To be absolutely devastated/disgusted by this?

[fulltimeworkingmotherof4]

My little sister died 8 months ago. She was 33. I’ve posted before about her DH moving on quickly, but I’ve just found out he’s having a baby with his new gf, they’ve been together 6 months and she’s 2 months pregnant. It was announced on social media and of course me and my family were blocked from seeing it but word soon gets around.
I’m still massively struggling with loosing her, even tho she suffered from a long term illness. I never expected him to be on his own forever but I feel this takes the piss. AIBU to not be impressed?
He’s totally cut our family out of his life including my DN (my sisters son) he’s not his bio dad but was a big part of his life. He’s 10 and has all our love, lives with his bio dad but how can you just do that? When she died he said he’d still see him etc but literally nothing. He was on dating sites 2 weeks after her funeral. I’m just so angry 😡

I am often shocked how quickly men remarry after their wife dies.

However I think this also reflects the fact that a lot of women are willing to snap up a man whose recently deceased wife is barely cold.

Possibly the Victorians had it right - one year mourning before remarrying!

I have no idea whether this man was having a thing with the woman he had married beforehand, but it does seem rather soon. And she is pregnant too. Hasn't let the grass grow under HIS feet has he?!

All that said, as some people have already said, men do move on fast and remarry. I think many of them struggle to cope alone, and need a woman to look after them. Women however, seem to wait much longer to move on and remarry, and many are actually pretty OK alone/not in a relationship.

Some never do remarry, and do actually stay alone. (Especially women middle aged and over.) I know several women who were married 25-30 years or more whose husband died, and even 10 years later, they are still single. And they are happy single too! They loved their man, but aren't interested in having anyone else and remarrying.

Me myself personally, if my DH died, I would not be interested in another relationship, and would quite honestly be OK without him. I do love him, but would survive without him. I honestly think he would struggle without me though. (We are both mid 40's..)

OP I am very sorry for the loss of your lovely little sister, and I am sorry you are struggling with all of this. Not sure there is anything you can do, but YANBU to be upset.

I just know that if my life partner died the last thing id want to do is date but we are all different.

We were all expected to be delighted with the new gf. he even wanted to introduce her to my late mum's mother. Thankfully we talked him out of it.

I understand the devastation from your part but I also think that when you care for someone your dynamic changes from husband/wife to carer/patient and that makes it 'easier' to move on

'We were all expected to be delighted with the new gf.'

Yes, you're supposed to wish them every happiness, he/she deserves to be happy, life goes on, move on, etc.

My MIL died a few years ago, she’d been unwell for about 5 months, gradually getting worse until she finally died of undiagnosed bowel cancer.

She and my FIL had been married for over 40 years but within 3 months of her death he was dating a woman he’d met on a dating website.

It caused a lot of family friction.

I’m deeplybsorry for the loss of your sister

I think most people would feel a year is about the right length of time.

I think it depends on age . I understand moving on after a couple of years when widowed younger but my Df is 79!

If he was a good husband to her when she was alive, that's really all you can expect. He shouldn't be alone because it makes your family feel better. Yes, he moved on quickly, but we don't know the dynamic of his relationship with your sister. If she was terminally ill, he may have made peace with that long ago. By the time she actually passed away he may have already done his grieving.

Something I've read somewhere is that it's often different for men as women are encouraged to form lots of emotional support networks - close friends etc - whereas men aren't and often end up investing everything in their partner and relying on them totally for their emotional props.

So when a woman is widowed she's likely to have friends and loved ones around her to lean on and help her through the grief, whereas a widower may well feel completely alone and emotionally isolated. And if he only knows how to ask for emotional support in a relationship, that's where he will look for it again.

I think it’s horrible but fairly common. Can think of a couple of examples including my FIL who when mil was on her death bed had a bizarre conversation with me saying he would re marry as he was quite a catch with his own bungalow and all
Is it wise? Not at all but men especially don’t seem able to cope alone well

I'm so sorry about your sister and I think I'd feel the same as you. He's moved on far sooner than is respectful and what you'd expect from someone in the midst of grief.

All you can do is write him off though- he's shown his true colours and his behaviour does not diminish your sister's memory in any way. Forget him.

It's none of your business. And it is no reflection at all on his relationship with your sister. Different people grieve in different ways and at different times.

As awful as it is for you all he has done is move on with his life. As harsh as it is we only ever have one sibling, one mum, one dad, children etc they are irreplaceable. But most have multiple partners, a lot of us have more than one love.

Emotionally I suspect he grieved before she died and seeing you is a painful reminder of his past when he albeit selfishly wants to look towards the future

I wonder how many of the posters saying that this is horrible etc.
Have any idea of what the surviving parent went through looking after their spouse?
How soul destroying it is and how much grieving is done by both parents.

I saw what my dad went through and wish him only happiness, my brother who saw very little has struggled with him moving on.

as for the post about they should dedicate themselves to family or they are selfish, I think that its the other way round.

It’s not like catching a bus , where another one will be along in a minute! You devote yourself to another person. I can’t imagine loving someone else if I’m widowed first.

I nursed my DM and am still grieving now nearly 3 yrs on. Df is nowhere to be seen!

My step dad met a new partner about 6 months after my mum died. In my head it was as if he wanted to erase her from his life - he took down all the photos of her and had given away all her clothes within the first week after she died (suddenly, no illness or anything).

At the time I took it really hard but looking back I don't think their marriage had been stable for about a year beforehand and everyone else seemed glad he was happy when he could've been grieving. Perhaps it' either that or get stuck in a black hole when you lose the closest person to you? I don't know.

I still feel confused and alone in my grief 14 years later so I completely understand how you feel OP. I hope you are able to heal

Some interesting opinions here. Maybe he did come to terms with it before she died. I remember him saying the funeral was closure for him. Maybe that’s what he meant. None of my family want him to be unhappy, we would have welcomed his new partner I think if it had been a little longer. Who knows! I just compare it to my nan loosing my grandad 13 years ago, she’s not ever considered anybody else, but she’s older he is still a young man I guess. I think what’s upset me more is how he’s gone about things. But iv deleted him from social media and will ask other people to refrain from telling me things if they see them!
Thanks everyone for your comments, it’s a difficult time but we have to try our best to get on with life I guess.

(((Hug)))

I’m not surprised you’re really hurt over all of this, it makes it feel like he didn’t love your sister as well as she should have been loved, if he can ‘move on’ this quickly. I know I’d feel the same.

However, I honestly do think (most) men find someone new very quickly, not because they’ve ‘moved on’ but because they need emotional support and only know how to get it from within a relationship.

I have a very sad story from my Grandad, but it’s upsetting me too much typing it out. Your BIL is probably only trying to find a way to cope with his grief, the only way a lot of men can and that’s through another relationship.

He loved your sister, he was with her in the hospice until she died. He did everything he could for her. Try, for your own sake, to focus on that. He’s cut your family out, it’s probably because he finds it’s very hard to see you all & your sister not be there. Try not to think of it as ‘moving on’ but simply as a drowning man trying to find a liferaft and clinging on for dear life.

I think this is very common. I’d love some stats on how many of these new relationships last, it would be interesting to know.

My best friend died when she was only 27. Her boyfriend was at the funeral, visibly devastated. A couple of hours later at his girlfriends wake he met his new partner. He is a nice chap and I don't personally hold it against him, he always attends a little get together that we hold on her birthday and brings his son that he had with new gf

Exactly the same thing happened in my extended family OP. I'm at arm's length from it and have had some contact with the DH. It is really, very sad. However I think he perhaps made his peace with losing her quite quickly. I don't think for a minute he's forgotten her. It's much harder for her blood relatives and DC though, they have a lifetime of memories and loss.

MsHarry

Your situation is different to mine, I saw my father reduced from a large comical man that did all of the care for my mother to a hunched over shell of a man.
I saw the mental anguish that they both went through whilst he was doing this.
I have seen the guilt that he feels for being the one that didn't die, and the guilt he feels for the relief at her passing and not being in anymore pain.

I can only thank the woman (and various friends that supported him) that he had his first relationship with after my mother died because she pulled him out of a black hole of despair. And I am happy that he is now in another strong and loving relationship because if these hadn't happened I would have lost both parents in the same way that I lost both grandparents (one died a year after the other).

I may be wrong but if I was in your family I'd be wondering was he seeing this woman behind your sisters back and is now seeing her in the open...
He's shown his true colours

blimey, that sort of nasty and bitchy comments are so much worst that someone rebuilding his life! You don't know anything or anyone but let's jump to conclusions, shall we?
Of course the OP is devastated. It doesn't mean it's wrong for someone to go on and not waste time after witnessing first hand how short life is, and how quickly things can go awfully wrong.