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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fucking hate being a parent

318 replies

PeppersTheCat · 12/02/2018 16:01

Never, at any point in this parenting journey, have I ever been able to say "I love being a mum!"

I have a DD7, DS6, DSD7 and DS6months and I feel like a bitter old woman who's life is over.

I'm not cut out for parenting. If I haven't got someone sucking on my body causing it to sweat and smell, then I've got someone trying to sit on me, or both at the same time. I can't wash. Can't go to the toilet without causing a crying fit. I can't get any work done even though my employers are waiting. Baby won't eat anything I give him, he just throws it on the floor. DH hides in his office doing important adult career stuff whilst I sit in my own sweat and get further and further behind in my work. (To be fare he takes the kids swimming and takes baby out for an hour a day).

I look disgusting, feel disguising and am sick of being a slave to the whims of small humans who do little but whine, argue and demand. DH fucking loves parenting. It makes him feel "complete" and "fulfilled". I suspect this is how "normal" people feel, but not me.

I've known since the minute DD was born that parenting wasn't for me. I had DS6 to give DD7 a sibling. Then I had DS5months to appease DH. I'm a terrible mother and I feel sorry for all of the children in my care. I should have stayed a spinster or partnered up with an infertile man. I'm 35 but will never have the life I know I'm best suited for (career woman with friends and hobbies). I'm a selfish cow but I can't overcome it.

OP posts:
botanistinhiding · 14/02/2018 13:51

yes, lenny is goading. So, so many days I wish I'd parented better peppers, so many times I've wished someone would come along and disappear them for a couple of days so I could have a rest - I'm sure most parents feel like that at times, but people don't like to hear it.

Personally I'm always a worse parent when I don't have the expectation of a break from it to look forward to, that's why I like routine and clear agreements on who is doing what, when.

It does seem to me like your 'D'H could help you by committing to a clear schedule that only has school holiday and non-school holiday/weekday and weekend variations. It might remove some of the conflict and trapped feelings imho.

gamerchick · 14/02/2018 13:51

Hmm another hugely supportive thread again I see. Mother at breaking point and all people can do is stick the boot in and tell her it’s her own fault.

I’m another one who thinks you would do better without the bloke. He obvious is ignoring the fact you’re autistic instead of helping you find the tools to keep your anxiety levels stable. You do need outside support I think. You’ll have to ask because fuck all gets offered these days. Give your HV a ring and stop worrying about social services, they aren’t the enemy and they can help or at least signpost you to places that are experienced in autism in adults.

I promise you that all this little person stage ends. It does, I bloody hated it as well and I had 3.

puglife15 · 14/02/2018 13:53

Your husband sounds truly awful, truly.

I'd try the move in with your mum for a bit at least to give yourself a little respite.

Can you and the baby go tonight while your other children are with their other parents?

JassyRadlett · 14/02/2018 13:53

Lenny, I think we’ve established that your capacity for empathy is zero, there’s no need to keep demonstrating it. Your last post is the most stupid of all you’ve written, which must have taken quite some effort as well as lack of reading comprehension.

Peppers, the training sounds really tough, but you said you find it rewarding? Can you map yourself out a long term plan to qualify and then set up your own life? The baby will be a toddler by then and the other two that little bit more self-sufficient. I think some people can forget how needy and tactile six and seven year olds can be. I’m not autistic, and only have two kids and actually really like parenting (not trying to be a smug arsehole, argh), but even so I just sometimes crave to sit on the sofa without a small person draped across me.

I would really think about doing formula for the baby. I EBF both mine past year but my GOD it was hard sometimes with the second one.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 14/02/2018 13:54

SS almost took my baby away. I will never be honest with health professionals ever again, sorry.

OP posts:
rightknockered · 14/02/2018 14:04

SS can not illegally remove a baby. But I understand it makes your nervous. Have you been to the GP or spoken to the midwife about your PND? Are you on meds, sorry if you have mentioned already.
I would seriously think of introducing some formula in a bottle now, or a cup, you should be weaning now, I think, unless the guidelines have changed again for that. I can understand your desire to exclusively BF, but it won't harm the baby to start having some formula since food will be introduced now anyway, and you need something to give, you're clearly at breaking point.
As for cooking, get in a takeaway occasionally. Kids will love it. If your H complains, he can cook for himself.

rightknockered · 14/02/2018 14:06

I think I may know you, you sound familiar to me. You know I'm autistic and have three on the spectrum. xx
You need to put yourself first so you can take care of your children. They need a healthy mum xx

gamerchick · 14/02/2018 14:07

OP you don’t have to tell them you’re struggling to ask for help. You’ve had a recent diagnosis of autism and would like to know what there is out there in terms of support. To meet other parents who have autism type of thing. I think if you had access to others who know the score it would help you.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 14/02/2018 14:09

I am really hoping, because its Valentines, DH will be kind and drop me at my mums tonight. Very hard to travel with the baby otherwise. I need space to think.

OP posts:
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 14/02/2018 14:10

It will get better. When the youngest's in school, you'll have 6 hours a day to do what you want. 😊FlowersBrewCake

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 14/02/2018 14:17

You have to put your baby down to go to the loo and have a shower, even if he's crying. I learnt that with DD2. The poor girl was starving as she had a weak suck and fell asleep from exhaustion before she was full. She gave up bf completely when she was 8 months.

JoeyMaynardssolidlump · 14/02/2018 14:40

Apologies op havnt read the thread but in my experience people who examine themselves and they’re parenting like you do are usually blooming good parents even if they don’t think they are.

Your dh sounds a knob love. No wonder you are finding things overwhelming Flowers

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 14/02/2018 15:58

I've bought myself chocolate and wine. Happy Valentines Day.

OP posts:
Desperatelyseekingsun · 14/02/2018 16:23

What do you mean by social services almost took my baby away? Do you mean your DC have had child protection intervention in the past? Or that you have been referred for social care assessment? Babies are only removed by courts, not social workers once significant concerns have been identified and carers have been unable to address them. It is the final stage in a long multi agency process.

On a practical note if you aren't well enough to care for four DC at present make sure that you find a holiday club for the next break, Easter and get the older ones booked in.
Order some food in, use paper plates or kitchen towel for pizza. Or go out to Macdonalds. Take all the short cuts you can to get through this time.
Seek more medical help.

Lloyd45 · 14/02/2018 16:38

I love my children and have enjoyed being with them but I can only cope with one child at a time so there is 14 years between my 2, I could never cope with 4 under 7, I am far to selfish and need to be able to have my own hobbies, I would never ever for whatever reason have changed my mind, for a man or for siblings to have company

Lizzie48 · 14/02/2018 17:08

I'm so sorry you're finding things difficult, OP. It sounds like you actually have a lot of love for your DC but have been made to feel really shit by your DH.

I'm another one that finds having my DDs cling to me hard to cope with, in my case because I find it hard to cope with physical displays of affection after suffering childhood SA. It doesn't mean I don't love them, I just always feel I need my own space.

Your DH needs to step up where your baby is concerned, especially as he pressured you into having another child.

DeathStare · 14/02/2018 17:56

Peppers - can I make one very small, practical suggestion?

Prioritise going to the gym. Having read all your posts on this thread the one thing that really stuck out to me was you saying how much you miss the gym. You need to get out of the house - alone. You need to do something that is just for you, that you enjoy, that gives you self-esteem. And exercise is really good for mental health.

Literally write an appointment on your calendar for a specific time when you know your DH will be in and can (whether he wants to or not) watch the DC. Write one in for 3 or 4 times a week. Tell him it's immoveable. You won't be gone long - he will cope no matter what he says. But you need to do something for you

Lizzie48 · 14/02/2018 18:18

I agree with DeathStare absolutely, that would really make a difference, I think. Smile

Caterina99 · 15/02/2018 02:00

OP I do not have autism and I only have 2 children (2.5 and 4 months) and I would be seriously struggling with 3 primary school kids on half term and a baby and trying to work. I also have a supportive DH, and I still have days where I just want to scream and walk out the door.

Definitely get some time for yourself. Does the baby not sleep on his own? Try and make napping and bedtime and if you want to then bottle feeding a priority. My kids are both in bed by 7pm and I absolutely need that time to myself on an evening with no one touching or pestering me

juddyrockingcloggs · 15/02/2018 07:40

Excellent advice from DeathStare

StatisticallyChallenged · 15/02/2018 09:53

It sounds to me like the fundamental problem is that your DH refuses to understand or make any allowances for your autism, and that's a pretty fucking big problem.

I'm like you btw, I was diagnosed after I got married so my DH got autism as an added bonus too.

He's pressurizing you to "be normal"; the problem is that your disability (I know some people don't like to think of autism as a disability but bear with me) means that this isn't possible for you all of the time. There will be times when you can mask well, and there will be times when your symptoms are just less obvious because you're happier, less stressed etc, but it will always be there. Him demanding "normal" from you is no different to him complaining that someone with severe arthritis can't consistently walk 5 miles. Some days it might be possible, some days completely impossible, and no amount of pushing you is going to fix it.

He is being awful to you. I do understand what you mean about being difficult to live with at times, I get all of that. But his reactions are not in any way appropriate.

Placebogirl · 15/02/2018 13:37

I hardly ever post on Mumsnet but: I do not have an autism diagnosis, nor any reason to seek one and I can tell you straight I would have had a crying shitfit if I was left for 12 hours with a small EBF baby and three older kids to look after. Especially when one of the kids was purportedly there to spend time with her absent father who was using me as free childcare. I guess there is some chance I could be autistic, but actually, I don't think all or even many NT women would cope in that situation either.

I hope you get the support you need, OP. I hope you get back to the gym, because I think that would make the world of difference to you--it's great for my mental health. If I was there I would come and take your baby for an hour every day so you could do it and (dirty little secret) babies aren't really my thing.

VladmirsPoutine · 15/02/2018 13:42

Not to dismiss the autism but I'd bet my house that even if OP was neuro-typical she'd still be struggling under these current circumstances. The autism might exacerbate it but it by no means defines it.

Flockoftreegulls · 15/02/2018 13:43

YADNBU

StatisticallyChallenged · 15/02/2018 13:45

Oh I agree, I think most people would be struggling under these circumstances. It's more that the circumstances themselves will, eventually, improve; the older kids will go back to school, the baby will get older, etc. I know that's no comfort now btw. But the DH wanting his autistic wife to somehow pretend she's NT is a pretty permanent issue unless he gets a fucking clue.