Can someone be too fertile?

[ByTheBlueBay]

I was on the pill for 6 years before I came off it. We conceived DD when we didn't use a condom once. Literally, once. I know once is all it takes but it was a shock.

Anyway since having DD we always used a condom. However it wasn't used straight away, there'd be a few pumps first (TMI). We'd only have sex once a month or so but I still managed to fall pregnant on DH's precum.

Am I super fertile? I had a termination and we haven't had sex since. I'm too scared. I'm considering the implant but I'm not sure how the hormones will affect me with depression and anxiety.

How about you've really upset me (you haven't). You're 23 already have one child and a loving partner wanting a baby with you. You're suffering awful losses now but you've already proved you can carry a baby to term and you've got another 15 or more years to have children. I'm days off 40, 3 miscarriages and probably will never have a child.

Why isn't it insensitive of you to be talking about your circumstances which are already more fortunate than mine?

You spoke in extremely graphic and distressing detail about a miscarriage on one of your threads. How about if I popped on there and said 'this is really reminding me of my own miscarriages, I want you to apologise for posting it' that wouldn't be okay would it?

Harvey the only consolation in my circumstances is my age (at least I have time to sort it out) and my son. That being said, I still have no idea if my problem will get sorted.

But I recognise I’m in a more fortunate position than some, and for that I am thankful.

I’m also quite sure I posted something like “warning, graphic” on that thread, precisely so that anyone who would be upset by it would know before reading it.

No. You've spoken about it on many threads and went into extremely graphic, gory and distressing detail on your thread titled 'AIBU to think my Drs have deliberately refused to see me'. The title of which gives no indication of the horrific description you went on to make (and I am sorry you went through that, went through similar myself).

You got loads of support from kind posters. So I ask again, if I went on there and said 'this is distressing me and I think you should apologise for posting'. That would be reasonable would it? What you posted was far, far more distressing than the OPs lack of knowledge of clinical terms.

Can you not see that you've been in the wrong and hypocritical?

And it's good that you're thankful you're in a more fortunate position than some. Should you be expected to apologise to those who are not? No. Didn't think so.

If I didn’t put a warning on it, and someone was upset by it, then yeah I’d apologise for upsetting them. Takes two minutes and is kind.

ByTheBlueBay
This isn't sympathy top trumps @TheCatsPaws. Is sounds like it is you who needs to grow up.

Don't be bitchy.

When people show sympathy and support for the terrible time that you are having...im assuming the POLITE thing to do is say thank you or atleast acknowledge their sympathies.

I don't think you thanked anyone for them acknowledging and sympathising that what you are experiencing is terrible...you did however thank those few people that 100% agreed with your argument.

See how silly it can get?

Harvey
Thanks for you post. It really warmed my heart. I’ve never really got over only being able to have one child and I suffer greatly from the health consequences of ivf and having borne my lovely dd. I do also want to recognise how especially magnanimous your messages are as you struggle with your own fertility. I really hope you find your way to becoming a mum. You have so much emotional intelligence and wisdom to bring to the next generation.

Sorry my above 3 posts were @thecatspaws

Mummy - being a usual non-crier I'm a bit ashamed to say that has made me well up! That's a lovely thing to say and I'll screen shot your post and keep it. I usually don't think what strangers on the internet say (unless they're being awful) matters. But your post means a great deal to me. Thank you and your DD is very lucky to have you. I wish it had been easier for you to get there

Even if the OP had said 'I must be the most fertile person in the world, my DP came in a sock and I touched it and had triplets' it makes NO difference at all to the infertility of other people and is not insensitive or offensive on an open anonymous internet forum
Of course her saying what she likes makes no difference to the fertility of other people.
However, to me at least it's not particularly considerate to suggest that someone conceiving by having unprotected sex is some sort of surprise caused by their own amazing fertility powers.

The same as it isn't insensitive on a forum to post that you earn a 6 figure salary when other people are earning 15 grand.
Of course that isn't insensitive. Just like someone conceiving quickly talking about how excited they are isn't insensitive (and i have no issue at all with baby chat)

But 'i had unprotected sex and i'm so surprised by a pregnancy. I must be super fertile' is more like 'i earn a six figure salary and it's entirely down to how hard i work and how good i am as a person'.

There will be many people working hard who won't earn 6 figure salaries. Part of getting to that place is luck, prior educational experiences, opportunities coming up at the right time, knowing the right people as well as hard work and talent.
Same for pregnancy. Someone may get pregnant first shot. Good on them. But that's not because they have some awesome power. It's just clearly it was the right time for it to happen.

I'm not some sort of 'never discuss babies' person. I just find it irritating when people claim surprise when not using contraception (or not using it properly) and/or claim it might be because they have some kind of intrinsic fairy dust

Too fertile? No. Too relaxed about contraception? Yes.

TheCatsPaws - you might say 'sorry it upset you' but would you apologise for posting it? Which is what you wanted from the OP. Would you agree to the suggestion it be deleted because it upset someone? which was what was suggested about this thread.

Or would you think it's an internet forum and some things are going to be upsetting to other people but that is their own painful issue to deal with and they shouldn't be expecting other people to not talk about issues that affect them or alter their language or suddenly have knowledge that they didn't have previously?

Everyone has problems and heartache and pain. Some more than others. People have to realise that most of us are just doing the best we can day by day and that the actions, thoughts and behaviours of other people really aren't about YOU and whatever you're going through at all.

Maisy -

But 'i had unprotected sex and i'm so surprised by a pregnancy. I must be super fertile' is more like 'i earn a six figure salary and it's entirely down to how hard i work and how good i am as a person'.

That's a completely ridiculous comparison. Can you not see the difference? The OP wasn't saying oh aren't I special, I conceive without trying and look at all my beautiful children. She was saying this was a fucking shit situation that led her to terminate and was negatively effecting her life. Which you and others seemed to ignore in your statements that she was 'bragging' and being insensitive. She got pregnant in a set of circumstances where the odds were stacked against conception and she wondered why.

If someone posted on here saying ' I want a baby and we have sex once a month and he never ejaculates inside me'. People would say, well you could get pregnant of course but it's unlikely, wouldn't they?

Harvey. Don’t be ashamed for that. I regularly cry and welled up too at your post - silly billy that I am. It’s just part of my make up. Thank you for your words. They also mean a great deal to me. 😘

The only real insensitivity I see on this thread is by those who are ignoring or dismissing the mental health issues the OP stated having in her first post. It's being ignored or played down as unimportant just so some people can justify having a go at her, over their own personal issues with their own fertility.

The insensitivity people display for those struggling with mental illness is the reason why I tell very few people IRL that I have Bipolar Disorder I.

No one can be perfect all the time, sometimes people mess up with birth control and get pregnant with a child they aren't capable of taking care of for one reason or another. The fact that depression was dismissed by some as not being a good enough reason to get an abortion is disgusting and ignorant.

You would think the OP said "I just killed 10 people." based on how OTT and aggressive many responses were over being careless a few times with birth control and being less knowledgeable about fertility then some others.

I would guess that most people who haven't had fertility issues themselves or had a close friend or family member struggle with fertility, are less knowledgeable then people who have struggled with fertility.

GreatScottie18
Personally, i think your analogy overstates but then others think mine was.

ignoring or dismissing the mental health issues the OP stated having in her first post. It's being ignored or played down as unimportant just so some people can justify having a go at her
Or people have said 'this is the issue i have with speculating about super fertility as an idea. Unprotected sex has a chance of pregnancy' and that's what people have been discussing in return.

I am more than capable of thinking it's annoying and insensitive for people (and i have said this is my general view not specific to OP) to act like pregnancy is a surprise when they choose to have unprotected sex.
(I also observed that when an unplanned pregnancy happens and the father is unsure thr standard response is 'if he didn't want a baby then he should have worn a condom or had a vasectomy' even if thr baby occured due to the pill not working because people say "don't put it in if you're not up for a baby".

Now people may cope with the fall out of an unplanned pregnancy in different ways. Some may really struggle. Others get on fine. However, the fact remains that to me when anyone chooses to not use protection and they conceive this is not a random occurance, nor is it a surprise, nor is it some fertility magic fairy dust.

I am now reporting this thread. The bullying is becoming intolerable.

mummy
I'm not sure why that needs announcing.
It is not bullying to explain to another poster why something has been considered insensitive by some posters.
It is not bullying for me to clarify to other posters that I find any references to surprise pregancies due to no contraception to be annoying and insensitive (especially if linked to claims of unusual fertility) because they are hardly surprises and happen as a result of unprotected sex not magic fertility dust. It isn't bullying to explain that was the logic behind my earlier reaction (especially after i apologised for thinking i was on the pregnancy board).
Equally i clarified i have zero issue with baby talk and wouldn't say people should never discuss babies for fear of offending. That is not bullying.
That is explaining my personal view that linking pregnancy caused by unprotrcted sex to someone being unusually fertile is insensitive and not a surprising outcome. Stating that is not bullying.

I was actually talking about what GreatScottie has said. And I stand by what I said to you upthread. You have not liked it at all when you’ve felt singled out on education threads. But have no qualms in doing the same now to op.

I didn't come on MN for nearly a year and I think I'm probably going to step away from it again. Every time I come back this place has gotten worse.

It used to be a kinder more supportive place. Where posters were encouraged to be gentle. When I was as struggling with the early days of DD and had no support irl (very critical family) this place was quite literally a lifeline for me. Without it I don't know if I would have got DDs silent reflux diagnosed for e.g.

This thread has gone severely down hill with bitchy fighting and over analysis about he said she said.

I don't think people are being oversensiive to draw the OPs attention to the fact that in fertility terms hyper fertility actually means something medically and to use it in a flippant way is insensitive.

Just the other day I saw a thread about OCD where posters were complaining how they hated the casual way people say "oh I'm so tidy I just be OCD lol"
When to them OCD is a debilitating mental illness.

I don't think pouting that out is expecting special snowflake status, it's just education and spreading awareness isn't it?

I just wish everyone from big sides could post in a more gentle and respectful way. Rather than this sort of aggressive "I can say what I want and if it offends you then just fuck off the thread!" Style of posting.

But that seems to be MN (and the world at large) these days.

A little kindness goes a long way. As they say, In a world where you can be anything, be kind

Excuse typos