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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this amount too low? Or is she just being horrible.

200 replies

lovecomfythings · 13/02/2018 18:22

My dh's ex keeps sending him really horrible, vile messages saying that he doesn't pay enough for his children. She makes him out to be a terrible person and in my opinion the messages are pretty abusive.

He pays her £550 a month for two children and has them two evenings in the week and on Sundays but they rarely stay over. This is a large proportion of his income and he doesn't have much left over. She earns a good wage, has her partners income, child benefits and no child care costs. She claims she is destitute.

But the way she says things with such venom show that she really believes he is a terrible deadbeat who pays the minimum. Is the amount too low? The way she goes on about it I'm starting to question myself.
He's starting to feel quite down about it, the comments putting him down are affecting his self esteem and he thinks he's a bad dad (despite nothing I see suggesting so!). We feel quite anxious never knowing when another abusive rant is coming in.

The thing is though she's as nice as pie in person. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. But I don't know how I will make polite convo with her knowing that she sends my Dh these awful messages. I am shy though and hate arguments so would always be polite to her anyway.

So do you think this amount is ok?

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 14/02/2018 22:07

@worridmum what a pile of shit you are spewing.

OP your DP could have his DC overnight if he wanted to. He just didn't want to enough.

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 14/02/2018 22:20

Lookatyourwatchnow

The comment you have just made is unneccessarily nasty.

I would be willing to bet mother would be furious and obstructive if he tried to get overnight contact, as she very clearly is motivated by money (specifically how much she can get). She would likely lose, granted, but it would not be without a battle, and it would cost money, potentially a lot.

Read the posts before throwing in stupid and ignorant comments. The mother does not want to reduce her maintenance, overnight access = reduced maintenance. She is hardly going to smile and agree.

There may be a reason why overnight access is NOT in the best interests of the children at this particular point in time. Perhaps Dad recognises that. There could be many factors.

Wind your neck in. If you have nothing helpful to say and are only interested in making offensive comments you should perhaps reserve your nastiness for a situation that warrants it. And think before you type.

lovecomfythings · 14/02/2018 22:28

@Lookatyourwatchnow yeah obviously he doesn't want to see his kids, that's why he has them 3 times per week Hmm

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/02/2018 22:29

@Lookatyourwatchnow how about you stop assuming and making up crap.

Backtoblack1 · 14/02/2018 22:29

Why doesn’t he have them overnight? Will she allow it? If not then she’s probably after what she can claim.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/02/2018 22:30

@Backtoblack1 RTFT it has been mentioned why a few times.

lovecomfythings · 14/02/2018 22:30

I don't really want to answer any more about the overnight thing. It wasn't what I was asking and I have already answered about it

OP posts:
Backtoblack1 · 14/02/2018 22:32

Ok. I’m tired and didnt read the whole thread!!!

Backtoblack1 · 14/02/2018 22:32

This place gets on my tits at times!

Backtoblack1 · 14/02/2018 22:34

And I actually agree that he could have his kids overnight if he really wanted to. He needs to grow some balls!!!

lovecomfythings · 14/02/2018 22:34

Sorry not trying to be mean @Backtoblack1 just wasn't what I was asking and have had a lot of the same questions

OP posts:
lovecomfythings · 14/02/2018 22:35

Well that's just lovely

OP posts:
Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 14/02/2018 22:39

Backtoblack

So you think she is probably after what she can claim??

Really? No shit sherlock.

lovecomfythings · 14/02/2018 22:41

I honestly think this should stop now. I've had some great advice and support but don't need more stress or arguments. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Backtoblack1 · 14/02/2018 22:44

Well done Moriarty...he could still have his kids overnight then she could stop whinging on here. Tara now 👍🏼

lovecomfythings · 14/02/2018 22:49

I'm not whinging. Having them overnight wouldn't stop the issue. The issue is her sending him abusive messages and demanding more money. That wouldn't stop if he had them overnight because 1. He would pay her less and 2. She doesn't want him to have them overnight.
Actually having them overnight would be no bother for us. We have the room and would like this to happen. It's the rest that goes with it that's the problem.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/02/2018 22:55

Backtoblack1

ODFID

Waratah · 14/02/2018 22:58

HM

lovecomfythings · 14/02/2018 22:58

What is odfid and hm?

OP posts:
Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 14/02/2018 23:13

Backtoblack
I did laugh but even so, stick to the day job 😂😂.

OP
You are getting sidetracked by justifying things around the overnight issue yet you don't need to. You shouldn't get drawn in.
Some people are having a go at you, directly or otherwise. Those same people also generally can't be bothered reading the thread, which is fair enough, but then they make stupid and ignorant comments. And you end up repeating yourself. It is irritating. Just ignore it.

Don't be bullied by the mother. And always keep a record of contact. People are capable of all manner of nonsense when it comes to money (or specifically, the threat of losing some). Selective hearing, apparent loss of memory, restricing contact, destroying items purchaeed by NRP, stalking, malice, false allegations, violence, little lies, paranoia, full blown perjury.

Sorry if that worries you but keeping the peace works sometimes but unless you want to walk on egshells for the next decade being firm is sometimes the best option. I have seen it all and records of any contact / harassment can become very important in the long run.

RandomMess · 14/02/2018 23:26

It's just really SadI would be seeking fixed (overnight) contact and pay CMS amount then block her.

Tell him to google grey rock technique...

Backtoblack1 · 14/02/2018 23:29

Don’t mention overnight contact FFS. That would be totally unreasonable and tantamount to keyboard warrior offence of the highest order.

👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
😂😂😂

Backtoblack1 · 14/02/2018 23:33

And my day job does include reading the works of Arthur Conan Doyle 😘😘😘

lovecomfythings · 14/02/2018 23:40

Goodnight. Can people not reply anymore. Thank you. Bye x

OP posts:
Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 14/02/2018 23:44

Backtoblack
I guessed as much. I was more suggesting you are no Billy Connolly 😂😂
Nite Nite, sorry i mean Night Night, Miss

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