To be absolutely devastated/disgusted by this?

[fulltimeworkingmotherof4]

My little sister died 8 months ago. She was 33. I’ve posted before about her DH moving on quickly, but I’ve just found out he’s having a baby with his new gf, they’ve been together 6 months and she’s 2 months pregnant. It was announced on social media and of course me and my family were blocked from seeing it but word soon gets around.
I’m still massively struggling with loosing her, even tho she suffered from a long term illness. I never expected him to be on his own forever but I feel this takes the piss. AIBU to not be impressed?
He’s totally cut our family out of his life including my DN (my sisters son) he’s not his bio dad but was a big part of his life. He’s 10 and has all our love, lives with his bio dad but how can you just do that? When she died he said he’d still see him etc but literally nothing. He was on dating sites 2 weeks after her funeral. I’m just so angry 😡

This happened in our family. The DH said he wanted to recreate the happy marriage he had had. They are now divorced.

I can honestly that is vile behaviour. He must be very needy and very desperate, and any decent woman wouldn't get involved with a man whose wife died literally weeks before hand. They sound a horrid pair, and I'd make sure you try and detach yourself from him in all ways including social media. If mutual friends or family start to say what he's up to, just stop them and say it's too hurtful to hear. This must be appalling for you all and I'm sorry for your loss.

It might not be moving on too quickly to some people, but they should at least have the decency not to announce everything on social media. Have a little bit of respect to the deceased and her family. Yes he can have a new gf, and yes he is allowed to reproduce, but surely there was a more sensitive way to go about it.

Loving objecting to your loved one being 'moved on' from in a matter of weeks is not the same as resenting a widow/er ever 'moving on'

It has happened in my immediate and my extended family.
3 times.
And do you know what, I wish every happiness to each person who has established another relationship. We only get one life.

happed with my df a month after he lost my dm

its caused a rift in the family some dont speak to him now-

its like they cant cope alone

its fine to move on but u dont have to do it so quickly i dont feel like theres any respect there

So sorry OP, it must be awful. My DM died 2 yrs ago and DF moved on quicker than expected. I still can't accept it.

Very sorry for your loss op. I know how hurtful the can be.
This happened when my brother passed away. His wife started dating a few weeks after and married months later soon after got pregnant. My parents and I were in utter shock. But for the sake of my dn ( brothers sons ). We had to bite our tongue and move on. Otherwise we were scared she would cut us off from them. My brothers last wishes were to always be there for his sons. That’s what we try to do. Whatever we may feel for her.

Not going to be a popular view but

Are you sure that its him that cut the boy out and not his dad that isn't allowing him to see him?

and as has been said, he was the one with her whilst in hospital day after day and it may well be a relief that she is not in pain anymore. It will make it easier to move on for him.

I completely understand your reaction and I’m sorry that you and your family are going through this.

From a little bit of personal experience, I lost my mum to cancer when I was 8YO, my dad moved on extremely quickly, he bought another woman to my mums funeral... this seemed shocking at the time but one thing I realise now as an adult is that most men react difference to grief and loss and instantly try and fill the void left. I never understood as a child to why my dad always needed a girlfriend, but as an adult and seeing how much he suffered I totally understand now. One thing he said to me recently (it’s been 20 years since my mum died, and he’s been remarried for 10’years) is that he still loves her and always looking to fill that gap left in her death.. I don’t think that makes him a bad person.

Nothing people do surprises me after what my friends FIL did.

A couple of weeks after his wife (friends MIL) died he needed some copies of the death certficate and my friend went with him to get them. While he was there he booked his wedding to the woman it turned out he had been knocking off for years. He expected cousin to tell his son so he didnt have to.

It all came out that he was waiting for her to die from her long term illness so he would inherit everything (their wealth was from her family) rather than divorce her and lose most of it. The dead wife had given a house to her son and my friend to live in and trusted her husband to leave it to them in his will. Within 2 weeks of the wedding his new wife insisted they be thrown out. FIL did and has never seen his sons or grandchildren since.

YANBU and it seems that it's sadly rather common for this to happen.
My 'D' F moved on super fast after my DM died and he's now NC with is children due to the rift it's caused

random "cousin" should say friend!

why do people always talk about men moving on quickly? A female friend of mine remarried 2 months after losing her first husband. Years later, they are still together and happy. I can think of a few other women around me who rebuilt their lives quickly

It’s really easy to sit and view a situation and say ‘ that’s great’ or ‘that’s terrible’. But until we have been in that situation nobody knows how any of us will react. Grief is a very personal thing and everybody has to grieve in their own way.
Some people cannot bear to be alone. Some people move on really quickly. Some people spend the rest of their lives mourning the person they have lost. Who among us is qualified to say what is right and what is wrong considering every one of us is different? Nobody is.

Maybe this man couldn’t bear any reminder of what he had lost. I don’t know the details of your sisters death but maybe he had said goodbye to her emotionally long ago. Maybe he was so happy with your sister that he just wants the same with somebody else.
Would you prefer that he spends the rest of his life in black mourning somebody who he can’t bring back and wasting his own life in the process?

How he chooses to live his life is his decision, ultimately he is the one who has to live with his conscience and if he sleeps well at night then all the best to him. If he truly loved your sister and she died knowing he adored her then he has done right by her.

I have always thought it’s odd at funerals that is always the widow/widower who is the chief mourner with the most attention ( for want of a better word). A husband of wife, while it is an horrific loss can be replaced by re marriage. In your case you can’t get a new sister. Your poor mother can’t replace her child. And I think - as your case shows- the family of a person ( more often than not ) mourn their mother/ sister/ daughter for much longer than a husband or wife. It’s just a fact of life.
Take comfort from the fact that he was obviously so happy with your sister that he just couldn’t bear to be alone.
You can’t control his grief and respecting her memory but you can control yours. So you remember her as you choose to and give your sisters son as much love and support as the poor lad needs.

As for the relationship between him and your nephew well that’s a totally different matter but I think he has behaved in a very selfish manner ( like men do) and is a total and utter shit for not putting that boys feelings above his own. But I do think that lots of men are very adept at compartmentalising their feelings and emotions and they can just move on very quickly. We really are two very different species.

Im so sorry you lost your sister but don’t let this overtake and be one the thing you think of when you think of her. Let her rest in peace surrounded by the love of her family. I read something written by a mother once and I think this applies to you and your mum.

She said ( about her daughter) “ I loved you from the moment you took your first breath, I was there when you took your last and my love for you will never change until I take my last breath and we are reunited for always”

What is deemed an acceptable amount of time to wait before moving on? A year? Two years? 10?

How about: at least two months? I reckon a lot of people would find that acceptable.

Some awful stories on here. As for:

he bought another woman to my mums funeral

she was in hospital form months before she died, not s local hospital either and he stayed there with her. When she was alive he was great

Isn't this the important bit?

Many years ago I heard that widows and widowers who had a good marriage are the ones must likely to remarry. I think you should be happy for him, though I'm sorry that he did not keep up contact with your DN, he might have had his reasons.

Sorry about the essay 😬

Have you ever heard the expression 'women weep, men marry' ?

My aunt died leaving an 18 moth old and a 5yo. My Uncle remarried within 6 months, he needed mother for those children, and his second wife was infertile, she wanted a ready made family.

When my mum died, after 45 years of marriage, my dad remarried an old school friend within 4 months.

Each has their way of processing grief.

We really are two very different species.

No, we really aren't. It's just that some people have very different values and priorities to other people's.

Yanbu, what an utter prick, I wonder if he was cheating on her before she died. Your poor nephew . I am so sorry .

I understand why you are so upset, but when someone has a long and life limiting illness a lot of the loss grieving process happens before the death.

If I knew I was dying I’d be saying to DH that he should be happy when I’ve gone and it would be ok if he met someone else.

Would your sister be angry with him, or pleased that he is going to be a dad?

All I know is that my DM would never have moved on with anyone else after 50 yrs of marriage. She would have devoted her time to her family and friends. Shame DF could only think of himself!

Saska I think because it is much less common for women to do it, no one is saying they dont do it at all but it is much rarer ime.

All of the men I know who lost wives (a fair few thanks to a large family) have been with someone else within a few months and often within weeks of their loss. I dont know a single woman who got togeher with someone else that fast. The women have waited at least a couple of years.

I know its a generalization and obviously doesnt apply to everyone, but I do think that women cope better in these situations than men, they give themselves time to grieve and come to terms with ti, whereas many men seem to want to bury the pain under a new relationship.

I worked in a hospice know of people who met there whilst visiting their partners who they over coffee in the little cafe hooked up and married. What someone said about putting life on hold when with someone who is dying is certainly accurate in my experience. They do get a new lease of life when their partner finally passes away.

People underestimate sometimes, the suffering of those left behind.

My dad moved on quick after mum died. i know this is harsh but i think people who cant cope alone for at least a year after are a bit pathetic . yanbu op.