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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fucking hate being a parent

318 replies

PeppersTheCat · 12/02/2018 16:01

Never, at any point in this parenting journey, have I ever been able to say "I love being a mum!"

I have a DD7, DS6, DSD7 and DS6months and I feel like a bitter old woman who's life is over.

I'm not cut out for parenting. If I haven't got someone sucking on my body causing it to sweat and smell, then I've got someone trying to sit on me, or both at the same time. I can't wash. Can't go to the toilet without causing a crying fit. I can't get any work done even though my employers are waiting. Baby won't eat anything I give him, he just throws it on the floor. DH hides in his office doing important adult career stuff whilst I sit in my own sweat and get further and further behind in my work. (To be fare he takes the kids swimming and takes baby out for an hour a day).

I look disgusting, feel disguising and am sick of being a slave to the whims of small humans who do little but whine, argue and demand. DH fucking loves parenting. It makes him feel "complete" and "fulfilled". I suspect this is how "normal" people feel, but not me.

I've known since the minute DD was born that parenting wasn't for me. I had DS6 to give DD7 a sibling. Then I had DS5months to appease DH. I'm a terrible mother and I feel sorry for all of the children in my care. I should have stayed a spinster or partnered up with an infertile man. I'm 35 but will never have the life I know I'm best suited for (career woman with friends and hobbies). I'm a selfish cow but I can't overcome it.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 12/02/2018 16:22

So your DH bullied you into having a baby and then does nothing to care for said baby?

newyearsameme80 · 12/02/2018 16:24

Do you need the working at 6 months? Is it making life harder for you to try to work as well, or is it a kind of lifeline for you to be doing that?

ReanimatedSGB · 12/02/2018 16:24

You need some professional support (ADs or counselling) and your H needs to pull his weight. The more of the latter you get, the less you will need the former.

VladmirsPoutine · 12/02/2018 16:24

The reason I suspect your H feels so 'complete' by this whole thing is that he's not the one doing the grunt work.

The horse has already bolted. So I won't go on about why you have 3 children and a step child if you hated it.

It sounds horrific and I don't know how people manage but here you are. Have you sough treatment for depression? And how are things divided with your H?

To your defence, I've seen this happen to many women over the years. They somehow get lost in motherhood and lose themselves and end up resenting it all. On another note I have wondered why the world is so over-populated considering parenthood is all rather thankless and horrific.

It's time to think about things pragmatically. What's the plan?

Botanistinhiding · 12/02/2018 16:24

i agree, give up bf - I found it made me more tired - you've done 6 months, the baby's had a good crack at it, so stop if you feel you want your body back (I remember feeling like this too).

Can you afford some nursery time so you can have a rest/put make-up on/feel like yourself again? I remember feeling like this too.

You know it gets better - the older ones can't be that much trouble at their age?

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 12/02/2018 16:24

I wish I had a wife. Would be amazing. I need someone to do the wifework.

oh, and enjoy it.

OP posts:
GeekyBlinders · 12/02/2018 16:25

First thing - don't have any more. Secondly, do you think you feel like this because you're still breastfeeding? Maybe it's time to stop? At least that gets rid of the sweaty/smelly/endless suckling issue. Then, can you afford to put your baby in childcare and go to work? Could you do this even if you won't be much better off with you working? The older ones presumably go to school, so maybe you could try to get something within school hours? Have you told your husband how you feel? Can he step up more? And does your stepchild live with you?

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 12/02/2018 16:25

of course you find it hard when people are touching you.

It's very scary and unsettling tbh, but what can I do?

OP posts:
FranticallyPeaceful · 12/02/2018 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Botanistinhiding · 12/02/2018 16:26

ha, DH and I are always joking that we both want a 1950s style wife. They are in short supply!

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 12/02/2018 16:26

do you ex partners have their kids at all?

Yes, my ex has the kids loads (although he offloads them onto his parents. I feel so very deeply sorry for them).

OP posts:
FragrantFloozy · 12/02/2018 16:27

I had two DC although I’m not remotely cut out for mothering.

It does get easier as they get older.
It does help to work outside of the home.
It is much more bearable if your OH pulls his weight.

This is what I’ve learned.

Botanistinhiding · 12/02/2018 16:27

have you told your DH you are feeling totally overwhelmed? Does the baby take a bottle at all at the moment? You do sound like you need more of a break than you're getting.

ShimmeringBollox · 12/02/2018 16:27

I'm sorry that you got such spiteful comments at first. MN really has changed and not for the better.
I hope you manage to get some support from this thread.
I echo some of the kinder posters who suggested going to see your gp as a starting point.

blackteasplease · 12/02/2018 16:28

Maybe your gp or someone with expertise in autism could help with coping strategies?

blackteasplease · 12/02/2018 16:29

I hadn't read your post that DCS 1 and 2 have the same Dad when I posted!

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 12/02/2018 16:29

So your DH bullied you into having a baby and then does nothing to care for said baby

I had an abortion before this baby. But I had this baby of my own free will. DH was very clear that he wanted more children so I knew if I wanted to be with him, then breeding is what I had to do. (And most men want kids, right?)

He holds baby for an hour a day and occasionally changes a nappy. He used to change all the nappies at first but that died out. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 12/02/2018 16:30

Do you need the working at 6 months? Is it making life harder for you to try to work as well, or is it a kind of lifeline for you to be doing that?

I'd rather focus the bulk of my energies on working tbh, as thats where i feel most fulfilled and my strengths lye. But no one will look after poor DS.

OP posts:
Botanistinhiding · 12/02/2018 16:30

well, that's not good enough pepper of your DH - sit him down and tell him you need more support than you're getting at the moment. How does the baby sleep? Because you sound tired - sometimes it's hard to tell depression apart from exhaustion.

MichaelBendfaster · 12/02/2018 16:31

DH hides in his office doing important adult career stuff

This must have a lot to do with you feeling how you feel. He needs to step up properly.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 12/02/2018 16:31

You need some professional support (ADs or counselling) and your H needs to pull his weight. The more of the latter you get, the less you will need the former.

I'm on quite a high dose of ADs and I have a CPN.

OP posts:
1stcrazylady · 12/02/2018 16:32

I do feel for you OP, but you have set your self up for hard work if you have the others to appease your husband. Get yourself some help and support and find a way to deal with it all.

Not everyone is cut out for parenthood, many don't have kids at all as they already know this, many stop at one vowing never to go there again, and there is nothing wrong with this it can take a lot of guts to say no against 'biology', but like I said you cracked on and had more.

You can still enjoy your life and get a lot out of your kids and family if you get support for your feelings.

I have two and wanted them, I still feel like I miss my old life so it can even still be tough even if you wanted kids.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 12/02/2018 16:32

the older ones can't be that much trouble at their age

The step is horrific, and my two copy her.

OP posts:
Gigimoll · 12/02/2018 16:33

Whilst I don't doubt you have your own problems this is what having kids is all about. But you did have a say in conceiving them I'm presuming and birthing them. Why would you go along with it knowing it wasn't for you after dd? Your partner doesn't sound like he forced you into it. I know it isn't helpful but I really think you need to talk to someone and sort possibly pnd out. Put your 6 month old on a bottle. Even tho I think it's great you breastfeed, you obviously and clearly need a break. Which is fine. I have one dd and I find her easy, but I'm due ds next month and I'm sure it'll get hard. I can't imagine 4.
Ask dp to take a week off to help you and relax and sort yourself out because and I'm guilty of this myself, you can't parent feeling as low as you do. If dp loves being a parent then he can give you a break.

KarmaStar · 12/02/2018 16:33

Hi OP,
I haven't got lots of practical advice that hasn't been suggested,what I can say is that things will get better.it might not be this year or next but eventually they will be more independent,have their own interests and activities,groups of friends and you will gradually get your life back.
A relative was in the same position as yourself,watched people hurrying off to important jobs whilst she was stuck at home with screaming kids.
Now she is a high powered manager at a huge organization,company car,lots of money and job satisfaction.yes her life is busy but she is happy and successful,it just came a bit later.
So please don't give up on your life.it will improve.Flowers