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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To consider telling everyone the truth

247 replies

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 13:59

Afternoon. I'm posting because I'm completely exhausted with feeling the way I do about my DB and having to keep quiet about this situation. I can't go into every little detail as I don't want to be outed on here but here goes. I have two brothers, one older and one younger. The younger one and I get on really well but my older db is a complete nightmare and even more so since he met his wife to be. My db is obsessive by nature, extremely money driven and is all me me me. He pretends to care about other people and will do things for people but it's easy to see that he resents it and it's all an act.

So, just before Christmas he announced to the family that he and his partner had come into a fairly substantial amount of money. He claimed his girlfriend had won it online playing bingo and no one thought anymore of it. We congratulated them both and as expected got on with our own lives. However there were a few things that weren't adding up when I thought about it and occasionally they'd act cagey but again, i never thought any more of it.

That was until a few days ago my partner was in the pub having a drink with a friend after work and a mutual friend of his and my brothers came over and asked for a word. This man is a long trusted friend and friend of the family and he said he had something important to tell my partner. He told him that my db and his girlfriend didn't win a penny online and that the money came from somewhere else. I can't say were exactly but let's just say it's not legal. My dp told me about this when he got back home and I have thought of nothing else since.

Like I said I completely trust this person and whilst I love my db I can't say I trust him in the same way as I know him though and through and he is relentless, driven and will stop at nothing to get what he wants no matter who gets hurt or how risky it is. Now I'm wondering what do I do with this information.

I felt pure disgust and anger when I found out and feel that my db is a complete disgrace. What he has done is incredibly risky, immoral and even more so when you factor in the they have a young baby that needs taking care of. What gets me is that he goes around pretending he's perfect, he judges me on my life when I don't hurt anyone, will do anything for my friends and family and usually keep my nose out of other people's business.

I know he didn't have to but he hasn't provided any proof that he and his girlfriend won this money and knowing him the way I do I'm pretty certain what has been said about him is true. If it were me who had come into such an amount of money I wouldn't be telling all and sundry but I'd no doubt show my parents, friends and family the cheque I'd received or a picture of my big fat bank account. I know that people are different but like I've already said I know my db and he would be shouting it from the rooftops an showing everyone if he'd really won that money. My parents think the sun shines out of his backside and haven't a clue what's been going on so now I need to decide what to do. Just do me a favour though, say anything you want but don't accuse me of beig jelalois, ie of his money or the attention he gets from my parents. I'm a grown adult and I'm not driven by money, I'm driven by my kids, partner, living life etc. My parents are amazing and treat all three of us the same but they, like the rest of our family are being lied to day in day out and I don't think it's fair. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 13/02/2018 14:51

You either report your suspicions anonymously to Crimestoppers, or you don't. Two choices.
(Growing cannabis, but not dealing? Yeah, right...)

Queenoftheblitz · 13/02/2018 14:51

I can't believe some people are saying to dob in your own brother. If he is caught because of your actions, his child and wider family will be hurt.
Keep out of it. Yes he's greedy. His business, his conscience.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/02/2018 14:52

All the police need to do is get the police helicopter to go over at night with a thermal imaging camera the place will be glowing white hot compared to the houses around it!.

It can be a huge risk for the neighbours. People who are farming on a larger scale often by-pass the electricity meters and run extra heating and lighting. A great combination of dodgy electrics and water. The house is quite possibly a huge fire risk. Additionally, I would imagine that the sort of people they have to deal with if they are trying to move larger amounts of cannabis are not model citizens and may not treat your brother and his family well.

JaneEyre70 · 13/02/2018 14:52

Report it anonymously to Crimestoppers. Once he's got a taste of the money, he will keep doing it. He is probably messing with the wrong sort of people, and for your parents sake if not your own, put a stop to it. He is a halfwit, but for the sake of family harmony, don't share your suspicions and just report it.

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 14:54

But they're clever. They know people would maybe wonder occasionally how they can afford all the flashy things on the salaries they have. Putting it aside and then announcing a win would mean they're free to announce it to everyone and free to spend their "winnings" without anyone suspecting. I'm not saying for sure people would suspect as I certainly didn't at first but people are different.

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Loz604 · 13/02/2018 14:56

Privately i’d ask him out right! And judge how shady the answer was. If he gets defensive there may be some truth in it. If there are innocent victims in this crime he is committing I’d want to know he was fully aware of the consequences- if it’s the elderly how would he feel if it happened to his parents....

If no one ever challenges him on it he will continue. Petty crime leads to bigger things.

Knittedfairies · 13/02/2018 14:59

They are not clever enough to hide the source of their new-found wealth completely though are they? If your 'trusted friend' knows/has suspicions, he won't be the only person to know.

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 15:01

It's just a shame I couldn't find our through the company they said they'd won it from. But I'm not phoning up pretending to be be girlfriend. I suck at lying and no doubt they would want all sorts of information before they'd talk to me.

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JamPasty · 13/02/2018 15:05

When in heck do you hope to get from confronting him? Seriously, don't do that. Confronting a drug dealer about their illegal activities is hardly a safe plan. Tell the police, anonymously if you must, and then step away - don't tell your family, unless you want a massive fall out.

Seriously though, for the love of fuck don't confront him

JamPasty · 13/02/2018 15:06

that should be "what in heck"

floriad · 13/02/2018 15:06

He knows it would upset certain family members but then at the same time my dp shouldn't be allowed to get away with what he's doing

I'd usually stay out of this.

But this sounds ike his actions could be hurting other people and cause a lot of trouble for you and your family.

I guess you and your DH could try to calmly confront your db.

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 15:06

I know my db is being a selfish greedy git but there's no way he'd harm me.

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Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 15:07

I think that's my only options or now floriad.

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needmysleep75 · 13/02/2018 15:09

For the sake of family harmony don't confront him, don't tell your family anything BUT if you feel strongly about it speak to the police they will investigate and they will not tell him you told them. If there is anything in it he will have to deal with the consequences if there isn't then no one will ever know.

floriad · 13/02/2018 15:11

However, depending on where you live and what he's doing:

Please be careful to not be associated with this (especially if it's actually a crime....)

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 15:11

I'm hoping my speaking to him I may be able to make him re think. Stupid I know but if he realises I know and other people might know then maybe he'll stop.

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missyB1 · 13/02/2018 15:12

All you have is gossip bandied around in the pub. You can’t reveal any truth because you don’t know anything for sure! Ask him or just forget it and get on with your own life. Personally I think you are a little too obsessed with your brother’s life and you need to distance yourself a bit.

derxa · 13/02/2018 15:12

I wouldn't tell the police. OP you sound very jealous. Let someone else do the dobbing in - if it's true.

brewsandbooks · 13/02/2018 15:12

Problem you have is if you know and this family friend know probably a lot of other people know you will probably do him the biggest favour by telling him you know because it won't be long till whispers get round and there is warrant at his door ! Not that he doesn't deserve that but things don't stay secret for long

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 15:12

Oh don't worry there's no way I could be associated with this. I wouldn't risk my family and my kids for any amount of money.

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Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 15:14

As far as I'm aware it's not gossip banded around the pub. My db has confided in his and my dp's friend and as far as I'm aware that's it. But this person is a decent guy and I guess felt like imhe had to say something. I trust what he's saying and as far as I can tell he has no reason to make up such things.

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Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 15:15

How am I obsessed? Usually I don't voice my opinion on anyone never mind my own brother. I simply found out some information and I'm responding to it.

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ToadOfSadness · 13/02/2018 15:15

People seem to be assuming it is cannabis, however it might be chemical based. The house might be full of pill making equipment and will not show up with a thermal search.

As to what you should do, you can't be 100% sure but you are pretty much positive it is illegal and immoral money. Sure enough to report anonymously as it is clearly bothering you.

Drugs are not only responsible for the deaths of those that use them, they are also responsible for the anguish of those that are robbed, burgled, trafficked, stabbed, shot - you get the idea.

blueletter · 13/02/2018 15:15

Transporting drugs? illegal prescriptions?

oh... Hes growing drugs? weed I presume. Sooner or later he will be caught out for his crime.

I am guessing from your messages he's doing whatever it is in the home he 'rents out' and I suspect he is claiming there is a tenant in that property as a way of laundering the money from the illegal activity but has built up a substantial amount and no way to legitimately explain it hence the big win. Later splurges could, I presume, be claimed to be interest or selling 'investments purchased with the winnings'

Anon phone call to the police that you are concerned would clear the matter up. Either they will find his illegal activity or they wont.

I suspect some folk know because your DB is a bit of a narcissist and likes to show off how big and clever he is without realising hes told the wrong person.

If I've got the wrong end of the stick ignore me.

Choc0lat · 13/02/2018 15:17

Why am I being accused of being jealous and obsessed? Yes granted you only know what I have told you but you don't know me. I'm happy in my own life and what I have. That doesn't mean however I'm not allowed an opinion especially when it's something as serious as this.

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