Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this amount too low? Or is she just being horrible.

200 replies

lovecomfythings · 13/02/2018 18:22

My dh's ex keeps sending him really horrible, vile messages saying that he doesn't pay enough for his children. She makes him out to be a terrible person and in my opinion the messages are pretty abusive.

He pays her £550 a month for two children and has them two evenings in the week and on Sundays but they rarely stay over. This is a large proportion of his income and he doesn't have much left over. She earns a good wage, has her partners income, child benefits and no child care costs. She claims she is destitute.

But the way she says things with such venom show that she really believes he is a terrible deadbeat who pays the minimum. Is the amount too low? The way she goes on about it I'm starting to question myself.
He's starting to feel quite down about it, the comments putting him down are affecting his self esteem and he thinks he's a bad dad (despite nothing I see suggesting so!). We feel quite anxious never knowing when another abusive rant is coming in.

The thing is though she's as nice as pie in person. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. But I don't know how I will make polite convo with her knowing that she sends my Dh these awful messages. I am shy though and hate arguments so would always be polite to her anyway.

So do you think this amount is ok?

OP posts:
lovecomfythings · 13/02/2018 19:06

She knows about the calculator and how much it is. But she thinks this is the bare minimum and he should pay loads more.

OP posts:
SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 13/02/2018 19:07

Just call her bluff. Send screenshots of the CMS figures and tell her that since we can't come to a reasonable arrangement, we'll let them sort it out. That'll shut her up.

Oldraver · 13/02/2018 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Muddlingalongalone · 13/02/2018 19:09

How old are the children? If she's got 2 in fulltime childcare it could easily seem too little to her even if it is above the CMS MINIMUM. I get slightly less with overnights only in hols due to distance and even now with one in school and funded hours It's nearly half the childcare bill.
Ultimately though if he can't afford anymore he can't afford any more and he'll just have to repeat that ad nauseum.

TheHolidayArmadillo · 13/02/2018 19:09

If he actually phoned the CMS and asked "should I be paying more than the calculator says?" I'd be amazed if they told him he should (based on personal experiences).

HotelEuphoria · 13/02/2018 19:11

It sounds to me as though she sees it that he should be 💯 percent supporting the children, with her not providing anything at all.

The fair way is 50/50 for the cost of everything from food, to utilities, to school trips, to extra rent for more rooms PLUS taking into account how many days each parent has them.

ExhaustedAndHormonal · 13/02/2018 19:12

Go via cms for the set monthly figure. I'd pay them to set it up.
He then of. Course can give her extras if he wishes.
I remember by dps ex saying what he paid £350 a month wasn't enough.. Back then it was more than a weeks wage.. So she said right im going through cms. She did. And got a lot less. We have dsd here alot too so now it meant he can do things with her here.
Some people are just greedy and it bites them in the ass.

ExhaustedAndHormonal · 13/02/2018 19:12

That's for one child too

RandomMess · 13/02/2018 19:17

@lovecomfythings why doesn't he have the DC overnight?

FizzyGreenWater · 13/02/2018 19:19

Apologies OP, yes your husband! Not boyfriend. Sorry!

lovecomfythings · 13/02/2018 19:20

@RandomMess it's just the way it's always been. She doesn't really want them to see their dad at all really. I think if she could she would write him out of their lives and just have the cash.

I think he should say no to more abusive rants. If she wants to send him messages about general kid things, illness, pick up drop off times then fine. But if it's these rants she shouldn't be allowed to send them.

OP posts:
Lennythelion14 · 13/02/2018 19:20

Over £110 a week? Thats riches. Do you have kids together? If not you will struggling to look after them. This is one of the reasons why 2sd marriages fail. Is the sheer financial pressure of 2 families to support. If shes skint with all that money coming in and no child care costs, what is spending her money on?

lovecomfythings · 13/02/2018 19:23

No kids yet. Honestly I couldn't even cope with him potentially telling her the maintenance would go down a bit if we had a child. She would make his life a misery.

OP posts:
SweetIcedTea · 13/02/2018 19:30

Her income is irrelevant, CMS is based on the non resident parent paying a reasonable percentage of their income towards their children, she could be earning millions, his contribution would be the same.

What she spends the money on is irrelevant, unless, there's a concern that the children aren't being provided for, which doesn't seem to be the case here.

He can't have very little left after paying CMS level payments, he must have at least 85% of his income left, CAMS is something like 13%-15%.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 13/02/2018 19:33

Well it depends how much he earns, how much she earns

Sod all to do with what she earns. Or are we saying non resident parents should only have to pay maintenance when the resident parent’s income doesn’t stretch to it?

Honestly I couldn't even cope with him potentially telling her the maintenance would go down a bit if we had a child

So you believe it OK to reduce the maintenance when new children are born, thus ensuring that the ex needs to pick up the slack? It is her responsibility to fill in any financial gap her ex having additional children results in?

speakout · 13/02/2018 19:33

Your OH can't afford any more kids OP.

Achoopichu · 13/02/2018 19:35

My ex pays £320 pcm for 2 and I think that’s decent.

Allthewaves · 13/02/2018 19:35

Why doesn't he have them overnight?

Does he pay half of scool uniform, trips, activities, school shoes? Does he cover childcare in the hols if ex works

SweetIcedTea · 13/02/2018 19:38

Unfortunately CMS think that first family children suddenly cost less to keep when more children come along, or even when your ex goes to live with someone with children they have no financial responsibility for.

Most men who pay maintenance can't afford to start a second family doesn't seem to stop them.

SweetIcedTea · 13/02/2018 19:39

It's pointless comparing with what other ex's pay, it's income based, it has to be calculated on an individual basis.

lovecomfythings · 13/02/2018 19:40

@ohreallyohreallyoh I don't know what we would do. But that is what cms suggests to do.
@speakout Very true! I appreciate it would be a lot more about whether I can afford it. Although i would like to point out that she has had more children without a second thought.

OP posts:
speakout · 13/02/2018 19:45

lovecomfythings but the children's mother looks after them full time.

Why doesn't your OH have them to stay with him?

Babyroobs · 13/02/2018 19:47

Someone saying £550 is low for two kids ? Really ?

DonutCone · 13/02/2018 19:48

How much does the calculator say? If it say £500 and he's paying £550, then no I don't think that's great tbh. If it's £300, that's different. CMS really is the absolute minimum.

GirlsBlouse17 · 13/02/2018 19:49

I'm sure it was 15% if you have one child, 20% if you have two children. There was then a discount depending on how often you had the kids yourself overnight

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.