To be absolutely devastated/disgusted by this?

[fulltimeworkingmotherof4]

My little sister died 8 months ago. She was 33. I’ve posted before about her DH moving on quickly, but I’ve just found out he’s having a baby with his new gf, they’ve been together 6 months and she’s 2 months pregnant. It was announced on social media and of course me and my family were blocked from seeing it but word soon gets around.
I’m still massively struggling with loosing her, even tho she suffered from a long term illness. I never expected him to be on his own forever but I feel this takes the piss. AIBU to not be impressed?
He’s totally cut our family out of his life including my DN (my sisters son) he’s not his bio dad but was a big part of his life. He’s 10 and has all our love, lives with his bio dad but how can you just do that? When she died he said he’d still see him etc but literally nothing. He was on dating sites 2 weeks after her funeral. I’m just so angry 😡

Someone I worked with married a widower- met through online dating. Both in 50s. Engaged 4 weeks after meeting. She said he had been meeting people for 6 mnths but had not met anyone he really clicked with.

Ages later I asked how long after his wife died had she met him and she said 3 weeks. Turned out his wife had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and he had joined on line dating sites and been meeting people while she was ill. He said she knew, he had come to terms with it and didn't want to be alone when she died. My colleague didn't seem to find it strange.

I was a bit shocked but each to their own. They have been married about 6 years now and are very happy.

Maybe the marriage wasn't that happy, but he didn't want to walk away while she was so ill. Maybe, as PP have said, to him it would feel like she was gone some time before she actually died.
And there is a possibility that it is the boy's own father who is stopping him from seeing your DN. I can understand that it's upsetting to your family, but your sister's widower isn't automatically a bad person for moving on quickly.

so basically people should not move on with their life if the partner dies?

Giving it more than two months before you partner up with someone else is not the same as never being able to move on.

I find stories like that disturbing rather than cute.

When dating the recently bereaved would be on my red flag list for obvious reasons including not being sufficiently over it or honouring the deceased.

Many people have no stansards

and there is no way id date anyone with a dying spouse...just uggggggr!

My friend's mum died after long illness 20 years ago. The dad soon announced that he was having a relationship with the nurse who had effectively lived with them for over a year - nurse had also known mum as a child, so the mum was a big common factor.
Friend and stepmum had a rather prickly relationship until dad also died - since then they have created a much better relationship based on being the only people who knew the mum and dad for so many years.

I think most grieving happens before death when there's an illness, for those closest St least.

One reason it's mainly men finding new partners is simply there's fewer and fewer single men for every woman as you get older. My granddad went into a care home and had his pick of 30 women wanting him and dozens more who didn't. He really enjoyed his last few years, and I think the whole family was glad of that.

My friend's son lost his fiance to cancer when they were both in their 20s. While she was ill my friend moved in and had to listen to him cry himself to sleep. Within months of her death he met someone.
He was living in so much pain but the new relationship gave him something to live for.
They are both very happy with a baby. I won't judge anyone for grabbing at life.

That is an obscenely fast rate to move on and so hurtful for the rest of the family. Though it is not unheard of for this to happen. Nobody wants a person to stay alone forever but really what does that say about somebody who can move on to a new life so quickly after a tragedy.

I am actually shocked at the man putting his name on dating sites when he found his wife had terminal cancer. And the man who said to his daughter in law 'I am a great catch with my own bungalow, I will find a new woman soon!'

Fecking HELL. I mean words fail me. Are some people that scared to be alone that they have someone lined up for when their spouse dies? Sorry but that does not scream 'I love and adore my wife more than life itself' to me; it screams 'I need a new wife quick!'

As for the poster @worridmum (page 5,) whose husband died at 25, obviously no-one would expect you to never date again. Not a such a young age. But you can't compare yourself and your situation to a couple who have been together 40 years. It is much more shocking when someone who has been with someone THAT long starts dating someone new, after just a few weeks. I don't believe anyone who says they would find that 'normal...'

People are entitled to 'move on' within a few weeks if they wish, but their family and friends are also entitled to be shocked and upset about it. Especially their children!

There was someone on a forum I used to belong to whose wife died shortly after giving birth to twins. He sounded devastated, and obviously got a lot of support and sympathy on the forum. Not very long after the death of his wife, he started posting about fancying someone else, and the relationship apparently developed really fast, with them moving in and getting engaged very quickly.

I found this very hard to believe, and thought it must be some kind of scam or made-up thing where people set up a situation online to attract sympathy and possibly gifts. But I think it was completely real. The person he fell in love with was in a caring profession, and was probably somebody he was able to trust and confide in. He'd been left with twins to provide for and look after, and getting remarried to someone who wanted to be their mother was probably the best option he could find.

I don't think YABU, as someone else has said, there's no way you can move on from the loss of your sister by finding a substitute, and seeing him find a new life must really be hard. It sounds as if he did the right things when she was ill, try to be appreciative of that, and wish him well.

It's horrific for everyone involved. Massive condolences to you and your family.

However, everyone grieves differently and you need to accept it's his life to lead as he wishes

Its the not being able to handle being alone for more than a couple of months that i find astounding.

Someone I worked with married a widower- met through online dating. Both in 50s. Engaged 4 weeks after meeting. She said he had been meeting people for 6 mnths but had not met anyone he really clicked with.

Ages later I asked how long after his wife died had she met him and she said 3 weeks. Turned out his wife had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and he had joined on line dating sites and been meeting people while she was ill. He said she knew, he had come to terms with it and didn't want to be alone when she died. My colleague didn't seem to find it strange.

I agree with PP that this kind of behaviour doesnt suggest a deep abiding love that the widow/er cannot live without.

Frankly the way this bloke went about it sounds more like shopping around for a new domestic appliance because the old one is about to break down for the last time.

And of course she didnt find it strange, she was clearly equally desperate for a husband as he was for a wife and would have married anyone. Frankly they sound appalling.

It must be very very painful for you and the way he is treating your family must add to that.

However I have also known people who have moved on very quickly (not quite as fast as this).

My Gran was remarried within 18 months of my grandfather dying (before I was alive) and I think it was simply that she couldn’t bear to be alone.

My ex’s mother met someone quite soon after his father died suddenly (he was 12 at the time) and I think it probably started as a shoulder to cry on and emotional support as she had to deal with 3 children as well as her grief and then developed. It was hard for the children but she was truly happy with her new partner but it didn’t mean she didn’t love her husband who had died.

When I was at school I had a friend whose mother had died from breast cancer. Her father had remarried well within a year. My friend was only 12 when her mother died, and was still devastated by the loss of her mother when I got to know her about 5 years later. Her grief was only made worse by her father's marriage - he was being happy with his new wife, while his daughter was in the depths of despair. It's impossible to know for sure, but I really do think that my friend would have been able to come to terms with her mother's death if her father had been focussed on his grieving daughter and not on his new wife.

I do understand that people feel the need for a relationship, especially after caring for a spouse through a long and terminal illness, but I think when there are children involved, of whatever age, it is horribly selfish and self-centred to remarry so soon.

That is an obscenely fast rate to move on and so hurtful for the rest of the family. Though it is not unheard of for this to happen. Nobody wants a person to stay alone forever but really what does that say about somebody who can move on to a new life so quickly after a tragedy.

To me it says strong and resilient. I would hate to see anyone do what my mother did - spend 40 years making everyone acknowledge her as the grieving widow who never moved on.

From my Psychologist sister: women morn, men replace.

So it is to do with public decency then?

Because that seems to be what other posters are suggesting.

Nothings about the widows grief or feelings, more to do with how it seems- or how it is hurting the rest of the family.

And if the rest of the family are hurt by this - then what actual impact does that have? So they maybe find out that this man didn't love their lost one as much as they hoped? Or as much as they did?
Well that happens. People sometimes don't have deep feelings, sometimes they get divorced. Are the family disgusted/devastated then?
When some posters are saying it's "obscene" what does that mean?
So you find out a little more about the man who was widowed.
And so?

Like choli I watched my mother widowed at 48. She became a mourning widow and 40 years on has remained that way.
Sad to watch.

Noone is suggesting that someone should mourn for 40 years but on the opposite end of tbe spectrum are people who shop around for a new partner when their loved one is dying or recently deceased. Both unhealthy
What strikes me as odd is the realisation that many people cannot cope on their own two feet for more than 5 minutes.

It's the same when people jumo into new relationshios very quickly when divorced etc. I wonder where the time for independance, reconnecting with family and friends and strengthening is.

Each to their own

sorry for typos

*What strikes me as odd is the realisation that many people cannot cope on their own two feet for more than 5 minutes.
*

But that's their business surely?

Nothing to be disgusted/devastated by.

Well it was my business when it was my own dad. No insight at all into why my sister and i were hurt. Neither did she.
Ok...none of our business but we do think less of them both as a result. On the plus side at least we dont have to look after him.

Just have some fucking respect for everyone else's grief and loss

but that's the point, a grieving spouse doesn't owe you anything, why should they? You have to take care of your children, but I am sorry, an adult is not responsible for his in-laws and other adults, it's not a spouse responsibility to hold their hand. S/he has their own grief to deal with. The way they deal with it is up to them.

I think with me it was the EXPECTATION that we all suck it up right away. i especially had to put upwith them mooning all over my sofa when i asked to see just dad.

It's the lack of subtelty. I think with the op cutting off the step child is just awful.Dosnt want any reminders??? pah...how cold.

I'm appalled at how he's treated his stepson. The rest of it is very difficult. I imagine he's well aware of how you will feel about this as he's gone to lengths to not make it public. I imagine I would feel just as you do, OP, tbh.

But then I remember my neighbour whose wife died of cancer. He was online dating and remarried within 12 months, which a lot of people found absolutely appalling. People stopped speaking to him and he got a poison pen letter at one point!

But he said he'd spent years caring for his wife as she slowly died and had done a lot of his grieving before she passed away. She'd told him to go and be happy, whatever form that took, and he was one of those people who just can't live alone and have company around him. Seen it several times with other widowers too. It was even more tragic as his new wife died suddenly of a heart attack two years later - he said that felt 100x worse than his first wife dying as he was totally unprepared and stunned by it. Mind you, even after that he was back to online dating within months.