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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this amount too low? Or is she just being horrible.

200 replies

lovecomfythings · 13/02/2018 18:22

My dh's ex keeps sending him really horrible, vile messages saying that he doesn't pay enough for his children. She makes him out to be a terrible person and in my opinion the messages are pretty abusive.

He pays her £550 a month for two children and has them two evenings in the week and on Sundays but they rarely stay over. This is a large proportion of his income and he doesn't have much left over. She earns a good wage, has her partners income, child benefits and no child care costs. She claims she is destitute.

But the way she says things with such venom show that she really believes he is a terrible deadbeat who pays the minimum. Is the amount too low? The way she goes on about it I'm starting to question myself.
He's starting to feel quite down about it, the comments putting him down are affecting his self esteem and he thinks he's a bad dad (despite nothing I see suggesting so!). We feel quite anxious never knowing when another abusive rant is coming in.

The thing is though she's as nice as pie in person. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. But I don't know how I will make polite convo with her knowing that she sends my Dh these awful messages. I am shy though and hate arguments so would always be polite to her anyway.

So do you think this amount is ok?

OP posts:
lovecomfythings · 13/02/2018 18:42

I said he pays a bit more than the calculator suggests.

OP posts:
lovecomfythings · 13/02/2018 18:43

I thought so but she said this only covers very basic things and is no where near enough.

OP posts:
Tors33 · 13/02/2018 18:43

She sounds very high maintenance to me are u sure she's actually spending this money on the children

gamerchick · 13/02/2018 18:44

Offer to pay her what the law says if she’s not happy.

I’ve had 30p from my ex in 9 years, that seems a fortune to me.

MyBoysAndI · 13/02/2018 18:44

Don't understand when you say half.... half of what??

Risen · 13/02/2018 18:46

He needs to block her! If he is doing all he can, then he doesn't need to listen to her rubbish. I know it's not ideal but (for now) could she come through you? It may just be that she's spiteful or it could be that there is an underlying problem.

For context, OP, my eldest have never received a penny from their father. Apparently the split (which was almost two decades ago, and his choice) rendered him incapable of finding a job Hmm

There needs to be another way around this. If it carries on, he'll lose his job through stress and she'll get nothing.

RandomMess · 13/02/2018 18:46

Why don't you have the DC overnight? Is it because the ex won't allow it as it would reduce maintenance further?

MyBoysAndI · 13/02/2018 18:46

My XH earns £45,000/ yr. He pays me the legal minimum of £500/mth. It is also written in the court order he is to pay half of school uniform, school trips and hobbies.

Pemba · 13/02/2018 18:47

I thought the CM calculator gave bare minimum figures though? And many fathers paid more. Or is that wrong? So dunno.

I would have thought she could manage with that amount though. But it all depends.

lovecomfythings · 13/02/2018 18:48

He earns less than that.

OP posts:
EatingSatsumas · 13/02/2018 18:49

Ask her if you can go through CMS so they can do the calculations and ensure they are fair. Each and every time she sends an abusive message about it, send the same message about going through CMS. Eventually she will either go through them or else give up messaging altogether.

Brandnewstart · 13/02/2018 18:49

I get £260 ish a month for two children. I'd be thrilled with £500! If he's paying what is legally required, he has nothing to worry about, morally or legally.

FranticallyPeaceful · 13/02/2018 18:49

Lovecomfythings my apologies, you’re right, it was other people who said it - they are being unreasonable. No he SHOULDNT have to pay more unless he can. I think as long as he’s making sure the kids have what they need to live a comfortable life then it’s fine... considering she has her decent salary plus her DPs, then 550 seems fine. If he wants to pay more then it’s a different story.
I’d ignore her anyway, she sounds full of anxiety. As long as his relationship with the kids are fine then leave her to it, the kids will see it soon enough

My ex pays about 800 a month (we have two children) plus he pays for days out etc when they go out and whatever else he needs to but I still get pissy at times because I pay far more (but I’m pregnant and I never got pissy beforehand, so obviously hormones. He does enough and I know it, it really doesn’t bother me)

MissionItsPossible · 13/02/2018 18:51

Winteriscoming18 That is the complete opposite to what the OP said. They said that their husband pays more than the calculator states.

Lellikelly26 · 13/02/2018 18:53

Tell her to go to the CSA and he will pay what they say. She sounds a bit bitter and the abusive texts suggests she is still emotionally involved with your ex which I suspect is what really bothers you. Their relationship should be over. If you’re arguing with someone you are still emotionally involved

Pemba · 13/02/2018 18:53

In that case it seems a very fair amount. And the abusive texts are nasty and unhelpful.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 13/02/2018 18:55

If he pays more than the calculator says then he's doing his part.

If he wants to piss her off, he can offer to do it through CMS and use the excess when they come round.

Olympiathequeen · 13/02/2018 18:57

Can he block her and give him your number to arrange pickups/hangovers etc? Or another family member. He is paying a fair amount and doing his best. His ex sounds like a nightmare and he should distance himself as much as possible from her.

GrumpyOldBlonde · 13/02/2018 18:57

It doesn't matter what anyone else gets, it's to do with his income.
It sounds strange if she is nice in person, I can't help wondering if someone is stirring things here, her new partner?

I never understand why people say 'think yourself lucky, I only get £100 a month' it's neither here nor there.

Lemonnaise · 13/02/2018 18:57

That seems extremely low for two children to me but it really depends on her own income and lifestyle

No it's not. It's a decent amount.

OP she should be paying half of things too, maybe she needs a reminder about that.

buddhababy123 · 13/02/2018 18:59

She sounds as if she may have BPD, especially that Jekyll and Hyde thing you mention. Abusive texts are not ok, he should keep a record of them in case it goes to court. Also if they are really abusive he can inform the police, or tell her that he will inform the police.

Blackteadrinker77 · 13/02/2018 19:00

He just needs to keep sending back the same reply every time so she gets the message.

"It's all I can afford and above what the CMS calculator says!

lovecomfythings · 13/02/2018 19:03

Can't remember which poster said it but to reply she definitely spends the money on the kids (not that this is really our business I suppose). She adores her kids and does her best for them as far as I can see. She just really has an issue with this amount and Dh.

OP posts:
Greyponcho · 13/02/2018 19:04

Perhaps he should just send her screenshots of the CMS calculator, every time she starts on at him

lovecomfythings · 13/02/2018 19:05

I'm not sure I should be getting too involved in making arrangements. They will have to talk to each other at some point and it would be best if they can work this out somehow.

OP posts:
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