Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this amount too low? Or is she just being horrible.

200 replies

lovecomfythings · 13/02/2018 18:22

My dh's ex keeps sending him really horrible, vile messages saying that he doesn't pay enough for his children. She makes him out to be a terrible person and in my opinion the messages are pretty abusive.

He pays her £550 a month for two children and has them two evenings in the week and on Sundays but they rarely stay over. This is a large proportion of his income and he doesn't have much left over. She earns a good wage, has her partners income, child benefits and no child care costs. She claims she is destitute.

But the way she says things with such venom show that she really believes he is a terrible deadbeat who pays the minimum. Is the amount too low? The way she goes on about it I'm starting to question myself.
He's starting to feel quite down about it, the comments putting him down are affecting his self esteem and he thinks he's a bad dad (despite nothing I see suggesting so!). We feel quite anxious never knowing when another abusive rant is coming in.

The thing is though she's as nice as pie in person. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. But I don't know how I will make polite convo with her knowing that she sends my Dh these awful messages. I am shy though and hate arguments so would always be polite to her anyway.

So do you think this amount is ok?

OP posts:
lovecomfythings · 14/02/2018 19:42

I'm not an expert but I think if you earn under 50k you can claim.

OP posts:
niccyb · 14/02/2018 19:54

I did too. We are under £50,000 now but still entitled to 0. No childcare now however but 3 years ago we had. We even appealed but was told not entitled.

lovecomfythings · 14/02/2018 20:22

Oh wow @niccyb I thought if you earned under £50k each (so in theory even if you both earned 49k each) you could claim.
I must have got the wrong end of the stick!

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 14/02/2018 20:30

The each parent under £50k is child benefit, (around £20 a week). Others I believe are referring to child tax credits.

saggynappy · 14/02/2018 20:37

Both parents contributing £550 each would more than cover the cost of 2 children. Assuming he’s paying at least what CMS say he should then it’s tough. If he’s paying over the recommended amount and she’s sending abusive messages then I’d pay the minimum tbh, and I say that at someone than gets no CM!

lovecomfythings · 14/02/2018 20:41

Ah ok, yes that's the one I meant. Child benefit.

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 14/02/2018 20:50

It doesn't matter what the amount is. The percentage of his wage is what is important to the CMS. As a minimum payment.

Don't agree with CMS reducing if you and your DH had another child. Children don't cost less just because another one has come along. I say this as someone who has a DP who pays maintenance for his older DC and who has a child who lives with us full time. Why should they get less maintenance because of our choices?

lovecomfythings · 14/02/2018 20:54

I get what you're saying @Lookatyourwatchnow but equally dhs ex has had more children and so the kids will also get less because of this. So how is it any different if we have a child?

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 14/02/2018 20:56

Because they still need their basic needs met?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/02/2018 20:57

Because they still need their basic needs met?

Well that works both ways. The exW income has to be spread thinner when she had more DC too.

NotAnotherEmma · 14/02/2018 20:58

lovecomfythings

Her behaviour is manipulative and abusive, she is purposely brow beating him to try and guilt more money out of him. If I had to guess she just wants extra for herself not for the benefit of the kid's. She probably justifies it in her mind that the kid's will get some benefit from whatever it is she wants, but I doubt there is much if any truth to it.

He should tell her to only contact him in case of a medical emergency with their kids and to arrange pickup and drop off for visitation. I'm guessing that's why he hasn't blocked her yet.

If she continues then he should contact the solicitor that handled the contact arrangement for him to send her a letter to stop harassing him. That will make most remotely sane people back off. He should also be documenting all of the messages in case it needs to go a step further.

She just sounds like a money grubber and the type of woman that gives all those seeking to just get even minimum support for kids, a bad name.

NotAnotherEmma · 14/02/2018 21:01

His ex shouldn't be using money from the child support he pays for her children that aren't his. He is not responsible for funding the kid's she chose to have with her new partner. They shouldn't have had kids if they couldn't afford more.

lovecomfythings · 14/02/2018 21:09

He will always ensure they have their needs met. I'm not even saying we would lower it. I don't know what we would do would have to see the circumstances at the time.
I just think it's double standards that it's ok for her to have more and therefore spread costs more thinly but he would be judged for it.

OP posts:
CPtart · 14/02/2018 21:09

Why doesn't he have them half the week then he doesn't have to pay anything? Problem solved.

pieceofpurplesky · 14/02/2018 21:15

Why do the children only rarely stay over?

lovecomfythings · 14/02/2018 21:15

He has them 2 evenings in the week and 1 day at weekends just not overnight.
It's not paying he has the problem with, it's paying and getting abuse saying it isn't enough.

OP posts:
pieceofpurplesky · 14/02/2018 21:17

Why not overnight?

lovecomfythings · 14/02/2018 21:18

Because if she had her way he wouldn't be in their lives at all. She wouldn't allow him overnights. She thinks it is much more important for them to be with her.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/02/2018 21:19

Why not overnight

OP has already said the exW doesn't like them staying over.

pieceofpurplesky · 14/02/2018 21:19

Has he not fought in court for them? He needs to sort this out legally

pieceofpurplesky · 14/02/2018 21:20

@PigletWasPoohsFriend I must have missed that - the thread moved so quickly Grin

lovecomfythings · 14/02/2018 21:21

I agree he should

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 14/02/2018 21:29

why doesnt he apply to the court to have them overnight?

lovecomfythings · 14/02/2018 21:35

I think he's felt like he's not worthy, important or good enough after being put down for so long. She's really got to him. Anyway, I wasn't really asking for advice on him having the kids overnight. I am sure when he feels he can deal with the stress and abuse it will cause him from her then he will try. His belief is also that courts are expensive and always side with the mother. Which may be true.

OP posts:
worridmum · 14/02/2018 21:38

because going to court is expensive and the mother can just block contact for years and years as the courts will not sanction the RP unless it has go on for years and by this time most NRP have not got the money left or the children have been so poisoned against the NRP and by the time the courts will do anything the children are normally at an age where there views are listened too even if they have been poisoned by the RP its basicalyl tough tities as the RP holds ALL the power currently in family Law in England and Wales (i do not know if family law is different in Northern Ireland or Scotland as their legal systems are different)

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.