Is this amount too low? Or is she just being horrible.

[lovecomfythings]

My dh's ex keeps sending him really horrible, vile messages saying that he doesn't pay enough for his children. She makes him out to be a terrible person and in my opinion the messages are pretty abusive.

He pays her £550 a month for two children and has them two evenings in the week and on Sundays but they rarely stay over. This is a large proportion of his income and he doesn't have much left over. She earns a good wage, has her partners income, child benefits and no child care costs. She claims she is destitute.

But the way she says things with such venom show that she really believes he is a terrible deadbeat who pays the minimum. Is the amount too low? The way she goes on about it I'm starting to question myself.
He's starting to feel quite down about it, the comments putting him down are affecting his self esteem and he thinks he's a bad dad (despite nothing I see suggesting so!). We feel quite anxious never knowing when another abusive rant is coming in.

The thing is though she's as nice as pie in person. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. But I don't know how I will make polite convo with her knowing that she sends my Dh these awful messages. I am shy though and hate arguments so would always be polite to her anyway.

So do you think this amount is ok?

My advice would be to get a disposable mobile phone and get dp to tell her the has changed his number. This means as soon as the abuse starts the phone can be switched off.
The only issue that may arrise, is if she were to contact if a child was sick and the phone is at home. He may need to take it with him.
While she has the right to contact him in regard to the children. She has no right to verbally abuse him. That's totally wrong and unacceptable.

I get £177 a month for our DS (autistic, I am a carer). My ex-h agreed to £300 on departure, halved it to "teach me a lesson" (for not waving him off to OW with a big smile on my face) and I eventually went to CMS because of the constant blackmail. Ex and OW have arranged their finances so that she pays him as little as possible so that my maintenance is as little as possible. I think your DH's ex-w is being unreasonable, that is a good amount and fair as far as I can see and if he is paying over the legal minimum, then I can't see she has much cause for complaint. If I were he, I would arrange maintenance through the CMS.

Make sure all payments go through bank so he can prove he's paid it as well in case it goes to csa he can prove what he's been paying x

CMS really is the absolute minimum.

This.

I'm shocked at all the women on this thread who think the CMS minimum is a fair amount and there's no need to pay over it.

I really don't like these 'she should count herself lucky I get nothing from my ex' posts - that's crap but does that mean every single Mum should be shafted by their ex?

Thanks for all the advice everyone.

Cherry it doesn't mean that but people should also have an Awareness that they are better off than a lot of other people.

So I'll join in - my dd1 is now an adult and I never received a penny from her father. He is very much absent and always has been. Selfish git that he is, however she is better off without him.

Yes it is a fair amount because the dad still has to live and have a roof over his head you know.

People go on about how the mother needs extra for rooms for the children so does the dad

!5% is perfectly acceptable amount of someones income as it provides enough for the basics and leaves enough for NRP to actully afford to keep himself alive and housed.

People on here would love their EXs to be forced to live in shared accomidation / studio flats and or homeless to pay what they think is a fair amount rather then they low their standard of living to cope god forbid little johnny can no longer go on expesive holidays abroad or his expersive prep school because his parents ahve split up so money is much tighter as it now has to provde for 2 homes rather then one.

Everyone is going to come here from their own perspective
If he earns 35k it comes out at 332 p/m for no overnights at all. As he doesn’t have them overnight, as it specifically says overnight.
If he actually had them overnight then it would be £227

Now that is the bare minimum, and only you guys know what he can afford over that without it being detrimental

I think there is a big problem him not being allowed to have them to sleep over

No answer then to how much the calculator says?

I think calculator goes on 16% of gross income. Used to be 20% of net.
Anyway he gives her about 25% of his net. And with the extra he spends on kids when he has them he has about 2/3 of his net income to be able to live himself.

people should also have an Awareness that they are better off than a lot of other people.

I disagree - feeling lucky because your children's father provides the bare minimum for them, even though some people don't get that? No thanks.

I think he needs to sort out contact and it should include overnights, he pays CMS then block. She sounds abusive towards him

She needs to wind her neck in. Don't be put off having a child yourself by the nasty comments here.

Regardless of anyone's wage the job is still the same - to raise two kids. When you are paying more than double what others pay as the 'bare minimum' I think it's wrong to say that it is still bare minimum.

If she's that much of a pain id be suggesting he pays the amount the calculator suggests and nothing more and with the left over he could buy them things they need. She's doing herself no favours here and if he's paying over the minimum she should pipe down.

Why does he not have the children overnight? That would make maintenance go down but more importantly it would mean he could have a better relationship with his children

So he earns about £2,200 a month? A quick look on the CMS calculator says bare minimum is about £103 a week. That last shockingly low. Then again, 2 kids cost more than £550 a month - hell they cost more than double that at £1100!

I don't think he's paying too much and o also don't think he barely has anything left is he has about £1.7k after that plus your income. I think you maybe need to budget better if your struggling on that kind of wage

What does she actually want. Is she just ranting or has she given a figure

No he doesn't earn that much. I think I've calculated wrong . Sorry, long day

Tbh I think it’s quite high

As long as he’s paying at or over what the calculator states he’s fine.

He needs to get her to stop the text messages though so if he might be best to disengage and stop replying to any ranting messages altogether and only ever reply to message directly concerning the children - ignore the bad behaviour and reward good behaviour, For his own well being. She will soon catch on as there nothing to fight back against

It's been established that he is paying at least what he owes in maintenance.

Just a quick word to the wise though - income does not come into it. The maintenance payments are owed to the children, not to the parent. She could be a millionaire and he would still owe maintenance to them.

Anyway, onto the messages. If they are abusive in nature, he should not respond, apart from to say "I have checked via CMS that my payments are correct. Please check with them yourself if necessary. Any abusive messages you send to me will be saved and not responded to".

On a lot of phones now you can block people's messages so that they go into a spam folder and you don't get notified about them when they come in. But you can still access them if needed. Block on social media. So long as she has one way of contacting him, no more routes are needed. Abusive behaviour is not acceptable, no matter what the circumstances. If she believes he is not paying enough, she should pursue this with CMS.

worreidmum - 15% allows the NRP to help provide for the basics.