Is this amount too low? Or is she just being horrible.

[lovecomfythings]

My dh's ex keeps sending him really horrible, vile messages saying that he doesn't pay enough for his children. She makes him out to be a terrible person and in my opinion the messages are pretty abusive.

He pays her £550 a month for two children and has them two evenings in the week and on Sundays but they rarely stay over. This is a large proportion of his income and he doesn't have much left over. She earns a good wage, has her partners income, child benefits and no child care costs. She claims she is destitute.

But the way she says things with such venom show that she really believes he is a terrible deadbeat who pays the minimum. Is the amount too low? The way she goes on about it I'm starting to question myself.
He's starting to feel quite down about it, the comments putting him down are affecting his self esteem and he thinks he's a bad dad (despite nothing I see suggesting so!). We feel quite anxious never knowing when another abusive rant is coming in.

The thing is though she's as nice as pie in person. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. But I don't know how I will make polite convo with her knowing that she sends my Dh these awful messages. I am shy though and hate arguments so would always be polite to her anyway.

So do you think this amount is ok?

I second all of the posters who have said that you need to go through the CMS. You can still agree to pay the higher amount but it might stop all of the abusive messages. I have two children, a large proportion of my monthly bills would need to be paid even if I didn't have children. It is very difficult to put an exact figure on what my two cost me each month, but our total household outgoings are around £1600. I think £550 is more than reasonable on a month to month basis. My dh currently pays half of our bills, but he wouldn't do that if he moved out because he would need live himself.

CMs also deducts for the time he has them too. I get 40 pcm for 1 DC...if I'm lucky I think he's being well an truly more than fair and she sounds like a greedy CF. I wouldn't worry OP xx

Is she working OP? Is she matching that amount from her own pocket, or is she expecting him to provide EVERYTHING for the kids with no contribution from her at all? Because to me £1100 a month to house, feed and clothe two kids sounds reasonable for most parts of the country (maybe not London). Are they two strapping teenage lads who eat huge amounts and grow out of their clothes and shoes all the time?

We're not in London. I would think that £1000 is enough a month to raise two kids but apparently not.

@CheeseyToast OP posted that in response to posters saying they shouldn't have more DC because her DH can't afford them.

Obviously given the fact that some of her housing costs will be for her, her partner and her children that aren't my husbands. My husband shouldn't be expected to pay half of her housing costs full stop. I think she believes he should. He should be paying for half of his children's housing costs.

I know somebody who complained that her ex was shortchanging her on child maintenance.
He went to CSA, they calculated it at a lot less than what he was paying.
She could have kicked herself.

Tell him to go through CSA or whatever it's called nowadays. Pay what they calculate.

Thanks. I don't want him to pay any less. I think what we'll do is ask her how much more she needs a month to feel that it is a fair amount. We will then see if we can afford it.

OP, it's very simple he needs to pay CMS based on his income and circumstances, his ex's income and housing arrangements are irrelevant.

If you've calculated the payment correctly - my ex didn't so worth checking- then that's what he needs to pay. The next step if you think it's too much or his ex thinks it's too little is to ask CMS to calculate it and tell him how much to pay.

If you're not happy with how CMS calculates payments take it up with your MP.

There's no point in comparing how much your ex pays with how much other people receive as it's a personal calculation.

That seems more than fair! I'm guessing she gets the CB and possibly tax credits too?! I get £130 A MONTH for my two children 🙄

notenoughbottletonight How do you know it's fair if you don't know his income?

His net pay is less than £2,200, I think we have established. So roughly a quarter of his income. He still has to house and feed himself of course. £550 pm is a good amount, in many areas you can rent a house for that, so this sort of figure is many people's main expense. His DCs seem to be at school and there's no childcare required and how much can they eat?

OP I don't know if you should ask her how much she thinks he should pay, as who knows what she will demand? It will only encourage her.

Then hand it over to CMS to make the calculation through their direct pay process.

Abusive texts should be reported to the police as it is harassment.

It's annoying, I grant you that but the whole situation sounds fraught with problems. This is what you choose when you marry a man that has two children and a bitter ex-wife.

Vladimir it’s not just annoying, it’s illegal. She should be reported. He should also take her to mediation then court for overnights.

We're very happy otherwise. This is just one issue in our lives and no ones perfect.

i would ask DH to message her and say that to remove any confusion or the need for these rants/arguments, you will just do it all officially through the CM people. Then his payments get lowered (leaving him more the spend on DC when they are with him) and she can be happy because they both know hes paying the stated amount. She will soon shut up when she realise's shes wrong and he shouldnt be paying more.

That seems very fair unless he’s on a very high salary.
I’ve had £160 a month for two children for the past 17 years and he only has them in the school hols

Jammy, I didn't suggest it wasn't but pragmatically speaking the police rarely have time to address horrific crimes these days let alone some abusive text messages.

Don't let her bully you into paying more. Give her what the CMS says is right and tell her to whistle.

Christ don't ask her what she think she should get. Don't open any kind of negotiations with her.

Jesus H don't negotiate with her! If you can afford your current payments just keep paying as you are. If she keeps complaining, pay the CMS amount.

Maybe you're right, negotiating wouldn't be good. I just wonder how much she thinks she should be getting

I’d love to know how on earth she is on child benefits and a good income? My husband and I were entitled to nothing when we were on less than £40,000 a year between us with childcare costs of £600 a month for 2 children.
She may be defrauding the benefits system?