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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my future child lied to?

434 replies

cjferg · 14/02/2018 18:46

Dh and I agree we won't be lying to our soon to be born child about anything. We both know how much it can fuck any relationships up and undermine trust.

Massive argument with MIL recently about santa. She thinks we are being ridiculous to not want to tell a pointless lie more often than not used to control children's behaviour. I think there is enough beauty and 'magic' in the world already without making shit up. I'd rather teach them about that.

Also our kid is going to get lied to enough by everyone/thing else in life so why would we want to add more?

And lying to avoid awkward questions is just a lazy cop out. In this day and age a kid is probably going to find out about sex and stuff like that pretty young anyway and I'd rather tell them myself if they asked than them find out some half baked version from wherever else.

OP posts:
alotalotalot · 15/02/2018 12:34

it's something some people believe in and that's fine (like Jesus)

I used that one. Unfortunately that made it all the more believable long term to them too.
Just do the over the top lying that they can see holes in.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/02/2018 12:34

It's worth being aware that a young child's perception of fantasy and reality is a world away from an adult's perspective. The line between real and made up characters is blurred. It's common for a young child to have an imaginary friend or to be scared of monsters under the bed.

That's not a bad thing. Children have fantastic imaginations and love imaginative play.
I think it's a mistake to treat young children as adults and insist on the bald truth at all times.

Children also soon develop sceptism and begin to question concepts themselves. Just as they love a game where the floor has turned to lava or they're a princess fighting a dragon, they love playing along with the whole exciting idea of Santa.

BoredOnMatLeave · 15/02/2018 12:38

Come back when you have a toddler. White lies such as " I will leave without you if you don't put your shoes on" are going to destroy their lives.

crispsandgin · 15/02/2018 12:39

Dh and I agree we won't be lying to our soon to be born child about anything. We both know how much it can fuck any relationships up and undermine trust

Can you imagine that kid? "No dear its not a nice picture, it looks nothing like an elephant and you are terrible at art" "Darling, its not the taking part that counts and you couldn't win a race if you life depended on it, you run like cooked spaghetti".
That will be a great relationship with epic trust won't it?

UserSnoozer · 15/02/2018 12:54

You're blaming your parents lying to u about Santa as the cause for you lying and fucking your own life up. Yeah ok op

Urubu · 15/02/2018 12:58

Haha we are not lying to the DC either, this is what life is like:

DC: why is this man pictured in the papers?
Me: he kidnapped and killed someone and now he has been arrested
DC: could I be kidnapped and killed???
Me: yes. We try to protect you,'but it is always a possibility.

DC: why do you drink wine?
Me: because I need to relax after your nth tantrum of the day

DC: can I hold this vase?
Me: I'd rather not
DC: why?
Me: because I don't trust you enough not to drop it.

Grin
BertrandRussell · 15/02/2018 13:15

It's really really wrong to let them keep believing in Father Chistmas after about 6 or 7.

SheilaTurnip · 15/02/2018 13:21

I'm not having kids because well .. I'm 'broken' but I knew I would never do santa claus

KalaLaka · 15/02/2018 13:23

BertrandRussell why this particular age? Why wrong?

Desperatelyseekingsun · 15/02/2018 13:46

I can't see the issue in letting DC believe in Santa during primary school, some will, some won't. Some will choose to suspend their critical thinking skills, others will want to ascertain the truth. There isn't one right way for a human to approach thinking about belief.
I am an atheist but I wouldn't approach a faith believer and state, "Right, you are older than 7 enough of believing this stuff"

OutyMcOutface · 15/02/2018 13:51

I must admit I would assume that if a seven year old believed in Father Christmas that I would assume that they were lying to get presents (I did, I don't ever remember actually believing in him but I liked the idea as a fun story and obviously I didn't feel the need to point out to my parents that he couldn't be real).

Geronimooooo · 15/02/2018 13:53

We never did Santa as a kid and I ended up fine 😂

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/02/2018 14:02

I remember tentatively broaching the Santa subject when mine were around 8 or 9 only to be told Yes we know he's not real mum! You always use the wrapping paper in the cupboard, we know it's you and dad. We just want to carry on with our stockings anyway! Grin
Most children gradually piece the clues together themselves.

crispsandgin · 15/02/2018 14:10

It's really really wrong to let them keep believing in Father Chistmas after about 6 or 7

It isn't, not that it's your business what other families do.

Sparklesocks · 15/02/2018 14:35

Bear in mind where your little DC is at nursery/school they'll be telling all the other kids that Santa isn't real, as mummy and daddy told them so!
So as long as you're happy with being that mum at the school gates..

BertrandRussell · 15/02/2018 14:42

Because after about 6/7 you start actively having to keep it going. They ask questions which you actively have to give untrue answers to. And you have to tell them that the things they have worked out using their reason and intelligence are not right. And it starts being all about the parents at that age anyway. Father Christmas still visits us and my children are 16 and 21. We still have stockings and all the lovely things, of course.

LittleLostLion · 15/02/2018 14:48

Plenty of children don’t believe in the Easter Bunny, Father Christmas etc. No they don’t ruin it for everyone :-)

FlippingFoal · 15/02/2018 14:57

Plenty of children don’t believe in the Easter Bunny, Father Christmas etc. No they don’t ruin it for everyone :-)

A child who's parents told the truth to their child ruined it for my sister aged 6. I lost my belief naturally but she was really traumatised.

crispsandgin · 15/02/2018 14:58

Because after about 6/7 you start actively having to keep it going. They ask questions which you actively have to give untrue answers to. And you have to tell them that the things they have worked out using their reason and intelligence are not right. And it starts being all about the parents at that age anyway

Thats not remotely my experience. How about you do your kids and I'll do mine and we'll give everyone else the same courtesy and not make such stupid sweeping generalisations, hey?

BertrandRussell · 15/02/2018 15:09

I think it's wrong to suppress a child's intellectual curiosity. You obviously don't. Up to you

crispsandgin · 15/02/2018 15:12

I don't agree that it does, at all. Your premise is faulty, and your assumptions are wrong.

CakeOfThePan · 15/02/2018 15:17

I don’t lie to my children, they ask i answer in an honest age appropriate way.
But my god I fill their world with as much magic as I can, life is shit. If I can just give it a bit more sparkle for them I will. We do Father Christmas, elf on the shelf, tooth fairies, fairies in the garden the whole lot. It’s lovely. It’s not a behaviour control just a way to make life enjoyable

Estellanpip · 15/02/2018 15:22

Oh god I said the same thing when I was really young and pregnant with my first. I also wasn't going to have chocolate in the house, ever.
I look back and have to laugh! Sorry OP.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/02/2018 15:24

I am a bit uncomfortable with the elaborate lengths some parents go to in order to convince their dc that start to question the idea of Santa.

Tracking Santa's progress on the computer, far fetched tales to explain his existence or telling children that security cameras in shops are Father Christmas -cam monitoring children's behaviour? Grin

I think if they start to question things, just keep it vague- some people believe in him, some don't..that sort of thing rather than bending over backwards to keep them believing it's real.

Caroelle · 15/02/2018 15:30

We explained the basics of how babies are made to my son when he was 4 in relation to questions he had asked. To him the question was no different to why the dinosaurs died out or where does the son go at night. We did the same with my daughter. Both were surprised that their friends don’t know, and have always had a very pragmatic view of sex. At 4 my son also decided that Santa wasn’t real because there was no way that we would let a strange man in his bedroom at night.