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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To consider telling everyone the truth

247 replies

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 13:59

Afternoon. I'm posting because I'm completely exhausted with feeling the way I do about my DB and having to keep quiet about this situation. I can't go into every little detail as I don't want to be outed on here but here goes. I have two brothers, one older and one younger. The younger one and I get on really well but my older db is a complete nightmare and even more so since he met his wife to be. My db is obsessive by nature, extremely money driven and is all me me me. He pretends to care about other people and will do things for people but it's easy to see that he resents it and it's all an act.

So, just before Christmas he announced to the family that he and his partner had come into a fairly substantial amount of money. He claimed his girlfriend had won it online playing bingo and no one thought anymore of it. We congratulated them both and as expected got on with our own lives. However there were a few things that weren't adding up when I thought about it and occasionally they'd act cagey but again, i never thought any more of it.

That was until a few days ago my partner was in the pub having a drink with a friend after work and a mutual friend of his and my brothers came over and asked for a word. This man is a long trusted friend and friend of the family and he said he had something important to tell my partner. He told him that my db and his girlfriend didn't win a penny online and that the money came from somewhere else. I can't say were exactly but let's just say it's not legal. My dp told me about this when he got back home and I have thought of nothing else since.

Like I said I completely trust this person and whilst I love my db I can't say I trust him in the same way as I know him though and through and he is relentless, driven and will stop at nothing to get what he wants no matter who gets hurt or how risky it is. Now I'm wondering what do I do with this information.

I felt pure disgust and anger when I found out and feel that my db is a complete disgrace. What he has done is incredibly risky, immoral and even more so when you factor in the they have a young baby that needs taking care of. What gets me is that he goes around pretending he's perfect, he judges me on my life when I don't hurt anyone, will do anything for my friends and family and usually keep my nose out of other people's business.

I know he didn't have to but he hasn't provided any proof that he and his girlfriend won this money and knowing him the way I do I'm pretty certain what has been said about him is true. If it were me who had come into such an amount of money I wouldn't be telling all and sundry but I'd no doubt show my parents, friends and family the cheque I'd received or a picture of my big fat bank account. I know that people are different but like I've already said I know my db and he would be shouting it from the rooftops an showing everyone if he'd really won that money. My parents think the sun shines out of his backside and haven't a clue what's been going on so now I need to decide what to do. Just do me a favour though, say anything you want but don't accuse me of beig jelalois, ie of his money or the attention he gets from my parents. I'm a grown adult and I'm not driven by money, I'm driven by my kids, partner, living life etc. My parents are amazing and treat all three of us the same but they, like the rest of our family are being lied to day in day out and I don't think it's fair. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
HollyBayTree · 13/02/2018 14:14

what would happen if he did time and what would happen to my nephew?
Presumably the mother would get shitloads of benefits and a nice new counci house.

Bettyswitch · 13/02/2018 14:15

Keep it to yourself op!
As someone who has exactly the same family set up, its best to just stay out of it completely.
Your parents certainly wont thankyou for letting the cat out of the bag and chances are you could also incriminate yourself by getting involved.
Its his 'lie to live'

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 14:15

I don't think it is speculation though. There are other factors that I can't mention on here that make it incredibly unlikely that this is all a mistake. All the peices are fitting together a little too snugly now.

OP posts:
AllTheGoodOnesAreUnavailable · 13/02/2018 14:16

All you have is a Chinese whisper.

Even if you went to the police or told your family you have no evidence to support what you're saying.

Stay out of it or speak to your brother directly.

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 14:18

I'm not obsessing about the money he has. Honestly I couldn't give two hoots how much he has. For the last two months I believed they'd won this money legitimately and apart from an initial twang of jealously that most people would have I haven't thought on it all. I was happy for them both and even arranged a meal for all the family to celebrate.

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MyBrilliantDisguise · 13/02/2018 14:18

Well the next time he starts to bang on about where he got the money, just say, "That's funny, rumour has it that you got the money a different way..."

CuriousHedgehog · 13/02/2018 14:20

I don't think I could let someone get away with a crime that was hurting other people. I would report anonymously to the relevant authority and then try my best to forget I'd ever done so to avoid hurting parents etc. I'm sure this is an unpopular opinion, but it's what I'd do.

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 14:21

I think you're right in that my family won't thank me for telling them what I know. But then on the other hand if it were my child no matter what their age I'd what to know. You're also right in that I feel resentment towards my db. However this is not come about recently, and despite us not getting on as well as we do with our younger brother, I've never felt ill feelings towards him.

OP posts:
Namechanger124 · 13/02/2018 14:22

It's hard to judge without knowing what he is actually doing... I think you need to weigh up the risks of what he is doing to the people around you, is there a risk that the bigger drug dealers for e.g might burn down your parents house when he doesn't pay his debt.
I think id agree with above poster, if it's crime in the sense of violence, drug dealing etc then you need to tell, if it's benefit fraud etc where no one really gets hurt then leave him to it, he will get caught eventually.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/02/2018 14:22

All you can do is to be there to help pick up the pieces, for the innocent parties (ie. your nephew) if and when it all hits the fan.

YANBU to wish your db would stop being an unscrupulous git - but I don’t think there is anything you can do, to enforce this. I wouldn’t blame you for being peeved that he is apparently getting away with benefiting from his dishonesty.

bluecashmere · 13/02/2018 14:22

If the whispers have already started about it, chances are that eventually he will be found out. You have no proof so reporting is unlikely to lead anywhere. Stay out of it.

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 14:23

Let me just clear things up. It's not a violent crime or anything to do with benefit fraud but like I said it's not a victimless crime either. I'm not pretending here that I'm perfect but I've kept on the right side of the law all my life and so have the rest of my friends and family. My db hasn't been dragged up, he knows right from wrong but nothing is ever enough for him and he will do anything to get what he wants.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/02/2018 14:25

I would make a concerted effort to see and deal with him way way less , and not speak abiut him either

And that’s all I would do for now

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 14:25

It does involve drugs but as far as I am aware it doesn't involve dealing.

OP posts:
Fontella · 13/02/2018 14:26

It s crime and not a victimless one at that.

To be honest, that's the key issue here. As others have said, it's not about family relationships but about the fact that your brother is obtaining money illegally through criminal activity that actually hurts other people.

I would dob him in to the police - anonymously ... and leave them to investigate - it's their job not yours. It may well be that someone else will do that anyway, if the word is already out, but in your shoes - I would tip off the police.

If they uncover anything then your. parents will find out soon enough without you have to tell them anything.

GinIsIn · 13/02/2018 14:29

Involves drugs but not dealing? So they are either growing or manufacturing? In that case I would say something to the police as it puts your nephew at direct risk.

mumpoints · 13/02/2018 14:30

If it is to do with drugs, making, transporting, selling, stealing, it is to to with dealing. What else is there? Using... but no one ever made money that way.

FlyingElbows · 13/02/2018 14:31

Op for your own sake stop pretending that any of your "will nobody think of the children" stance is in any way altruistic. You're desperate for them to be "found out" (cannabis farming?) because then you'll be right and you'll be like a dog with two dicks when his crown topples. It's all about you being jealous... yes, you are... of your sibling and his status in your family. I'm not saying you're wrong, I don't doubt it at all, but it's not a healthy mindset for you. Consider maybe going low contact with him and free yourself from caring.

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 14:32

That's basically the top and bottom of it. They're not doing it in the home they share with my dn so I assume it's in the home that they own and used to rent out. There's currently no tenant in there and hasn't been for some time now. I was always saying to my db that he should get a tenant in as the money would help to pay towards their mortgage. Silly me eh.

OP posts:
Finola1step · 13/02/2018 14:33

Drug related - shop him. Because his behaviour puts your nephew in harm's way.

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 14:35

What do I have tonne jealous about? I'm incredibly close to both my parents and they've Keats treated us the same ever since we were children. I've already admitted I was a little envious at first when I heard about their "win" but that didn't last long and shockingly I've managed to get on with my own life fine these last few months. I can't help feeling anger and resentment towards hun niece though knowing what I do. I'm only human.

OP posts:
Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 14:36

Sorry about the typos I currently have a cuppa in my hand.

OP posts:
000bourneFarm · 13/02/2018 14:37

So it involves drugs, in a dedicated property, they have made significant amounts of money from it and many posters are telling you to keep your nose out.

Is that what I am hearing folks? Bloody ridiculous if so.

OP you should call the police anonymously.

loobywench · 13/02/2018 14:38

He'll get found out eventually be it suspicious neighbours (blacked out windows?) or exceptionally high electricity consumption. They look into these things

000bourneFarm · 13/02/2018 14:38

His actions put all children in harm's way not just OPs nephew.

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