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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my future child lied to?

434 replies

cjferg · 14/02/2018 18:46

Dh and I agree we won't be lying to our soon to be born child about anything. We both know how much it can fuck any relationships up and undermine trust.

Massive argument with MIL recently about santa. She thinks we are being ridiculous to not want to tell a pointless lie more often than not used to control children's behaviour. I think there is enough beauty and 'magic' in the world already without making shit up. I'd rather teach them about that.

Also our kid is going to get lied to enough by everyone/thing else in life so why would we want to add more?

And lying to avoid awkward questions is just a lazy cop out. In this day and age a kid is probably going to find out about sex and stuff like that pretty young anyway and I'd rather tell them myself if they asked than them find out some half baked version from wherever else.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 14/02/2018 22:00

I really do care about xmas,so do my dc.we love the decoration,movies,carols
We could do xmas from Oct onwards

ScienceIsTruth · 14/02/2018 22:02

Am I glad I went along with it? Yes and no, if I'm honest.

Yes, because it does make Christmas, etc, magical and the kids really do love it.
No, because I've lied to them and I know they'll be sad to find out it isn't real, and there's enough disappointment in the world without me adding to it.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 14/02/2018 22:02

christmas is the whole package. It’s bloody wonderful, an amalgamation of everything (and yes that includes presents, but also family, friends, a big party we host, working hard to make it wonderful). 3 of my 4 don’t believe anymore, it’s changed nothing to be fair. But your MIL might want to be passing on her family traditions and enjoyment of Christmas.

Good luck with it all OP. Hope everything goes well for you (genuinely - not being snarky!) Smile

nursy1 · 14/02/2018 22:02

There is a massive difference between the theory of parenting and what you actually do. It’s great that you are thinking about this and in principle I agree with you. What you will find though is that other kids and the world at large go along with this so much that your child will be quite confused.
I remember having conversations with my son when he was about 5 over the death question - he was very distressed at the thought I would die before him. I was being truthful “ everyone dies eventually but it will be a long long time in the future” etc etc. My Mum, bless her said “ oh for goodness sake, tell him you’ll go to heaven and when he dies you meet again”. ( we were going to church and Sunday school at that time - a school thing, another little lie you have to tell). You know what, it worked! He doesn’t believe it now but he did until he was older and could rationalise it better.

SpareASquare · 14/02/2018 22:03

I've already said fair point about some illness. I also get that you shouldn't tell a child they sound shit when they've played violin for all of a month, or that their drawing is terrible or whatever, and that obviously some lies are worse than others

Ah, so 'some' lies ARE ok? Confused

Original poster
cjferg · 14/02/2018 22:03

Responding to later posts, I can't keep up.

I don't want to deprive my child of magic or imagination, just for them to know that it's just a nice story, as is the birth of Jesus to a virgin, but it's ok to not teach your child that that is real apparently

Anyway I'm done with this because I'm just repeating myself now. Goodnight everyone!

OP posts:
martellandginger · 14/02/2018 22:06

Do what ever the hell you want. We couldn’t care less.

I do feel sorry for your yet to be born child. Your post makes me feel sad

Eltonjohnssyrup · 14/02/2018 22:08

You know, you don't have to link Santa and presents to good behaviour. You won't end up on the naughty list if you don't.

GruffaloPants · 14/02/2018 22:10

You can tell kids about Santa without using him as a full on behaviour management approach. I just tell DD Santa is someone magical who wants to make Christmas special, so he brings presents to children. Sometimes he brings an extra one if someone has been especially good.

Children enjoy Christmas for all the reasons adults do (except Baileys, hopefully).

nursy1 · 14/02/2018 22:10

Congrats on your impending birth. It’s a journey op and you will love it. Night x

Kardashianlove · 14/02/2018 22:10

What you are saying now is quite different to your OP which was you won’t lie about anything.
Now you’re saying that you will lie about certain things which I think most parents do, it’s just normal parenting.

The lying about Father Christmas will obviously have strong divided opinions. Maybe wait until your child is old enough for the concept of FC, then decide.

Cranberrywensleydale · 14/02/2018 22:14

Goodnight OP! I think the problem here is that you are not a parent yet! Trust me - parenting is bloody hard and when you are a parent you might will see the world a little LOT differently Smile

(It's ok! Before I had kids I was only going to serve organic food, breast for more or less ever! Never have
My kids watch TV or other screens, never allow the kids access to toy weapons, etc etc etc) - then I became parent and realised I had previously been deluded and quite judgemental (as I'm afraid you are)

Cranberrywensleydale · 14/02/2018 22:17

Too many typos in that!!! 'Breast feed for ever, never let my children watch TV or other screens, never allow my kids to access toy weapons, never use a dummy! etc...)

Babybubblescomingsoon · 14/02/2018 22:18

Yes, do destroy any potential for imagination op, lovely idea, your child will be so greatful Hmm

As will all the parents at school when your 4 year old tells their fellow classmates Santa isn't real and spoils the fun for everyone. Or will you tell your child to lie and play along? Either way, not good.

MiaowMix · 14/02/2018 22:23

Sorry op didn't realise you were pregnant, didn't mean to be rude.
But don't overthink stuff that hasn't happened yet Smile

MrsPreston11 · 14/02/2018 22:25

Whatva load of tripe.

So as soon as a TV show comes on will you say “Peppa isn’t real. She’s voiced by....” “Mickey Mouse is a man in a suit”

It’s called childhood.

I look back so fondly on the effort my parents went to to make Santa real and Christmas magical.

I’m guessing you had shit christmasses?

Cleanermaidcook · 14/02/2018 22:30

....says the woman with no kids. Good luck with that 😂😂

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/02/2018 22:32

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Flowers

I think it's never wise to have too many idealistic plans for being a parent or great expectations of how you will birth your child, feed them, discipline them and shape them into a person.

This saves you feeling crushingly disappointed with the reality.
(Sorry I didn't want to lie) Wink

Babipotjam · 14/02/2018 22:35

One more thing

My parents were very open about things but one story sticks to my mind when they SHOULD have lied or at least not be so honest.

When I was 10 I was in holiday in France. Kept seeing this poster of this girl. I asked what it was as I could read she was ten and wondered was she famous.

Mum said well no and looks at poster ... it was a missing poster this girl had gone missing the month previous.

I asked mum how could a child go missing because she and dad always knew where I was.

She smiled sadly and dad said that men sometimes kidnap you.

I asked what they did and my dad answered something like they would kill you.

I then asked how they would hide a body.

Dad said they would chop them up.

Now for years after I had nightmare after nightmare that a man would take me from my bed and murder me and chop my body up.

I stopped sleeping well and could only sleep with my mum by my side.

Now in that scenario my parents ( who are great ) were so wrong in telling me all.

badassbitch · 14/02/2018 22:41

I completely agree with you OP. My kids are 7-17 and I have never lied to them about anything. I never will. It has always been important to me that I don't do that. There is lots of joy and beauty in the world - definitely no fun sucking here! lol. I've always asked my kids to be respectful of others and explained some parents like to play a game with their kids and to keep the 'secret', and they do.

Both MIL's are like yours. One is vehemently against what we have done, one is more respectful. My advice - don't do anything, just talk to your kids. Both of your MIL's views and reactions will come from love. Your kid will listen to you the most. I've had so many convos with my kids about how so-and-so thinks that, so lets just go along with it. But they get the truth from me always (no matter how hard) and there is complete trust. Yes there have been awkward convos about rape, pedo's, sex,.....and times when im so tired they really want to go somewhere and I don't and I wish I could say 'oh it's closed sorry', like some of my friends do. But I truly believe that trust between you and your children is paramount.

I'm so gonna get flamed for this about being smug. I fall very short in a lot of other areas believe me. But lying/fudging the truth is something I just don't do and our relationship is all the better for it. I never lie to my husband either and vice versa - if we did it would break trust - I don't see the difference just cos its children.

SirGawain · 14/02/2018 22:41

I guess that the OP will not be pointing out the Moo Cows in the field, but will explain that it is a herd Bovine Quadropeds, or the the Three Little Pigs are examples of the Porcine species. She will no doubt reject all forms of children's literature as it is all lies. Her lack of imagination is incredible and very sad for her kids.

Winebottle · 14/02/2018 22:44

"Thou shalt not lie" is a huge simplification taught to children who are not mature enough to understand complex ethical issues.

Everyone lies and you will lie to your kids. There many situations where it is acceptable to lie and it is a normal part of social interaction. They include not hurting other's feelings and batting away questions you don't want to answer.

No lying is not a principle that should be treated as absolute. If your children stuck to that, they would not function well socially.

I'm not sure that encouraging kids to live in a fantasy land is a good thing but I don't follow that through as far as father christmas. I think the world is amazing as it is. There is an endless supply of interesting things to learn and real stories from history so I don't really see the need to make things up.

feska5 · 14/02/2018 23:13

showme precisely! Very well said.

CrumbleBrag · 14/02/2018 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ski4130 · 14/02/2018 23:43

This is your first child? I remember well the rules of parenting I thought I'd never break. How I laugh at my smug ignorance now.