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Original poster

To consider telling everyone the truth

247 replies

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 13:59

Afternoon. I'm posting because I'm completely exhausted with feeling the way I do about my DB and having to keep quiet about this situation. I can't go into every little detail as I don't want to be outed on here but here goes. I have two brothers, one older and one younger. The younger one and I get on really well but my older db is a complete nightmare and even more so since he met his wife to be. My db is obsessive by nature, extremely money driven and is all me me me. He pretends to care about other people and will do things for people but it's easy to see that he resents it and it's all an act.

So, just before Christmas he announced to the family that he and his partner had come into a fairly substantial amount of money. He claimed his girlfriend had won it online playing bingo and no one thought anymore of it. We congratulated them both and as expected got on with our own lives. However there were a few things that weren't adding up when I thought about it and occasionally they'd act cagey but again, i never thought any more of it.

That was until a few days ago my partner was in the pub having a drink with a friend after work and a mutual friend of his and my brothers came over and asked for a word. This man is a long trusted friend and friend of the family and he said he had something important to tell my partner. He told him that my db and his girlfriend didn't win a penny online and that the money came from somewhere else. I can't say were exactly but let's just say it's not legal. My dp told me about this when he got back home and I have thought of nothing else since.

Like I said I completely trust this person and whilst I love my db I can't say I trust him in the same way as I know him though and through and he is relentless, driven and will stop at nothing to get what he wants no matter who gets hurt or how risky it is. Now I'm wondering what do I do with this information.

I felt pure disgust and anger when I found out and feel that my db is a complete disgrace. What he has done is incredibly risky, immoral and even more so when you factor in the they have a young baby that needs taking care of. What gets me is that he goes around pretending he's perfect, he judges me on my life when I don't hurt anyone, will do anything for my friends and family and usually keep my nose out of other people's business.

I know he didn't have to but he hasn't provided any proof that he and his girlfriend won this money and knowing him the way I do I'm pretty certain what has been said about him is true. If it were me who had come into such an amount of money I wouldn't be telling all and sundry but I'd no doubt show my parents, friends and family the cheque I'd received or a picture of my big fat bank account. I know that people are different but like I've already said I know my db and he would be shouting it from the rooftops an showing everyone if he'd really won that money. My parents think the sun shines out of his backside and haven't a clue what's been going on so now I need to decide what to do. Just do me a favour though, say anything you want but don't accuse me of beig jelalois, ie of his money or the attention he gets from my parents. I'm a grown adult and I'm not driven by money, I'm driven by my kids, partner, living life etc. My parents are amazing and treat all three of us the same but they, like the rest of our family are being lied to day in day out and I don't think it's fair. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
lilybetsy · 13/02/2018 15:18

personally I would shop anyone I found out was growing cannabis. Its illegal and its NOT harmless. Brother or not its wrong and destroys lives. And how is he NOT dealing if hes growing the stuff. Call crime stoppers or report online. ....

Original poster
Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 15:19

Oh and yes you're right about the interest. They said every January they'll get a decent amount of interest from the bank the money is in. No idea why he told me that but it just came to mind when I seen it.

OP posts:
TooDamnSarky · 13/02/2018 15:19

I would tell your close family the truth... which is that you have heard people saying XYZ. You don't need to say whether or not your believe the rumours. But I think they have a right to know what is being said.
My guess is that they will chose not to believe what is said.

Original poster
Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 15:20

No, blueletter you have it pretty much spot on.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 13/02/2018 15:21

You'll be up a well-known creek without a paddle if you do confront him and you find the rumours are true; maybe it is just a rumour. What is the plan then?

Original poster
Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 15:21

It's quite possible they won't believe it. My family are amazing but some of them don't like the truth and liek to see the best in everyone.

OP posts:
Loz604 · 13/02/2018 15:22

People who are saying you are obsessed are ridiculous. I’d be exactly the same if this was happening in my family. Maybe others families and morals are different- if so who are we to judge!

walkingdowntheboulevard · 13/02/2018 15:23

There's only one thing to do,and that is go to,the police.

Original poster
Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 15:23

I suppose I don't need to tell my db who told my dh. I could just mention that husband had overheard a couple of people talking. I don't know. Like I said I'm an honest person and can't be doint with lies and deceit and my poker face is shite so I can't get away with blagging and what not.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 13/02/2018 15:24

I really wouldn't confront him. No matter if you tell the police or not, you will be held responsible for his (no doubt) eventual fall from grace.

Original poster
Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 15:25

I don't expect the perfect tv family life, in not deluded. All I want is family who have morals, who are honest, put others first and look out for each other. I know you can't control other people but I feel so let down my db. He is risking so much for pure greed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 15:26

But I haven't done anything wrong here. Lies tear families apart.

OP posts:
mikeyssister · 13/02/2018 15:26

So you've seen first hand the damage drugs can do but you're not prepared to report it to the proper authorities so they can investigate.

You're obviously not that upset by it.

needmysleep75 · 13/02/2018 15:27

If you confront your brother do you think that will stop him? He's not going to stop what he is doing because a sister he doesn't even get on with that well says so. And then when the police do catch up with him ( which they will eventually ) you'll get the blame even if it wasn't you. For your families sake tell the police in confidence. The other thing that would worry me if he's obviously selling them on, maybe the other people involved aren't as nice as your brother and if he tells them you know, you don't know where that might lead.

sparklepops123 · 13/02/2018 15:27

Your brother is not going to thank you for getting involved. Put an anonymous tip in to the police let them do their job

giraffesatthezoo · 13/02/2018 15:28

Look: what he's doing puts a number of people at risk.

  1. the neighbours of his growhouse- significantly increased risk of fire
  2. the people caught up with whatever drug dealers are supplying this. If he were selling it to a few mates I don't think growing cannabis is a big deal: on the scale described he will be involved with some sort of criminal gang to distribute it and almost all of them support trafficking, prostitution and a lot of much more nasty and harmful things
  3. risk to their child if one or both goes to prison.

What I would be tempted to do in your position, is go to him and say someone your DP knows who has links to the police came to warn him that he'd heard DB was involved in this and that there are plans for a big upcoming investigation into grow houses in your area. Act perplexed and say, you had no idea what he was taking about, could this be true? You'll be able to tell by his reaction if it's true, and you can say with clear conscience you've warned him. If he denies it, I'd be asking to see the rental property. Give him a few weeks, then contact the police- at that point, it won't be clear you shopped him, you'll have given him a chance, and you won't have anything on your conscience if someone were damaged in connection with what he's doing.

Grow houses are really easy to detect once someone has suspicions. They are being ridiculous if they think they can do this indefinitely.

Original poster
Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 15:29

I've not said I wouldn't report it. What I did say was intended to confront my db. This is to give him the opportunity to either come clean or convince me it's all a load of bull. But as I suspect it's not.

OP posts:
InsomniacAnonymous · 13/02/2018 15:30

I agree with the PP who said phone Crimestoppers. Your statement that it's not a victimless crime makes me think of the people who tricked my nearly 100 yr old mother out of thousands by pretending to be the bank. They will have "come into some money" too. Angry Tell the police for the sake of the victims please.

blueletter · 13/02/2018 15:30

OP if I was in your situ I would make an anonymous phone call to the police with what I believe to be happening and give the address of the house. Then leave them to it.

DO NOT confront him about this. You need to tell the police.

snash12 · 13/02/2018 15:31

If he's growing weed, unless its on a massive scale, he won't go to prison.

The whole house (and it would need to be something like a 3 bed or similar) would need to be stacked to the rafters for the police to actually send them to prison. They'll rip it out, give him a caution or suspended sentence and that'll be it.

I probably wouldn't bother reporting them because someone who lives near by will do it once the plants are ready to harvest.

Worldsworstcook · 13/02/2018 15:31

You know, I think you should report him anonymously. The police will investigate and not do anything till they have proof. You shouldn't have to keep this to yourself. It's not your problem and in pubs tbh where one person knows, several others do too. If there's no truth to it then he will be fine. I was one in a pub and heard a man boasting about cigarette runs abroad. He went once a week! I reported it - Nothing happened to him except he was pulled in and had all his contraband confiscated and a lookout was put on his future excursions but by this stage he'd amassed a small fortune as well as claiming all his benefits etc too.

Mulberry72 · 13/02/2018 15:31

OP I have a family member who had a cannabis grow in their loft.

Trust me, if the rumours are already circulating, then someone WILL grass your DB up, and quite frankly he deserves it.

My family member and their DP were frogmarched out of their house by the police and the pair of them served not unsubstantial sentences.

Original poster
Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 15:32

Thanks giraffesatthezoo. That makes complete sense. I'm so not used to the way things work and I think I'm a little naive in my thinking at times.

OP posts:
Worldsworstcook · 13/02/2018 15:32

And I don't think his friend would have confused in your DH if there was no truth to it

LizB62A · 13/02/2018 15:33

Don't confront your brother.
Don't tell him who told you.

Just contact Crimestoppers.