Is this amount too low? Or is she just being horrible.

[lovecomfythings]

My dh's ex keeps sending him really horrible, vile messages saying that he doesn't pay enough for his children. She makes him out to be a terrible person and in my opinion the messages are pretty abusive.

He pays her £550 a month for two children and has them two evenings in the week and on Sundays but they rarely stay over. This is a large proportion of his income and he doesn't have much left over. She earns a good wage, has her partners income, child benefits and no child care costs. She claims she is destitute.

But the way she says things with such venom show that she really believes he is a terrible deadbeat who pays the minimum. Is the amount too low? The way she goes on about it I'm starting to question myself.
He's starting to feel quite down about it, the comments putting him down are affecting his self esteem and he thinks he's a bad dad (despite nothing I see suggesting so!). We feel quite anxious never knowing when another abusive rant is coming in.

The thing is though she's as nice as pie in person. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. But I don't know how I will make polite convo with her knowing that she sends my Dh these awful messages. I am shy though and hate arguments so would always be polite to her anyway.

So do you think this amount is ok?

It's not clear what you're asking here. No one here can tell you whether the CM amount is fair, that's determined by CMS.

You write a lot about abusive texts. If you're asking us whether that's OK, I'm confident that any reasonable person would say no. Several posters have advised solutions such as blocking her number or getting a different cell for her messages.

With regard to what sort of person she is, we can't help with that but obviously he thought she was fabulous enough to marry and have kids with which is where you're now at.

As to your concern about him continuing to pay CM if/when you ha e children, now is a very good time to give this serious thought. Your husband already has children. They need to remain his priority. You knew this when you signed up to this relationship. Maybe part of this is that you cannot afford children.

I had an acrimonious divorce but when my dd was rushed to hospital in an ambulance I messaged her father ( I will add I never sent abusive messages) can you imagine if he had blocked my number and not been at the hospital for his dd - regardless of what I think of him

Think very carefully about blocking the messages from the other parent

ivykaty44 I didn't say block her number, I said block her messages and make sure she has a way of contacting him still.

My dp pays a little more than cms suggests for his son, but we go halves with everything, e.g school uniform school trips, we cover half the childcare through holidays etc as well. However on the flip side my dc father pays the minimum and refuses to pay anything else. Including taking her on holiday with his wife and other children. It’s hard and I regularly have my child come home and tell me that they can’t do anything because I steal all their money. as awful as it is, and I’ve had plenty of it from ex’s wife (whole other story) just try to ignore the abuse maybe even suggest mediation to talk through it, it helped me and ex massively. It might help to understand why they are struggling and perhaps you can help in other ways. If it’s over the cms amount and it doesn’t sound like the children go without, then she has to understand that they are also her responsibility financially. With my partner, I will even go shopping with his mum if she wants me to and split the bill straight down the middle.

You can block text messages without blocking a number (obviously all phones are different but it's worth looking into).

A friend of mine blocked text messages on her phone but was still contactable via calls, and voicemails from that number still came through with a notification.

She sounds like a very self entitled parent who is primarily interested in the money and how much she can get.

Without reading the whole thread im guessing you have no chance of overnight stays (with her consenting) even if that is in the best interests of the children because she would know that would mean reduced maintenance. If he wants overnight access however then i would urge you to see a solicitor and pursue that through the courts. Generally there needs to be pretty compelling reasons for that to be refused.

He is paying more than the law says he should and the amount should be more than enough when there are no childcare or school costs to factor in. I would be tempted to ask her how much her contrubution is? This would likely be a sore point but she probably expects Dad to pay for everything or the vast majority. He needs to stand firm. Tell her not to be abusive as he wont respond. That he only wants and will respond to contact regarding childcare arrangements or welfare.

She gets 550 plus 130ish child benefit and its not enough??? Some people are utterly vile.

He shouldn't be bullied or beaten down by this. It will be hard but this is not something that will be resolved overnight so as hard as it is, try not to bite.

Everything she does / says i would suggest you keep a record. Unfortunately this sounds like this could escalate.

If you ever need to produce details of any contact discussions then this evidence will not put her in a good light.

Good luck.

If we want to have a baby of our own and can afford it then we will. I have an income too. I don't see why it's ok for her to have more children but we must never have one

I don't see why it's ok for her to have more children but we must never have one

Because your OH is not even able to pay for the kids he already has.

speakout
He does
He pays 25% of his net income.

He does pay @speakout .
I can use my income to help fund having my own baby, no? Or must that go to his ex too.

It would cost him more than that if his kids lived with him.

Yeah it would. But the money he gives is not meant to cover 100% of the costs, she is supposed to contribute too.

@speakout
How on earth do you know that?
She apparently earns a good wage, if they were together she might have been carrying him financially
You just simply don’t know

Speakout Yes he can, just the ex thinks it’s not enough. The law disagrees and he pays more than this plus some more money on the children when in his care. No idea where you’re getting this idea from.

And that’s presuming he doesn’t spend any money on them outside of the 550
I presume he has extra bedrooms that he doesn’t need for them to stay in if they did? So he’s going to pay extra for that.
There are lots of costs to factor in.

Thanks for all of the replies. I've had enough of this now though and have had some good advice. So thanks everyone.

She sounds like a very self entitled parent who is primarily interested in the money and how much she can get

The op hasn’t given enough information to decide that’s the case.

She also hasn’t given any example of these messages other than to say they are abusive.
We don’t know why they agreed the amount they did. For all we know it could be due to an additional cost for the kids taken on on his instruction or he could have refused to pay anything for some time

Speakout clearly has the old 'all NRP are assholes' hat on and probably hasn't even read your particular situation. If you take nothing else from this thread then ignore nasty and ignorant comments like those on here.

Am amazed to hear more about how speakout and others think £550 plus £130 child benefit 680 is not enough contribution to bringing up the 2 children .... considering there are no childcare costs and no schooling costs and the CMS calculation being less than 550, what exactly is Dad doing so wrong here?

What is Mum's contribution to raising her children?? Nothing???

What about what Dad pays when he has kids? He wants to have decent time with them doing things or do we think they only cost money when with Mum?

There are some really nasty posters on here. On the subject of Dad's mental health, i don't see your limited contribution to this thread making any comment on that but i guess your mind was made up what 'side' you would take on here before you even got past reading the title.

If a Mum was receiving abusive texts from her ex and they were affecting her mental health we would be up to 40 pages already of support for Mum. And he would be a bully.

It's completely unacceptable that your DH's ex sends abusive messages. You and he shouldn't have to put up with it. How old are the DC? Can he communicate with them directly and mostly cut out the ex?

If DH is paying over the CSA amount, he needs to ignore requests for more money. If the ex asks for something specific like new shoes for the DC, your DH can buy them himself when they visit.

That's quite good. He should tell her he'll go via CMS if she persists.

He needs to get a proper contact order, which includes overnights, pay the CMS amount, which will be lower to take the overnights into consideration and communicate by email, ignoring any texts from her.

He can pay for plenty of things when they’re with you that will benefit them. CMS amount is his contribution to what they cost when they’re with her. What he spends when they’re with him is up to him and it’ll cost more in clothes, food, outings when he has overnights.

Tbh it’s prerty crap he doesn’t have them overnight. She might be resistant to the idea but it’s not up to her. What sort of relationship can he have with his children when he doesn’t put them to bed, read them stories, make them breakfast?

Get it official. He steps up in having proper contact routines with them, she backs off the abusive crap. The children benefit from good meaningful relationships with both of their parents.

*I don't see why it's ok for her to have more children but we can never have one.
*
Oh dear OP, did you really say that 😮

Having children is nothing to do with "fairness". It is chiefly about the ability to take on a huge responsibility. Quite simply you don't sound mature enough to do this as you don't seem to understand why your husband's children must remain his priority. They were there before you - and always will be.

My ex husband earns £14k a month as a contractor and pays &300 a month for his 3 kids via CSA - he pays himself minimum wage and s few dividends a year so that’s what they base figures on offered to send them copy of his contract but they only go on HMRC figures

@CheeseyToast how do I not think they are his priority? Just because you have more children doesn't mean the existing ones become any less of a priority. Just the same as if you had more children in a 'Normal' marriage. His ex has had more children with someone else. How is that ok but it's not ok for us to have one?

OP

Cheesytoast.

How patronising, in tone and content.

He is supporting his own children. But their Mother too has a responsibility. She seems to have forgotten that.

If he has more children then he has to prioritise them too, no more and no less than the existing children. I say this as a Mum and stepmum with a good relationship with all children. OP has a job and an income of her own. Why is she immature by daring to think about perps having children if her own some day with her DH?

Sone parents (mums and dads) are so focussed on their own wants, the money, scoring points, and in the process forgetting about trying to make the child feel secure and happy and making their needs paramount. It is so damaging.

I am assuming you think the Mum is perfectly entitled to demand more and more money and remain blind or ignorant to her own responsibilities as a parent? Any comment to make on Mum being imature for having more children? Thought not.