To fucking hate being a parent

[PeppersTheCat]

Never, at any point in this parenting journey, have I ever been able to say "I love being a mum!"

I have a DD7, DS6, DSD7 and DS6months and I feel like a bitter old woman who's life is over.

I'm not cut out for parenting. If I haven't got someone sucking on my body causing it to sweat and smell, then I've got someone trying to sit on me, or both at the same time. I can't wash. Can't go to the toilet without causing a crying fit. I can't get any work done even though my employers are waiting. Baby won't eat anything I give him, he just throws it on the floor. DH hides in his office doing important adult career stuff whilst I sit in my own sweat and get further and further behind in my work. (To be fare he takes the kids swimming and takes baby out for an hour a day).

I look disgusting, feel disguising and am sick of being a slave to the whims of small humans who do little but whine, argue and demand. DH fucking loves parenting. It makes him feel "complete" and "fulfilled". I suspect this is how "normal" people feel, but not me.

I've known since the minute DD was born that parenting wasn't for me. I had DS6 to give DD7 a sibling. Then I had DS5months to appease DH. I'm a terrible mother and I feel sorry for all of the children in my care. I should have stayed a spinster or partnered up with an infertile man. I'm 35 but will never have the life I know I'm best suited for (career woman with friends and hobbies). I'm a selfish cow but I can't overcome it.

He does more than some men, but not than most, and there are many men who day a far bigger share.

My DH is far from perfect, but here's what he did when our DD was little - this isn't to make you feel bad but to show you what a guy can do when he chooses to!

-working PT (approx 25 hours IIRC) from when DD was about 4 months or so
-two nights a week of night wakings (I was still on mat leave and he has epilepsy so tiredness is dangerous, hence only 2)
-way more nappies than me!!
-Made up feeds at least half of the time
-regularly put her in the sling and walked in circles (refluxy baby from hell)
-probably around half of her feeds
-came with me to all of her health visitor/vaccination type appointments.
-plenty of cleaning and tidying

Once I went back to work (FT) he did the nursery drops offs and picks up. He does the school runs now as his work fits around them, unlike mine. I travel regularly for work and he's absolutely fine with that.

That's why, despite hating pregnancy and having autism I'm ok with number 2. Because I have a partner who pulls his fucking weight with our child.

Bath is next door to his office, so don't think I'll bother with that.

I'll stay in the livingroom downstairs.

Feel lonely and wondering if there's more to life than this? I thought people in relationships cuddled up on the sofa together? At least that is always the way I've fantasised about it. We hardly ever do that. Most nights I just sit alone at the laptop with DS then go to bed alone. I feel really lonely :(

i often read posts on here,occassionally query why i frequent it AT All cos it can be very judgy.auto-right,which makes me query where the ops end up going for actual help.or if they ever get it?..hey mumsnet..you could add a follow up page maybe.anyhow.im being judgy.i am auto-right.wherever op goes for help for the love of whatever you love..please DO not follow the last three "suggestion"s..even if she thought she was being bad cop.she fucked up n went right to psycho lady.(refer to Annwithnoe). ...outwith that.if you love this guy enough you knew the kids deal was part of it..why havent you ran all this past him.email him the full page if stuck?cant ignore that surely?

OP your comment about your baby with beautiful eyes broke me..
You have your struggles and you've lost you. But you can get you back. You just need the right help for it. A night off. Your dh needs to pull his weight after what I've read. I'm so pleased to see that you've given ds to him and to make yourself a cup of tea. Parenting may not be for you. But those babies (maybe not step baby) love you more than you know. You're superwoman to them even if you don't feel it and don't feel cut out for it. The fact you're here is saying already you care and you're acknowledging that you want to sort this out for all of you.
Take your night off with ds. Introduce a bottle so dh can pull his weight and give you a rest x

Peppers I've messaged you sweet x

I really wish I could give you a hug. There is more to life than this. Do you have friends or family? A good support system?

Go OP.

If he wants to be a partner and father he needs to be with you. If he wants to hide in his cave he needs to have the kids every other weekend and one night in the week from his new adress

So you never get anytime in each other's company

Never just the two of us, no.

He's taking the piss.

Maybe this is what he wants from a relationship? I don't understand it myself. Seems not that different to being single.

I will take the baby off your hands if you want, as would loads of other people on this board. I think you need to speak to your DH, sort out some support from him and counselling to sort some self esteem.

Sorry that you are feeling shitty at the moment and hope things improve

Peppers I had that life! I recognise myself in what you say. I thought married people were meant to curl up on the sofa together, but each time we did, I would read the newspaper/my phone/play with the log burner/do something practical, that then I ended up in the study most nights, he in the sitting room, and we grew apart.

We tried Relate. Please think about this. I realised that how I was not asking for support was causing problems and I was protesting; but this was the top end of the root, which was that he was not pulling his weight, and that he had different expectations to me. My diagnosis has helped, but we separated before that.

I echo the PP who said think about revisiting some of the childcare agreements, and talk talk talk. In a pragmatic and factual manner. He doesn't sound like he is budging much from his pre-child self.

Best of luck x

Sleeping "If he wants to hide in his cave he needs to have the kids every other weekend and one night in the week from his new adress"

No. It is the OP who needs to stop being the main carer, for her happiness and sanity.

Riverside2 I guess that didn't translate as I intended. I meant he either wants to be in the marriage or not. If he wants,to hide in his cave and not help and not have an actual relationship then he shouldn't be in that relationship

It's bloody hard & unrelenting, not enough people say it irl but it is.

I completely understand being touched out I'm getting it a lot at the minute too (I have 5 dc, youngest is also 6 months old). Pp are right you're dh isn't doing his fair share. Without going in to specifics mine is out the house 10 hours a day & it sounds like he does more (both around the house & with the dc) than yours. I have mh problems too, sometimes the way you tolerate certain drugs & doses can change over time so it really would be worth you booking an appt with your gp & seeing if there's anything they can suggest.

I've got four children and work full time, it can be totally overwhelming at times.
I had four because I wanted four but no one told me how hard the teenage years would be and how exhausted I would feel. Having four kids is hard but there are moments of joy, you just ha e to hold on to those and let go of our standards a bit

My ex boyfriend used to play on his computer all the time ( turns out he was watching porn, liked watching that, not doing anything) whilst I read newspapers in the sitting room...
I remember thinking is this all there is in life ?
Notice the prefix ex.
As far as the kids go. Bottle feed, shower and open his door and send the kids in. Get out with friends, family or failing that, to the cinema yourself. Or get the kids to bed early, each night if necessary I and order a pizza and wine in for you both
Train your children ( older ones) to play with toys by themselves, invest in a playpen, to put baby safely while you go to the toilet alone.

I get the cold shoulder a lot in this relationship. I don't know if I deserve it or not, but I'm open to the idea that I do. I feel confused a lot of the time and don't know how to navigate relationships (platonic and romantic). I crave a meeting of minds but can't achieve it as I always mess up/get overwhelmed. Can people with Autism have successful romantic relationships? I get very overwhelmed with people's demands of me. I start to get short of breath and shake, especially when several people need someone from me at the same time. I feel incredibly deficient and abnormal.

I'm saying these things as I noticed there were other Autistic mums on this thread.

We definitely can have successful relationships, but to do so requires an understanding partner who is willing to understand the quirks and limitations that come with autism, IME.

I'm beginning to wonder if this man chose you because he sensed someone he could push around. He seems to think that you exist to make his life better (by producing, and looking after, his children and doing all the domestic work while he does what he likes) and doesn't appear to have any understanding that you matter too.

Peppers
You ask if people with autism can have successful romantic relationships. I am working on this with my counsellor (who was our Relate therapist). I am finding a good balance. What I like at the moment, is a loving friend-type, who lives quite far away, and who has his job and interests, and who seems to understand my commitments. He doesn't have children, but doesn't berate me for it. We meet whenever I don't have the DCs, and he doesn't make me feel guilty for it.

It works for me, but it has taken years of work, even with my ex. Ex and I get on very well and he is happy to dip in when they are not his weeks. I think being separated made him realise how much he enjoys his time with the children. When we were together, I did EVERYTHING. Like you, by the sounds of it....

This thread is making me feel sick.

You have a husband who is treating you very, very badly. He is not being a partner, he is not being supportive. He is being Disney Dad when he looks after the children (takes them out, doesn't cook for them, doesn't try and manage other tasks whilst he has them) and he shuts himself off and ignores you.

Does your DSD live with you full time?

I understand you are already taking medication - would counselling help for you? To help you deal with the situation you are in?

If you could work more, could you (between you) afford childcare? Is that an option?

Do you have any other support outside the home? Family or friends?

OK apologies if I expressed that badly. I’m not suggesting a suicide attempt as a viable option. It was a clumsy attempt to point out that you can end up in a terrible spiral of desperation if you don’t prioritize your own needs.

Op you’re not “deficient or abnormal”. You really aren’t. You have needs, that you articulate here so well. You deserve to have those met. But it’s seems that you don’t see yourself as deserving for some reason. And you are. There’s no standard that you have to meet to be judged worthy,

Sorry if it seemed like I was suggesting you do something awful. I misjudged that post.

He does domestic stuff - cleaning and some cooking. I feel it's me that can't function properly. It's me that can't cope with normal family life. I'm broken and seem to be a burden on anyone who gets involved with me.

Peppers I'm an autistic mum too. I absolutely identify with what you're going through. I'm doing much better now but it was very hard and took a while.

Are you particularly against FF? If not then start using bottles ASAP. BF really does sap all of your energy without taking into account the sensory issues you have.

Demand an hour to yourself everyday. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. That includes the baby. Tell your dh that you are heading towards a breakdown at a rate of knots, and that the wellbeing of the whole family, not just you, depends upon you having the time and space to recharge and get well. If he objects then ask your CPN to talk to him with you.

Ask the CMHT about DBT courses in your area. I started one 6 months ago and it is an absolute lifesaver. I'm the only autistic person on it, the others mainly have BPD diagnoses, but the skills are relevant to all of us (Emotion Regulation, Distress Tolerance, and Interpersonal Effectiveness).

Get your dh to read up on autism. You need more support than NT parents and he is failing you massively. Also, stop doing things for other people to the detriment of yourself I.e having more babies etc. To the NT posters on here this will seem an odd/bad taste thing to say, but being on the spectrum can mean we are vulnerable to manipulation. Peppers, know your limits and don't be swayed.

MattBerrysHair I'm actually doing DBT with my CPN! But progress is painfully slow. It seems I've been doing the same stage (recognise your emotions) for months without moving forward.

Hurrah! I'm doing in with a group (which I never thought I'd be able to cope with) and I'm progressing so much faster than with any solo therapy I've had in the past. Could you ask to join a group?