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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fucking hate being a parent

318 replies

PeppersTheCat · 12/02/2018 16:01

Never, at any point in this parenting journey, have I ever been able to say "I love being a mum!"

I have a DD7, DS6, DSD7 and DS6months and I feel like a bitter old woman who's life is over.

I'm not cut out for parenting. If I haven't got someone sucking on my body causing it to sweat and smell, then I've got someone trying to sit on me, or both at the same time. I can't wash. Can't go to the toilet without causing a crying fit. I can't get any work done even though my employers are waiting. Baby won't eat anything I give him, he just throws it on the floor. DH hides in his office doing important adult career stuff whilst I sit in my own sweat and get further and further behind in my work. (To be fare he takes the kids swimming and takes baby out for an hour a day).

I look disgusting, feel disguising and am sick of being a slave to the whims of small humans who do little but whine, argue and demand. DH fucking loves parenting. It makes him feel "complete" and "fulfilled". I suspect this is how "normal" people feel, but not me.

I've known since the minute DD was born that parenting wasn't for me. I had DS6 to give DD7 a sibling. Then I had DS5months to appease DH. I'm a terrible mother and I feel sorry for all of the children in my care. I should have stayed a spinster or partnered up with an infertile man. I'm 35 but will never have the life I know I'm best suited for (career woman with friends and hobbies). I'm a selfish cow but I can't overcome it.

OP posts:
Lennythelion14 · 14/02/2018 11:55

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StormTreader · 14/02/2018 11:55

"Most people could cope though"

So? Are they you, are you them? A lot of people like going to the gym, you included - I hate it. Does that make me lesser than them, or them lesser than me? No, its just different. Theres a reason that an Autism diagnosis doesnt come with treatment advice "just try harder".

stitchglitched · 14/02/2018 12:00

OP I remember your other threads. Your partner is highly abusive, his ex wife fled from him. You see the way he treated her. I think your mental health would improve massively if you left him. Since your ex is the RP for your older children could you get yourself a small place for you and the baby, that will facilitate contact with your other kids? This man will not change and your mental health will worsen with his treatment of you IMO.

Justanotherzombie · 14/02/2018 12:08

There's some seriously smug and devoid of empathy posters on this thread. I just wanted to say to you OP to skip over the asshole comments. They're not useful or fair.

Justanotherzombie · 14/02/2018 12:10

Lenny, your post is abusive. You're no better than any bad person who turns the knife in someone when they're down. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 14/02/2018 12:12

they will know/sense your ambivalent towards them and act up

My older 2 are docile well-behaved kids actually. I am always getting compliments for their behaviour.

OP posts:
botanistinhiding · 14/02/2018 12:31

you're right, we're well meaning but I've got no idea what it's like to be you and what's accurate and what's how you are seeing things - I'm following but not sure what to say anymore because I tend to agree with stitch's assessment, but overall, it does sound like you need to go back to the GP, HVs etc. for help with how you're feeling.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 14/02/2018 12:36

Today, DH has fucked off to work and left me to cook, clean and entertain the 4 kids including looking after the baby, all on my own. a NT woman could probably cope with this, but I find it incredibly challenging. I just sent him this message but it will amount to nothing:

"Cooking (pasta and pizza), cleaning (kitchen) and looking after 4 kids including a baby on my own I think is an unreasonable thing to expect of me with my mental health as it is currently. I just don't think you understand me or want to understand me, and it's making me even more ill."

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 14/02/2018 12:37

@Lennythelion14 It is because of attitudes like yours why this remains such a taboo issue. This is not a small or new phenomenon and it would be incredibly helpful to recognise that mothers (and indeed fathers) do experience this. It's much more acute in mothers but that's another discussion. It is important women are able to speak out without being judged. Especially issues such as these.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 14/02/2018 12:40

As for leaving him - do you think I'd cope with a baby on my own? Really? Not even an hour a day for a break? And I'll have to give up my career as can't afford childcare so will lose the only positive thing I have for the future. And no one to help me with the older two (which is 50/50 care with my ex btw). And the kids being upset that they can't see DH and their sister? Now THAT would be selfish and make me a bad mother. LTB is a great thing to say sitting at a keyboard but I have no support net to enable me to do that, and believe me I have spoken to women's aid.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 14/02/2018 12:40

Can your ex collect the older kids? Can DSD's Mum pick her up? Not ideal but you sound at breaking point.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 14/02/2018 12:47

Ex is collecting kids tonight. DSD is going back to her mum tonight too.

OP posts:
Lennythelion14 · 14/02/2018 12:55

He is looking after the kids. He works, if he didn't they would be on benefits and everyone would be ooo benefit scroungers etc. Plus she has said he does cook,clean, does bedtimes and takes elder 3 out. Which is what most men do. A lot of men don't deal with under 1's,especially if baby is breastfed.i wasn't being nasty before just pointing out if you struggled and knew you had problems with the 1st, why have a 2sd and more?

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 14/02/2018 13:01

Lenny I explained why I had each kid in my post. Also consider there were 2 different men involved. I thought I'd have more support with the second as thats what he promised.

OP posts:
lilabet2 · 14/02/2018 13:06

It sounds like you're completely exhausted! Your kids aren't intentionally trying to be demanding, they're just trying to get their needs met, which it sounds like you do for them and are good at, but you are overstretched with working and four kids.

You need to meet your own needs too and it sounds like you have to neglect those all the time.

Could you maybe discuss how you feel with your husband and explain that caring for all four (or maybe three, if DSD isn't around all the time) kids is exhausting and you need to work as a team? Discuss concrete examples such as 'I need to be able to shower, use the toilet and put my make-up on each morning so if you could take the kids for half an hour at Xam so that I can do that, then that would really help'.

I wonder if counselling might also help so that you can adjust to life as it is now, rather than the alternative life that you might liked to have had and also to help you come up with some practical solutions to the situation, which sounds completely overwhelming at the moment.

cantsleepclownwilleatme · 14/02/2018 13:10

Op you being autistic is an excuse for the way he treats you.
No most women wouldn't cope well with 4 children, 1 a newborn. That's how parenting boards exist. Because it is tough, because we struggle.
Regardless of your autism - you think you may have PND. That is serious. That is very difficult and very challenging and I feel for you.
He is not caring of you and saying things like 'I don't care' is only going to compound any struggles you have.

I am telling you - whether you are NT or autistic or bloody Mary Poppins - he is being a dick. He is not behaving like a supporting caring husband to someone who has just given birth to their baby.

I urge you to consider this situation and what is best for you and your health. And stop thinking about what this situation would be like if you were somebody else. You can only be you. And you are good enough.

Treat yourself well. You deserve it.

cantsleepclownwilleatme · 14/02/2018 13:11

*isn't an excuse

Lennythelion14 · 14/02/2018 13:20

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JassyRadlett · 14/02/2018 13:33

A lot of men don't deal with under 1's,especially if baby is breastfed.

A lot of men are shit. That doesn’t mean it should be tolerated or embraced. However I’m not surprised you value the shit ones. Sounds like it probably aligns with your own capability for empathy, Lenny.

OP, your husband sounds like an abusive arsehole. You will always find apologists for abuse on threads like this, but try to ignore them.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds massively tough, with everything you are juggling. For what it’s worth I think you sound brave and self-aware, and it’s clear you will do what is in your power to put your kids first.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 14/02/2018 13:37

Thanks Jassy.

How do you hide a user on here? I think Lenny is being goady as obviously gets a kick out of abusing mentally unwell people.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 14/02/2018 13:40

MN would be so much nicer if you could hide posters as well as threads! Some people do bizarre things to get their jollies.

I can absolutely see why you are doing what you need to do to prioritise stability for your kids and enabling your own career. When does your training finish? Will you be in a stronger financial position then?

Lennythelion14 · 14/02/2018 13:43

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paganmolloy · 14/02/2018 13:44

I'm not reading all these threads - I can imagine many are having a go at you but I hear you sister. I hate it too. Mine are 14 and 13. They are great kids. I didn't know I'd hate being a parent so much until I was one. I don't hate my kids, I love them. I had them because we are always being told how wonderful and fulfilling it is and mother nature makes sure we do right by them and it all kicks in. Yes I'd jump in front of a car for them but it doesn't mean to say I like jumping in front of cars. We are all different and I know in my soul that I'm too selfish to love this parenting lark. It's really fucking shit. A lot of the time. And it's time we started being honest about that. I'm sure you love your kids too and are actually a really good mum. But rant on here - I will not be judging you. I hear you! [hugs]

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 14/02/2018 13:45

Training finishes in 1 year. It's very stressful involving consecutive overnights.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 14/02/2018 13:45

Pagan you are my sort of person :)

OP posts: