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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my future child lied to?

434 replies

cjferg · 14/02/2018 18:46

Dh and I agree we won't be lying to our soon to be born child about anything. We both know how much it can fuck any relationships up and undermine trust.

Massive argument with MIL recently about santa. She thinks we are being ridiculous to not want to tell a pointless lie more often than not used to control children's behaviour. I think there is enough beauty and 'magic' in the world already without making shit up. I'd rather teach them about that.

Also our kid is going to get lied to enough by everyone/thing else in life so why would we want to add more?

And lying to avoid awkward questions is just a lazy cop out. In this day and age a kid is probably going to find out about sex and stuff like that pretty young anyway and I'd rather tell them myself if they asked than them find out some half baked version from wherever else.

OP posts:
Tomorrowillbeachicken · 14/02/2018 23:44

Good luck with the whole being totally honest with a five or six year old.... some thoughts definitely need to remain unsaid.

robertaplumkin · 14/02/2018 23:48

ah, one of those parents who live in hollier than thou land because they aren't actually doing any parenting yet but know all there is to know nonetheless.

pop back in a few years op. Biscuit

AngelL7 · 14/02/2018 23:48

I’d have been really gutted if my parents hadn’t done Santa with me.., I look back with such fondness of a magical time

Nibblertron · 14/02/2018 23:50

@SpacePenguin

Rubbish, you do not tell your children all about the world’s evils at any age. You tailor it in an age-appropriate manner, drip-feeding it in a way they can understand and so as not to scare them. You educate them.

This requires you to lie by ommission.

sixteenapples · 14/02/2018 23:54

Patronising posts by women sneering at other women who are not mothers. Not nice.

My kids are late teens - early twenties. I did Father Christmas as a "story that people believe" rather than he is "real". Christmasses were always magical. I have always been as honest as possible and mostly the kids have thanked me for it.

AskBasil · 15/02/2018 00:08

"Kids just want to be the same as everyone else..."

Only if you bring them up to want that.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 15/02/2018 00:18

Apart from you planning three years ahead for a child that's not even born I think that it's reasonable to think as you do.I expect this will include you children being able to respect others choices too.Sogood luck with getting small children not to burst the Santa bubble for others because children so often parrot what their parents say.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2018 08:11

Kids “have no confidence issues when they’re small.”

Really? Perhaps you should explain that to little me, who felt out of place by 3 and hated herself by 5. Or all the other children, who feel that way.

And as for children not really wanting to fit in until they find out a better way. Good luck with that one. I desperately wanted to fit in. Good job I never learnt about suicide and self harm when I was younger. I got some modicum of control over my life through food... or rather not eating.

Hopefully your arrogance and surety will wear off in the next couple of years. I thoroughly recommend you socialise with lots of parents. You need some perspective.

Someoneasdumbasthis · 15/02/2018 08:15

Ah brilliant. Sanctimonious parenting from someone who isn't a parent yet! Seriously.

Come back in a few years when you've wised up OP.

AJPTaylor · 15/02/2018 08:23

Youve had a massive argument about Santa?

No one should argue about Santa. Youll end up on the wrong list and get coal instead of presents.

thegreylady · 15/02/2018 08:34

When my then 9 year old dgd asked about Santa she said:
“Have you been lying to me all this time?”
“Yes sort of..”
“It was a lovely lie wasn’t it?”
“It was. “
“When I grow up I’m going to tell my children that same lie. We can all pretend we believe it again”.
Background, dgd has a Turkish mum and lives in Turkey so the Santa story came from my ds and was reinforced by me. Ddil loved the tree and the stockings and was very happy to go along. The story had to go when dgd asked why Santa didn’t come to her friends!
I remember when she was 4 taking 20 small filled stockings to her pre school. The teacher let me hand them out when I collected dgd on Christmas Eve. The most harmless lie ever...

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 15/02/2018 08:53

AskBasil: friends I have who have alternative lifestyles, or no/few boundaries, have children desperate to be like everyone else.

OP - Santa is the least of your problems. Worry about social media and gadgets.

fearfultrill · 15/02/2018 08:54

I'm just thinking back to when I was a child imagining it I had been the only one at school who couldn't join in all the fun because 'Santa wasn't a thing in our house!'

I think that in doing this sort of thing you're setting them up to be excluded a bit. Fair enough Santa can have a smaller/bigger role but to tell children from the outset sets them aside from classmates

AskBasil · 15/02/2018 09:00

ohforfoxsake that's what I mean.

They're bringing them up like that, whether they know it or not.

Having no boundaries is not a recipe for a confident child.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 15/02/2018 09:15

...says the woman with no kids. Good luck with that

Absolutely horrible. Can't you make a point without sneering and being patronising?

1099 · 15/02/2018 09:44

Hi OP;
Have read most of the thread, I can see you've adjusted your stance somewhat and the reality of parenting is just that, you will spend the next years compromising; things you currently believe to be set in stone will be put into real life perspective, there's another thread somewhere (primary education I think) where a young girl told her friend her breath smelt stinky, absolute truth but she ended up getting a yellow card, there are lots of instances where telling the absolute truth is not the best course, and others where it is essential. You sound as if you had a bad experience with this in your life but that doesn't mean you need to overcompensate for your own child. Honestly most of the time you don't even need to lie you can just disassemble and construct your answer in a way which sits easy with you but doesn't hurt your child.

Noluthando · 15/02/2018 11:27

You're parenting will develop alongside your child. you may change your minds about lots of things, I did.Do the best for your family.

Noluthando · 15/02/2018 11:27

Your

LadyintheRadiator · 15/02/2018 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cutesbabasmummy · 15/02/2018 11:34

Don't do it if you don't want to. But I think most people on here will disagree. We have Father Christmas and the joy on our nearly 3 year old's face when he saw the "footprints" and that the reindeer had eaten his carrot was absolutely wonderful. Do you believe in God? If you don't and don't want to lie to your child, you could always dispense with Christmas altogether and Easter too.

LaurieMarlow · 15/02/2018 11:39

God I love threads like these. Truly the best parents of all time are those with no kids.

Anyway, I'm deeply attached to the myth of Santa. It teaches lots of bigger truths beyond literal fact. I think it's sad that others can't see this, but ultimately not my circus, not my monkeys and all that.

FlippingFoal · 15/02/2018 12:01

I've not read any other posts but your child is going to be the one to spoil christmas for every other child. He's not exactly going to popular with his peers. Great way to alienate him...

Pfftkids · 15/02/2018 12:13

Children grow up far to fast in this day and age. Let your little one enjoy the magic of Christmas, they don't believe for long.

I'm really grateful to my parents for the little bit of magic they brought to my childhood. I have a 15 year old and 11 year old. They both know he's not real now but still play along because for the run up to Christmas it feels like anything they wish for could come true. Don't give your child the reality of life so young

Paddington68 · 15/02/2018 12:16

Massive argument about Santa.
Let's just keep reading that.

alotalotalot · 15/02/2018 12:28

I've got to say that I did feel a bit uneasy about the whole lie thing with Santa, as I too was very determined not to ever lie to my child. I couldn't bear having them miss out on the fun of believing so we did go along with it all - I never ever used it as a way to control behaviour though. Not once. And Santa only delivered the presents we had bought and sent him so he was only ever a delivery service and we got the credit for presents. Magic was limited.

Unfortunately because I never lied to my kids in general, they did absolutely believe, which was great when they were younger, but it did traumatise my Dd at 11, when I had to explain he wasn't real. For a while it pulled the rug from under her feet and made her question what else we had lied about. It rocked her world a bit. Now she understands and is grateful that we did it though.

In retrospect would I do it again? Yes I would because the magic is so wonderful for a small child but I wouldn't be quite so convincing. There needed to be more holes in the story so they could work it out themselves and I'd perhaps shrug or tell them the truth or something, rather than say "what do you think?", when they asked if he was real. By limiting my lying, I inadvertently made it more realistic. I would go the whole - he makes all the toys in his workshop shebang - if I were to do it again so they work it out themselves by the time they are 7/8 ish. Instead of telling them he has lots of helpers in the stores etc because I didn't like the magic aspect, I'd let them think he got everywhere magically so they can work it out quicker themselves. In fact just full on, over the top lying.

I do think it is sad if children never get the chance to experience the magic of Christmas. They now look back on Christmas with wonderful memories. It was worth the lying, despite the blip we had. I continue to adhere to my "never lying to them mantra" in all other aspects of life.