To fucking hate being a parent

[PeppersTheCat]

Never, at any point in this parenting journey, have I ever been able to say "I love being a mum!"

I have a DD7, DS6, DSD7 and DS6months and I feel like a bitter old woman who's life is over.

I'm not cut out for parenting. If I haven't got someone sucking on my body causing it to sweat and smell, then I've got someone trying to sit on me, or both at the same time. I can't wash. Can't go to the toilet without causing a crying fit. I can't get any work done even though my employers are waiting. Baby won't eat anything I give him, he just throws it on the floor. DH hides in his office doing important adult career stuff whilst I sit in my own sweat and get further and further behind in my work. (To be fare he takes the kids swimming and takes baby out for an hour a day).

I look disgusting, feel disguising and am sick of being a slave to the whims of small humans who do little but whine, argue and demand. DH fucking loves parenting. It makes him feel "complete" and "fulfilled". I suspect this is how "normal" people feel, but not me.

I've known since the minute DD was born that parenting wasn't for me. I had DS6 to give DD7 a sibling. Then I had DS5months to appease DH. I'm a terrible mother and I feel sorry for all of the children in my care. I should have stayed a spinster or partnered up with an infertile man. I'm 35 but will never have the life I know I'm best suited for (career woman with friends and hobbies). I'm a selfish cow but I can't overcome it.

But it's what the men in my life wanted so muggins went with it.

There's nothing to say to that. You really think you could have had a high powered career if you go along with what others want?

I would expect the being climbed on and followed to the toilet from 2 year olds. Tell the 6-7 year olds to grow up and try some discipline.

No offence taken peppers - have you sat your dh down and got him to commit to a schedule? Without formal childcare, you need a routine for breaks imo.

The open ended constant nature of the conflict and your needs not being met by your dh would get me down - breaks ideally should be predictable so you can look forward to them.

I don’t think you should make more changes without having some conversations with him about he fact you’re doing these things as he’s not supporting you in the way you expected.

You went along with having kids you didn't want to please men??? More fool you.

Sounds like your life would be easier if you lived with your mum op. If I was at the end of my rope I would do it. It can't be any worse than raising 4 kids on your own and a partner who is nasty to you. The way he speaks to you is awful.

Btw it doesn't sound like he loves parenting at all. Sounds like he likes the idea, but ultimately prefers to watch from a distance.

Put the baby on him and LEAVE.

The leaving is crucial. While you are there, the baby is always going to end up back in your lap. You have to leave the area. Place it in the office, say these words “I will be back at midnight. I’m leaving my phone here. If I don’t get a break I’m going to leave permanently.”

And then you must WALK OUT OF THE HOUSE AND KEEP WALKING.

he will try every trick in the book to drag you back. Ignore and keep walking.

OK - so realistically it’s not unreasonable for the ‘D’H to be working in his office during working hours, as he would if he worked in an office outside the house. It is unreasonable for him to hide out there in the evenings and weekends. He needs to step up in his non-work hours and look after all the children, including the baby and doing some household tasks.
It is also unreasonable to work straight through half term without making any provision for childcare or taking any leave, particularly leaving the OP to look after her DSD, even if OP were on full maternity leave, which it appears she isn’t.
OP, for half term week realistically you and your DH can’t both be trying to work without any childcare, you need a holiday club or to split your working time.
Trying to work with a 6 month old Baby who isn’t in childcare is also near on impossible, even without the rest of the hoard! Depending on the kind of work you do, it’s flexibiliy and what it pays I think you need to either find some kind of childcare or keep fixed hours with your DH where he works say 6am to 2pm solid - you do the childcare, getting up, breakfast, school drop off and make lunch, then you work 2pm to 10pm and he does dinner, the clearing up, bath and bedtime or vice verse - in your working hours the office door is locked short of an A&E level emergency and a 2-3 hourly visit from the baby to feed. You still wouldn’t get much time to be a couple but it would mean you could stop stressing about your work.
If you or your DH can go part-time or get some childcare for the baby at least for some of the time I think it would help the practicalities a lot, very few families try to have two people working full time, a young family including a 6 month Baby and no childcare.
As for the breastfeeding, I’m a huge advocate for it and it will get easier (at 8.5 months I went back to work full time leaving my bottle refusing, breastfed Baby at home with DH and the baby fed morning, evening and night time and had food and water in the day, so the gaps will get bigger). However, formula, especially made up safely with the nice clean drinking water we have in the UK is just fine. By making it to 6 months you’ve already given them a great start and only a tiny fraction of women are still ebf at this stage. Expressing will just add another job.
Can you talk to both your DH, when you are feeling calm and your CPN to work out what you need in terms of support, both practically at home and emotionally/mentally - possibly including a change in counselling or a meds review.

Is it bad to call a horrific child horrific?
My sister was horrific, my parents recognised it, my other brothers did too... And so did she! They did love her and fought for her but she was a terrible child and there WAS a risk of us following her steps.

I've just been on the phone to the Samaritans, I feel so low.

My daughter said to DH that she doesn't want me to leave him because she loves spending time with him and will be sad. DH told me this today.

I am the worst member of the family, and the most pointless. My own kids prefer DH to me.

On MN, any step parent even whispering that sometimes they find their stepchildren less than angelic is instantly reviled by everyone, its just one of those things.

My daughter said to DH that she doesn't want me to leave him because she loves spending time with him and will be sad. DH told me this today.

Whoa, whoa - how did this conversation come about exactly? This to me screams "this is either a flat-out lie by your DH, or he has been using your daughter to make sure you stay put." How on earth would she know you are suggesting leaving him unless HE told her?

So bloody inappropriate! Why was your dh discussing you leaving with your primary school aged daughter???

If he is actually being as manipulative as he seems then I would start getting your ducks in a row. Ring your mum, tell her you want to come back home and get any important documents together.

blimey - your DH is a massively manipulative fuck wit for talking to your daughter about it.

It's not up to a 6/7 year old whether her parents split up and who she lives with. Your DH is a massive tool for mentioning it to her.

He's not at all supportive, and now he's blaming you and trying to manipulate you instead of stepping up.

It's really not hard to see why you are so depressed given this 'backup'.

the thing I hate on mn storm is that you can post something when you're feeling a bit low, and there's no edit button. Peppers is clearly at a low ebb, and is with a dickhead of a DH, but people come on here and have a go about one comment.

I cant believe some of the fucking advice on here when people clearly know the OP is not NT. We dont have two sides of the story and there are kids involved.

Just leave, walk out yoyr DH is a dick ect ect.
No gaslighting required to understand you SHOULD NOT be encouraging OP to think negatively as those thoughts can spiral for someone on the spectrum. Who will focus in on one part of the issue and not consider the bigger picture.
OP you need to seek advice from proffessionals keep talking to samaritans and your local health services.
Whilst its great to get other peoples input as it makes you feel less alone. There is a lot of negativity on thud thread. You definately need some practical help if you cant discuss this properly with your DH. Speak to your health visitor for an unbiased view.

tootired you raise a good point about seeking professional help, it does seem things have worsened and agree peppers needs real life help.

OP I am so sorry you are feeling so low.

Please can posters stop encouraging her to just leave her children ffs. Think what you are saying to someone who is already on the phone to the Samaritans because they are struggling.

Can you go to your mum for a break at least Peppers?

Well leave him then...

My daughter said to DH that she doesn't want me to leave him because she loves spending time with him and will be sad. DH told me this today

I'm willing to bet £20 that she said nothing of the sort.

Have you spoken about leaving? That would a strange thing for your daughter to say out of the blue. Your husband is being very manipulative.
You are not the worst member of the family op. You do the hard work, the stuff that makes their lives possible. He takes them swimming and refuses to do the real work.
If you were to look at your childhood, and think about what stability means to a child, what reliability means to a child - who would you prefer to be raised by? I know who I would.

Whilst very well meaning, I don't think you people see the reality of the situation here. I am very hard work to live with. I was (obviously) having meltdowns even before I met DH. Dealing with an Autistic person every day is unpredictable and hard for anyone. A few months ago, during a major meltdown I said "I don't want to be a part of this family anymore". My daughter overheard and THAT is what prompted her to say what she did recently. Not manipulation from DH.

DH doesn't understand. He thinks I can take control of my behaviour. He refuses to accept otherwise because that would mean accepting meltdowns as an inevitable part of life and he doesn't want to live like this indefinitely, especially as there are kids in the mix. Surely that is understandable? Yesterday, at my lowest, I tried showing him this thread. He just said "I don't care".

My mental health is extremely low at the moment, unusually so. I probably have some PND going on. I wouldn't dare tell a health professional as they will get social services involved and our children will be put on child protection (we've had problems with SS in the recent past). That's why I phoned Samaritans rather than the crisis team when I was spiraling into a black whole and considering an overdose as a feasible option. I tried phoning my mum, but her mental health is crap too and she just can't cope with me.

A lot is going on in my life at the moment (a stressful stage in my career that will last about a year; a small ebf baby; recent autism diagnosis; uncertain relationship with DH).

I am extremely isolated. Most days I don't step out of the house at all. I am fearful of leaving the house with the baby as recently he has been kicking off a lot (he used to settle very well in the sling - now he won't). I have no friends. No outside hobbies. Before the baby was born I used to be a gym freak (go every day and absolutely love it). Now I can't because my body is disgusting and also I can't leave the baby for any length of time (let alone find anyone willing to have him for more than an hour). My life is these 4 walls and having a baby pawing at me all day and crying in my face. And DH is unpredictably hot and cold.

Before the start of half term I actually had my best week in a long time. I stayed calm and swerved meltdowns, DH was very affectionate and appreciative of this. "I love you when you're normal". Cooing and complimenting me.

But then halfterm started and all 4 kids were with us 24/7 and immediately my mental health shattered. The noise, the chaos, the arguing, the stress. I no longer got my 1 hour break from the baby, as someone had to look after the kids. I broke immediately and had my first meltdown in a week. And the next day I had another meltdown, and the next. I felt choked, scared even. DH would get extremely angry when I had a meltdown. He would call me names, tell me the kids would be better off without me, tell me to disappear from his life, that I had ruined his life and it was my fault he couldn't get full custody of his daughter. I was in utter despair. A wreck of a mother, partner, human. My self esteem has never been this low. I just don't know what to do, and apart from mumsnet, I have no one to go to for advice.

Thanks for reading.

You sound like I felt at the end of my second mat leave. I think it was PND, and it cleared up wonderfully when I went back to work.

Apologies if I missed it - are you on mat leave now? Why are you trying to work if you're on mat leave? Do you and DH normally both work FT? Do you earn about the same (i.e. would it be realistic for you to take over as the breadwinner)? It sounds like the obvious solution to me.

Could DH take the next 6 months as shared parental leave while you go back to work? If childcare is so easy, get him to put his money where his mouth is so to speak...

I think people (mostly fathers) simply don't realise how tough the early months are. They're at work most of the day and come home to an hour or so of happy child.

I don't earn anywhere near what he earns as I'm still at the training stage. Maternity has just recently ended but a lot of my work can be done from home.

Peppers, first off,

It sounds to me like your DH has got you firmly believing that HE is the judge of whether you are acceptable as a human - hes laid out all the jobs he expects you to do and ways of acting he expects from you, and then punishes you when you dont conform. The thing with Autism though is that its NOT YOUR CHOICE. You are a fish and hes punishing you for not being able to fly, its no wonder you feel so low. You cant be other than you are just because its what he would prefer, and its not a personal failing on your part to have a meltdown when he puts you into a position you cant cope with.

"DH would get extremely angry when I had a meltdown. He would call me names, tell me the kids would be better off without me, tell me to disappear from his life, that I had ruined his life and it was my fault he couldn't get full custody of his daughter."
"Yesterday, at my lowest, I tried showing him this thread. He just said "I don't care"." This is not the behaviour of a reasonable, loving man.

hes laid out all the jobs he expects you to do and ways of acting he expects from you, and then punishes you when you dont conform.

That's EXACTLY how it is in this house. I've never experienced this with partners before.

its not a personal failing on your part to have a meltdown when he puts you into a position you cant cope with.

Most people could cope though :( Many times when I've been upset I've told him to go first someone NT rather than trying to change me. This is not what I really want, obviously as it would tare the kids apart.