Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To consider telling everyone the truth

247 replies

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 13:59

Afternoon. I'm posting because I'm completely exhausted with feeling the way I do about my DB and having to keep quiet about this situation. I can't go into every little detail as I don't want to be outed on here but here goes. I have two brothers, one older and one younger. The younger one and I get on really well but my older db is a complete nightmare and even more so since he met his wife to be. My db is obsessive by nature, extremely money driven and is all me me me. He pretends to care about other people and will do things for people but it's easy to see that he resents it and it's all an act.

So, just before Christmas he announced to the family that he and his partner had come into a fairly substantial amount of money. He claimed his girlfriend had won it online playing bingo and no one thought anymore of it. We congratulated them both and as expected got on with our own lives. However there were a few things that weren't adding up when I thought about it and occasionally they'd act cagey but again, i never thought any more of it.

That was until a few days ago my partner was in the pub having a drink with a friend after work and a mutual friend of his and my brothers came over and asked for a word. This man is a long trusted friend and friend of the family and he said he had something important to tell my partner. He told him that my db and his girlfriend didn't win a penny online and that the money came from somewhere else. I can't say were exactly but let's just say it's not legal. My dp told me about this when he got back home and I have thought of nothing else since.

Like I said I completely trust this person and whilst I love my db I can't say I trust him in the same way as I know him though and through and he is relentless, driven and will stop at nothing to get what he wants no matter who gets hurt or how risky it is. Now I'm wondering what do I do with this information.

I felt pure disgust and anger when I found out and feel that my db is a complete disgrace. What he has done is incredibly risky, immoral and even more so when you factor in the they have a young baby that needs taking care of. What gets me is that he goes around pretending he's perfect, he judges me on my life when I don't hurt anyone, will do anything for my friends and family and usually keep my nose out of other people's business.

I know he didn't have to but he hasn't provided any proof that he and his girlfriend won this money and knowing him the way I do I'm pretty certain what has been said about him is true. If it were me who had come into such an amount of money I wouldn't be telling all and sundry but I'd no doubt show my parents, friends and family the cheque I'd received or a picture of my big fat bank account. I know that people are different but like I've already said I know my db and he would be shouting it from the rooftops an showing everyone if he'd really won that money. My parents think the sun shines out of his backside and haven't a clue what's been going on so now I need to decide what to do. Just do me a favour though, say anything you want but don't accuse me of beig jelalois, ie of his money or the attention he gets from my parents. I'm a grown adult and I'm not driven by money, I'm driven by my kids, partner, living life etc. My parents are amazing and treat all three of us the same but they, like the rest of our family are being lied to day in day out and I don't think it's fair. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 14/02/2018 05:39

Honestly? I think confronting your brother is potentially dangerous. He is well-known to be a liar and he is manipulative. It is quite likely that he has psychopathic tendencies if he has no conscience about what he's doing. Perhaps you could anonymously phone the police. If you do and you "know nothing", sticking to his "winnings" story, it can't bite you in the bum.

SharonMott · 14/02/2018 05:52

The fact that someone else knows about this is good in a way. Anonymous tip off to the police. Practice innocent face in front of mirror. I am going to echo a PP the fact that so many people are happy to just turn a blind eye is part of why this country is going down the shitter. We get the country we deserve basically and I am not happy to walk past houses that are full of heat lamps and gro bags making a fortune for one twat when they could contain families. OP has had a rough ride on this thread for no good reason. Report him anonymously and stop worrying about the consequences.

Weezol · 14/02/2018 05:52

Don't confront him - anonymous report to CrimeStoppers, sharpish.

As well as the excellent points raised by Giraffe, they are also at risk of being 'taxed' by bigger more professional dealers. The tax might just be the house being broken in to and the crop being stripped out, and maybe DB's car being trashed.

If they're treading on someone's toes, once the drugs have been cleared, the dealers will probably torch the house to make it hard for the police to obtain forensic evidence of their visit.

How would that play out with the rest of the family?

Oblomov18 · 14/02/2018 06:08

You could let him know, that you know. Isn't that enough for starters?

BeHappyMummy · 14/02/2018 06:13

If if you brother did something awful, how could you have the guts to report him?

I just can't imagine doing that to my brother.

FranticallyPeaceful · 14/02/2018 06:21

Stay away imo.
The bottom line is that you don’t know the truth and there’s also massive moral differences between various illegal activities and a lot of them really don’t warrant you poking around or your concern. Unless he’s running some serious amoral activities then just let him be

LondonSouth28 · 14/02/2018 06:46

Does he fully understand the penalties and repercussions of his actions?! He wouldn't be let off with a caution or given a slap on the wrist - he and his wife would certainly get a custodial sentence! What would happen to his child?! He clearly hasn't even had the foresight to ensure he keeps his wife totally out of it so that in the event they get caught she could look after their child.

Read this site www.sentencingcouncil.org.uk/offences/item/production-of-a-controlled-drug-cultivation-of-cannabis-plant/

I have no idea what you should do the ramifications any which way you go are not good. Just some thoughts:

Your brother will have become involved with people who I would imagine won't take very well to him suggesting he has come to his senses and decided to quit growing. He would suddenly realise what he has become involved in at this point I suspect.

Given he is needing to declare his income from this as a 'bingo winning' he must be farming a large number of plants.

No matter your view on cannabis because it is illegal (wrongly or rightly) in the UK he is getting involved in organised crime and as you know too well this is not victimless.

running3 · 14/02/2018 07:07

Haven't got time to read through the whole post but I'm surprised by the number of people saying ignore it and do nothing. You're implying there are victims in your bothers actions, therefore I think you should do something, even if just to confront him/tell him what you've heard. If no one did anything when they knew of a crime there'd never be any justice and far more people would suffer. I appreciate it's difficult when it's family though.

LizardMonitor · 14/02/2018 07:39

Do not implicate your DH in this without his complete knowledge. No mention of ‘a bloke’ etc. Your bro will never let it drop until he knows who.

And he may well guess.

Why did the bloke tell your DH?

You will never get any relationship back with your brother. If you shop him anonymously he will probably go to prison. If you talk of ‘some bloke’ and withhold the name it will
always be there, he will pressurise you. You don’ sound as if you have the authority and ‘front ‘ in front of your brother to loo him in the eye and say ‘I’m telling you that it is out there in the community what you are doing. Don’t ask me how I know, I have heard, and that’s the end of it. But if I heard, many have heard. So if it’s true, stop now, before you end up in prison. If it’s not true, nothing to worry about ‘ and leave it there?

That gives him the option to stop without admitting it to you.

LizardMonitor · 14/02/2018 07:42

Though actually in our primary a caretaker had Hydroponics in the school boiler room and he didn’t go to prison. Suspended sentence I think.

Queenofwands · 14/02/2018 07:48

Really? Your own brother? ... jeez.

FantasticButtocks · 14/02/2018 08:07

Can you speak to him? Just say You know that bingo win you talked about, well people are saying it isn't true and that you are growing illegal drugs in that house you own. So you'd better stop doing it before someone tells the police and you end up in jail. I'm not saying it's true and actually I don't want to know. But if it is and you get caught mum and dad will be so upset and your son will suffer too if you go to prison. And then just leave it there for him to think about.

Any other action on your part is going to cause you heartache, anxiety and pain Op.

LakieLady · 14/02/2018 08:08

Growing cannabis, but not dealing? Yeah, right...

After all, if you don't sell the crop, you don't make any money, do you?

I'd shop him in a heartbeat. Cannabis cultivation is no longer a couple of hippies with a greenhouse, like it was in my youth, it's big business and often involves organised crime, violence, weapons and exploitation.

altiara · 14/02/2018 08:11

I wouldn’t speak to your DB, just report it- if it’s nothing then you get to carry on the same relationship.
If it’s something, he will make it all about you and ruin your relationships with the rest of the family even if he is in the wrong.

Do you honestly think he’ll stop because you know what’s going on (assuming it’s true)? Because the person you’re describing doesn’t sound like they would.

numbereightyone · 14/02/2018 08:15

I wouldn't tell him that you suspect he is lying about the bingo win. People can become very aggressive when they are backed into a corner.

LakieLady · 14/02/2018 08:22

cannabis has recognized therapeutic and medicinal properties, it's not like he's a serial killer now is it

It can cause psychosis and, according to the trainer at a course I was on, is 6 times more carcinogenic than tobacco.

numbereightyone · 14/02/2018 08:29

Well said LakieLady' That shit is seriously fucking up a generation of teenagers.

jkl0311 · 14/02/2018 08:30

@Choc0lat I wouldn't confront your DB or report it, let sleeping dogs lie they wake up in the end with out you poking them!
Seriously this won't end well confronting or telling parents or police. You won't make him rethink, he's an adult and consciously made this choice.

Abracadabraapileofbollocks · 14/02/2018 08:31

Report him. The chances are he will continue to get deeper into criminality thus putting himself and his immediate family at risk. The cannabis grower on an old street I lived on was attacked in the (quiet residential) street in broad daylight by two people, one with a machete and died of his injuries.
At this point he can get a fine, a slap on the wrist and leave it behind. Better for his own safety and that of his partner and child.

littletike · 14/02/2018 08:40

You don't actually know what he's doing or who he's involved with so either say nothing or report it. But don't confront him or discuss with anyone else as you don't know what the ramifications for you and your family might be.

eloisesparkle · 14/02/2018 09:32

I'd say nothing to him. Be careful.
I'd report your suspicion to anonymous police phone line.
Your information is hearsay. The police can investigate.

UnmitigatedBollocks · 14/02/2018 09:46

Of course report it. It doesn’t matter what your motivation is. It’s the right thing to do. If he’s innocent then no harm done.

CakeOfThePan · 14/02/2018 11:11

Oh lord what a dilemma. I know of a few people who have grown it, all bar one have been caught. The one that didn’t, told no one and did it on a small scale to get himself out of debt and knocked it on the head. Even his wife didn’t know it was in their house.

I think your brother is about to be caught if that person knows and they’ve told your husband you can bet others know and it won’t be long. Your brothers got greedy.
You have two choices you report or you give your brother a heads up that it’s being talked about and he needs to knock it on the head. I’d suggest only him or his wife visits the house to clear it out not both. It will be watched and the photos used as evidence they both knew and your nephew will be without a parent whilst they both do time.

The people I know who were caught had to sell their houses and cars to repay what it was believed they had made - one had just set up so hasn’t made anything yet but had to sell his house —shame—

You can’t confront him and tell the police, the fallout will go on and on (think no volunteering at school or guides) so do one or the other.

BeHappyMummy · 14/02/2018 11:31

Make him get rid of it before he could get in to big trouble.

Better than reporting your own family.

BeHappyMummy · 14/02/2018 11:31

If a neighbour or friend was doing this, I doubt many woulf actually report it. Even if it was a stranger. Be realistic!

Swipe left for the next trending thread