Page 13 | To not want my future child lied to?

cjferg · 2018-02-14T18:46:57+00:00

Dh and I agree we won't be lying to our soon to be born child about anything. We both know how much it can fuck any relationships up and undermine trust. Massive argument with MIL recently about santa. She thinks we are being ridiculous to not want to tell a pointless lie more often than not used to control children's behaviour. I think there is enough beauty and 'magic' in the world already without making shit up. I'd rather teach them about that. Also our kid is going to get lied to enough by everyone/thing else in life so why would we want to add more? And lying to avoid awkward questions is just a lazy cop out. In this day and age a kid is probably going to find out about sex and stuff like that pretty young anyway and I'd rather tell them myself if they asked than them find out some half baked version from wherever else.

duckingfisaster · 14/02/2018 21:33

Oh how we laughed!

Literally zero point in thinking about this shit until you are on the other side of the parent fence OP.

Also you'd be setting your kid up for being the most unpopular kid in school (both with kids and parents). You really want them to be the kid who ruined Christmas? Or are you going to encourage them to lie to the other kids (ah the irony) from a young age.

Seriously you'll look back at this and cringe.

Wdigin2this · 14/02/2018 21:35

Ilostit totally agree, especially when the people doing the re-inventing, aren't even parents yet!!

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 14/02/2018 21:35

‘I just wanted to fit in most of my young life’.

Kind of my point OP.

Catkins0877 · 14/02/2018 21:39

I think you are making the assumption that your son will feel the same way you do about the world and your traumas maybe? Your son will be a different person than you or your husband worth different perspectives I think because your already making the effort to change things.Try not to worry.I told mine that Santa want real when they asked me but was more than happy to let them believe otherwise till then.:) my mil is/was a great great help to me all my life.I'd advise choose your battles for what it's worth.

NewMummy579 · 14/02/2018 21:39

Ps - pre and post children are VERY different things. I swore my baby never needed to know the taste of chocolate and refined sugar or watch TV- have spent the evening persuading my 15 month old to have some ice cream and chocolate buttons whilst watching baby TV during a nasty tummy bug just so he has ate something in the last 2 days!

Wdigin2this · 14/02/2018 21:40

Ducking I can see it now...
OP's child: There is no FC, you thickys!'
Other kids : Yes there is, you nasty *** we don't want to play with you!' Biff, biff wallop....wahhhhhhh!

WooWooSister · 14/02/2018 21:40

I read OPs like this and wonder if I had time to worry about such nonsense before I had DC. But I genuinely don't remember having arguments with relatives about hypothetical children believing in a hypothetical present givers (or Santa as we call him here).

Babipotjam · 14/02/2018 21:40

Lying is a part of everyday life whether you admit it or not.
Take this scenario:

Your lovely little one makes a art ‘masterpiece ‘ they love it and want to show it to you... really it’s a red splodge on a page.... you’re telling me you will be honest and say oh I don’t like it or it’s not good because you can only tell the truth.

That can be as crushing as lying.

fishybits · 14/02/2018 21:43

I was the best parent in the world ever..... until I had a child.

Now I muddle along occasionally lying to my DD to keep the magic of fairytales and another better, more exciting world than this alive. Will she hate me when she's older? I doubt it.

Laurel543 · 14/02/2018 21:45

Precisely Ducking!
I used to talk exactly like this and am cringing now thinking about it 😬

ShowMePotatoSalad · 14/02/2018 21:46

Argh, it's February and I'm feeling Christmassy. This is not good.

Tell you what gives me goosebumps, the poem The Night Before Christmas

Particularly the bit about the reindeer flying away,

and away they all flew like the down of a thistle

shivers with joy

Luckycatsplat · 14/02/2018 21:46

I think christmas aside, there is definately a difference between LYING and being age appropriate.

We don't let DD watch the news but as kids do she picks up on things. Somehow she'd heard about a suicide bomber (only she didn't use those words) and so we explained that sometimes people feel sad or angry and they think they can make other people listen by hurting them. Then we talked about when one of her friends got upset and hit someone. We discussed about how it's not right and what we can do differently, in terms she understood.

Her questions were answered truthfully but in a non scary way. She skipped off and probably completely forgot about the discussion.

Compare that to me and my parents. I was terrified of the IRA because I had got myself all confused about half heard news stories. My parents thinking they were protecting me refused to discuss it. I would lie in bed every night scared and planning how to escape if the IRA burst into our home or what to do if a bomb went off under our car. That could have been so easily stopped!

Then again, they still tell me that Father Christmas will only come if I've been good!

Mulberry72 · 14/02/2018 21:48

ODFOD

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 14/02/2018 21:49

Yes,agreed I don’t lie to my kids,I disavowed them of Santa,tooth fairy
We care not for capitalism,so no mass produced toys,or patriarchal dolls
I give the kids a bag of string,and a glass of tap water as a treat

I make them use anatomically correct words for body
I instruct them to masticate slowly,oh how the barista stared when I bellowed that in the fair trade coffeehouse

They’ll thank me for it when they’re older

GruffaloPants · 14/02/2018 21:50

Wide eyed 4yo "do you like the card I made you, Mummy?"
OP "no, you can't draw for shit, it is poorly-spelled, and the sentiments are derivative".

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 14/02/2018 21:50

My mother was like you, though dad put his foot down over Santa. When I asked, age 5, she was quite happy to tell me the truth. I'm quite sad she didn't keep the magic going at least a couple more years.

Things like Santa and the Tooth Fairy are also a good way to help your children develop their own critical thinking skills and find flaws in arguments. Thinking that everyone always tells the truth is a dangerous path to start on...

Katedotness1963 · 14/02/2018 21:51

Yes, I too was a perfect parent until I actually had kids. No lies, ever? Best of British, that's going to be a hard one to live up to.

ScienceIsTruth · 14/02/2018 21:51

YANBU.
I actually didn't want to perpetuate the Father Christmas myth either as I was so upset when I found out it wasn't real and wondered what else my parents had lied to me about (think I was between 10-12yo). This was decades ago though!

I was really upset for weeks, as it felt like all the magic had disappeared from the world overnight and it suddenly felt like a very bleak place.

I do have Aspergers though, so maybe that's why I took it harder than most kids.

I sometimes still wish stuff like that was real as life can sometimes be so hard, and some magic would be nice.

I was actually "out-voted" by family and partner and went along with it once we had children, but it has never sat comfortably with me and I've dreaded telling them the truth.

Basically, I'm saying that I can see where you're cooking from, but not sure what you should do for the best. I can say that my children have loved, and been entranced by, the magic of it all, and their personalities are such that they wouldn't have been able to keep it a secret from other children.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 14/02/2018 21:53

To be fair. I really, really regret starting the whole fucking Easter Bunny lie. It was entirely my own doing and running around the garden in my PJs in the damp morning before they wake up to lay the trail is one of my worst ideas. I’ve been doing it for 14 years. Every. Sodding. Easter. Sunday. Maybe OP is onto something... 😄

SapphireChickenLover · 14/02/2018 21:53

I think you are correct . After a few children, I regret this Father Christmas nonsense. Suddenly your children ask why you haven’t bought them anything, then tell you that their friends’ parents buy them things, and only some come from Father Christmas.
Do what you want ....and dont get me started on that stupid Elf ridiculous rigmarole.

Just tell your child other people’s parents make up the Father Christmas story, so they best not tell them..

ScienceIsTruth · 14/02/2018 21:54

I've always been honest (age appropriately) about sex, death and most other things though.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 14/02/2018 21:54

art, yes I tell the children your motorskills are poor,the execution is clumsy

SpareASquare · 14/02/2018 21:56

..but I feel like too many people lie to children so they can have an easy life
So? More than happy to tell the children there are no biscuits/choc/crisps left. There are a gazillion variations to make my life easier. You, who has no children, are really making a judgement on that?? Fuck off.
Your issues clearly go deeper and you really should deal with them properly before having children. You say that not lying holds the key to a happier childhood than you had but that's just not true. Dealing with the issues you are still affected by is.

Original poster

cjferg · 14/02/2018 21:56

MiaowMix
Just to clarify, child does exist and will very soon be born. That's the only reason it came into conversation. We said, in no nasty way at all, not even mentioning her, that we won't be telling our kid santa is real and she took this as a personal attack on her because she did do that and proceeded to defend herself and say we were wrong.

AnnieAnoniMouse
I'm not completely close minded. I've already said fair point about some illness. I also get that you shouldn't tell a child they sound shit when they've played violin for all of a month, or that their drawing is terrible or whatever, and that obviously some lies are worse than others. Santa is not just a white lie. It's taught to kids that this bastardised version of something that has real roots and meaning, will bring them presents if they are good and it's repeated as fact every year until they either call the bullshit or someone else does for them.

How many kids even care about Christmas except for presents, being off school, and eating chocolate at 6am? (genuine question)

Anyway I am done with this for now. Goodnight everyone!

OP posts:

Original poster

cjferg · 14/02/2018 21:59

MiaowMix
Just to clarify, child does exist and will very soon be born. That's the only reason it came into conversation. We said, in no nasty way at all, not even mentioning her, that we won't be telling our kid santa is real and she took this as a personal attack on her because she did do that and proceeded to defend herself and say we were wrong.

AnnieAnoniMouse
I'm not completely close minded. I've already said fair point about some illness. I also get that you shouldn't tell a child they sound shit when they've played violin for all of a month, or that their drawing is terrible or whatever, and that obviously some lies are worse than others. Santa is not just a white lie. It's taught to kids that this bastardised version of something that has real roots and meaning, will bring them presents if they are good and it's repeated as fact every year until they either call the bullshit or someone else does for them.

OP posts: