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AIBU?

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Original poster

To consider telling everyone the truth

247 replies

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 13:59

Afternoon. I'm posting because I'm completely exhausted with feeling the way I do about my DB and having to keep quiet about this situation. I can't go into every little detail as I don't want to be outed on here but here goes. I have two brothers, one older and one younger. The younger one and I get on really well but my older db is a complete nightmare and even more so since he met his wife to be. My db is obsessive by nature, extremely money driven and is all me me me. He pretends to care about other people and will do things for people but it's easy to see that he resents it and it's all an act.

So, just before Christmas he announced to the family that he and his partner had come into a fairly substantial amount of money. He claimed his girlfriend had won it online playing bingo and no one thought anymore of it. We congratulated them both and as expected got on with our own lives. However there were a few things that weren't adding up when I thought about it and occasionally they'd act cagey but again, i never thought any more of it.

That was until a few days ago my partner was in the pub having a drink with a friend after work and a mutual friend of his and my brothers came over and asked for a word. This man is a long trusted friend and friend of the family and he said he had something important to tell my partner. He told him that my db and his girlfriend didn't win a penny online and that the money came from somewhere else. I can't say were exactly but let's just say it's not legal. My dp told me about this when he got back home and I have thought of nothing else since.

Like I said I completely trust this person and whilst I love my db I can't say I trust him in the same way as I know him though and through and he is relentless, driven and will stop at nothing to get what he wants no matter who gets hurt or how risky it is. Now I'm wondering what do I do with this information.

I felt pure disgust and anger when I found out and feel that my db is a complete disgrace. What he has done is incredibly risky, immoral and even more so when you factor in the they have a young baby that needs taking care of. What gets me is that he goes around pretending he's perfect, he judges me on my life when I don't hurt anyone, will do anything for my friends and family and usually keep my nose out of other people's business.

I know he didn't have to but he hasn't provided any proof that he and his girlfriend won this money and knowing him the way I do I'm pretty certain what has been said about him is true. If it were me who had come into such an amount of money I wouldn't be telling all and sundry but I'd no doubt show my parents, friends and family the cheque I'd received or a picture of my big fat bank account. I know that people are different but like I've already said I know my db and he would be shouting it from the rooftops an showing everyone if he'd really won that money. My parents think the sun shines out of his backside and haven't a clue what's been going on so now I need to decide what to do. Just do me a favour though, say anything you want but don't accuse me of beig jelalois, ie of his money or the attention he gets from my parents. I'm a grown adult and I'm not driven by money, I'm driven by my kids, partner, living life etc. My parents are amazing and treat all three of us the same but they, like the rest of our family are being lied to day in day out and I don't think it's fair. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/02/2018 17:36

If the bills have shot up at the house that can trigger an investigation...

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2018 17:56

Why bother to confront? He's going to deny it, they always do. And when he does are you going to say 'Ok, well that's OK then, he say's no' or would you be suspicious enough to call the police. And if he does admit it, what then? Are you going to shop him knowing that he'd know you were the one?

Can you honestly see ANYONE saying "Oh, yes as a matter of fact my money DOES come from a 'grow house' or a meth lab, why do you ask?' Or 'Oh, dear, XXX is upset. I'd better stop to spare their feelings!'. Get real.

The fact of the matter is that he is contributing to the failure and ruin of countless lives, many of them innocent. Either because of the effects of the drugs he's manufacturing on the user or their loved ones. He's also contributing to the deaths of innocent people through addiction and violence. Ask yourself if your doubt or fear of offending is worse than that.

Call the police and report anonymously. It will be up to them to pursue the lead and they tend to do that without contacting the person suspected until they have multiple sources of proof. If he's innocent no harm will come to him.. If he's guilty, he'll get what he deserves.

ohfortuna · 13/02/2018 17:57

cannabis has recognized therapeutic and medicinal properties, it's not like he's a serial killer now is it
mind you if he's making money he ought to be paying tax on it didnt he, he needs some sort of legit front to launder the money so he can do the right thing and pay his taxes
there, problem solved :o

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2018 17:59

Weed is legal where I live, I partake occasionally, and I still say report it. There are other crimes connected with illegal grow houses and 'wholesaling', many of them violent, gang- or organized crime-related crimes.

ohfortuna · 13/02/2018 18:00

The fact of the matter is that he is contributing to the failure and ruin of countless lives, many of them innocent. Either because of the effects of the drugs he's manufacturing on the user or their loved ones
one could say the same about the manufacturers and purveyors of alcohol, or gambling outlets...or fast food outlets

MeganBacon · 13/02/2018 18:00

If you leave it he will continue to do whatever he's doing until eventually he is found out. I think it's better to be caught early. I think you are right to be concerned and disagree with those posters who advise you to keep out of it. I think you sound very nice actually. So tackle it head on - tell him what you have heard, say others will have heard it too (which is true - you won't have been the first) and tell him to sort it out before someone tells the police. And tell him he's an idiot.

SurfnTerfFantasticmissfoxy · 13/02/2018 18:04

TBH I'd be reporting them to Crime Stoppers and Social Services

Estellanpip · 13/02/2018 18:07

I wouldn't do a 'big reveal' to everyone based on pub gossip.
I wouldn't confront him.
I wouldn't shop him.
But I would give him a 'heads up' that 'trusted friend' told you something about him, and pass the info back to him.
If he gets found out, which is more than likely, you won't have had a hand in it.

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 13/02/2018 18:08

What surfnterf said. Please report him.

BitOfFun · 13/02/2018 18:23

'Trusted Friend' would probably end up getting his head kicked in.

Theshipsong · 13/02/2018 18:25

Weed isn’t legal where I live and I don’t partake but I am in favour of legalizing it if only to stop the gangs. If your brother has some small grow house and is growing it for his own consumption I’d very much advocate minding your own business.

You say he is making substantial money but if he has growing for a long time and saving up his profit then maybe he is small time. I guess if he felt the need to justify the means of his money, we are talking tens of thousands and that is another matter?

mikeyssister · 13/02/2018 18:58

one could say the same about the manufacturers and purveyors of alcohol, or gambling outlets...or fast food outlets

The difference is they are legal and drugs are not.

Theshipsong · 13/02/2018 19:03

You could argue that there is little difference between alcohol and weed though and it is probably a matter of time before it is legal.

mikeyssister · 13/02/2018 19:09

@Theshipsong that's irrelevant. Right now it's illegal and alcohol isn't.

LittleLostLion · 13/02/2018 19:12

I don’t understand, you say it isn’t a violent crime and it isn’t drug dealing but it sounds like he’s cultivating or using his old home as a meth lab.

How can these not be seen as violent or dealing? Violence stems from drugs, and if he’s cultivating or making meth he’s dealing.

Plumsofwrath · 13/02/2018 19:16

In your shoes, OP, I would tell your DB that you know what he’s doing on. Don’t tell him how you know. At the same time I would say that I will tell nobody anything, on condition that the whole thing is stopped and wound up within 3 months. I would tell him that he’s lucky I’m not going straight to the police.

I would have no contact with him during those 3 months. I would, by and large, stonewall.

At the end of those 3 months I would tell him that I’m going to shop him to the police unless he can prove to me that his property has been emptied. Of course, he could move the whole outfit elsewhere, and perhaps he will, but I would also tell him that at the slightest whiff of this happening again I would go straight to the police.

Unfortunately you have a good for nothing brother. He’s impacting the whole family. You will never be able to trust him again. Don’t tell your parents. Unfortunately, it will probably only be a matter of time before they find out for themselves.

What a sorry state of affairs.

RedDogsBeg · 13/02/2018 19:24

These posters going "oh it's just a bit of weed/it should be legal/can't believe you would dob your brother in" the Law is not a pick and mix option. What other laws do you think aren't worthy of upholding? Would you be happy for other people to randomly ignore laws that they think are daft? Think that they should use that argument in their defence?

What he is doing is illegal, OP, and you should report it, don't tell anyone and leave the relevant authorities to deal with it as they see fit. Or live with the knowledge on your conscience that you are condoning what your brother is doing.

deste · 13/02/2018 19:38

Tell your brother you have a friend looking for accommodation ASAP and would it be possible for them to view it tomorrow. His reaction would say it all.

Allthewaves · 13/02/2018 19:45

I'd send an anonymous message to crime stoppers.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 13/02/2018 19:46

Why hasn't your DH friend anonymously reported it?

Must have been a huge cash windfall if they're claiming to know they'll have a massive payout every January based on current interest rates.

MoreHairyThanScary · 13/02/2018 19:51

Nothing good will come of telling your brother, he is just likely to turn on you....he's money orientated and not going to give that up without a fight.

Report it anonymously then see what happens. If he is doing something illegal it will catch up with him if not you have not irreparably damaged your relationship.

44PumpLane · 13/02/2018 20:14

Report anonymously OP.

For all those telling you to do nothing, genuinely, you are all part of what's wrong with today's society.
It seems like there should be a tacit acceptance of illegal and immoral behaviour in the guise of "keeping your nose out of other people's business". Tosh! It's all our business- and OP if there is nothing to find then nothing will be found.

CoffeeOrSleep · 13/02/2018 20:33

I think giraffesatthezoo's post is the best approach.

Tell him someone has told your DH that he's growing weed in his empty rental house. Stress you don't want to know either way, but on the slight chance this was true, you thought he should know it's being openly discussed, so sooner or later someone might say to the police.

emmyrose2000 · 14/02/2018 03:35

Whether you do tell the police or not (and personally I would, anonymously), do not under any circumstance talk to your brother about it - or any family member actually. If you do, it will come back to bite you when/if the police get involved, whether you were the one who dobbed him in or not.

SavvyBlancBlonde · 14/02/2018 05:04

Yep. Do not talk to your brother. It will tear the family apart. In fact, there is no good outcome if this rumour is true. Either you’ll be the black sheep for confronting himand the family will implode, or he’ll get arrested, jailed and the family will implode. And he’s probably already on the police radar - they have algorithms that cross reference with energy companies, voting registration etc. If he is doing as you suspect, then it’s a matter of when not if.

Are we talking horticulture or cough remedies?