To fucking hate being a parent

[PeppersTheCat]

Never, at any point in this parenting journey, have I ever been able to say "I love being a mum!"

I have a DD7, DS6, DSD7 and DS6months and I feel like a bitter old woman who's life is over.

I'm not cut out for parenting. If I haven't got someone sucking on my body causing it to sweat and smell, then I've got someone trying to sit on me, or both at the same time. I can't wash. Can't go to the toilet without causing a crying fit. I can't get any work done even though my employers are waiting. Baby won't eat anything I give him, he just throws it on the floor. DH hides in his office doing important adult career stuff whilst I sit in my own sweat and get further and further behind in my work. (To be fare he takes the kids swimming and takes baby out for an hour a day).

I look disgusting, feel disguising and am sick of being a slave to the whims of small humans who do little but whine, argue and demand. DH fucking loves parenting. It makes him feel "complete" and "fulfilled". I suspect this is how "normal" people feel, but not me.

I've known since the minute DD was born that parenting wasn't for me. I had DS6 to give DD7 a sibling. Then I had DS5months to appease DH. I'm a terrible mother and I feel sorry for all of the children in my care. I should have stayed a spinster or partnered up with an infertile man. I'm 35 but will never have the life I know I'm best suited for (career woman with friends and hobbies). I'm a selfish cow but I can't overcome it.

Every day he asks me for money (I'm part-time because of the baby, my usual full-time wage is £14k - his is 3 x this much AND he has 2 rental properties). When I get upset at him asking for money so frequently, he says I'm mentally ill. I shake with nerves. I feel emotionally terrorized.

Because you are recently diagnosed with autism, isn't there a support worker you could receive help from? You might be entitled to free nursery hours to give you a break and also some benefits to help you cope!
I'm sorry for your situation it sounds very difficult but I think you are entitled to extra help and support the national autism society may be able to help they give advice and support.

Also try autism support groups, I'm not saying that autism is the problem here it is obvious from your feeling post your having relationship difficulties and feeling low but their may be support you can access and it would be worth a look .

Op, you do not have to stay with an abusive man, you need to realise this. I do think you should leave, he is never going to change and at least you will most likely get 50/50 childcare so a rest. You need to be honest with the services available to you. You will already by under the radar of ss. All it will take is one of your children to say something to a teacher and they may be back. Understandably, ss will not care about your autism, their only concern will be the children and at present they are living in a very toxic environment. Being proactive in getting the necessary support will go in your favour, despite your reticence it is the best thing you can do. None of this is going to go away, please seek support and consider leaving your husband and getting your pnd and autism under some kind of control.

Why are you staying with someone who makes you feel emotionally terrorized? Bringing up dc is really hard and disagreements are really normal but feeling that way isn't. I am unsure what you are gaining from being in this relationship. Can you take some time out from it to assess what you actually want?

Hi Peppers..

Don't worry, you are not alone. I too had a child brcause my husband wanted them. I have one little girl and she's just turned 4. She's a lovely little girl who's always happy and chatty etc and I love her.
BUT ..
I FUCKING HATE being a mum!
My husband is also a selfish controlling b**rd who stole my confidence. So I stayed and made the best of things and Stupidly gave him a child! I DIDN'T want to because I Didn't want to be a mum. Like you i am Totally NOT cut out to be a mother.
My goals in life were Work and Love. So a career and a relationship. I just wanted to find a man who didn't want kids - like me!

I spend every day missing my old life of work and space and FREEDOM! My life seems like a dream that never hapoened.
I HATE the constant Drudgery of tidying up the house several times a day due her playing with her toys books play doh dressing up clothes!
I have had ENOUGH!
I am a career woman who only likes to clean the house Once a day and enjoy the peace of being at home with a tidy house. I HATE the regular whingeing of what SHE wants and Doesn't want!, where SHE wants to go, what SHE wants to do and it's driving me Crazy! I miss my old life so much!
I mean ok she goes to pre-school 3 days a week from 9-3pm. But 6 hours just isn't ENOUGH! I Wish it was 6 days!
I actually miss the old me where I would laugh and smile easily and enjoy everyday of my life. I'd wake up with a smile on my face.
Now I wake up and I don't want to get up. I dread the morning knowing I've got to drag myself through another day of being a Mum which I Hate!

Op I have not read the whole thread but it strikes me you are sitting up every evening with your little one and I don't get why you are not putting baby to bed at 7pm and getting the evening to yourself. I suspect you are not getting snuggly evenings on the sofa because you have a baby glued to you. It is easy to get into bad habits but I would try and get a bit more of a routine going if possible and at 6 months there should be periods during the day where baby has a sleep and you can get some other stuff done?

sorry OP...just read comments before mine and it makes my contribution sound pretty irrelevant really

No-one can work effectively AND look after a baby at the same time. I've seen women try to to do it, and become hugely stressed and anxious. I
If you are going to work from home, you need to have proper childcare organised, either you and TH work opposite shifts, or you get someone else to look after the baby.
But actually, you might find it easier, ( and a better fit for you) to go back to work outside the home. Not everyone is suited to be at home with children, and if it's making you this unhappy being at home, find a job with a workable and arrange childcare. Although as DH is so into parenting, maybe he could take on responsibility for arranging that. It doesn't sound like he's being very fair.

Sorry, I've just seen the rest of this thread, and your subsequent posts.
No wonder you are unhappy, DH is demanding too much of you and is being abusive.
I still think going back to work full-time would work better for you.

Can the baby go to nursery, you to work, and can you het a cleaner for at least some of the housework? Your older kids should be helping too (emptying the dishwasher, putting away the shopping, doing their own laundry). Your husband needs to seriously step up too.

Anyone would go mad in your situation I think. My view is that there's limited use going to the GO to say you're depressed - there's nothing wrong with you, just lots wrong with the situation you're in.

You need to get out, maybe a baby group or buggy walking with other mums. I think being able to not have baby on you constantly would help also. Get a travel cot or Seat so he is safe and you can get on with things. I would change so he’s not ebf. This is not a criticism as I am exactly the same but it sounds like you are thinking too negatively to get out of the rut when there are solutions to some of the problems. I hope you are ok OP. Dont be so hard on yourself

Don't have much to add just wanted to show support. I also don't feel I'm a natural mother found a lot of it rather boring and would rather do my own thing / have alone time a lot of the time
Find some support and make some changes and I hope things will get better for you x

Can your ex husband become the resident parent? Your current DP also needs to do more esp if he was pushing for a baby.

All the best to you. It sounds completely overwhelming

parenting sucks but it can be amazing, you need more support i think my lovely XX

Some days I hate it, but then one of my DDs will come into our bedroom in the morning looking for a cuddle and that makes their bickering worth putting up with. What you need to do is find something every day that makes you smile, it can be something very small sometimes, but it helps you get through what can be, quite frankly, exhausting times.

Of course your DH loves being a parent, he only does it for AN HOUR A DAY.

Woman up, get him out of the office and tell him he needs to do more.