To be absolutely devastated/disgusted by this?

[fulltimeworkingmotherof4]

My little sister died 8 months ago. She was 33. I’ve posted before about her DH moving on quickly, but I’ve just found out he’s having a baby with his new gf, they’ve been together 6 months and she’s 2 months pregnant. It was announced on social media and of course me and my family were blocked from seeing it but word soon gets around.
I’m still massively struggling with loosing her, even tho she suffered from a long term illness. I never expected him to be on his own forever but I feel this takes the piss. AIBU to not be impressed?
He’s totally cut our family out of his life including my DN (my sisters son) he’s not his bio dad but was a big part of his life. He’s 10 and has all our love, lives with his bio dad but how can you just do that? When she died he said he’d still see him etc but literally nothing. He was on dating sites 2 weeks after her funeral. I’m just so angry 😡

My friends DM died unexpectedly in her early fifties and her DF was engaged within three months. My friend was devastated that he moved on so quickly, but as other said, some people just cannot be alone.

If you can find it within yourself you have to see this woman as an ‘anchor’ for him and your dn.
When someone central is lost to the family unit chaos reins and for some people this is utterly intolerable.
The new gf is not your sister, she will never ever be that, but it may stop him from completely sinking.
He will be afraid of your reaction which might be why there is a lack of contact.
If you would like to remain in contact with your nephew ( and this child has lost so much aleady) see this new gf as his life jacket, set aside your judgement and keep the contact with your dn. If your sister was here she would want you to look after him, do it for her

I'm amazed that in grief people are even thinking about their love life! Also find it strange anyone would want to start a relationship with a recently bereaved person. Unless they're on the rich widower hunt!

That's absolutely horrible. I'm so sorry your family has to experience this.

It's so so quick it must be horrendously painful for you and your family as you are all still grieving and struggling to accept the loss, whereas he seems to have moved on and started a new life already. I don't think it's necessarily a reflection of what he felt for your sister though. I know I'm going against the grain here but people deal with loss and grief in different ways. Some people take years to get over losing someone and some people never get over it whereas others seem able to compartmentalise that chapter in their life and start again very quickly.

I don't think this is as unusual as people expect it to be. I know someone who within weeks of her DH dying in a very tragic accident had started a relationship with his best friend. They did go on to marry and have a child together.

Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do, perhaps not being able to see his new life unfold is the best thing for you and your family and try not to let it tarnish the memories you have if they're happy ones of your sister and him together.

I think it’s incredibly common for people to move on quickly after the death of a partner. And the thing is, while it’s incredibly difficult for the extended family, technically, they’re not doing anything wrong, even though it often seems insensitive.

But the truth is that that partner has gone. They’re not coming back. And moving on doesn’t necessarily mean that they have forgotten them, but life does have to go on. And sometimes those relationships last, and sometimes they don’t.

YANBU, but nothing surprises me about the speed with which some folks move on after a spouse or partner dies, particularly men.

I hear of a lot of men doing this and not women. Eg my best friend's mum died, within days her dad was on dating sites. He even asked me out on a date and when declined, a friend of mine also! (yes she refused..was horrified). He had a new GF within weeks..followed about a year of various GF's and within the year re married
A few years ago a beloved childhood friend died. Within a week or so her partner shacked up with one of her friends...who left her husband for him and took her kids with her... so hard for my friend's kids who suddenly had a new instant family with new 'brothers'....
How is any of this giving time to grief? It's not, it's a 'sticking plaster'.. I can't even comprehend it

I'm so sorry for your loss. You've a right to feel the way you're feeling. I know ppl have a right to move on but that's utterly ridiculous. Something similar happened within my family, cousin was killed in a hit and run, no one was ever convicted. My cousin was so lovely and an absolutely loving/caring partner and parent. Then VERY shortly afterwards my cousins MIL was so disgusted with her daughters new found relationship she informed my family. It hurt, we knew she never told us to hurt us but to save us finding out in another way. It eventually came out she'd been having on/off affair with this man who was also my cousins friend and work colleague.
Final note...he sounds a horrible person but add your nephew into the mix and that's just...well there's no words really...hope the guilt eats at him...hate ppl who promise and do shit all.

Good God, I'm not surprised you feel that way, his wife died 8 months ago, and he has been with his girlfriend 6 months (two months after his wife died) and now she is pregnant.

I may be wrong but if I was in your family I'd be wondering was he seeing this woman behind your sisters back and is now seeing her in the open...

He's shown his true colours, if I were your family I'd cut him out of your life, he sounds awful

Sorry for your loss

I agree it tends to be men who move on fairly quickly rather than women and this is particularly the case when young children are involved. Many men seem to think the children "need" a new mum asap and they cannot cope with parenting alone. Most bereaved women with children will not feel the same way because (and again a generalization) they will have shouldered most of the parenting responsibilities while their DH/P was alive and don't seem to feel the need to dive into a new relationship.

That said, my SIL moved in with my late brother's best friend about a year after DB died. My niece was about 8 at the time. Everyone was scandalized and when she fell pregnant a short while later there was shock all round including from my parents. Personally I have always wished them nothing but the best and treat her younger child as a second 'niece'. My own DC still call her Aunty X .

I'm very sorry for your loss OP.

If you can find it within yourself you have to see this woman as an ‘anchor’ for him and your dn.

It doesn't seem that the dn has even met this supposed "anchor". Did you misread?

Op

I’m sorry for your loss.

I can see why you are hurt but you must realise that this isn’t personal- as in his actions are not designed to hurt you or your family.

He clearly loved and cared for your sister deeply.

He has started a new path in life and your anger is wasted. He hasn’t harmed your sister.

Your nephew - I’m sure will have fond memories but was there much point in keeping the relationship going between them? Might it have been too painful for both of them?

Always ask yourself if someone is being malicious- I don’t think he is. I think he just wants to get in with his life.

Don’t think he has forgotten your sister. Grief doesn’t just stop. He probably thinks about her a lot but it’s likely she told him to move on when the chance arrived.

His behaviour is absolutely disgusting and wrong. What a pathetic person.

All I know is that my DM would never have moved on with anyone else after 50 yrs of marriage. She would have devoted her time to her family and friends. Shame DF could only think of himself!

Completely agree.

Women do it, my mother was remarried with 10 months of my father's death. She was trying to replace him and I look at it as she loved my father so much she needed to fill that space. It didn't work out in the end. Don't judge him, we all deal with things in our own way.

Many (many many many) men are cared for in marriage by their partners. It's not really equal, studies have shown that even when couples think they split everything 50/50 the women in reality do more. She does the lions share of the cleaning, the household and social organization, the childcare, cooking and shopping. And some women enjoy that nurturing role, you see variations of "Ah bless, aren't men useless!" here all the time.

When a man like that loses his partner, he's also lost his cook/cleaner/PA/nanny/personal shopper. So he needs someone to fill those roles again as soon as possible so he can function in the manner he's used to.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

People deal with things in different ways. I would block the social media and let him go. He has made it clear that he has moved on. It's all very upsetting for you but you cannot control him and if his actions are having a negative effect on you then I would take a big step back. He probably doesn't even realise what he is doing.

My SIL met her new man at her DH’s funeral. He was working for the undertakers.

^What the hell?

Sorry for your loss. I can understand your hurt that he's moved on so quickly from your sister and your family. Very insensitive and thoughtless of him. DNBU.

I know someone who was married for over 30 years and following the death of his DW, he'd remarried within 2 years. His DDs were not impressed.

Have any of you who are being so nasty about this poor man lost your life partner? Well I have and it's devastating, I haven't moved on because I haven't met anyone but I would never judge someone who just wants love and companionship again. Give the poor man a break.

'A few years ago a beloved childhood friend died. Within a week or so her partner shacked up with one of her friends...who left her husband for him and took her kids with her... so hard for my friend's kids who suddenly had a new instant family with new 'brothers'....
How is any of this giving time to grief? It's not, it's a 'sticking plaster'.. I can't even comprehend it'

I have a friend whose mother did this. They haven't spoken in 3 decades. It's all well and good 'They deserve to be happy' but when you have kids still at home it's not just about you and it's really selfish and cruel to do this. As she, my friend says, 'I was not given space or a chance to grieve for my father. I had to leave home to do that. So I did.' Neither of her siblings have anything to do with their mother, either. They felt they were forced to 'move on' when their mother married a couple of months later and a blended family was foisted on them. But hey, she deserved to be happy and all.

My friend died 14 years ago aged 28, leaving an 8 month old baby.

Our utter twat mutual friend necked the face off her widower like a 15 year old at a school disco 6 weeks later, in full view of everyone in our local pub.

They were together 8 years but I can't stand her now.

It's incredible how judgmental people are of other people's grieving processes. Albert Camus had it right.

Gosh, very dramatic posts. I was a kid when my mother remarried, my siblings and I all loved her and were close to her till she died. None of us blamed her for remarrying, none of us were traumatized. Life goes on.

'Albert Camus had it right.'

Did he? He also said 'Life is meaningless/means nothing', however you translate it from the French.