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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To consider telling everyone the truth

247 replies

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 13:59

Afternoon. I'm posting because I'm completely exhausted with feeling the way I do about my DB and having to keep quiet about this situation. I can't go into every little detail as I don't want to be outed on here but here goes. I have two brothers, one older and one younger. The younger one and I get on really well but my older db is a complete nightmare and even more so since he met his wife to be. My db is obsessive by nature, extremely money driven and is all me me me. He pretends to care about other people and will do things for people but it's easy to see that he resents it and it's all an act.

So, just before Christmas he announced to the family that he and his partner had come into a fairly substantial amount of money. He claimed his girlfriend had won it online playing bingo and no one thought anymore of it. We congratulated them both and as expected got on with our own lives. However there were a few things that weren't adding up when I thought about it and occasionally they'd act cagey but again, i never thought any more of it.

That was until a few days ago my partner was in the pub having a drink with a friend after work and a mutual friend of his and my brothers came over and asked for a word. This man is a long trusted friend and friend of the family and he said he had something important to tell my partner. He told him that my db and his girlfriend didn't win a penny online and that the money came from somewhere else. I can't say were exactly but let's just say it's not legal. My dp told me about this when he got back home and I have thought of nothing else since.

Like I said I completely trust this person and whilst I love my db I can't say I trust him in the same way as I know him though and through and he is relentless, driven and will stop at nothing to get what he wants no matter who gets hurt or how risky it is. Now I'm wondering what do I do with this information.

I felt pure disgust and anger when I found out and feel that my db is a complete disgrace. What he has done is incredibly risky, immoral and even more so when you factor in the they have a young baby that needs taking care of. What gets me is that he goes around pretending he's perfect, he judges me on my life when I don't hurt anyone, will do anything for my friends and family and usually keep my nose out of other people's business.

I know he didn't have to but he hasn't provided any proof that he and his girlfriend won this money and knowing him the way I do I'm pretty certain what has been said about him is true. If it were me who had come into such an amount of money I wouldn't be telling all and sundry but I'd no doubt show my parents, friends and family the cheque I'd received or a picture of my big fat bank account. I know that people are different but like I've already said I know my db and he would be shouting it from the rooftops an showing everyone if he'd really won that money. My parents think the sun shines out of his backside and haven't a clue what's been going on so now I need to decide what to do. Just do me a favour though, say anything you want but don't accuse me of beig jelalois, ie of his money or the attention he gets from my parents. I'm a grown adult and I'm not driven by money, I'm driven by my kids, partner, living life etc. My parents are amazing and treat all three of us the same but they, like the rest of our family are being lied to day in day out and I don't think it's fair. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
ohfortuna · 14/02/2018 11:34

Why did this long trusted friend of the family decide to tell the OP what her brother was up to?
Why not either shop him or keep quiet?

Plumsofwrath · 14/02/2018 11:43

I can’t believe all these posters who advise not saying anything because he’s her brother! What does that change? He’s still a criminal. The relationship might encourage a more softly softly approach, but does he get to get away with it because he has a sister?

Even worse are those saying don’t say anything because everyone will know she tatted on him. He’s the criminal, not her! He’s the one involved in drugs, not her!

It’s like half of MN are members of the Peaky Blinders!

ohfortuna · 14/02/2018 12:05

@Plumbs, knowing that my parents would be heartbroken if my brother went to prison that would make me think long and hard before I shopped my brother
If I shopped him and it was common knowledge that I shopped him I would be worried about reprisals from his criminal Associates.
It's all very well saying he's in the wrong turn him in but it's never that simple in real life is it

ohfortuna · 14/02/2018 12:09

Really I think I would be pissed off that this family friend had chosen to involve me

twoplytwoply · 14/02/2018 12:49

Crime is all of our business. You should report him. He'll keep doing it otherwise.

G120810 · 14/02/2018 14:41

Why is it so important to you how he got the money you aren't involved in the crime so shouldn't really be effecting yes u don't agree with it as to say I would be shouting about it showing my cheque off I highly doubt this would happen ure not going to be walking about with these things or show family as that would be rubbing people's face in it and he doesn't need to prove were he got money from either it's none of anyone's business or yours for that matter

jkl0311 · 14/02/2018 15:38

@Plumsofwrath so glad your not a sibling... no matter what they have done they are still family.

Motoko · 14/02/2018 15:42

so glad your not a sibling... no matter what they have done they are still family.

Would you still say that if a brother of yours raped and murdered a child, or old lady?

RedDogsBeg · 14/02/2018 15:49

They probably would Mkoto much like the ones who covered up for their children in the Rhys Jones murder.

Hygge · 14/02/2018 17:04

He's not going to be able to just stop doing this, or get rid of anything.

He's making a lot of money from this, and he won't be making that money in isolation.

Other people will be involved and invested in this, and he might not be 'dealing' in the way you mean OP, but he's getting money from someone.

And that someone isn't going to just let him walk away, even if he wants to, which he doesn't as he's already explaining away future profits he's expecting to make.

Don't tell him you know. He'll know who told you, and even if you think your brother won't harm you, the people he's working with might. Or they might hurt your friend. They might even hurt your brother for telling the friend in the first place.

I think you should report your concerns, but if you don't, your only other choice is to keep quiet to protect yourself, your DH, and your friend. Confronting him isn't an option, it just wouldn't be safe to let him know that you know what's going on.

You're going to have to look at your own conscience and decide if reporting him would be worse than keeping quiet and risking harm to other people in the ways already described on this thread.

HarveyKietelRabbit · 14/02/2018 17:21

Report him if you want but don't sneak around doing it anonymously then stand back and watch any potential outcome.

If you think something is so wrong you want to report it whether it be a crime or benefit fraud or whatever, stand by your judgement and own it.

ohfortuna · 14/02/2018 17:35

which he doesn't as he's already explaining away future profits he's expecting to make
I dont think he's thought it through very well, this month a 10K bingo win, next month a 10k premium bond win, what next 10k online poker
hahaha, no one's going to believe that

ohfortuna · 14/02/2018 17:38

word is already out and he's coming up with silly explanations for the money, he's hardly a master criminal and it'll soon all go tits up via his own incompetence

I think the OP has been set up by this family friend to take the blame for shopping him if he gets rumbled

Hygge · 14/02/2018 17:41

ohfortuna the OP said he's already told everybody he's expecting a large, regular interest payment from the bank that has the account with the lump sum in it.

So he's already tried to make it more plausible than winning the lottery once a month.

ohfortuna · 14/02/2018 17:47

with interest rates at 1 or 2% I cant see anyone getting a large monthly interest payment unless they have several million in there

PasswordInvalid · 14/02/2018 17:58

It's not hard to spot a house that's being used as a cannabis farm to be honest. Especially this time of year. You can normally tell if the house is empty and there's little/no snow on the roof compared to the neighbouring houses. It's not just the growing that will bring the law down on him, his electricity bill will be sky high, unless he's bypassed it. Curtains closed all the time, or blacked out at the windows. It'll only be a matter of time before he's caught anyway. Could you live with yourself if you grassed him up? Remember that this, in the long run will have an effect on you DN. if both parents are caught there may be a prison term. Personal items maybe removed also, under the proceeds of crime act.

GummyGoddess · 14/02/2018 18:21

Of course report. How will anybody know it's you since your DH was approached by someone else who knew?

Report and don't let anybody know you have done so. If it was for personal use then I'd say keep away, but it clearly isn't.

BlackeyedSusan · 14/02/2018 18:27

I would not discuss it with your brother or any other member of the family, because if it does go tits up they will blame you

I would seriously consider reportig them to crimestoppers. rival gangs or their own contacts are not adverse to using violence and taking disoputes out on family members. it may protect your nephew in the long run.

ohfortuna · 14/02/2018 18:33

did he not watch breaking bad fgs?
the proper thing is to buy a carwash

jkl0311 · 14/02/2018 18:52

@Motoko she's going off hear say!!! People can be just jealous know the house is vacant and put 2 and 2 together. You should stand by a sibling until you can see 100% which side is true.

Hygge · 14/02/2018 18:59

ohfortuna you understand that he hasn't won any money and there are no interest payments or monthly bingo wins in the future don't you?

He has lied to cover up how he got the first lot of money, and he's already lying to explain future money he expects to get.

The point isn't how good his lies are, it's that they show he has long term plans for continuing to do whatever crime it is he's taken part in, and he's already expecting to make a lot more money from it.

LemonysSnicket · 14/02/2018 19:12

People can get £1000s for keeping drugs ( coke etc) or drug money at theirs or in their property. Without growing or selling it but still obviously illegal ... could be this.

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