To be absolutely devastated/disgusted by this?

[fulltimeworkingmotherof4]

My little sister died 8 months ago. She was 33. I’ve posted before about her DH moving on quickly, but I’ve just found out he’s having a baby with his new gf, they’ve been together 6 months and she’s 2 months pregnant. It was announced on social media and of course me and my family were blocked from seeing it but word soon gets around.
I’m still massively struggling with loosing her, even tho she suffered from a long term illness. I never expected him to be on his own forever but I feel this takes the piss. AIBU to not be impressed?
He’s totally cut our family out of his life including my DN (my sisters son) he’s not his bio dad but was a big part of his life. He’s 10 and has all our love, lives with his bio dad but how can you just do that? When she died he said he’d still see him etc but literally nothing. He was on dating sites 2 weeks after her funeral. I’m just so angry 😡

It was a very happy marriage, for many years. After she died from stroke, her husband stopped taking the medications that controlled his high blood pressure, heart condition and diabetes. He died from heart attack less than a year later. He could not stand losing her

I normally agreed with your posts, expat, but everyone grieves in a different way. And, to my mind, the most important thing about the OP's BIL is that he stood by his wife and looked after to the very end. I don't think any widow or widower needs to be a paragon of romance and commit sati.

My df's partner committed suicide after he died. I've never thought of that as romantic. He was not a nice person and she was. I personally would much rather she had gone on to meet someone else who'd known how to value her.

'I don't think any widow or widower needs to be a paragon of romance and commit sati.'

No one is saying it is . Nowhere has anyone advocated suicide following the death of a partner or spouse . And the issue is, too, that the OP's BIL was like a father to her sister's young son, who has now been sidelined very quickly by the new girlfriend and baby.

"And the issue is, too, that the OP's BIL was like a father to her sister's young son, who has now been sidelined very quickly by the new girlfriend and baby"

Well the boy went to live with his natural father. We don't know what was going through everyone's heads at the time, but maybe the BIL did not feel comfortable asking the natural father to share the wee lad.

My grandmother died of a stroke at the age of 34- she had quite a few health problems from my understanding, all the way through her life, they had a happy marriage and 3 children aged 14,13,12 when my gran died.

Within two weeks he had moved out to be with his new woman and her daughter. It took him over a year to return to the family home,and his children, but when he did he brought new woman plus Step daughter.

Time and time again he chose new woman and SD over his biological kids. They stole food and rigged the electric meter somehow to remain warm and fed. I don’t believe any of them have seen my grandad since they were about 16 years old.... well I’m 27 and never met my grandad- my mum married my dads brother- and grandad wasn’t in either of their lives and hasn’t been as long as I’ve been alive.

Pretty fucked up, but as I’m told it is a fairly normal occurrence for men to abandon the children they shared within a marriage when their wife passes, all in the process of moving on to the new woman.

I’m really sorry you are going through this. Both the loss of your sister, the loss of DNs step father- someone who you’d hope to really have stood up and shared the loss with DN- as he will be one of the very few who can share in many of the small memories of the ways she just was, that the family just were. This must feel like an awful betrayal.

If it’s any help, I’m sure he feels pretty shit about the fact that he’s lost her too- even if he is going about it in a completely shit way.

From the OP's account, he was a good partner, there for his wife right to the end. Surely that is worth more than anything that happened after? His wife felt, and I'm sure was comforted by, his love.

So no, can't judge him for moving on and, as trite as it sounds, people really do grieve differently. Or show grief. As far as the child goes, he has gone to live with his father. Has his father tried to maintain the contact? I'm pretty sure he's feeling the animosity which will affect any interactions.

So sorry for the loss of your sister OP.

My friend lost her husband suddenly a few years ago. They had a really happy 15 relationship and had been devoted to each other.

She was on dating sites within weeks and has had literally hundreds of one night stands in the last few years. 'Dating' gave her something to do, something to distract herself from her unbearable pain, people to talk to online in the middle of the night when she couldn't sleep. A way to avoid
sitting in the house on her own every night thinking about how lonely she is and how much she lost.

Loads of people said how disgusting she was, she must never have loved him, must have been shagging around when he was alive. How could she have 'moved on' so quickly? She was being disrespectful to his memory. That her DH would be disgusted with her. Awful, awful things.

She hadn't moved on, she still hasn't years on. She says she knows she'll never fall in love again so what's the point in seeing a man more than a couple of times?

I'd have been over the moon if she got into a loving relationship even if it was the day of his funeral I'd rather that then see what has happened to her over the last few years. She's been treated awfully by some really seedy men and sleeping around seems to have become a form of self harm. Some of the men might have lovely but she'd never give them a chance.

Grief is so personal and unique.

He's in a what is possibly a rebound relationship with what is possibly an unplanned pregnancy. It happens. It doesn't mean he's a despicable human being or that he didn't love his wife or is being disrespectful.

I’m sorry for you loss.

My sister died when she was a few years younger than yours was, so I know a bit about it.

However, I also feel that you’re not the authority on grief, and if your sister was ill for a while as you say, maybe she encouraged her husband to start dating as soon as possible when she had gone.

To be frank whether or when he dates, marries, or fathers children is not really any of your business, and I think you might be projecting your anger over the loss you feel for your sister onto him..

She’s irreplaceable to you, but she may well have given him her blessing to move on with someone else as soon as possible.
I’ve observed that the times when one partner has a protracted illness and they die, the widower picks up his life very quickly and moves on, with her blessing.

I think you might cut him some slack and concentrate on grieving for your sister without throwing blame and anger onto anyone else.

I know life’s unfair, but it’s not your poor sister’s widower fault that she died, is it? He has a right to happiness, same as you now.

Again sorry for your trouble.

💐💐💐💐

Interestingly , having just read the entire thread - there are only two posters on here who are ACTUAL bereaved spouses. And each one of those clearly says it's entirely possible to form another relationship very quickly.
All the other posts are judgement and opinion from people who have never been in this position.
Losing your mum/dad/sister is a COMPLETELY different loss and grief to losing your spouse. And every single one deals with it - and should be respected to deal with it - in their own way..

So as a bereaved sister/mother/brother you WANT to see your loved one 'respected' - and that 'respect' (in your eyes) is for their spouse to show a 'decent' amount of grief before moving on. And not to do so - is selfish ?

Surely to put ANY kind of demands on how a spouse should 'appropriately mourn' is, in fact selfish of you. Putting your needs ahead of someone else. That someone else being a person who has already lost their spouse and been intimately and often for many months and years had to suffer the process of death and dying of an often (but not always) deeply loved other-half.

My dad died when I was 13. After a 25 yr marriage to my mum. My mother was devastated for the 3 awful years it took him to die.
She met and remarried within a year. Not a man I would choose to 'replace' my father. Nevertheless even at that age I could appreciate that she needed happiness and this man made her happy and that in turn made me happy.
I certainly would never dream of dictating that she 'should wait' an additional year to somehow prove her grief and devastation to either her extended family, my fathers family or the bloody neighbours - is quite frankly, not just completely unreasonable but abhorrent .

My dad died when I was 13. After a 25 yr marriage to my mum. My mother was devastated for the 3 awful years it took him to die.
She met and remarried within a year. Not a man I would choose to 'replace' my father. Nevertheless even at that age I could appreciate that she needed happiness and this man made her happy and that in turn made me happy. Gosh kittensinmydinner1 I could have written that, I was 13 when my dad died and mum remarried within a year. I wouldn't have chosen him but like you I understood and accepted that was what she needed.

The thing that upset me most was an aunt saying I couldn't have loved my dad or I would have kicked off about the wedding. Teenagers can't win, I'd have been condemned as selfish if I had played up and was condemned as unloving because I didn't.

I'd say it's not so much finding another partner to share things with, more how it's dealt with and how other family member's feelings are handled.

Maybe other family members need to think about the deceased's partners feelings as well.

According to OP's posts, the illness was long, the DH was there, looking after her to the end. OP also says the DH saw the funeral as closure. This tells me he'd begun his grieving a long time ago. But the OP seems to be wanting him to put his feelings aside and to put hers and the rest of the family first.

People need to stop being so judgemental. Who knows what discussions took place between OP's sister and her DH before she died? Losing a partner can't be the same as losing a parent.

My own mum is unlikely to survive for more than another 5 years. While we don't have an official terminal diagnosis as yet, the nature of her illness means we know how it will progress. I know I've already begun grieving in little ways. I'm guessing but I feel my dad is also on this road already. If, after mum dies, dad finds someone new, I'll be there for him.

Oh we do granny non stop since my DM died. Spent all our time making sure he was ok, helping him join groups, being part of social gatherings etc. Unfortunately now DF has no time for us and gives no attention to us or GC as all he can think about is his new partner. It hurts and I know how dm would view it.

YANBU you feel how you feel and you are still grieving your sister, that's understandable.
The situation with you DN is not understandable.
I've heard of people who do their grieving for a spouse during the long illness so that they seem to others to move on quickly after the spouse has died.
Maybe he's not in contact because he has moved on and you haven't and he feels the disapproval that comes with that.
Without knowing the full circumstances and full feelings involved you can't say if it's too soon or not.

MsHarry it was lovely that you supported him but a partner is different and that was what he needed.

Instead of DC and GC Granny? After 50+ years of marriage?

I don’t think anyone has a right to judge. He did right by his wife when she was alive so that is what is/was important. Until you lose your partner you won’t know how you will react.
I lost my husband of over 25 years last year. I haven’t moved on nor do I have any wish to but I refuse to judge anyone who does.

Msharry maybe he just wanted a companion to share his life with though D.C. and go have lives of their own

Yes maybe but it hurts. DM doted on the GC and they miss her so much. I was very close to her. Feel like I've lost both parents and grandparents to my DC.But it's ok because our feelings don't count apparently.

Is this still going on?

Lots of people are more judgmental about a widow/er finding love again than they are about someone currently married who has an affair. It's bizarre.

Who gets to decide what IS an appropriate amount of time though?
Seems very harsh he has cut so many people out, but to be blunt maybe he needs to leave his old life behind to rebuild his life. Sad for son though.

MsHarry perhaps you need to stop looking at you father just as a father and grandfather but as a person in his own right who is entitled to a loving relationship in his later years.

You see it as sad that he didn't want to just join clubs, and attend social gatherings and remain happy with his lot as a father and gf.

Perhaps if you look at it slightly differently and embrace his new gf and relationship then he will feel more inclined to play the role you want him to play and if the situation develops then you may find you have a lovely step mother and step grandmother.

My aunt had a very long and happy marriage and everyone was shocked when she had a new beau after only 4 months but it was actually a huge tribute to my uncle that she had had such a fantastic experience of marriage that it encouraged her to find it again. Those with not such good memories are the ones who would give it a wide berth where 'once bitten twice' shy seams to be the maxim.

It is awful but I know someone who did similar, his wife has ms and died about 3 years after diagnosis. She was severely disabled in the end and he nursed her at home for a while and then she nearly died, he said his goodbyes etc but she pulled through. She went to live in a nursing home and then died not long after. He didn't really grieve and had already moved on with his now wife.
Everyone was appalled but he just was of the opinion that he had lost his wife a long time before she died

Everyone was appalled but he just was of the opinion that he had lost his wife a long time before she died What right did they have to be appalled, did they nurse her, did they give up 3 years of their lives caring for her? He has every right to live his own life.

MsHarry your father is an adult, you don't have a right to dictate to him. Why do you think you do? If he told you that he wanted to go back to you being single and living at home as his daughter so he wants you to get divorced and let your husband have custody of your children would you say, "Well he's been a good father, of course he can demand we turn the clock back." Or would you think he was nuts to think he could dictate to another adult and expect them to do what he wanted?

No one is demanding anything.