them fairy tales or makes up stories because these are not real either?
When my children were young they loved Christmas and all it involved. When they asked about Santa being real - I put the question back to them as do they think Santa is real. They usually responded yes and explained why and they were happy with that. When they were old enough and started challenging me further - I told them Santa was real for children in the western world. They knew what I meant though, but it allowed them to pretend he was real for a year or two more until they were ready to tell me they knew he did not exist.
Also, it’s natural to dream what sort of parent you want to be - but the reality is different. I swore I would never use a dummy - there was a free dummy with my bottle purchase. Two screaming premature twins - I was so glad for that free dummy and my children ended up using dummies at night for few years. I used to think I wouldn’t give my children much chocolate or sweets - their hot School meals offers chocolate cake or something similar everyday after lunch....and yes I could be that parent that refused...but I think the psychological effect of them being the only children or one of a few who aren’t allowed a pudding is more damaging than a piece of cake. Raising children is not black and white - there are too many variables that while it’s great to pick a path - you will sometimes need to deviate from it.

I don’t lie to my children

you do. Everyone does. You're lying now.

so, that means every time your kid will show you a drawing she/he made with a proud face, you’ll let her/him know that it’s ‘just a scribble/ silly stickmen/utter rubbish/wrong colours’ blahlah. So just you never lie.

People who "don't lie" are either horrible people or they are lying to themselves and tell truth softening white lies like the rest of us. Brutal honesty at all times is not attractive.

Franticallypeaceful
"You didn’t get invited because he doesn’t like you” “You’re being bullied because people don’t like your hair” “I don’t want you to go to the park alone because I’m worried you will be abducted by a pedophile. A pedophile is somebody who will abduct and rape you” “Santa isn’t real. We bought you these gifts. Us. We want the credit, not some fat man in a suit” “We got divorced because we couldn’t cope with life’s problems together and I hate your dad. You know Aunt Kathy? He had sex with her”

You say those things yes, but not quite so directly and not in such detail. A lot of the above just wouldn't need to be mentioned but the issues themselves, yes talk around them and problem solve in a non frightening way - but no I wouldn't lie about any of those issues.

so, that means every time your kid will show you a drawing she/he made with a proud face, you’ll let her/him know that it’s ‘just a scribble/ silly stickmen/utter rubbish/wrong colours’ blahlah. So just you never lie.*

But it is good- for them and their effort. Ok not by art standards but it's not lying to say "well done, that's lovely. I especially like the way you've drawn...* because it is good by your child's standards.

And if it isn't as good as their usual standards then you tell them so and give them constructive advice or tell them not to rush it. You praise for effort.

I'm surprised at how many think Santa is am essential part of childhood. Pent of children grow up without the Santa myth. Muslim kids, Hindu kids, kids of 7th day Adventists and Jehovah's witnesses.

I don't peddle the whole Santa thing to mine (They are 5, 4 and 2). They know about Santa, plenty of him in the culture around them bit I don't claim presents come from him any more than I'd claim I've seen a unicorn. It's fantasy and they accept that.

So when grandparents talk about Santa my kids enjoy that for the fantasy of it but I don't think believing or not is that big a deal. I don't say "Santa doesn't exist" i just dont tell them Santa brings presents or that you have to be good. They love Christmas regardless. They know all presents come from people who love them.

Think about it. No magical character brings birthday presents and yet kids love their birthdays. Muslim kids don't have some mythical dude give gifts at Eid (instead it's new clothes and cash from rellies). They still love it.

I can't say I ever believed in the Easter bunny or the tooth fairy or snowmen coming to life but I enjoyed the myths of them. Without believing.

So my kids know of Santa, probably aren't sure how real Santa is but I have never nor will I ever tell them Santa is real. I am honest with them, explaining the truth in an age appropriate way. No claiming dead relatives have gone to a star, no pets gone to live on a farm, no babies from storks. Always the truth as best as I can explain it age appropriately. Santa is no different. I've not been asked whether he is real but that probably because I've never insisted he is.

I don't think not peddling the myth is being a fun sponge. My kids are very bit as excited on Christmas morning as yours. Busting with joy

The people that say they don't lie are the ones everyone else thinks are insensitive, tactless and downright rude, yet they feel morally superior for always being honest.

Op your child is going to have the best fun at Christmas. They'll come home from preschool singing songs about Father Christmas getting stuck down the chimney and bringing you a book and a satsuma in a stocking and you'll knock em down because it's a fairy story.

My kids stockings amounted to about £10 combined. Tradition for me growing up was a book or magazine, a toy, socks, chocolate coins and a satsuma.

My 3.5 year olds friends got Nintendo switches, TVs, one 5 year old got an iPhone and a bunch of other stuff from Santa that cost ££££ more than my kids. She doesn't notice. She loves her harmonica and satsuma. It doesn't make her feel awful that her friends got fancier presents than her. And when she's older I'm going to lie to her when she points it out and say 'they obviously came from their mummy and daddy!' And I'm not going to feel like a liar for it.

But they’d be more bursting if they thought santa was real...

Of course some Muslim kids have santa! Some also have Baba Nowrooz too but he’s a bit err, un-pc in this country.

Trust me...you will lie...you will lie your arse off if it buys any of the following:

Peace and quiet
Resolves a tratrum
Allows you to eat something
Allows you to sleep

...you get the picture

Hands up, I was adamant my child would not have a dummy- she got one at a month old and didn't get rid until 4!

With best intentions I'm advising you to RELAX.

Stories and cultural celebrations like Santa etcetra are kept to keep the innocence of our children. Even the BBC news have a Santa tracker INNOCENCE is key to childhood, everything a child has the right to.

Please avoid the TRUTH and AVOID in - depth explanations of adult knowledge . I've seen children being spoken to on an adult level. It can make them precocious . Appropriate levels of 'truth' even for the most intelligent child saves an old head on young shoulders at best; emotions develop at different ages, thus we don't bombard, overload a child's mind with facts that could make them take on too much.

It's our duty to maintain innocence until appropriate ages. Enjoy that innocence, it's the best years of their lives.

I'm surprised at how many think Santa is am essential part of childhood

not one person has said it is.