To fucking hate being a parent

[PeppersTheCat]

Never, at any point in this parenting journey, have I ever been able to say "I love being a mum!"

I have a DD7, DS6, DSD7 and DS6months and I feel like a bitter old woman who's life is over.

I'm not cut out for parenting. If I haven't got someone sucking on my body causing it to sweat and smell, then I've got someone trying to sit on me, or both at the same time. I can't wash. Can't go to the toilet without causing a crying fit. I can't get any work done even though my employers are waiting. Baby won't eat anything I give him, he just throws it on the floor. DH hides in his office doing important adult career stuff whilst I sit in my own sweat and get further and further behind in my work. (To be fare he takes the kids swimming and takes baby out for an hour a day).

I look disgusting, feel disguising and am sick of being a slave to the whims of small humans who do little but whine, argue and demand. DH fucking loves parenting. It makes him feel "complete" and "fulfilled". I suspect this is how "normal" people feel, but not me.

I've known since the minute DD was born that parenting wasn't for me. I had DS6 to give DD7 a sibling. Then I had DS5months to appease DH. I'm a terrible mother and I feel sorry for all of the children in my care. I should have stayed a spinster or partnered up with an infertile man. I'm 35 but will never have the life I know I'm best suited for (career woman with friends and hobbies). I'm a selfish cow but I can't overcome it.

Do you have any friends? Someone you could share your feelings with?

You deserve to be happy, this is getting difficult to read :(

I'd be open to group work, but I don't think they offer that option in my area, sadly.

Peppers - I had the most horrendous time trying to get pregnant, it was awful but with lots of cash, help from clinics and heartbreak along the way I got there. I have a 6 year old son and though I am not in your shoes and I love all the things (okay most of the things) that come with being a mother and whilst your opening post was difficult to read, I do understand the day to day, mundane difficulties.

Please ignore the idiots who have taken the time out of their day to be spiteful to you. Oh how lovely it must be to live in their perfect worlds, with their heaps of patience and their Mary Poppins personalities just waiting for the opportunity to 'mother'. They're just gobshites.

And on the subject of gobshites, your husband is one. He has been quite willing to father a child but it seems he is most unwilling to be a father TO the child.

He isn't doing enough. Relationships require support from both sides and he isn't providing that. That stinks and if you are to feel more comfortable and happier in your mothering role then then he needs to pull his finger out.

What's to stop you from going out for the day alone or heaven forbid a weekend where you can be who you are and come back refreshed and ready to really tackle your issues. If he isn't willing to give you that then you have to ask yourself why.

On Call the Midwife last night there was an old saying 'to feed a baby you must first feed the mother'. That's true physically but in your case I think it is true mentally.

See the GP, if needs be ask to see another.

You say, in a roundabout way that your children deserve a better Mum, well you deserve a better support network and then perhaps you will feel like the mother you think your children deserve.

I think you have been incredibly brave.

Would going back to work either full or part time cover the cost of a nanny? A few of my friends did this and it can work out really well, they felt they more fulfilled and that they were better mothers for being able to enjoy their DC evenings & weekends.

Also meant they got more time with their spouse as baby-sitter available. Of course that's not to say it doesn't come with some guilt and finding a nanny and getting started can be stressful., but could it be an option?

Peppers you are being a good mother - you're doing the best that you can in difficult circumstances. You are giving your baby the comfort and stability he needs - you are bfdg him and looking after him. You just think you're not (in both cases) You have such a lot on your plate. Please talk to your gp/hvisitor. They surely must be your first port of call. I don't think that hvisitor will just breathe down your neck. She is there to offer support and guidance. And I don't think that gp's just hand out antidepressants. There must be some sort of help they can offer, but you won't know unless you ask for help. You need to ask for help

If im honest too many people are focusing on how shit your DH is. When actually this is your perception is affected by your autism.
What I have actually read is that he takes them swimming and out for tea. Has the baby for an hour each day and sometimes cooks and cleans.
My son is autistic and he sees everything as black and white and if hes struggling everyone and thing is against him.
I would see your GP and ask for some counselling maybe jointly to work out what your triggers are. How he can help more and how you can both get more out of the relationship.
Dont focus on his negatives focus on some positive things you could do to make yourself happier.

tootired autsplaining isn’t needed here! Could it possibly be that her husband is actually a dick and not the OP being autistic that is the problem? Gaslighting helps no one! Him helping out once in a while does not invalidate her feelings of being burdened with the majority of the work... I can bet the OP is left with a lot of planning & decision making in her family which is ten times harder than the actual physical child caring.

Op taking the kids out an afternoon a week and doing his share of household chores may not be enough for you. If he entered into your relationship knowing you were autistic then he also has to accept he may have a greater caring role to play in both your and your children’s lives.

It can take a while to accept you need more help and that is not a failing. His not recognising your needing help and offering it is a failing. You need to be able to communicate to him that you need help and if possible what kind of help it is you need.

I totally get your persistence with breastfeeding but it is ok to stop if that is what you want to do. You’ve covered the most important part of the baby’s life and you could be confident in your knowledge that you have done your best. If you want to continue breastfeeding that’s ok too. You could also start mixed feeding so your oh can help out and give you alone time.

I know you think he’s doing his share but his alone time is truly alone, yours isn’t & that isn’t fair. Timetable truly alone time where you do exactly what you want to with no interruptions and no deviating from the timetable.

He is a dick because he’s not doing the main thing op needs help with - he’s hiding in his office rather than taking the baby for breaks.

He's still giving me the cold shoulder.

I'm sitting in the livingroom with all 4 kids and he's in the.... wait for it... office.

I don't know when I'll ever get to do my work :( I was awake all night wondering what to do. Leave him and go stay with my mum? She could hold baby while I work? But I don't want to rip the family apart :(

Pepper, what would happen if you just left him with all the kids for a week or two, went to stay with your mum maybe?

It sounds as though hes dumped all these kids on you and he seems to think that if he leaves them all with you then you'll HAVE to cope with them all - no, you dont. Have the week away, have two, have enough time for him to realise how much work youve been doing. He doesnt get to do the bits he fancies and then just let go of the rest and give you the cold shoulder until you pick it all up for him. He was the one who chose to be in a relationship with an Autistic woman, and sometimes that means doing more than "his share".

Why not go for a couple of days for a rest? It’s not mentally restful - if your Mum will support you to get that, then it doesn’t have to be as dramatic as leaving him, rest and mulling over time.

I’m wondering about the work question - is it just not affordable to pay for childcare and go back to work? I don’t remember you answering that.

I was back at work ft when my dc turned 7 months, Tgeres biblaw about the length of ML

what would happen if you just left him with all the kids for a week or two, went to stay with your mum maybe?

I mentally couldn't do that, especially the baby. My heart couldn't allow it. I would love regular breaks, but to be separated for a long time, no.

He was the one who chose to be in a relationship with an Autistic woman

I didn't realise I was autistic when we met. He didn't buy this package :(

I cant afford childcare, no.

Tbh yanbu op.

One is tough...4 must require superhuman reserves.

I dont get people who find parenting easy. Not my tribe. Loving your kids is easy...looking after them...not so much!

Op take your baby and give it to your partner.

Go and have a few hours to yourself, it doesn't matter if he's doing important work, or other bull shit excuses.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and have a break.

Keep accessing help, OP. Your road is harder than most, but you can do it. It won’t always be this difficult.

Ignore anyone being nasty here. They don’t get it.

I didn't realise I was autistic when we met

But youve always been the person you are, yes? For him to be in a relationship with you then it has to be ALL of you, not just what he tells you. I am also not maternal at all, and if a partner tried to leave me looking after 3 of his kids and a baby while telling me I should feel lucky because he holds the baby sometimes and does the odd bit of cooking, he would be disabused of that notion very quickly.

The suggestion of going away wasnt to try and punish you by being away from the baby, it was to highlight exactly how much he would have to do if you werent there, and remind him that he is in no way doing "at least half" of that. He either steps up and helps you or ends up looking after the kids 50/50 after the two of you break up.

I’m guessing he’s in his office because it’s normal working hours?

Put the telly on for the older three, and sit and have a think about how you want to deal with the baby. Personally I would stop breast feeding as I know it would be making me feel very trapped and over confined. Re your stepdaughters behaviour, take her by the hand to your dh’s office, and put her inside it whenever she misbehaves, and he can deal with her. Isolation from other children is an effective deterrent in nt girls this age.

It’s half term now, so maybe making a schedule would help you feel less overwhelmed, and that way you can see it on paper how much true alone time you and your husband each get.

Stormtrwader realistically, a marginally interested father is not going to have the kids 50/50. He’d have his own daughter, then the baby whenever he felt like it, which isn’t 50/50 now and wouldn’t be 50/50 then. The ops own Holstein wouldn’t see him at all

Children, not Holstein

Op have you spoke to your HV about the possibility of getting some support from Homestart/Surestart? I got a couple of hours support from them when DS was little and I was struggling with PND. Really made a world of difference to how I was feeling. My DH is really supportive so can’t imagine how hard it must be for you to not have that support xx

Loving your kids is easy...looking after them...not so much!

THIS!!

*Go and have a few hours to yourself, it doesn't matter if he's doing important work, or other bull shit excuses.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and have a break.*

It's not a case of simply feeling sorry for myself; he dumps the baby back on me and says "When you start paying all the bills, I'll look after the baby fulltime; please do so, I'd love it".

I’m guessing he’s in his office because it’s normal working hours?

He's in his office most of the day until 1am every night.

he would be disabused of that notion very quickly.

How precisely?

I don't think he'd want the baby for 50/50 until he's school-aged. I think he finds him boring and characterless. So no extra help from him if I leave. However I think my mum would try to help. She's not in the best of health but she would try her best. She doesn't drive and lives a long commute away, so I'd have to live with her.

It sounds as though one thing that would help is a routine - your partner needs to commit to set times for him to have the baby and for you to decide what you want to do with that time.

I also think talk to your hv about the lack of breaks/ability to pay for childcare.

I’ll be honest, I don’t see how you hope to get significant amounts of work done without childcare - you’re adding a layer of stress on your life about working - so as a couple, you couldn’t afford to pay for childcare whilst you built your work up, as an investment?

Originally he said he'd help me if I kept maternity leave to 6 months. He said he'd help me get my work done. Looks like I'm going to have to extend maternity to 1 year. I'm personally not comfortable with putting baby in a childcare setting before then (grandmas yes, but not a nursery or unknown person). This is just my personal feelings. I'm not having a go at anyone who uses childcare for infants so please don't let this thread spiral into a debate on that.

I love my child but I know I may not want another. You had three more??