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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To consider telling everyone the truth

247 replies

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 13:59

Afternoon. I'm posting because I'm completely exhausted with feeling the way I do about my DB and having to keep quiet about this situation. I can't go into every little detail as I don't want to be outed on here but here goes. I have two brothers, one older and one younger. The younger one and I get on really well but my older db is a complete nightmare and even more so since he met his wife to be. My db is obsessive by nature, extremely money driven and is all me me me. He pretends to care about other people and will do things for people but it's easy to see that he resents it and it's all an act.

So, just before Christmas he announced to the family that he and his partner had come into a fairly substantial amount of money. He claimed his girlfriend had won it online playing bingo and no one thought anymore of it. We congratulated them both and as expected got on with our own lives. However there were a few things that weren't adding up when I thought about it and occasionally they'd act cagey but again, i never thought any more of it.

That was until a few days ago my partner was in the pub having a drink with a friend after work and a mutual friend of his and my brothers came over and asked for a word. This man is a long trusted friend and friend of the family and he said he had something important to tell my partner. He told him that my db and his girlfriend didn't win a penny online and that the money came from somewhere else. I can't say were exactly but let's just say it's not legal. My dp told me about this when he got back home and I have thought of nothing else since.

Like I said I completely trust this person and whilst I love my db I can't say I trust him in the same way as I know him though and through and he is relentless, driven and will stop at nothing to get what he wants no matter who gets hurt or how risky it is. Now I'm wondering what do I do with this information.

I felt pure disgust and anger when I found out and feel that my db is a complete disgrace. What he has done is incredibly risky, immoral and even more so when you factor in the they have a young baby that needs taking care of. What gets me is that he goes around pretending he's perfect, he judges me on my life when I don't hurt anyone, will do anything for my friends and family and usually keep my nose out of other people's business.

I know he didn't have to but he hasn't provided any proof that he and his girlfriend won this money and knowing him the way I do I'm pretty certain what has been said about him is true. If it were me who had come into such an amount of money I wouldn't be telling all and sundry but I'd no doubt show my parents, friends and family the cheque I'd received or a picture of my big fat bank account. I know that people are different but like I've already said I know my db and he would be shouting it from the rooftops an showing everyone if he'd really won that money. My parents think the sun shines out of his backside and haven't a clue what's been going on so now I need to decide what to do. Just do me a favour though, say anything you want but don't accuse me of beig jelalois, ie of his money or the attention he gets from my parents. I'm a grown adult and I'm not driven by money, I'm driven by my kids, partner, living life etc. My parents are amazing and treat all three of us the same but they, like the rest of our family are being lied to day in day out and I don't think it's fair. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
MissDuke · 13/02/2018 15:33

If you really want to know if he is up to something, couldn't you ask him about the house and say you know someone who is desperate for short term accommodation or something and see how he reacts?

Tbh though I don't think it is for you to investigate (and your thoughts of contacting the bingo place seem crazy to me) but I would definitely think hard about contacting the police. If he is innocent then he will be fine - but I think its best to let them investigate rather than yourself.

I don't know what I would do in your shoes, I cannot imagine reporting friends or family but on the other hand this is such a serious crime. What if they both go to prison though, what will happen to your nephew? I honestly don't know what I would do. I feel for you op Flowers

blueletter · 13/02/2018 15:35

If he's growing weed, unless its on a massive scale, he won't go to prison. given he's announced a substantial 'win' he's clearly growing a fair bit and its clearly not his first time doing it either.

risk to their child if one or both goes to prison and I would also put risk from the people he is associating with too

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 15:35

Exactly what I was thinking. He's friendly with my db but he's known my dh since they were children. My dh trusts him 100%.

OP posts:
blueletter · 13/02/2018 15:37

Also if the OP doesnt investigate and the police do it then the OP wouldn't be treated poorly by her family. If shes seen to be asking questions then they;ll thing she dobbed him in and thats the last thing she needs.

BitOfFun · 13/02/2018 15:38

I'd be worried about who he has looking after the plants, after reading about gangs people trafficking and keeping teenagers from rural China and Vietnam locked in these houses tending the crop- it's very labour-intensive on a large scale. It sounds absolutely ridiculous, but google it.

LuckyLuckyWoman · 13/02/2018 15:38

I agree with PP report it to crimestoppers

If you tell him you know and someone else reports him, he will believe it is you

If you report it and the police investigate, if it's hearsay then nobody got hurt and it'll give your brother a tale to tell

If it turns out to be true on his head be it.

horseknickers · 13/02/2018 15:42

I don't understand the posters saying you can't dob him in to the Police, ring Crimestoppers. Drugs ruin lives.

WooWooSister · 13/02/2018 15:43

If people are discussing it in the pub then the police will find out eventually.
If your primary concern is your nephew then sit down with your dp, your db and your dsil and tell them that everyone in the pub is talking about his drug business and you've heard someone has reported them.

RedDogsBeg · 13/02/2018 15:47

No point in confronting him he'll just lie and turn it all round on you.

Report anonymously to the Police/Crimestoppers, leave it in their hands and say nothing to anyone else.

brogueish · 13/02/2018 15:48

Either you care about the wrong-doing (in which case report to crimestoppers and let them figure it out) or you don't. It's honestly that simple.

I've no idea what you think will come out of confronting your brother with the rumours. He denies it or he admits it, so what? What do you do with that information? If you then go to the police, he'll know it was you, potentially causing a huge family rift, or it might look like you're asking for a cut of the proceeds?

Let's face it, he's extremely unlikely to go "oh jeez, you found me out, I'll confess all to the family and never do it again" now is he...

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/02/2018 15:49

Don't confront him. What he's doing is very risky, and he could be angrier with you than you expect. If you report him, be certain that your partner and his friend won't drop you in it.

Coyoacan · 13/02/2018 15:52

I think you only have two alternatives, OP. Either report them to the police or keep their secret. Your parents will probably just want to shot the messenger and it does not sound like your brother is just going to stop because his family knows.

Giraffesarequitetall · 13/02/2018 15:56

I wouldn't confront him, you will be blamed when the police find out whether it is from you or another source altogether.

trappedinsuburbia · 13/02/2018 15:56

OP I would approach your brother in the way of that you have heard about this, so who else knows and that he is putting himself at serious risk of being caught if the wrong person catches wind of it.
I presume although your not that keen on him you wouldn't like to see him in prison.

TattyCat · 13/02/2018 16:00

1) the neighbours of his growhouse- significantly increased risk of fire

Just a question Op - how would you feel if this did happen, and someone died as a result? Would you feel ok that you didn't report it and could have prevented it?

That's quite apart from the lives that cannabis ruins.

BewareOfDragons · 13/02/2018 16:04

I'm finding it difficult to believe that most people on this thread would be absolutely delighted to find out that the house next door was a cannabis farm for illegal drug use. Not licensed for medical provision, but illegal drugs.

Very few people would be. And if any of you found out this was happening next door to your family and children, I suspect most would call the police.

Call the police anonymously, OP. Don't confront your brother. If it's not true; nothing will come of it if the police investigate. If it is true. well, frankly he and his wife deserve some repercussions for potentially endangering their neighbours and supplying illegal drugs.

MotherofTerriers · 13/02/2018 16:05

I would anonymously report it. If you confront him, and then report it, he will guess it was you who did the reporting, and that could cause no end of family rows
Or - say you've got a friend who would like to rent the house and could you look round and take a few photos for them.
But TBH, in your shoes I would quietly report. If there is nothing illegal going on, there's no family row. If there is, then the police would have caught up with him eventually.

ajandjjmum · 13/02/2018 16:10

I too would report it - but I wouldn't mention anything to anyone - keep it between you and your DH.

Except maybe next time he is nasty to you, say 'can't understanding why you're being like this, it's not as if I deal drugs or something'.

neveradullmoment99 · 13/02/2018 16:17

Leave it be. Its not your issue/problem. You have no idea what is going on.

Bekabeech · 13/02/2018 16:17

I can't believe some people are saying to dob in your own brother. If he is caught because of your actions, his child and wider family will be hurt.
But if he gets involved in some turf war etc. the nephew and wider family can also get hurt (and physically not just emotionally).

I would report to crime stoppers. I would not hint that I know to my brother.

Actually if they have turned their other house into a Cannabis farm they are also causing potential harm to the neighbours. Not just possible unsavoury types hanging around (or modern slavery in the form of someone caretaking the plants) but often an extreme fire risk.

neveradullmoment99 · 13/02/2018 16:19

I have to say that if you shop your brother, be prepared to lose contact with him forever. He will find out that you knew and your relationship will be over. I have to say, this happened in my extended family. Different situation but it tore the family apart. Leave well alone.

neveradullmoment99 · 13/02/2018 16:20

He will get caught eventually and your conscience will be clear.

NoodlesLivesHere · 13/02/2018 16:21

If you suspect he's growing drugs then definitely report him to someone. Crimestoppers or the police would do. There's no need to involve your family, they'll find out soon enough if it is true.

It's very rare for people growing illegal plants in properties to use the energy legitimately. They normally effect a bypass to the meters to obtain free or largely unmeasured energy. Not only is this also illegal but it's lethal too

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5319821/Man-charged-manslaughter-producing-cannabis.html sorry for the Daily Mail link but it's the first one I found.

If he's innocent of the accusation then the police will quickly establish this and you can forget all about the rumours.

neveradullmoment99 · 13/02/2018 16:22

If you decide not to call, you could talk to him and say that someone told you and that he should stop because he is in danger of being caught.

PercyPigAddict · 13/02/2018 16:31

It seems like you're ignoring all the sensible advice to tell police but NOT confront him. If he knows you know, he can blame you if he does get into trouble (and the rest of the family might blame you too.) If he doesn't know you know, there's nothing to link you with the police catching up to him.